53. MADDY

53

MADDY

Only when he is far enough away do I feel tears streaming down my face. I stand silent, but I want to scream, "Coward!" Scream it in his face for leaving and not giving me a chance to say how I feel.

I return to Little's room with the bravest most cheerful face I can summon right now.

Little still looks a bit out of it, but his expectant gaze bores into me when I walk up to his bed.

"Hey, Little."

"He's mad at me?" he asks, his pleading gaze hoping for a good answer.

"No," I say, stroking his head. The sight of the IV needle in his little hand breaks my heart. Rave and I did it, and there is no forgiveness for this.

"Where is he?"

"He had some things to do, but he will be back a little later to be with you," I say with a smile, biting my lip right away so as not to cry.

Little shakes his head. "He's not busy. He's upset, Maddy."

What am I supposed to tell the kid?

"Go get Raven, Maddy. Please. Jus'… Jus' talk to him. He needs someone," Little says, and I feel like he is repeating someone else's words.

"I'm staying?—"

"Please?" He tries to get up, then winces at the needle poking at his hand.

"Shhh," I calm him. "It's all right."

"Samantha said I can watch a movie if I'm good."

"She said that, huh?"

We don't ever have children in this place, so all the nurses fawn over Little like he is their own.

"Okay, Little. You need to rest, then Samantha will bring a movie. I'll be here, okay?"

"No, Maddy. Find Raven. At the cave."

"Cave?"

"Yeah, the one I told you ‘bout."

Samantha walks in with a smile, her eyes instantly lighting up at the sight of the kid. "I got it, Mads. Go. Take a break. I'll be here."

In the front hall, Archer and Kat are already talking to Dr. Hodges.

Kat takes me aside as Archer keeps getting updates about Little from the doctor.

"Little is fine," I say right away and tell Kat what I can.

"So, what's Raven's take on that?"

I shrug and avert my eyes. "He's upset."

She glances at Archer, then meets my eyes. "Siena, that girl you asked me about…"

"Doesn't matter, Kat."

"You asked. I have the info." She lowers her voice. "She had mental issues before the Change."

My eyebrows shoot up.

"That's not something you want to discuss with anyone. No one, Maddy. Raven gets her medication that she can't get without approval from doctors and psychiatrists. Her father is a senator and keeps it hush-hush."

"So?"

"So, he has some ties with Raven. Otherwise, she and Raven are not involved, I don't think."

I'm trying to process the info when Archer clears his throat, walking up to us. He motions for Kat, and as if this is their code language, she nods. "I'll go see Little." She walks away.

"Maddy, listen," Archer starts. "Whatever is going on with you and Raven?—"

"It's—"

"Complicated," we say at the same time. He smiles. "I know."

It's none of anyone's business, and it's annoying that these two suddenly are concerned about my personal life.

"He gave up quite a bit for you," Archer says.

"Oh, yeah? What would that be?"

"Your father let you stay."

"Yeah, I'm sure it's a temporary thing. You don't know my father. He is trying to play nice?—"

"Raven was the one who made the deal with him."

I frown. "What does Raven have to do with it?"

"Again, everything. Didn't your father tell you?"

Oh, that hurts. So, I was another deal. For Raven. For my father. And why am I not surprised that Dad tried to bargain something for me?

"He didn't tell me anything about the deal," I say bitterly.

"Raven made an offer in exchange for you to stay here or whatever else you wanted to do."

My heart gives out a surprised thud. "What offer?"

"He gave up his shares in Gen-Alpha, Maddy."

"That's… That's nothing."

"That's millions of dollars."

My heart skips a bit.

"Plus, Raven agreed to drop his long-term partners in the Middle East and Africa and contract arms from Eastern Europe and Asia through Tsariuk. That's leverage."

"He gave the contracts to my father?" I feel the air being sucked out of my lungs. "And you agreed?"

"Gen-Alpha went public. At some point, the main lab will be moved elsewhere. This island will be a buffer territory. It was inevitable, if not with him, then with someone else. We need protection. Zion won't be safe without the additional backup. Your father has a lot of power. He was upset that we hadn't contacted him as soon as we found out about you. Well, Raven ironed out the situation somewhat. And he made sure he offered everything he could in exchange for your freedom before it was too late."

I swallow hard.

