28. Penelope

28

PENELOPE

ONE YEAR AGO

“ A re you sure you won’t go, Lincoln?” Colt takes my bag, slinging it over his shoulder as his mom makes one last attempt to get Linc to go to the lake house with the family.

Linc holds up both hands in front of him and shakes his head as Colt punches him on the arm playfully and Nora gives him a big hug, both of them exiting. I grab my purse and start to follow them out to the car where Mr. Sterling, Ash, and Lola are waiting for us, but Linc blocks me.

“Have a good time, Penelope.”

My name is drawn out with something sinister behind it, and I know if I don’t leave quickly, he will no doubt try to mess with my head.

“I intend to, Linc.”

He doesn’t move, and I hear Colt laughing outside with Lola and Ash. “Is that so?”

His lips are full and pouty, and I hate the way he’s looking at me. He and I share a secret whether I like it or not. I’ve tried to bury it over the past few weeks. I wanted so badly to go on like it never happened, but I can’t stop thinking about that night.

Colt and I have essentially gone back to normal, but I haven’t slept in his bed since, afraid of getting too close. The betrayal burns too deep inside me.

“Yes.”

He looks over his shoulder and out the door, but then his eyes land on me. “So, is this trip finally it? You’re going to finally get into his briefs? What’s your plan?”

I keep my voice low, but I’m horrified he would ask that, not that I should be surprised. “That’s none of your business.”

“Well, he is my brother, after all.” He folds his toned arms over his chest. “I think I deserve to know if he’s about to be crushed.”

I look him straight in the eyes, hating what I did, but unsure of just how much. “I’m not telling him, Linc. As far as I’m concerned, it never happened.”

“That’s your story,” he leans in, his large body crowding mine, “when he pushes inside you and isn’t met with any resistance because I was already there?”

“Stop.” I keep my voice low but make sure it’s firm. “I’m sorry you’re pissed-off, Linc, but stop trying to get in my head. He isn’t going to notice the difference. It’ll be fine.”

I watch his face and see his anger and something else as his neck stretches tight, and I watch his Adam’s apple bob. “So, that’s just it? You’re going to fuck him, and we never happened?”

“What do you want me to do, Linc?” I point toward the driveway, but no one is paying attention to us. “You want to go out there and tell them all what we did? You think that will do any good? You think Colt will say ‘oh okay, no problem’?”

“No. It would kill him.”

“Exactly.” I search his eyes for the boy who I first introduced myself to, for the boy who made me a cute braided bracelet with a little “P” charm attached for my eleventh birthday, the one who wanted to make sure I was safe. “What we did was wrong because it would hurt the person we both love more than ourselves.” He’s watching me intently, really listening as I take a deep breath. “And it was . . .”

“Don’t you fucking dare call it a mistake again.”

My eyes drift outside to Colt and his infectious smile as he puts Asher in a headlock and they mess around before the long car ride. I turn back to Linc. “I wish I hadn’t liked it, Linc. I wish it hadn’t felt so damn good.”

His arms drop to his side, and he looks pained. “It was good.”

I nod, unable to argue. “But I love Colt.” I don’t want to hurt him, but I can see I have. The thing is, I don’t think Linc is in love with me. I think he loves to toy with me.

“I do too.”

I nod and squeeze his arm. “Then we have to try our best to move on and pretend like that night never happened. He’ll never forgive us.”

“Have fun, P.”

I smile and take a deep breath, walking outside to climb in the large SUV we’re taking to the lake house, watching out the window after everyone gets in and they all wave to Linc as he stands out on the porch.

I feel like he has a piece of me that I’ll never get back. His face is broken and full of some sort of loss I feel with him.

The outside of the lake house looks the same as it did weeks ago at prom, but it will forever remind me of my passionate encounter with Linc.

Lola, Ash, and I go for a swim while Colt hangs out on the dock, watching us before we all have dinner together outside on the deck. Before I know it, everyone else has gone to sleep and I’m in Colt’s room.

In his bed.

His lips press against mine, and I try to get lost in him. I love him. I love the way he kisses me and how it makes me feel warm and safe. I love being in his arms. The sweet caress of his lips should feel good, but the guilt of what I did only a few weeks ago is eating me alive, and I can barely breathe as my body is tucked under him.

I feel his hand snake under my shirt and move over my bra, feeling wrong. I try not to let a cry escape my throat, hating the memories of his brother’s hands.

“Colt.” I press on his chest, trying to calm myself.

“I can’t believe we’re really here, Pea. We’re going to college together in a couple of months. We can leave it all behind.”

