Chapter 19

19

Ethan

"Have you spoken with Dad yet?" Hayden asks me quietly during our family dinner on Wednesday while everyone else is engaged in a lively conversation with Luna, Gage's five-year-old daughter, about her new teacher, who she adores.

"Yeah, we had a quick chat this afternoon." I spent two days driving home from Louisville and then went straight into a meeting this afternoon with the company that acquired mine so we could iron out some details regarding my continuing presence as an advisor. I called Dad after I stepped out from the meeting.

"And? Did you say yes?"

"Fuck no." I look at him like he's lost his mind. He knows I have zero intention of ever accepting a job at Dad's company. "What have you been smoking today? He wants to turn me into a venture fucking capitalist and you know that's never gonna happen."

He lifts his glass of whiskey to his mouth. "I'm just checking to see that all the time you spent in Europe didn't turn you into someone I don't know. Glad to know it didn't."

I grin and at the same time, Luna comes around the dining table to crawl up onto my lap. I welcome her with open arms and help her settle in, at which point she grips my shirt and says, "Uncle Ethan, Daddy said you're coming to my birthday party. Will you take photos of me?"

Fuck, I love this kid and have missed her. "Of course." I squint my eyes questioningly at her. "What are you dressing up as this year? I'll need to bring the right props." This is something Gage started with her first birthday. He went overboard and dressed her up as a princess, and since then the two of them have made a tradition out of selecting her outfit and dressing her up each year.

Her eyes sparkle with joy. "Daddy bought me a unicorn tutu dress! It's so pretty."

"Excellent. I will find the exact right props for your birthday photos."

"And Sarah is coming too! She has to be in the photos with me."

"Who's Sarah?"

"My best friend, silly."

I chuckle. "Right. Got it. She'll be in all the photos too."

"No." She shakes her head madly. "Not all the photos. Mommy and Daddy will be in some. And Michael."

"Remind me again who Michael is." I'm sure I've never heard of this guy, but my memory may be failing me.

Eyes still alight with joy, she says, "He's going to be my new daddy when Mommy marries him."

Her new daddy? I glance across the table at Gage and catch his darkened gaze. He doesn't correct his daughter, though. Gage is the best father I know and not once since his divorce from Luna's mother has he succumbed to the kind of nasty behavior I often see exes engaging in over their children. Shayla, his ex, has, but not Gage. Luna's wellbeing is his priority, and I can't imagine he would ever want to take away her excitement over having another family member in her life.

I smile at Luna. "Okay, so there will be lots of photos with all the people you want in them. Will you send me an invitation so I know where and when your party is?"

Her forehead crinkles with a frown. "Daddy already sent you one." She looks at her father for confirmation.

Gage nods to verify he sent the invite. "Uncle Ethan has been away, so he probably hasn't had a chance to read the invitation yet."

"I'll look for it tonight," I promise her.

Once she's satisfied that I'll be at her party, she slides off my lap and runs to her grandfather who lifts her up with a smile. The two of them then talk quietly and I'm struck by the easy way Dad immerses himself with her and the obvious affection they have for each other. It's so unlike the way he raised his sons. Sure, he spent time camping and fishing with us, and taught us stuff, but there were always strict expectations and not the kind of affection I'm observing now.

Gage arches his brows at me. "I heard you're moving to Nashville."

"Smartass," I mutter, but it's no lie that my mind goes immediately to Madeline at the mention of Nashville. She texted me yesterday to let me know she arrived home safely but we haven't texted or spoken since. My thoughts have been returning to her obsessively, thinking about the time we spent together. Remembering her kisses, her touch. The sex. Fuck, the sex. And in amongst all those thoughts, I'm hoping she's okay with all the shit she's dealing with.

"So?" Gage nudges. "Will you see the runaway bride again?"

"Yeah." Fuck yes.

"Did you take that photo of her that she posted the other day? It looked like one of yours." Bradford says.

I look at him. "Since when do you go on social media?"

"Since my wife takes it upon herself to shove her phone in my face to help me keep up to date with my brothers' lives."

I grin, my gaze meeting his wife's who is sitting next to him. So far, I've only spent time with Kristen at Callan's wedding, but that was enough to know I like her. I also like the way she's softened Bradford's edges. "Promise me you won't ever stop shoving your phone in his face."

Her smirk matches mine as she looks up at Bradford before glancing back at me. "I promise. How would he ever know what's going on in the world otherwise?"

I laugh and take in the way my family watch Kristen with fondness while Bradford looks at her like she hung the moon, the stars, the entire galaxy. Then, I answer Bradford's question. "Yeah, I took that photo of Madeline."

"It's a beautiful photo," Kristen says. "Do you think you'll ever go back to photography?"

I nod slowly. "Maybe. It's certainly on my mind."