"Raven made a deal with him against his interests, Maddy. He stepped over his pride. He pissed off a lot of partners and probably made some enemies. For you, Maddy. For you to be free to choose where to live and what to do with your life. Your father agreed to that."

Impossible… For me? No one had ever given up anything for me before. Raven did it when we weren't together, not asking for anything, just offering all he had to a man he didn't know so I had my freedom back. While I was mad at him thinking he didn't care.

"Why?" I ask almost in a whisper.

"I think you know why. He said he wanted you to be happy. Why he cares is for you to figure out."

That's it. All I ever wanted from Rave was for him to give me a choice, ask me what I wanted. And I didn't need him to sacrifice anything. I just wanted him to care.

A scream is begging to break free from me. A brief violent thought makes my blood pound in my head—I want to physically hurt someone, someone responsible for threatening me and Raven. Even if it's my own father.

I close my eyes, and—every single time—I see Raven's eyes. It's not the same calculating gaze I saw months ago when we first met. This is my Raven's eyes, warm, almost confused, as if he's waiting for my response. The way he looked at me at the Center when I first talked to Dad. The way he looks at Little. Or every time I asked him to stay for dinner. When he told me about Emily. When he talked his heart out minutes ago. Despite anger, that's what he finally did—explained himself. With that gaze of a man who forgets for a moment that he needs to be tough and unbreakable and instead opens his heart. Then locks it right away.

That's Raven.

Finally, I think I understand why he never approached me after the deal was off. He grew up being rejected by society. So, instead of accepting another rejection, he chose to shove his feelings away and move on. And even then, he chose to protect my freedom. That's the man who grew out of selfishness. That's the man I want to stand side by side with.

My Raven.

I walk out of the medical center and go to his place, every step charged with more determination.

Five minutes later, I step onto the porch of his bungalow with flowers lined up at the edge of it.

I knock at his door, but he doesn't answer. I've never been inside and was hoping that maybe right now is a good time. When I dial his phone, it rings, but there is no ringing inside his house.

He can't be in Port Mrei. He is not in the Center either. As per Little, and he talked my ear off about Raven for two months, Raven has a secret place. I leave his porch and walk toward the beach.

The sky is blue with feather-like clouds. The sun is setting and colors the horizon the prettiest shades of pink and orange, the clouds so brilliantly blue with specks of gold. It hurts to look at this beauty while my heart aches. " The biggest tragedies often happen on the prettiest days ," one correspondent wrote after the Change. It was a lovely day on the East Coast two years ago when the horizon exploded in the mesmerizing splashes of vibrating lights, the golden beauty of the nuclear clouds that brought death.

I follow the cues Little once gave me and walk across the beach to its rocky far end and see a trail that disappears up between the rocks. With every step I take, my heart thuds harder. It's as if I can feel him .

Finally, I step onto the leveled hard ground covered by the sand and see an alcove in front of me.

And Raven.

Hands locked behind his head, he leans with his back against the stone wall of the alcove, eyes closed, his chest rising slowly and heavily. He is shirtless, his cuts and wounds from Carnage on full display.

He is a magnificent sight. The waves crash against the rocks, spraying water that doesn't quite reach him. The sunset colors his skin with a golden glow.

He looks like a dark angel.

I want to taste tobacco on his lips. I want to taste like him. I want to be close enough to catch his smell and smell like him. I want to be with him when he's cocky and playful. But more importantly, in moments like this, when pain etches his face.

I take slow steps toward him, my shoes sinking into the sand. When I'm several feet away, I step onto the rocky surface, and sand crunches under the soles of my shoes.

Raven's eyes snap open. Right away, they are on me. Electrifying. Intense. Full of pain. There is so much hurt in them as he gazes at me that my knees buckle. Messy strands of black hair fall over his brow, and I want to push them aside so I can drown in his gaze.

Taking a step toward him is like approaching a caged lion, knowing that the cage door is unlocked, and he might break free any moment.

The ocean is so deafeningly loud. Or maybe that's my heart. It's raging at the way we connect through this one gaze. We always did. But right now, as his gaze melts into mine, we are open books.

He lowers his arms to his sides, watching me as I take step after step toward him, confronting my own untamable feelings.

I want to kiss him.

And when I reach him, I cup his face, stand on my tiptoes, and do just that.