Chapter 16

16

Madeline

Ethan has been avoiding me since we arrived back at our hotel room. First, he said he had to go down to his car to get something. When he returned, with nothing in his hands, he said he had to step out to make a call. Which let's be real; it's late, so I don't believe that was true. Five minutes after coming back from that, he was hungry and went in search of something to eat.

I mean, it's after midnight. We ate just a few hours ago. No one's hungry, Black.

I think he's avoiding whatever it is that's happening between us. Because something is happening.

I'm confused by his actions. He's been flirty with me over the last couple days. I've been flirty with him tonight. We have a hotel room together. What's a little sex between consenting adults? Why is he doing everything in his power not to go there with me?

It's while he's out trying to find food (that I don't think he really wants) when I ask myself that last question and my thoughts come to a thudding stop. Oh god, maybe I've misinterpreted his actions. Maybe he wasn't flirting, but rather just being his usual fun self. Maybe this is all in my mind.

Despite the fact he said he couldn't get our kiss out of his mind, and despite the fact he sometimes looks at me with heat, maybe I'm not the kind of woman he'd ever be interested in. He did rescue me after I ran away from my own wedding, a hot mess, after all. And he's spent most of the time since then propping me up, seeing all the ways I'm not put together. He told me about some of the dysfunctional relationships he's had. Maybe these days, he's looking for women who have their shit together.

Feeling like a fool, I gather my pajamas and lock myself away in the bathroom. I'll take a shower and do my best to forget what I thought could happen tonight. It's probably for the best, anyway. I've got enough to deal with at the moment. I don't need to add another man into the mix.

I hear Ethan out in the room while I'm putting my pajama shorts on after my shower, and suddenly, I'm feeling awkward and weird about going back out there. It's like my teen years all over again when I had no clue about guys and put way too much thought into everything I said and did when I was around them.

Ugh.

I'm being ridiculous.

I'm a grown woman. Not a teenager. This doesn't have to be weird. Ethan can't read my thoughts. He doesn't know I've been imagining his naked ass and wondering what it would feel like to touch him. To have him touch me.

I yank the bathroom door open a little more enthusiastically than I mean to, and in doing so gain all of Ethan's attention. And hot damn, he's shirtless.

Shit.

Don't look at his chest, Maddie.

Or his abs.

Don't do it.

Don't—

"Why are you avoiding me?" The words fly out of my mouth before I can stop them and shit, shit, shit. I hold my hand up. "No, just ignore that." I really don't want to get into a conversation about why he's not interested in me.

I remove my eyes from him and hurry out of the bathroom to my suitcase, intent on putting my dirty clothes there before crawling into bed and hiding under the covers so I can forget this moment ever happened.

"I'm avoiding you because if I don't, I'll be putting my hands on you and asking for something I shouldn't be."

Just the thought of Ethan's hands on me causes need to pool low in my stomach, let alone the gravel in his voice.

I twist to face him, sucking in a breath at the raw desire in his eyes. "Why shouldn't you be asking for it?"

He appears torn over this. "I'd be taking advantage of a hell of a lot, Maddie."

"Of what?"

"Fuck, of everything. You're not sharing a hotel room with me because you want to have sex. I'm trying to remember that."

I close the distance between us, loving the way he sucks in a breath now. "You think I wanted to share this room with you tonight because I didn't want to be alone?"

He looks down at me and I think it's taking everything in him to get through this conversation. "You're telling me that's not the reason?"

"It's some of the reason." I glance at his chest, all hard planes and shadowed hollows that I'm desperate to explore. "But it's not the full reason."

"Fuck," he curses, his voice raw. "Don't look at me like that."

I was dumb to think he wasn't flirting, wasn't interested.

Ethan wants this as much as I do.

I ignore what he says and keep looking at him like that. "You wouldn't be taking advantage of anything if you fucked me tonight."

The look in his eyes says he's this close to giving into what he wants. "You always have a filthy mouth when it comes to sex?"

I move into him and place my hand on his chest. Touching him sends lust racing through every vein in my body and I have to stop myself from just taking what I want. "No, but I might embrace it going forward." I slowly trace the contours of his chest and enjoy the way his muscles tighten beneath my fingers. "I haven't had an orgasm in a long time, and I want you to be the one to change that."

He grasps my hand, stopping me. "I'm concerned you'll regret this in the morning." With every gruff word he utters, I want him even more.

"Have you ever regretted sex?"

"Yes."

