Chapter 30

30

Ethan

"Ethan."

I turn at my father's voice on my way to the terrace where Luna's waiting, not so patiently, for me to take more photos of her. "Yeah?"

"Can you give me a minute?" He gestures toward Gage's library.

I grimace. Not because I don't want to give him the time, but because my niece is waiting and I'm aware that Gage doesn't want her to stay up too late tonight, so every second I delay pushes her bedtime.

At the face I pull, Dad says, "Please, son. This is important."

It's his tone that causes me to agree because I hear warmth and vulnerability I've never heard from him. "Okay."

When we're alone, he indicates for me to sit with him, his expression earnest, leaving me wondering what we're about to discuss.

"Ethan," he starts, "I love you, son." I wait for the but that always follows those words, however it never comes. Instead, Dad continues. "And this is a conversation that should have happened a very long time ago. That, I am sorry for. You'll never know just how sorry." He swallows hard and I'm stunned. My father is feeling emotional, which is something I have never seen.

His shoulders hunch a little, the complete opposite to his usual straight back, and he glances down at his hands briefly before meeting my gaze again. His words are measured when he speaks. "Being a father is the hardest thing I've ever done in life, and my mistakes are a testament to that. I failed often and, at times, I failed terribly. I also had my share of failures when it came to my marriage. The thing I didn't understand for a very long time was that being a husband and being a father aren't always separate things. You're aware of how my marriage to your mother came about, so I won't go over that, but I entered our relationship thinking that being a father had nothing to do with being a husband. I was very wrong.

Cheating on your mother not only hurt her, it hurt you boys. The difference was that she knew why she was hurting, but you did not. You had a mother hurting deeply during your formative years, unable to bond with you because of that hurt. And you had a father who couldn't express his emotions or connect on an emotional level. I didn't give you what you needed as a child, Ethan, which I have deep regret over. I didn't understand just how profoundly my actions would affect my entire family."

He stops talking when his voice wavers and I sit in shock while I wait for him to continue. It's jarring to experience Dad's strict and emotionally guarded demeanor give way to vulnerability. It's also unexpected and disorienting.

"I made your teenage and early adult years harder than they needed to be, son. I watched you get lost in high school, drinking and taking drugs. I watched you make friends with boys who concerned me and girls who distracted you. Your school attendance dropped. Your grades dropped. And you were never happy from what I could work out. I didn't understand why, because your brothers didn't struggle in the same ways, and I thought that because you were all raised under the same roof, you should all have the same experience. I was harder on you than the others because I was scared. I didn't know how to help you, and I just kept pushing, hoping you would do what I told you to and that together we could make everything right.

Son, I'm sorry it's taken me until now to grasp that I was wrong. I'm sorry that when I found you that day, in your condo, high and paranoid after taking those drugs, clearly hurting and needing help, that I didn't do everything in my power to help you. That I didn't stop trying to fix you by force and that I didn't see what you really needed from me. I won't ever treat you that way again. I want you to know that, but more than anything, Ethan, I want you to know I love you and I'm proud of you. What you've achieved in your life is beyond anything I could have ever hoped for, and I know you may find that hard to believe from me, but it's the truth. You were right when you said it's wrong of a parent to expect their child's happiness and life to look a certain way. I had it mixed up and I tried to force my ideas onto you, and I won't do that again."

I'm frozen, staring at this man I don't recognize, listening to him say words to me I don't think he's uttered to anyone in his lifetime. Dad being so raw and open in this way has shattered the familiar landscape of our relationship, and where I've always had go-to defenses at the ready for him, I now have nothing.

I knew something was shifting between us. He's spent more time with me over the past month than he's spent with me in years. He's initiated conversations, albeit stilted ones at time, but still, he's made an effort to talk, to find out what I've been doing with my time, and to find out about my relationship with Madeline. But this? I never saw this coming.

Blowing out a long breath, I say, "This is a lot to process, Dad."

