Chapter 10 - Leslie

Kyle’s soft voice and carefully spoken words affect me deeply. He’s usually so reactive, I know that he is really putting in an effort to listen and reciprocate. For a few seconds, I don’t say anything, and the moment passes.

When we get home, we start cooking dinner, and even though both of us are making an effort, the atmosphere is tense. I can’t shake the feeling that he’s hiding something from me, and it’s not just from the fear of him seeing other women.

I’m painfully curious about his reasons for breaking up with me and disappearing, but now I’m also desperate to find out more about his nightmares.

Why does he have to be so complicated?, I think to myself as I watch him standing at the counter, peeling potatoes. His face is drawn with concentration as he devotes his full attention to the task, and I love the way his lips curl and his brow takes on a slight furrow as he carefully peels and chops.

Being super-hot and intensely complicated with deep rivers of past hurts will snare a girl every time.

I shake my head at my own folly, getting pots and pans ready. Both Kyle and I are decent in the kitchen, and we used to cook together a lot before the breakup. It’s such an easy routine to fall into, neither of us thinks too much about it.

Other routines, such as going to bed, have an entirely different feel. We used to tease each other on the couch, laughing as we tried to focus on the TV and resist each other. Finally, one of us would break, and we’d chase each other to the bedroom to disappear into each other’s arms for hours on end.

Don’t think about that!

I try not to, but the memories are all around me, constantly. I can’t escape them.

After dinner, I feel the usual awkwardness. I don’t want to sit on the couch with him and be viscerally reminded of our previous routines. He also sleeps on the couch now, which only makes the situation so much worse. I just go to bed early, as I often do these days.

That night, Kyle has another nightmare.

I pad down the hallway on my bare feet, being as quiet as I can. He twists, fighting the blankets just like last time. His eyes are flickering like crazy, and sweat is pouring down his temples. Every now and then, he moans or shouts.

I don’t want to let him suffer like this, but I’m also afraid to wake him up. I can’t go back to bed and leave him, so I just sit nearby until the nightmare settles down and he finally falls into a very deep sleep.

After I go back to bed, my mind is churning. Something is going on with him, and the fact he won’t share it with me cuts me almost as deep as his rejection of me. It really drives home the fact that I am really not important to him. That he doesn’t trust me, and doesn’t intend to.

I cry a little as I fall asleep, wondering which side of Kyle I will see in the morning and if he will ever open up to me.

When I get up, he’s already in the kitchen, as he often is. He always looks bright and well, as if the nightmares really don’t affect his sleep. He turns to me with a big smile on his face, waving a spatula.

“Good morning! I made some pancakes. Are you hungry?”

“Yes,” I answer, smiling. “Good morning to you, too. Did you sleep well?”

“Sure,” Kyle says, turning his back on me to tend the pancakes. I’m definitely fishing with my question, and he seems to have answered me honestly.

“Here we go,” he says, putting the plate down in front of me. “Syrup and butter is there on the table. I’ll just grab the coffee.”

“This is really nice of you,” I take a bite of the perfectly fluffy, crispy pancake. “I missed your pancakes. You make them better than anyone I know—even Gladys.”

“Thanks,” Kyle answers, sitting down across from me with his own food. “I remembered how much you like them, so I made an effort.”

“You sure did,” I say, smiling at him again. He smiles back, and the moment of connection is so strong it almost brings tears to my eyes.

How can he be so close with me and push me away at the same time? Is this all an act?

“So, are you working today?” he asks casually.

Not casually enough.

Now he’s the one fishing. I can’t help feeling a little mad, now that I know what this is about.

“Yes,” I answer, taking another bite. He nods.

“It would just be easier for me to drive you, then, wouldn’t it?” he asks innocently.

Why do men do this? Does he think I’m fucking blind?

“We just talked about this,” I say firmly, putting my fork down. “I want to take my own car.”

“But it’s so much better to do just one trip,” he goes on.

“I don’t start for a few hours. I was going to hang out for a while before I get ready.”

“I can wait. I don’t really have a set start time.”

My fantasy of lounging around in my pajamas, having a luxurious shower by myself, then getting into my own car to drive to work is vanishing before my eyes.

“Kyle, seriously. You should go.”

“No need,” he answers. “It’s more important to stay with you.”

Why? I want to scream. He’s acting like he does all this just to be in my company, but then he pushes me away, emotionally and physically.

I’m sick of arguing, so I just give in.

“Fine,” I say, barely refraining from snapping. “I’ll just get ready, and we’ll go.”

“Cool. You don’t want your pancakes?”

“Lost my appetite.”

For the next couple of days, the routine continues. Kyle doesn’t seem to notice that I’m uncomfortable, which makes everything so much worse. It’s like I can feel the stress rising every single second, trapped in a prison where I can’t actually be with him, but I can’t get away from him, either.

Every night, he has a nightmare. It pains my heart to see it, and hurts me even worse that he refuses to share his pain with me. It just adds insult to injury when he finds something nice to do for me each day—like bringing me flowers at work, or buying my favorite chocolate.

It has to be insincere. He’s just placating me. He doesn’t actually care.

Late one night, curled up in bed, I can’t take it anymore. I’ve cried rivers over this man, and something hard and cold is settling into my chest now. I feel like I’m being slowly tortured into insanity, constantly being pulled towards him and then shoved away.