I'm not expecting that answer, and it slows my thoughts down.

"You've had a hell of a day, Maddie. Maybe you should sleep on this."

"You think I want sex to forget my day?" He's way off base. "I'm so into you, Ethan, and I want to have sex with you. And I really want you to stop being a gentleman and just give me what we both want already."

"Fuck," he growls, and before I know it, he's curved his hand around the nape of my neck and has his mouth on mine, and holy fuck, I might just die and go to heaven tonight.

His kiss is hungry, desperate, possessive. He holds me in place, his grip on my neck firm, his other arm wrapping around my waist and pulling me against him as if to say there's no escape now.

I reach for his neck, clawing his skin as we collide, moaning when his tongue slides over mine.

Ethan groans in response and I feel that sound everywhere. He deepens our kiss while moving his hand down from my waist to my ass and pressing me into his erection. Then, dragging his mouth from mine, he rasps, "Is this really what you want? Because if we keep going, I'm gonna find it really fucking hard to stop."

I'm already drunk on his kiss and his touch. The way he's looking at me like he can't get enough of me only intensifies everything. "Don't you dare stop now, Black."

He hesitates for one more moment before finally—finally—reaching down and taking hold of my ass to lift me into his arms so he can carry me to his bed.

Dropping me on it, he runs his eyes down my body, drinking in every inch of me, and I decide there's nothing better in this world than having Ethan Black look at me like he is now. I feel his gaze like it's actually caressing me.

He puts one knee to the bed, then the other, and brings his attention to my shorts while moving in between my legs. "These are hell on a man, Miller." His eyes find mine. "In case you weren't aware."

I smile, pulling my bottom lip between my teeth. "Good to know."

He places his hands on either side of my body on the bed and bends his face. Dropping a kiss to my shorts, right above my clit, he says, "I think it's only fair if I return the favor."

I'm barely breathing while I watch him hook his fingers under the fabric of my shorts and slide them down. I don't know what he means about returning the favor, but I don't care what he does so long as he doesn't stop touching me.

He gives me a sexy smile as he removes my shorts. "No granny undies tonight?"

I grin. He even makes sex fun. "I would have left them on for you if I'd known you were interested in me."

He stops what he's doing, a fleeting look of confusion passing over his face. Then, he moves over me and brings his face closer to mine. "How the hell did you do the math on that and come up with me not being interested? I told you I couldn't get our kiss out of my mind. That's not something a guy says when he's disinterested."

I put my hands to his chest, my heart practically galloping now he's so close and saying things I like. "I don't know. I overthink everything and come to bad conclusions."

"Well, since you told me you're into me, you should know I'm just as into you."

His eyes spend the longest moment searching mine and it might be one of the most intimate moments of my life. It's like he's searching my soul, connecting with me in a way no man has ever taken the time to. And then when he dips his mouth to mine and kisses me oh so slowly, deepening it with every swipe of our tongues, it feels like he's joining us, soul to soul. Even if just for the night, he's giving himself to me.

I thread my fingers into his hair and wrap one of my legs around his body while we lose ourselves in the pleasure. Ethan settles his weight over me, slides his hands along my jaw and into my hair, and kisses me like it's the only thing he's ever wanted to do.

We spend so long kissing. Just kissing. It's unlike any sex I've ever had. It's actual making out and I am here for it.

When Ethan finally lets my mouth go and lifts his face, he says, "Fuck, I could do that with you for hours."

He unleashes a million butterflies in my stomach with that declaration.

The corners of my mouth curve into a smile and I glide my fingers from his hair down to his shoulders. "Me too."

He traces his gaze over my face, taking his time, and I get the impression Ethan isn't a man who gets in, takes what he wants, and gets out fast. I think I've found a man who dedicates himself to pleasure.

He kisses my jaw. "So, we're done with your doubt now?"

I grasp his face and pull his mouth back to mine and we go back to making out. This time, my hands are all over Ethan's chest and his abs. His muscles. I've never touched muscles like his.

I end our kiss, breathless and needy. "The only doubt I have is about why your hands aren't on me?"

His mouth kicks up, sexy. His eyes heat some more. "Why are we in such a rush, Miller?"

"Because I'm way past ready for my first orgasm."

He arches a brow and he even makes that look hot. "Your first? You're making some pretty big assumptions there. I might not have more than one in me."

I roll my eyes. "Seriously, I'm pretty sure you're not the kind of guy who doesn't hand out orgasms like they're going out of fashion."

