14. Linc

14

LINC

I listen to my mother’s voicemail and groan as I unlock the front door to my house. She left me a message when she left Kansas City about an hour ago. So, I have an hour to get myself presentable and get P to that point too.

I couldn’t look at her after we fucked.

I couldn’t stand to see that look of regret and anguish on her beautiful face and know I feel the same way.

I hate her.

I hate her for fucking tempting me.

For not staying the fuck away from me.

For not being completely repulsed by me.

I fucking hate her.

But I hate myself more.

I walk inside the house. “Penelope! Get your ass up!” I shout for her as I walk through the house, pissed she isn’t sitting poised and waiting for me on the couch.

We had a deal.

And I gave in. Because it was what I wanted. I craved her fucking body. I needed the pain and pleasure, but I despised myself as soon as it was over.

And I did what I do when I can’t hide from that hatred.

I went for a swim in the lake for hours in the night. And then I slept outside and did it again, wondering if the water would take me away.

“Penelope! We had a fucking deal.”

I open her bedroom door, a sinking feeling attacking my gut when I see her passed-out on her bed. She’s on her stomach with her head barely off the bed, her arm lying limp and touching the floor.

“No!”

Fuck. No . I run to her and flip her over, shaking her shoulders. “Wake up.”

She doesn’t move or make a sound.

“P! Don’t do this to me.”

I feel for a pulse, and I start to breathe again when I feel a thud against my fingers. I try to shake her again. “Penelope. Wake. Up.”

Please.

I lift her body up to me, hugging her to me and can hear her soft breaths in my ear.

“P, wake up. Please open your eyes.”

She doesn’t move, so I lift her in my arms going for the last resort. I carry her to the shower, slipping out of my shoes and, still holding onto her body, I walk into the shower stall, turning the water on and sinking to the floor.

The water washes over us both as I hold her in my lap, her head resting against my chest.

“Penelope.”

Water slides over her face and her eyes start to flutter.

She lifts her head slightly as her eyes open, and water drips over her head, running over my chest, and soaking our clothes. “Linc?”

“What the fuck, Penelope? What the hell did you take?”

She raises one hand, brushing water off her face. “I just had some vodka.”

“Vodka? You were dead to the world, P. Don’t fucking lie to me.”

She rests against my chest, seeming too tired to move as the shower rains down on us from above, and I know there’s no way it can wash away our sins. “Okay, so maybe I took some Xanax with it.”

“What? Where the fuck did you get that?”

Her small shoulders lift. “A doctor prescribed them for me to help me cope.”

I swallow and lean my head back against the shower wall. “Are you trying to kill yourself? Is that what you fucking want?”

“Maybe.”

I look up at her, holding her face in my hands and pulling her head back so I can look into her eyes. “What?”

She’s soaked and still in my shirt that’s clinging to her chest, but it’s her eyes I really notice. Void of any feeling. “No. I don’t want to die. But I don’t want to feel either.”

“I thought that’s what the other night was.”

“It was. And it helped until we came, but it’s a temporary fix.”

She’s not wrong, but I’m pissed. I’ve always tried to save her but never could. She was always seeking him out for the true fix. I was a fun flirtation, the dangerous thrill she still craved from the past when all she truly wanted was safety.

“Then why even try?”

Why the fuck didn’t I just let her get her temporary fix from the frat douchebags? Why do I fucking torture myself? I could have found comfort in the pink dress sorority chick. It would have been fine.

But fucking no, bring on the pain because that’s what we do.

“I thought it would help. You’re in just as much pain as me, Linc. What do you do to alleviate it?”

I don’t tell her my methods because they’re just as fucked-up.

“You can’t offer me sex, P.” I look in her eyes, begging her to understand. “I’ll take it. Every single time. I’m not honorable. I won’t turn you down. I’ll fucking take it.”

She places one of her hands over mine, her full lips holding me in a trance. “Good.” Her other hand rests over my heart, plastering my shirt to my chest. “Because I wouldn’t offer it if I didn’t want it.”

“You broke your fucking promise.” I release her, and she climbs off my lap, standing up under the stream of water and stripping out of my shirt, leaving her totally naked as she lets the water fall over her.

“He hated the water.”

I stay stuck to the shower’s floor, resting my head against the wall again, my throat pulling tight. “I know.”

She turns to face me, looking down, her face wistful. “This is all our fault.”

I know that too.

I stand up, holding onto her bare shoulders as the water starts to cool. “Get yourself cleaned up. My mother will be here soon, and you fucking owe me.”

I release her and climb out of the shower, stripping and wrapping a towel around my waist before going to my bedroom to change.

Hating this game with Penelope. Wishing that I could actually hate her and be done with it all.