Any minute now, he will have his nightmare, and I’ll have to watch.

I sit up, suddenly determined to get out of here. I slip through the house, shedding my clothes as I go. The back door swings silently open as I let myself out, shifting as I go down the back steps and across the yard.

My wolf takes possession of me, so exuberant that a great howl almost escapes my throat. I hold it in, not wanting to wake Kyle.

The damp, cold soil is so soft my paws sink into it as I start to run up the nearest hill. My nose held high, I draw in all the scents of the wilderness and listen for the sounds of all the night dwellers. After I’ve run some distance into the forest, I finally stop, throw my head back, and howl.

The animals around me briefly fall silent, then resume their nighttime activities. I pace deeper into the dark trails, nose to the ground as I track game.

For quite some time, I lose myself to the wolf. The pain in my chest loosens and disappears. All the tension in my body flows away, erased by my primal instincts and wild soul.

I am one with nature. This is where I belong.

I am keenly aware of the delicate balance that exists between all things, living and not. Every sound, scent, and feeling sings of this harmony, all creatures of the earth and its elements woven together in a web older than time.

We are the caretakers of this world. It is up to us to keep this balance, and nature will keep our souls free and content.

I’m standing on a low bluff with my nose to the wind, scenting a herd of deer on the move miles away, when I hear a soft noise in the woods below. As tuned in to the surrounding forest as I am, I know it’s not just a random animal.

It was a purposeful sound. Something is watching me.

Even though I can’t stop the brief chill that snapped through me at the realization I wasn’t alone, I give no other sign that I’m aware of their presence. I keep my nose up, wondering how to reveal the other without endangering myself.

Silence stretches around me, so deep that I have to wonder if I imagined the sound. When I turn to move away, though, I hear it again and start to lope towards the trees.

The sounds behind me intensify. Whoever it is, they don’t care if I can hear them. This puts some decent fear into me, and I start to run through the forest, taking the winding paths as quickly as I can.

My wolf takes over again, adrenaline awakening the ancient predator within. I feel fierce and strong now, not like a woman alone in the woods, but a piece of living darkness and eternal threat.

We are the apex. There is nothing that stands above the wolf.

As the ground rises above me, I pick up my pace, charging out of the trees and onto a snow-covered plain. The glittering field reflects the net of stars above as they sparkle their light down on me. With a loud bark, I spin and turn, paws braced, ready to face my pursuer.

The first thing I see is a pair of stunning blue-green eyes shining out of a face of dark fur. It takes a few seconds for the scent to catch up to me, but I don’t even need it. Only one creature on the planet has eyes like that.

Kyle!

The shock makes me shift. Hands on my hips, I glare at him as he bounds towards me.

“What are you doing here?” I cry, feeling practically violated.

What do I have to do to get some time alone?

Kyle shifts in front of me, his muscular body rippling in the reflected light. The tattoos on his arms look like shadows wrapped around him, bonds of darkness he can never break.

“Watching out for you,” he says. “You can’t go off by yourself like this.”

“Kyle, I am not a child!” I snap. “And even if I was, this is beyond obsessive! What could possibly happen?”

“You’re so fucking naive!” he explodes. “Anything could happen to you! I might have let you go out if you had just told me where you were going, and how long you’d be away.”

“‘Let me’?” I echo. “You would ‘let me’ go? Are you fucking kidding me right now?”

“Leslie, you don’t understand—”

“Damn fucking right, I don’t understand! You break up with me, leave me, tear my heart in half, and disappear! Then you mysteriously return and end up as my husband, and since then, I’m not even allowed to go and pee by myself! What the fuck is going on with you?”

I may have taken it too far there, but it is true that more than once when we were out in town, I found him hovering not far from the bathroom when I came out, as if he was worried I’d crawl out a window.

Kyle’s face has gone dark. His mouth twists in the way it does when he’s upset. Usually, I’d apologize, but right now, I don’t care.

“Answer me!” I yell, shoving him in the chest. “I can’t take this anymore! You’re having horrible nightmares that you won’t talk about, you act sweet and loving to me, but at the same time, you push me away, keep secrets, make me feel completely undesirable—”

“What?” he exclaims. “When did I do that?”

I cross my arms, glaring at him. It’s pretty hard to be standing naked in front of him, even if I wasn’t talking about his attraction to me. I couldn’t feel more vulnerable right now.

“You pull back every time we start to get close,” I mutter. “I always thought my body excited you. I didn’t have any confidence issues at all. But since we got married, it’s like you can’t stand to touch me.”

“Oh, fuck, no,” he moans, covering his face with his hands. “No, this isn’t what I wanted at all.”

“Then explain yourself!” I can’t stand the plaintive tone in my voice, but I can’t help it, either. “What the hell is going on with you? Why can’t you trust me?”

A look of complete defeat falls across his features. He looks so broken, my heart goes out to him. He’s such a tough guy, so seeing the look of vulnerability on his face activates every caregiving urge in me.

I step towards him, expecting him to pull away. He doesn’t, but I’m too scared to touch him in case he does.

I can’t take another rejection.

“Leslie,” he says softly. “I was undercover with the Sawpit Pack for a whole year. That’s why I disappeared, and that’s why I left you.”