More of that sexy grin. And then another kiss that curls my toes and steals my breath. "How many are we talking here?"

I grind myself against his hard length, my impatience for him reaching new heights. "Is this a ploy to make me so desperate for your dick that I'll beg you for it?"

The look in his eyes says this is exactly that, but he doesn't answer me. Instead, he kisses his way down my neck to my throat, then down to my chest. He pushes my silk cami up so it bunches at my throat and starts kissing one of my breasts, and is almost to my nipple when he glances up at me. "Is this hell yet?"

I recall what he said earlier and put it all together. "This is you returning the favor?"

He sucks my nipple into his mouth. But only for enough of a moment that the pleasure hits my veins and then gets interrupted. "It's only fair," he murmurs, and I hear the distraction in his voice. I hear just how much it's taking for him to slow this down.

I bury my fingers in his hair and tighten my leg around him. "You are hell on a woman, Black," I breathe. "In case you weren't aware."

"Fuck," he rasps before teasing my nipple with a lick and then a hint of a bite. And then, then, he finally stops teasing and gives me what I want.

He spends an exorbitant amount of time with my body. He uses his hands, mouth, tongue, teeth. It turns out that when Ethan Black dedicates himself to something, he goes all in. Nothing can sway him from what he's doing, not even me.

He edges me closer and closer to my first orgasm, all without touching me where I really want him to, and when I try to shift his attention to my pussy, he takes hold of my wrists and pins them to the bed, not stopping what he's doing with his mouth for even a second.

"Ethan," I whimper. "I need your mouth on my pussy."

His grip on my wrists tightens as he looks up at me. "Soon."

When he goes back to my breasts, I take matters into my own hands. I've never been this bold during sex, but Ethan makes me feel more confident than I've ever felt.

I force my hands free and push his chest, and then we're sitting up and I'm in his lap with my arms around his neck. The approval in his eyes spurs me on. "Soon is too far away."

He presses a kiss to my neck before looking at me with a mixture of amusement and lust. "I wouldn't have picked you as needy."

"And I wouldn't have picked you as being so slow, grandpa."

He chuckles but the sound dies quickly on his lips as heat fills his eyes again. "I want to take my time with you, Maddie."

And just like that, I melt.

I squeeze myself against him, even needier now, but for something else. "Say that again."

Everything about this moment shifts as Ethan wraps his arms around me, tightly, possessively, and looks at me like I'm the only woman in the world. "I want to take my time with you." His lips brush over mine, grazing me so lightly that I should hardly be affected, but I think this man could affect me from the other side of the world without so much as a touch. "I want to taste every inch of you." The brush of his lips turns into a whisper of a kiss. "I want my hands all over you." His kiss deepens. His hands come to my face to hold it. "I want to get to know every hollow of you." He stares into my eyes. "I can't speed this up, Miller, because I would be missing out on so much if I did that."

Our mouths collide, thanks to me. I no longer want him to take things faster, but I desperately need his mouth on mine, and I need that now. I kiss him like a starved woman, and he gives all of that back to me, just as starved.

When we come up for air, he keeps me close, not letting me move an inch. "You're going to lie down now and you're going to let me take my time."

My arms stay tightly around him too. "Is this you being bossy?"

"This is nowhere near me being bossy."

My core betrays me, loving what he just said even though I've sworn off bossy men.

I stay in his arms for a moment longer and then I unwrap myself from him and do as I've been told. Ethan hangs on my every move, his gaze intense, and once I'm lying down, he says, "Take your top off."

Holy god.

One order from him and I can't comply fast enough.

A second later, I have his eyes on my breasts, and I've never enjoyed a man's eyes on me as much.

"You are so fucking beautiful," he says, moving over me, saying words I believe simply because he said them.

He kisses me again and I let him take all the time he wants. And I love every second of it.

Ethan's a man who likes to explore. A man who likes to appreciate. His kisses show me how much he enjoys time with me. His erotic touch says he's turned on by every second he has with my body. And his whispered words let me know he likes what he's discovering.

When he finally gets to my panties, he peels them off, and with his eyes on mine, he circles my clit with his tongue. The pleasure I feel is indescribable. Unlike any pleasure I've experienced.

It's in my veins, my core, my mind. It's in my soul.

My back arches up off the bed as he uses his tongue over and over before sucking my clit into his mouth.

"Oh god!" I cry out and when he grasps my ass to lift me higher against his mouth, I curve a leg around his neck.