"You were always happiest when you were traveling the world taking photos," Mom murmurs with a smile. We haven't spoken much since I arrived for dinner but I've gotten the impression she wants to pull me aside for a conversation.

Dad looks up from Luna, the easygoing expression on his face now gone, replaced with a stern one. "He's twenty-eight, Ingrid. Roaming around the world taking photos is hardly work that will sustain him for the rest of his life."

A hush falls over the table as I stare at Dad and fight the urge to tell him what I think of that. "I don't know, Dad," I say as lightly as I can, "I roamed around for years taking photos that sustained me. I think I could make a go of it again."

"Not to mention the fact he could live off the sale of his company for the rest of his life," Gage drawls.

Dad's gaze stays firmly on mine. "I'm not talking about money, son. I'm talking about settling down and being a responsible adult."

"Dad," Bradford says quietly, cautioning our father in the way he sometimes does when Dad tries to pull me into line.

"No." I shake my head at my brother. "Let him say what he wants. He's obviously got some thoughts on the matter." Then, turning to Dad, I ask, "Is it the photography that's the problem or is it the fact that I'm just not doing what you want me to do? That my idea of a dream job doesn't look like yours? Or,"—I cock my head—"is it that you just wish I'd find a woman you approve of, marry her, and live a respectable life like yours?"

"You're putting words in my mouth, son, but is it wrong for a father to want his children to find happiness and live a good life?"

"No, but when the happiness and good life have to look a certain way, that's wrong." I push my chair out and stand. "I don't want to keep going over this with you. As far as I'm concerned, I'm a responsible adult, I'm happy, and my life is good."

I stalk out of the room, needing to put distance between us before I really get into it with him.

Mom follows me into their grand salon, calling out, "Ethan. Wait."

I slow my stride and stop even though I'm not ready to get into a conversation about this with her. Turning, I find her looking at me with compassion. "I don't have an argument in me, Mom."

"I'm not going to argue with you. I just want to make sure you're okay. Your father...well, we both know he can be difficult at times."

"At times?"

"You're right. He's always difficult with you, and I'm sorry about that."

"You don't need to apologize for him. That's not on you."

"It is on me." She stops talking and a thoughtful expression fills her face, like she's trying to figure out exactly what she wants to say. "Well, no, that's not quite right. What I mean is it's on both of us, the way your father is with you I mean."

I frown. "What do you mean?"

She releases a breath. "Our marriage is complex, which you know." I know she's referring to the fact their marriage was one of convenience so they could join their families for political power. I also know she's referring to the fact Dad cheated on her in between Callan's and my birth. "After you were born, I had postnatal depression, which I know you're aware of, but it isn't something I've ever talked about with you boys.

"Your father and I were distant with each other while I worked through my devastation over his cheating. And I was distant to you boys. Especially to you, Ethan. And the depression didn't help." Her entire face is filled with regret. "I made sure you had all the physical things you needed but I didn't give you love in the way you needed, and for that I am sorry."

Fuck me.

This is the conversation I never imagined us having. Never imagined her opening up about.

"I'm still not following as to how this all fits into the way Dad treats me."

"He changed after he cheated on me. You have to understand that up until that point, our marriage wasn't based on love. We were two kids told to marry by our families. So, we did, and we tried to do what married people do. We had kids, we vacationed, we entertained, we tried to fall in love. But starting a marriage without a strong foundation of love and then having five children in seven years was a recipe for disaster.

"After your father cheated on me, we had to work through that. We had years of therapy and ended up falling in love. And I know that might not be something you can understand—that I was able to forgive him and fall in love with him, but it's what happened. Unfortunately," she continues with sadness, "you boys suffered throughout all of that turmoil, especially you. I was so lost after your birth and I just didn't have the emotional capacity to bond with you like I did with your brothers. As a result, I know you struggled to find yourself and your place in our family. You were lost and your father was extra hard on you because he worried so much for you. And he's still hard on you, but only because he worries, Ethan. He loves you more than you know."

I stare at her, lost for words. Lost for so fucking much. This is the kind of conversation I've wanted with my mother for my entire life and it fucking kills me that she's taken twenty-eight years to broach it with me.

"You're right that I don't understand how you can forgive him for what he did," I finally say because, fuck, I don't understand that and I'm not sure I ever will.

She gives me a small smile. "The thing about marriages is that the only people who can fully understand them are the two people in them. I don't expect you to wrap your head around our relationship, but I do hope you can separate the husband from the father and think about what a good dad Edmund is."

"When he says the stuff to me that he does, Mom, I'm not sure I can get to that point in my thinking. He treats me like I'm still a kid who needs to be told what to do next in life because I can't figure it out for myself. That doesn't make me feel good, you know?"

"I know, darling, and I'm going to talk with him about this."

I clench my jaw. "You shouldn't have to manage him or his relationship with me."

