Chapter 31

31

Madeline

Leigh and I arrive in London at around 8 a.m. London time and we're both wrecked. Not from the flight so much as from hormones and emotions. She spent the flight coping with period pain and the emotional abuse of periods. I spent it panicking that my relationship may be over.

I've spent seven hours replaying my conversation with Ethan in my head, dissecting every word, every inflection of his voice, every micro-expression. Over and over. And over.

The first thing he said was, "Fuck." I don't know what the standard is of what to expect from a man when you tell him you're pregnant, but I've now told two men at different times that I was pregnant and they both pretty much responded the same way. Tucker said a few more choice words than Ethan, but the general gist was the same.

This doesn't give me confidence that this time around is going better than my first time. Ethan is Ethan, though, so that gives me some confidence. But then, he didn't say much except he wanted us to get a test. And while I agree that a test is important, I was looking for so much more reassurance than what he gave me. Which was none. He said nothing to make me believe we would be okay, that our relationship would survive. In fact, I think I felt worse after speaking to him than before.

I brought up the jumping too fast thing and he didn't respond to that either.

I'm thinking about all of this after Leigh and I exit the private jet we flew here on, and when I get to the jumping too fast thing, it all feels too much and so I throw my head back and scream.

We're crossing the tarmac to the car waiting for us and Leigh jumps in fright when I scream. Then, she turns and practically yells in my face, "You can't do that without telling me you're going to do it! Especially not when my lifeblood is draining from me." Then, she throws her head back and screams too.

She's right in my face.

Screaming like a banshee.

With her lifeblood draining from her.

And suddenly, all I can do is laugh.

God bless the driver of our car. He stands at the back door of the car waiting for us with a perfectly straight face. He shows not one sign of recognition that we're screaming and laughing like we've been possessed.

Well, I mean, I think I've been possessed.

By a baby.

And then, at that thought, the air whooshes out of me and I have to grab Leigh to steady myself because I think I might fall otherwise.

I'm going to be a mother.

"Maddie," Leigh says with concern. "Are you okay? What's happening? Talk to me."

At that, tears leak from my eyes and within seconds, they're streaming down my cheeks and I'm blubbering, "You sound like Ethan. He says stuff like that."

Leigh's eyes are wide. "I don't think we need a pregnancy test. Not when you've just gone from zero to one hundred, screaming, laughing, and then crying, all in the space of like, two minutes." She nods like she's just solved the greatest mystery of the world. "Yup, I think you are most definitely a raging, hormonal, pregnant woman."

"Okay," I agree. "We don't need a test."

She blinks like I just said the dumbest thing she's ever heard. "Of course, you need a test."

"You just said I don't and I agree with you."

"Why would you listen to anything that a woman who is currently taking one for the team says?"

"Taking one for what team?" I frown.

"Oh my god, keep up. Remember in our texts, I said that?"

I commence crying again and at Leigh's furrowed brows, I say in between sobs, "Ethan can never understand my texts."

Leigh takes a deep, deep breath and looks to the heavens before looking back at me. "It's going to be a long nine months, isn't it?"

I'm still sobbing. "You have to be nice to me."

She throws her head back like she's going to scream again, but instead she yells out, "I can't be nice when I'm running on half my lifeblood!"

It's at this point that my phone sounds with text notifications and I don't think I've ever checked my texts faster.

Ethan: Maddie, I fucked up. I'm sorry. Please call me.

That one came in while I was still in New York, sitting on the plane waiting for it to take off. I'd switched my phone off, though. That was after I ignored Ethan's phone call.

I don't feel good about ignoring his call, but I had nothing inside me to give to a conversation, so I decided it would be best to turn my phone off and wait until after the flight when I'd had time to think. Well, it's after the flight now and I still don't know what to say to him.

I read the texts he sent after that one.

Ethan: Okay, so you're on the flight now and waiting to talk with you is excruciatingly painful.

Ethan: I wish I could have a do-over of that conversation, Miller. You caught me at a bad time and my head was all fucked up over stuff Dad said to me. I know that I let you down in a moment when you really needed me. Please call me when you land in London. I'll stay up and wait for your call.

I read his last two texts a few times, trying to figure out whether I think he's going to end our relationship or not. It's one thing to apologize and admit he let me down, but nowhere in his messages has he said anything about his feelings over a pregnancy. Over a baby.

Ethan is such a good man, so I know he won't avoid his responsibilities toward a child, and that's what I think he's saying in those texts. He would never want to let me down, but that doesn't mean he would want to jump fucking fast with me.

"Is that Ethan?" Leigh asks.

I nod but I don't drag my attention from my phone.

"What did he say?"

I show her his messages. "What do you think he means?"

She reads the three messages before looking at me like I have ten heads. "What do you mean? It's pretty obvious what he's saying."

I snatch the phone back and re-read the texts. "No, it's not."

The look she gives me can only be described as woman-draining-all-her-life-blood-cranky. "What do you think it means?"

"That he wants to tell me he won't walk away from his responsibility."

She gapes. "That is so not what I took from those texts. Maddie, come on, stop letting your brain mess with you. Call him. Everything's going to be okay."

The idea of calling Ethan fills me with panic. "I'm tired, Leigh. It's like three a.m. our time. I'll text and let him know I'll call after we've both had some sleep."

I tap out a text quickly before I can overthink this.

Me: We've just landed. I'm exhausted and you must be too. I don't think this is a conversation to have when we're not at our best. I'll call you tomorrow. I hope you're okay after what your Dad said to you.

I switch my phone off again and slip it into my purse, ignoring the look Leigh gives me. She wasn't the one who told him she was pregnant. She doesn't know how he responded. She has no idea how it made me feel.

All he kept saying was that we needed to take a test.

That we shouldn't jump to conclusions yet.

Let's get a test and make sure before we go any further.

Leigh doesn't know that these were almost exactly the same words Tucker said to me before he made me get an abortion.

I can't call Ethan back now because I'm not ready to have my heart broken if all he wants to talk about is getting a damn test.