His stubble grazes my skin as he eats me, his hands hold me firmly, and his tongue, oh his tongue, does filthy, beautiful things to me. And I'm undone.

Ethan lets me go so he can finger fuck me while his tongue goes back to my clit. Every touch, every stroke sends me further into this exquisite oblivion. I come with my eyes closed and my hands tightly gripping the sheet. My orgasm rushes through me, the sensations making it so I forget everything but how good it feels.

All I know is this is bliss.

Pure, amazing, delicious bliss.

I'm boneless by the time Ethan kisses the inside of my thigh and says, "Orgasms look good on you, Miller."

I crack one eye open. "Do I have to talk right now?"

"No." He trails more kisses along my thigh. "Are we anticipating another orgasm still or are we thinking you're about to pass out?"

A smile pushes its way across my face. This man.

I open both eyes and take him in. His dark hair, perfectly messed up from my fingers. His face, his strong jaw, so fucking beautiful. His blazing masculinity that also holds just enough softness that says he'll do whatever I want while ignoring how turned on he is right now.

I sit up and crawl into his lap, looping my arms around his neck, and kiss him. It's a deep kiss that I don't rush, exactly how he prefers, and when I'm finished, I say, "We're chasing another orgasm, Black. Don't think you're getting out of it."

I reach a hand down between us, and with my eyes still on his, I slip into his sweatpants and find his cock, eliciting a groan from him as I wrap my hand around him and stroke.

He's got one arm around me and brings the other one up to caress my breast, tweaking my nipple. His eyes are so hooded, his breathing hot and fast as we watch each other while I pump him.

There's something so wanton about this. Hot in an indecent way. Maybe it's because I don't really know Ethan. Or it could be that most of the sex I've had hasn't been like this. I'm used to missionary and quick, mostly unsatisfactory encounters. I've never straddled a man like this and jerked him off while we watched each other. The record needs to show that I want a whole lot more sex like this.

"Fuck, that feels good," he groans, breaking eye contact to kiss my throat and bite my neck. His breathing grows heavier as he kisses his way back up to my mouth. "We need a condom." When I moan at the roughness in his voice, the need I hear, he growls, "You make that noise again and I'm gonna come before I get inside you."

"I don't have a condom. Do you?"

"Maybe."

I like his answer. A lot. I like that he's not the kind of guy who's always prepared.

I stop stroking him. "You should go find out."

His lips demand another quick kiss before he moves off the bed in search of his wallet. I'm so wildly turned on and ready to be fucked that I think I'd offer everything I own to the gods to be assured of him finding a condom.

It turns out the gods are on my side tonight. Ethan finds a condom.

He strips out of his clothes and rolls it on and then we're a tangled mess of limbs and lips and hands, and he's lifting one of my legs over his shoulder before pushing his dick inside me.

I grip his biceps as he sinks into me. "Oh god," I pant, finding it hard to breathe at the way he fills me.

His eyes are glued to mine as he pulls out and thrusts in again. "Fuck, Maddie," he says, his voice strained, his breathing growing ragged.

I rock with him, and we find our rhythm. It's neither fast nor slow but it's intense and fuck me, Ethan goes deep and discovers the right angle I need.

My hands move to his shoulders when his thrusts become faster and harder. And as my orgasm edges closer, I close my eyes and let the pleasure consume me.

I completely lose myself with my fingers digging into his skin; the world shrinking down to the feel of him, the scent of him, the taste of him, until there's nothing but him.

Ethan grips my leg harder and pushes it tighter against me as he drives his dick into me after I orgasm. Then, with one last thrust, he comes.

"Fuck," he rasps afterward, collapsing onto the bed next to me. His chest heaves as he tries to catch his breath, the rapid rise and fall gradually slowing.

I smile and turn my face to him, still a little breathless myself. "That covers it."

He looks at me, his eyes still dark with the remnants of desire. A lazy, satisfied smile tugs at the corners of his mouth. "That was fucking good," he murmurs, his voice low and husky as he reaches out to trail his fingers along my arm.

My smile grows and I find the energy to roll toward him. Snaking my arm across his chest, I tease, "Good is such an underwhelming word to describe something, don't you think?"

Amusement covers his face. "If you're looking for something more flowery, I'm not your guy." His hand curls around my forearm over his chest. "I'm a simple man, Miller, but you should know that in my mind, there's not much better than ‘fucking good.'"

I press myself into him some more, enjoying the feel of his skin against mine. "Okay, I agree then, that was fucking good."

