23. Raegan

Chapter twenty-three

Raegan

The door slams behind me as I power through the firehouse. I’m not even sure where I’m heading, just so long as it’s far away from Aiden. If I tell him what Gordon made me do, he’d call me the same names that Vera spat at me, and I know it would break me. He already shot close to the mark before, and I almost lost it then. I can’t trust him not to verbally and viscerally rip me to shreds once he finds out.

Dane hasn’t asked me about the names or accusations yet. I’m both surprised and relieved at his patience, but I know I can’t keep hiding it from him forever. He’s going to want an explanation about what she meant.

Killing GE goons who kidnap and harm children is one thing.

But anyone else? An ex-boyfriend and his friends? Innocents?

It’s unforgivable.

She’s dangerous.

Terrorist .

Monster.

Villain.

You’re worthless.

The words circle in my head on a loop, taking bites out of me with every round. My lungs tighten, and I gasp for air, stumbling forward because I can’t let myself stop and fall apart where anyone can see me. My legs move on autopilot, taking one step after another even though my entire body feels numb to the motion.

Then my face impacts with something warm and hard, and all my momentum halts before I’m ready.

“Where do you think you’re going, beautiful? It’s your turn,” Kellan says. His hands grasp my upper arms to steady me, and I stiffen in his hold. “Hey.” He tries to tilt my face up to look at his, but I don’t want him to see whatever broken expression is on there and jerk it away.

He growls and grabs my face to make me look at him, and anger sparks in my chest at him for not letting me run away. “Let me go,” I snarl, shoving at his chest. His hand on my arm drops behind my back to draw me closer to him instead.

“Never. You don’t get to run from me, beautiful. I already told you that you have me. I’m yours whether you want me or not, so don’t you fucking dare try to hide from me. You got a problem with me? I’ll fix it. Got a problem with someone else? I’ll ruin their fucking day, their year, their life, until it makes you happy. So, tell. Me. What’s. Wrong.”

His words are like a balm on my aching soul, and the anger melts enough to make me pause. I gnaw on my lip in thought. Should I tell him what happened? Or will that just open up more questions that I’d have to answer?

“Come on. Let’s move to the training room.” He shifts me around with his arm and leads us out of the open living area before either Dane or Aiden can walk in, and I’m grateful he realized I wouldn’t want either of them seeing me right now.

He grabs a roll of gauze and sets it in my hand. “Wrap up. You can talk and train at the same time.”

I take it, letting the familiar action of wrapping my hands set me more at ease. I draw a long breath once I’m done and seek out Kellan in the room.

He smacks the punching bag in the corner twice and then curls two fingers back to summon me over to him. “We’ll start with the bag first. Pretend whoever or whatever upset you is right here. You can say or do whatever you want to them until you get it all out. If you have any energy left after, then you and I will keep working on your handwork.”

I shift my legs apart in my fighting stance, internally pleased when he doesn’t kick them immediately to show that I went too wide or too narrow, and raise my hands into fists in front of me. I stare at the large black punching bag that’s bigger than me and picture Aiden.

I hear the insults that glide from his tongue as easily as breathing. I picture the contempt on his face or the hatred in his dark eyes when he looks at me. The way he gets close to me, setting my heart racing and my thoughts spiraling before he knocks me down again.

It’s worse with him than anyone else. His words don’t just burrow under my skin. It’s the way I react to him and how he seems completely oblivious to it. To me. His words wrap around me in that smooth-as-chocolate cadence, lulling me into a sense of safety before he drives the needle home and leaves me devastated on the floor.

And still, every time he draws me in, I fall for it. Again and again. Like some masochistic sheep who craves the pain just as much as this stupid dream of acceptance from him.

My fists pummel the bag in different routines of strikes that Kellan has taught me in our nightly sessions. He stands behind it, holding it still for me as I go, but shouting out corrections that I hear more as a faraway echo while my own thoughts are at the forefront of my mind.

“Harder! Straighten your back! Use your legs! Don’t drop that hand!”