"Sometimes, that's the job of a parent. None of us are perfect, and sometimes we need our partner to help us see a different perspective." Her smile shifts into a soft loving one. "That's what love and marriage is for. Finding a partner to support us, counsel us, and love us as we grow into new understandings of ourselves and the world around us. I don't think of it as managing your father. I think of it as one way I can love him."

She reaches for my hand and squeezes it. "Please think about what I've said, and if you want to talk some more with me about it, I'm always here for you. I know things have been strained between us for a long time, but I hope we can change that."

I'm left staring after her when she walks back into the dining room, my thoughts all over the place. I stand rooted to the spot for a long while, thinking about everything she said. In the end, it's a text from Madeline that drags me from my thoughts.

Miller: I'm thinking about buying these. Bad idea?

She sends through a photo of a pair of pink granny undies and the grin that spreads across my face is instant and so fucking welcome.

Me: Can you get a pair in every color? They're hot as hell.

Miller: What's your favorite color?

Me: That depends. It's blue, but on you, it's red.

Miller: Have you even seen me wear red?

Me: Not in person, but Google has been my friend.

Miller: You stalked me?

Me: Damn right I stalked you. I need to know what I'm getting myself into here.

Miller: I may have stalked you too.

Fuck, I feel that in my gut.

Me: Did you find anything interesting?

Miller: I found your Insta and saw all the photos you've taken over the years. Ethan, they're stunning. You should become a photographer.

I laugh.

Me: You think?

Miller: *shrugs* I mean, if you've got nothing better to do with your time.

Me: This asterisking of words is another bump in the road, Miller.

Miller: *grins* Good to know, grandpa.

Me: How's your day been?

Miller: Ugh. Next question.

I call her and she answers with, "I miss you. And I know that must sound ridiculous since I've known you less than a week, but it's true. And if that scares you away, so be it. I'm done with not telling the truth in my life."

Fuck.

"Did you just do one of those asterisk shrugs when you said, ‘so be it?'"

Her laugh is the best thing I've heard all day. "Are you gonna leave a girl hanging, Black?"

"I miss you too. Now, tell me about your day."

"I need a new lawyer and I can't find one I like. And until I find one, I can't fire Darren as my manager because I need a lawyer to advise me on that. And Tucker's being a real dick. Like, the dickiest dick of all dicks and I would unalive him if I thought I could get away with it."

"Wow, the dickiest dick of all dicks. I see why you're a songwriter with your ability to string words together. And unalive? What the fuck is that?"

She laughs again. "I threw that in just for you. Kill, Ethan. I want to kill him, and if the FBI are listening in on this phone call and show up to arrest me, I'm gonna need you to come and save me from them, ‘k?"

I chuckle. "Fuck, where do you get this shit from? The FBI listening in on your phone calls?"

"It's a thing! And since you're related to a senator, they probably really are listening in on your phone calls. This may be a bump in our friendship."

"I hope not. I wanna see your new granny undies on you."

"Oh god, we're gonna need burner phones if we start sexting. I barely manage one phone, so this may be another bump. I may need to reconsider hooking up with a senator's brother."

"You aren't reconsidering anything," I growl. I hate the thought of her on another man's arm, and that thought comes out of nowhere, smacking me in the face with the intensity of it.

Maddie is silent for a moment and when she speaks again, I hear how much I've affected her by her breathy tone. "I like that you've got feelings about that."

Hayden and Gage wander into the grand salon, deep in conversation over something.

"I have to go, but I may have a lawyer you'll like."

"Who?"

I eye Hayden. "My brother. I'll mention it to him if you'd like."

"Yes, please. I would love that."

"Okay, he's here with me now. I'll get back to you soon."

"Thank you," she says so fucking softly that it hits deep in my gut and I know I'd do anything to make her use that voice with me again.

"Go buy those undies, Miller. And when they arrive, I'm gonna need to see them."

"On me?"

"Fuck yes, on you." I don't even try to hide how much I want to see that.

We end the call with the sound of her laughing and I know I'm going to dream of those granny undies.

"Was that the runaway bride?" Gage asks.

"Can we stop referring to her as the runaway bride?" I scowl. "Her name is Madeline."

Gage's lips quirk, the asshole. "My apologies. Was that Madeline?"

His apologies, my ass. Gage is always across everyone's feelings. He can read people in a way no one I've ever met can. He just loves to fuck with people, especially his brothers. "Yeah. She needs a lawyer to look over some contracts." I eye Hayden. "Can you give her some advice?"

He grimaces. "I'm pretty busy this week while Liv's on her honeymoon."

"Surely, you can fit a contract in."

The look on his face tells me I'm pushing my luck, but he nods. "Give her my number."

I text his number to Maddie before he changes his mind.

She replies straight away.

Miller: {This is a secret message the feds can't read: You are the best and the next time I see you I'm going to wrap my filthy mouth around your dick and pay you back for those orgasms you gave me}

Fuck. Me.