With a smile, he bends his mouth to mine and steals a kiss before leaving the bed to dispose of the condom. When he returns, my attention is drawn to one of the three tattoos I vaguely noticed while we had sex. This one is on his left bicep and is an intricate pattern of black lines that are spiraled and looped to resemble butterfly wings.

"What's the story behind this?" I ask, lightly brushing my finger over the tattoo as he settles himself on the bed again, pulling me in close. I have no doubt it means something to Ethan. I can't imagine he'd permanently ink himself with something that's meaningless to him.

He glances down. "It's the Lorenz attractor, a symbol of chaos theory."

Invite the chaos in.

"What is chaos theory?"

"It's the science of surprises and teaches us to expect the unexpected. It deals with the nonlinear and unpredictable like weather, our brain states, the stock market, and so on. Have you heard of the butterfly effect?"

"I've heard of it, but I don't know anything about it."

"It's the concept that says even the smallest action can lead to unexpected and profound changes. So, for instance, a single flap of a butterfly's wings can create a storm halfway across the world. It may take a long time, but the connection is real."

"So, you're not just a pretty face. You're a sexy science nerd too." I could listen to him recite facts for hours.

He gives me a smoldering look as he reaches down to bring my leg over his body. "I'll take sexy."

"What about the nerd bit?"

He rests his hand on my thigh. "Yeah, that too. I read a lot of shit."

"What do your other tattoos mean?"

He raises his arm that's around my shoulder and shows me his inner forearm where four simple symbols are inked in a line. "This represents the idea of letting chaos in if you want change."

"And the one on your chest?"

"That one wasn't my best decision in life."

Color me intrigued. I push up onto my side and look down at him, noting the grimace on his face. "Okay, so now you definitely have to tell me about it."

Still looking slightly pained, he says, "I was barely nineteen when I got that one. I was trying to impress a girl, which in hindsight was a waste of my effort because she was the one who cheated on me."

"What does it mean?" It's a beautiful tattoo but he's giving me the impression he's not a fan of it.

"It's the Sanskrit symbol for breathe."

"You say that like you don't like it."

"It's not something I would choose to get, but I was young and dumb. Lyra wanted matching tattoos and I couldn't have jumped any higher or faster to do what she wanted."

I study the tattoo again. "I think it's lovely."

"It's a reminder for me now."

"To breathe?" I try not to smirk.

"Smart-ass." He grins. "No, it reminds me not to jump so fucking fast all the time."

I lightly run my finger along his jaw. "I don't know, Ethan, you do seem to like inviting chaos in. If you weren't as spontaneous as you are, I wonder if you'd be bored in life. I, for one, am glad you are because otherwise, I would have missed out on our conversations, which are helping me make changes in my life." I push up to sit cross-legged on the bed and add softly, "Before we left for dinner tonight, I posted that photo you took of me, along with a post about my relationship and abortion."

I've got all his attention now. "How are you feeling about that?"

"It's a little scary, but I went with my gut and stopped letting fear make the rules. I'm not sitting in my mess anymore, and that feels good."

"Fuck, Maddie," he curses with a look of regret, sitting up with me. "I was just trying to force your anger out when I said that to you. I—"

I place my finger to his lips, silencing him. "No, you were right. I was scared to deal with all of this, but if I just keep piling more lies and half-truths on top of what's already out there, nothing changes. And I desperately want things to change."

His studies me silently and I see his mind working. "That's a brave fucking thing to do."

"It might also have been a dumb thing to do, but I can't take it back now." I smile, remembering what he said to me earlier. "My head can play catch up and figure it all out later, though, right?"

"It absolutely can," he says before reaching his arm around my waist and pulling me onto his lap. "You're capable of anything, Miller. Don't ever forget that."

My breath hitches at the way Ethan's looking at me, like he's captivated by me. And at what he says. No one has ever said anything like that to me.

He slides his hand along my jaw and into my hair. "You believe that, right?"

"Yes, but I've never felt like anyone else believed it."

He scowls at my admission. "You're spending time with the wrong people then."

"Yeah, I have been." I bring my arms up and loop them around his neck. "But now I'm spending time with the right person and I'm hoping he might be up for another orgasm."

He gives me a knowing look. "We're not sleeping tonight, are we?"

I laugh, loving how easily he can go from fun, to sexy, to serious, and back again. "I don't think so, Black."

With that, he pulls my mouth to his and gives me what I'm after.