He nods. "Yes. And I imagine that will take you a while. I don't expect anything tonight, Ethan. In fact, if it takes you the rest of your life to process this, I understand. I wanted you to know my feelings. And I want you to know I will always be here, ready with whatever you need, son. I also want to say that I was very wrong to judge Madeline that first night I met her at Callan's wedding. She's an amazing young woman and I have great respect for her. Mostly, though, I like seeing how happy she's making you."

Dad has always been the epitome of stoicism. He was an impenetrable figure to me. And I have always been the opposite. This is why we always clashed. Now, seeing him admit mistakes and flaws, experiencing regret, and talking about his emotions, is stirring hope that I gave up on long ago. I also feel empathy for him, something I've always easily felt for anyone but my father. And for some reason, feeling this for him helps ease some long-carried tension from my body, which is a mindfuck all on its own.

"Growing up with you as a father was hard, Dad. That's no secret for any of us. But I always desperately wanted your approval." Fuck, talking about this shit with him is way harder than fighting about it. I grip the back of my neck and rub my hand over it. "I always felt like the son you and Mom never wanted. She ignored me. You punished me for not measuring up. And then you presented all us boys to the world as your pride and joy. It was confusing and painful, and every day chipped away another tiny piece of me." I exhale a breath. "I never knew how or where I fitted. That's why I went in search of things to make me feel better. I know, sure as fuck, it's why I kept ending up in dysfunctional relationships with women who were wrong for me but who looked all kinds of right to begin with. And the app I made with Bradford? Sure, I enjoyed building it, but running an actual company? That was never going to be for me.

I did that for your approval, not that I knew that at the time, but it's true. Honestly, you finding me that day, wiped out on all that coke, was the best thing that could have happened. It forced me into action. Europe changed me, Dad. I put the work in. I learned about myself, figured my shit out. Coming home and meeting Madeline has been lifechanging too. She's good for me. She actually gives a fuck about me, which isn't something I've ever had in a relationship before. I don't need your approval anymore, and that may be hard to hear, but I don't. I have my own approval. But I do want your love"—my throat clogs with so many fucking feelings—"so it means a lot to me to have had this conversation with you."

Dad has tears in his eyes and I'm not convinced I won't soon too. He places his hand on my arm and it's such a foreign thing for us that we both look away for a beat. I think his hand hovers after that, but he doesn't pull it away and that fucking speaks volumes. "I'm honored to be your father, Ethan. I hope we can find our way to a place where talking is easy between us and where spending time together is the most natural thing to do. I'm committing to you now that I will put the work in to make this happen."

I swallow down my rising emotions. I'll let them come later, but for now, I need to get through this conversation. "Maddie and I were talking about birthday parties today...about how much work they are for parents. I've never stopped to think about what it must be like to be a father. To really think about every little thing fathers have to do. I know none of us are perfect, Dad, and I know they sure as shit don't hand out parenting manuals." I smile and it might be the first time I've given him one of those since I was a kid. "Mom asked me to think about how you were as a father rather than as a husband, because your cheating hasn't been something I've been able to forget. I've been thinking about what she said and I will keep thinking about it."

Dad stands and I quickly follow suit. I think we both know we're at our limit for this kind of conversation. He puts his hand on my shoulder. I think he wants to hug me, but he hesitates and so do I. That might really be pushing it for us today.

In the end, he nods in the way he does, and then we go our separate ways. I'm heading for Luna on the terrace so I can get these photos taken, my mind all over the place and my emotions heightened in a way they've never been, when I run into Maddie.

She appears to be in a daze as we collide and I grab her biceps to steady her. "Miller." I frown as she looks up at me with a range of emotions plastered to her face that look equal parts nervous, worried, and queasy. "What's wrong?"

"We need to talk." The words breathe out of her anxiously, triggering my protective streak.

"What about?" Fuck, if her ex has done something else to her, I will lose my shit.

She shakes her head. "No, not here. Somewhere more private."

I guide her into the library where I've just come from and once we're away from everyone else, I ask, "What is it? Has Tucker done something else?"

Staring at me like she's maybe changed her mind about this conversation, she puts her hand to her stomach. "Shit." Then, she bends at the waist, still with her hand on her stomach, and releases a long breath.

