52. RAVEN

52

RAVEN

I can't get Sonny's tears out of my memory. It's the first time he's openly cried.

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Fucking sorry. Every sorry breaks my heart as I push the door open and step out of the medical center.

I'm trying to light a cigarette, but my hands shake too much. I flick and flick and flick the lighter angrily until it works.

Deep inhale.

Deep exhale.

The smoke curls into the air. Blood pumps in my head.

My heartbeat finally starts slowing down. My mind is a sinkhole, swallowing all of me as the images of Sonny in the hospital bed with that monstrous IV in his little hand won't stop spinning in my head, conjuring the awful scenarios of what could've happened.

Fuuuuck!

"Rave?"

The voice sends my heartbeat spiking again.

What is she going to tell me? That I failed? That I almost lost the kid?

Wouldn't be the first time. Yes, that's me. I fuck things up.

"What, Maddy?" I snap, though I asked her to come outside because it was too suffocating to be in the building where our little guy lies on a fucking hospital bed. Because of us.

Maybe it's the first time she doesn't hide her emotions, because they are all over her face.

"Do you have anything to say?" she asks.

I take a deep puff on the cigarette. "I don't know what you want to hear, Maddy. That I fucked up? That I am a monster? That I made a sleazy deal? That I was messing with your life? That somehow, we dragged a kid into it? That it got so messed up that he almost became collateral damage?"

She stands still. Doesn't cross her arms across her chest. Doesn't roll her eyes. She doesn't even look angry. Not anymore. She's deceptively calm.

"I'm sorry it went so far that it hurt the little guy," I say, sucking on the cigarette. "He doesn't understand that sometimes broken things can't just be glued together. Some things just don't work together."

"Deals and demands certainly don't," she says softly.

Oh, here we fucking go.

"You know what?" I feel angry. And it's about time I spilled everything I think about that deal she hates so much. "I don't feel sorry about the deal I made with you back then. Not at all."

Her gaze hardens. There it is.

"You want me to beg for forgiveness?" I taunt. "I won't. There's nothing to forgive. You tricked me just like I tricked you. You want an apology? I'll tell you what. I am not sorry for blackmailing you. No. Not a tiny bit. Because you would've never accepted me otherwise. I'm sorry you feel that way but not sorry for what I did. I learned that almost anything in this world can be traded and bargained for."

"Not feelings, Rave. Not trust."

"Oh, that's a big word, Maddy. You see, I realized that I shouldn't have trusted you all along. You, on the other hand, you knew you could trust me with whatever that deal meant to you. Feelings were never in the bargain, Maddy. They came later, or before, I'm not even sure. I don't remember how I felt before you. You took up the world around me, and I can't imagine it without you anymore. All I feel these days is you. Everywhere. Even when I'm on the other side of the island. Even when I smash someone's face at Carnage."

She winces. Yeah, the truth hurts.

I take a deep breath and continue.

"Just the fact that you exist makes it a little easier to breathe, Maddy. Because we are breathing the same air. Because now and then I get a chance to see you. Even if it's just a glance. For someone who is used to surviving on barely anything, such little things are a blessing. So here, you have it. No, I will not apologize for that deal. I don't regret it even a bit."

Her eyes are glistening. But surely, it can't be tears, or if they are, then I hurt her feelings.

I smirk. "You are disgusted with my words?"

She wants truth? Oh, it's ugly. So, I carry on the verbal assault.

"You know what else I feel these days? Anger. I haven't been so angry in a long time. I hate it. I hate it with all my heart, because I knew from the start that I never had a chance with you. Nothing but some sort of deal. I hate that I knew all along that it would fuck me up, but I still carried on. I knew that it would fuck up someone else, and it did. Him." I point at the building where Sonny is. "I know you think a low life like me couldn't have it any other way. And I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm sorry you had to play this game just to feel what it's like to be with a guy you despise. I am sorry you were put in situations in your life where you had to buy your freedom. I'm sorry you had to go through it with me. I truly am. But given a chance, I would've blackmailed you again, Maddy. Sorry for the shitty truth. That was the only chance I ever had with you. And I wouldn't trade it for anything. Because the last months were the most meaningful in my life."

My chest rises and falls so rapidly that I feel like it's hard to breathe.

Jack London said, " I'd rather be ashes than dust ."

I'd rather live two amazing months with her and then go to hell than a mediocre lifetime without her. So, yes, I would always choose her. No matter the cost. No matter the consequences.

I take a deep breath and toss the cigarette away.

"I'll be back to check on Sonny later," I say without looking at her. "I need a moment. Please, take care of him."

I walk away, not waiting for her answer because I don't want to hear any more ugly words about myself.