I make the adjustments as he calls them out, but I don’t let them interfere with where my thoughts go.

“Who are you hitting right now?”

“Aiden,” I answer without thinking.

“Why Aiden?”

“He says he doesn’t trust me, but he’s broken my trust more than I’ve broken his,” I growl, listening to the firm smacks of my fists against the plastic. The sound is therapeutic in the rhythm I’ve picked up. “All he does is tear me down, but he expects me to share shit with him that has nothing to do with him. It’s none of his business. Or anyone’s but mine.”

“More!” Kellan shouts, and I don’t know if he means with the punching bag or what I’m saying, but my body reacts automatically.

“He’s a selfish, arrogant, sadistic asshole who won’t admit when he’s wrong! I hate him!” I gasp and swing one last punch at the bag before stumbling back to catch my breath. I drop to my knees and then fall back on the mats, stretching my arms and legs out while my chest heaves.

Kellan crouches beside me, his eyes taking me in from head to toe. His nostrils flare, and his lips twist into a frown. “Aiden, huh? Are you sure he’s the one you’re really angry with?”

My head rolls on the mats so I can look at him. “What do you mean by that?”

He shrugs, setting his chin in his hand as he gazes at me from higher up, which reminds me of Jackson. My chest twinges with the memory of my dark shadow, who I haven’t seen or felt in a while. Where has he gone? Did he leave me behind on this mission he’s on?

Kell smiles at me, but it’s tight and doesn’t reach his eyes. “You and Aiden fucked.” My eyes widen and snap over to his before I can stop them, and he nods like that was answer enough.

“That and what I’m talking about have nothing to do with each other,” I argue hotly.

His eyebrows raise slightly. “Oh, no?” he counters almost sarcastically. “So, are you thinking about doing it again, even when he pisses you off like this?”

I push up to my elbows on the floor to glare at him. “What does it matter?”

He moves over me in a heartbeat, his knees straddling either side of me while he leans forward and forces me back against the mats. “It matters,” he breathes darkly, his large hand coming up to touch my face. “Everything matters when it comes to you, beautiful. I just need to know if I’m going to have to up my game at winning your favor if I have competition.”

“There is no competition,” I murmur between us because he’s so close. “I already told you I don’t do relationships. I do what I feel in the moment because I never know when it might be my last. I don’t plan for the future or worry about tomorrow, in case it never comes.”

“You will have a future. I swear it. And when GE is gone and you realize you could settle down with someone, give your heart to someone, then I’ll be there to make sure that someone is me.” My breath catches at the declaration, then releases slowly. I can’t see any future until GE is gone.

Kellan smirks cockily and continues, “I didn’t expect Aiden to get in the way, but I think he’ll fuck up his chances all by himself. So, I think my odds are still looking good.”

I chuckle and shake my head at him. “You can’t forget about Jackson.”

He raises a single brow. “What about him?” I give him a knowing look, and he huffs a laugh. “Of course, that sneaky guy got to you, too. I knew it would always be between the four of us.” Kellan pushes himself back to his feet and holds out his hand for me. I take it and pull onto my feet.

I realize then that he said the four of them. “There’s nothing between me and Dane. And Aiden…that was a mistake .”

He chuckles and grabs a wipe off the wall to clean the punching bag, but doesn’t argue with me. I can’t tell if that means he agrees or if he’s just choosing not to push his statement.

I sit on a bench against the wall and grab a bottled water from the pack. The idea of a future and what I would do with my life rolls around like the water in my mouth. Is it even worth dreaming about?

What about Portia?

I promised to take down Gifted Enterprise so that I could see her again. I have to have a future to make that happen.

“Hey, Kell?” I ask quietly, still somewhat lost in my thoughts.

He tucks the last bit of gauze into his wrap, then secures it with a bit of tape before punching a fist into his palm. “Yeah?”

“Did we miss Christmas?”