I'm concerned she's about to pass out, so I take hold of her and try to get her to sit. She doesn't want that, though, and pushes my hands away. That's the moment I realize that whatever this is, it's fucking bad. Maddie has never pushed my hands away like that.

"Okay," I say, my chest filling with dread, "Please tell me whatever it is, Maddie, and then we can deal with it together. You're worrying me."

Her big blue eyes bore into mine and I take note of how her breathing has sped up. She doesn't say anything for what feels like fucking hours but is less than a minute. When she finally speaks, her words rush out of her. "I think I'm pregnant, Ethan, and I swear I took all my pills. And I know this is jumping too fucking fast and that you don't do that anymore, so this is probably going to ruin everything between us, but"—her entire face twists with fear—"I really hope it doesn't."

It's not often I'm lost for words and I hate that this is the moment when my brain fails me. I've got a head full of thoughts over the conversation I just had with my father about being a parent, about how hard it is, and now... I might be a father. And I am so fucking unprepared for that. If Dad fucked shit up, why would I think I wouldn't? I never want to fail a child...and I don't know the first thing about how to not do that.

When the only thing that comes out of my mouth is, "Fuck," I want to kick my damn self. That is not what Maddie needs to hear right now. It's not what she needs from me.

Her eyes go wide and all she does is stare at me.

Fuck.

I'm fucking this up.

I grip the back of my neck. "You took a test?"

She blinks. "No. Not yet."

Her phone sounds with a text, which she ignores.

"Okay," I say, blowing out a relieved breath, "so maybe you're not."

The library door opens and Luna comes in, jumping in front of me. "Found you!" She appears happy with herself. "Come on, Uncle Ethan. You promised more photos!"

I glance between Luna and Maddie who looks like she's going to be sick. Then, quickly moving to my niece, I crouch down and take her hands in mine. "Can you give me five minutes, sweetheart? Maddie really needs my help with something. I promise I'll be out once I've helped her." I tap her nose. "I'll see if I can convince your dad to let you stay up later, okay?" Gage will kill me for this, but Maddie's my top priority.

Luna's face lights all the way up and she starts bouncing on the spot, clapping her hands. "Yes! Yes! Yes! This is the best birthday ever!" She runs out of the library and I shut the door again before going back to Madeline.

"Let's not rush into assuming anything," I say. "Let's get a test and make sure before we go any further."

Another text comes in for her and she gets cranky with her phone, roughly swiping and tapping to read the texts. Then, she says, "Shit!"

"What?"

"My car's outside. I have to go."

Fuck, that's right. She's flying out tonight.

"I'll come with you. We'll get a test on the way."

Maddie glances at the door. "No, you have to stay and take the photos you promised Luna."

My brain does mental acrobatics, trying to figure out in half a second flat how to do two things at once, how to be in two places at the same time. It feels like I'm screaming down a highway at 200 mph with a bend in the road coming up and no brakes to save myself.

"I'll—"

I'm cut off by Luna who has opened the door again. "Uncle Ethan!"

Maddie's phone rings at the same time and I think my brain might fucking explode.

I'm frozen for the second time in an hour, unable to work my way through my crowded thoughts.

Maddie's eyes are on mine and then they're not. She's putting her phone to her ear and she's walking away from me to take the call.

I have no idea how to be a father.

"Uncle Ethan!"

Maddie finishes her call and looks at me from across the room. "I have to go."

Why is she standing all the way over there?

"I'm coming with you."

Luna's face falls. It crumbles so fast it kills me. "You promised photos," she cries.

I don't know anything about being a father. Not a fucking thing.

"Ethan," Maddie says, already halfway out the door, "I'll call you when I land."

"Wait," I say, but she's already out of the room. I scrub a hand down my face. "Fuck."

I glance between the door and Luna who's sobbing on the floor. And then I make a decision that I fear may haunt me for the rest of my life.

I bend down and scoop my niece up into my arms. "It's okay, baby. We're going to take photos and then we're having ice cream."