His lips drag along my neck, and I feel nauseous, the lies poisoning my soul and trying to escape.

“I think we should give in. I love you so much, Pea. I want this to be the first time of many for the rest of our lives.”

My stomach rolls, and a tear slides down my cheek as I try my best to keep it together. Penelope, you idiot. Stop.

He notices the tear as it falls to his hand and sits up, his legs straddling mine. He cups my face in both of his large hands, looking down into my eyes in the dark room lit by the moon. “Pea, what’s the matter?”

I can’t find the words. Another tear escapes, and I watch my sweet, perfect boyfriend study me with concern and fear.

“Look, I know it’s scary, especially for girls, but I think after the first time it won’t hurt anymore.”

He has no idea how badly I’m hurting.

“I can’t do this.”

It’s a whisper, a cowardly declaration that offers no explanation. And it’s not fair to him.

“What?”

I hold onto his wrist and hate how confused and hurt he looks. “I can’t have sex with you tonight.”

“I don’t understand. You were going to a couple of weeks ago. What changed?”

I sit up, and he pulls back, sitting on his butt in front of me. “Everything. Colt, we broke up.” I look away, the words too painful. “We should have just let the breakup stick.”

“What?” His hand takes mine, and my eyes move back to his. “That wasn’t a breakup. That was just a stupid fight. It was nothing.”

Nothing? Is that really what he thinks? “What you said to me . . . Colt, that hurt me deeply.”

He looks genuinely lost. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. That was about me. Not you.”

“It felt like it was about me. You’ve turned me down over and over. It made me feel like I wasn’t good enough for you.”

I don’t know if I’ve ever been this honest with him, and it feels good even as painful as it is.

“You’re everything to me, Penelope. I love you.”

“I love you too.” I fight the urge to make him hold me tightly in his arms and never let me go, but my deception will always follow us. I can’t do it.

He’d be better off without me. They all would.

“So then, what’s holding you back?” His hand smooths over my cheek, but I don’t lean into it, no matter how badly I want to.

“It’s like you said. We’re different.”

His eyes are searching mine, and I despise the anguish I see in his eyes. “I didn’t mean it as a bad thing. So what if we’re different? You’re really ending this? After nearly a decade together?”

Tears well up in my eyes, and I want more than anything to say no, but the only other option is to tell him what happened between Linc and me. I can’t do that. It would tear them apart.

“No. We can still be friends.”

He’s furious. “I don’t want to just be your friend, Pea.”

“That’s how we started.”

“What is this?” He stands up, getting angrier as he turns to me still on the bed. “You want to see other people? Is that what you’re worried about?”

I hug my waist and shake my head. “No.”

“I don’t believe you.” His eyes grow darker, and his resemblance to Linc is even more definite in this moment. “I think you’re scared to only be with one person. You have the need to sleep around at college?”

I glare at him, angry at his words and thinking this is not at all like him. “Are you calling me a slut?”

“You’ve been trying to sleep with me for years now, and I wouldn’t give in, but not for lack of you trying.”

I stand up, furious with him. “You’re my boyfriend. There’s a difference.”

“Is there?”

“What’s going on with you, Colt? You haven’t been yourself lately, and you’ve turned into a hateful asshole.”

“That’s what you think? You really think we broke up on prom night, and that we should have just let it stick? How can you even say that to me?” I’ve never seen him this upset before. “So you can go to college and do whatever you want, and I can go on and marry who I’m supposed to marry?”

I stare at him, his words shocking me to my core. “Who are you supposed to marry, Colt?”

This isn’t happening . My whole world is crumbling around me, and I want to climb into a dark hole and hide for the rest of my miserable life.

“You know, Penelope. The wealthy, sophisticated type who comes from a good family.”

The way he says it is rehearsed and forced as if he’s quoting someone else. “Yeah. That’s what should have happened, Colt.”

I’m hurt and lost. I’m angry at the world and would kill to go back in time, but is this the real him? If it is, maybe I don’t want to go back and live the lie.

He looks stunned and just as pained, his blue eyes swimming with sadness and fury. “Fine. You can have your wish.”

He leaves the room in a rageful fit, and I stand there sobbing and angry, at war with myself. He’s been my best friend for nearly ten years. I miss him already and want to run after him. I hear the front door slam, and I flop down on the bed, staring up at the ceiling, knowing I’ve lost him.

But it’s too late. The poisonous tragedy that is Penelope Jones has coursed through the Sterling family and ravaged them enough.