Kellan cocks his head to the side, and his face furrows with confusion. Probably at the sudden topic change, or maybe he is as unsure of date and time as I am. “I saw decorations and lights out at the store earlier, so probably not. Why? I don’t need a gift, beautiful, if that’s what you’re worried about. I can think of a few things that don’t cost anything you could give me instead,” he teases with a wolfish grin.

I chuck my water at him after an eye roll and a smirk, and of course, he catches it easily in one hand. “Like you’d wait around for Christmas every year for that.”

His grin widens. “Oh, but I’d put a bow on it to make it special.” He snaps his fingers together in an ah-ha moment and points to me. “Actually, if you could dress yourself up in a bow…that would be my favorite gift.”

“Duly noted,” I reply with a smile, and his eyebrows jump to his hairline. “I want to get some white lights to hang around the firehouse,” I speak up before he can distract me again with the main reason I’d asked about Christmas. The white lights will look really good against the exposed brick and wood that takes up the main living area through to the kitchen.

Kellan takes a swig from my water bottle and then wipes his lips with the back of his hand. “Alright. We usually put a tree up every year, but we don’t decorate aside from that. The Guild does the bigger deal for the holidays.”

I nod slowly, taking my time to share this with him. “I, uh, can’t remember the last time I celebrated a holiday. Something about being here makes me want to experience that again…if it’s not a big deal, I mean.”

“Not a big…” Kellan stares at me incredulously and then scoffs. “Fuck, beautiful, we can do the whole kit and caboodle then! What about the last five—” He stops himself at my look and shakes his head. “Yes. We’ll decorate, sing carols, you and Dane can watch those corny classics, and then we'll eat some Christmas turkey and ham.”

“I don’t need all of that. Just some lights and the tree will be great, Kell. We’re still fighting in a war, and I’m not trying to take away from that.”

“Too bad. We’re also still living our lives here. There’s no reason to put the holidays on hold for GE. If anything, we’re showing them we’ll continue to live our very best lives despite them being around. I’ve already missed the last five years of holidays without you; we’re not skipping it this year.” He crosses his arms and pinches his chin in thought while he nods to himself. “Christmas Day will be for us, but we’ll need to take you to the Guild for all the shows and events the members put on for Christmas Eve. ”

“Shows?” I’m partly excited but mostly concerned with how much work and time this seems to be turning into. Shouldn’t we still be hunting down GE? And would Aiden really approve of us wasting our time on this?

Well, it’s not like we’ve been doing much else the past six weeks anyway for him to suddenly give a damn.

“Some of the members perform. There’s a talent show where most of them use their gifts in some way, followed by anyone who can sing. Then a Secret Santa and some games, unless you want to just relax with a drink and listen to the music.”

Oh. Wow. That all sounds incredible. “Are you a member of the Guild?”

Kell shrugs. “Technically, yes.”

“Does that mean you’ll be performing?”

He throws his head back into a raucous laugh. “You want to hear me sing, beautiful?”

I imagine his deep timbre singing “Blue Christmas” and, uh, yeah. I really fucking do. “Maybe.”

He chuckles and tosses my water bottle back to me. “I’ll start working on a song for you, then.”

I smile and nod, trying to picture the moment in the bunker surrounded by all that greenery and the people there. I wish I could bring Portia with me to see it.

The thought sucks the brief happiness from my soul.

Has Elias found her yet? Will she be celebrating Christmas with him, at least? What if I could take down GE before Christmas so she could come home?

My face is turned upward, and I see blue-green eyes staring down at me. “Now, where did you go?”

I try to smile at him, but it’s small and melancholy. “Do you think Elias found Portia yet? I don’t want her to be alone for Christmas. She should be here, coming to see the shows with me.”

His lips turn down, but I don’t expect him to know anything. Elias hasn’t contacted me, and I’m sure he’d have found a way if he had her. At least to tell me she’s safe. Which means he’s still out looking for her.

“I’ll talk to Aiden. But enough of that. I think it’s time we tested the results of your training so far. And have a bit of fun. We’ve been cooped up in these walls for too long.”

“What do you mean, test the results of my training?”

Kellan’s grin turns feral. “I’m taking you to the Pits.”