50. RAVEN

50

RAVEN

My bruises hurt like a motherfucker. I stare at my reflection in my bathroom, and it's a sight to behold. Lip busted. There's a dark bruise already swelling on the side of my face.

I peel the shirt over my head, wincing at the pain. Oh, hell, hello, my street past. I have a bruise on my shoulder, under my ribs, and a nasty cut on the right side of my torso. My knuckles are busted and hurt from maniacally punching that guy's face.

I got angry at Marlow's. Went straight to Carnage. Big mistake.

My phone rings. Fucking people. Someone is concerned or there's another emergency at Ayana.

Fuck Ayana.

I take a gulp from a bottle of whiskey on my bathroom counter.

My lip stings. "Fuck," I hiss, then check the phone.

The name on the screen makes all the worst in me start boiling in my veins.

Maddy…

Either she is drunk or someone told her about the Carnage fight. If it's the first scenario, I don't need her to blabber mean drunk things at me. If it's the second, I definitely don't need pity.

And then there is a knock at the door.

I walk through my bedroom and toward it, quietly, and peer into the peephole.

Yes, Maddy.

My entire body is on edge in one fucking second at the sight of her.

She's staring at the peephole like she knows I'm right here.

But I take a step back.

I don't want a pity-fuck. If she's drunk, she might flirt, offer herself, and it will make me feel even shittier the next day when she ghosts me.

I take another step back. My phone in the bathroom rings again. She can probably hear it too. It takes all my willpower to keep stepping away from the door instead of answering it.

Another knock comes, a weaker one.

It's torture. My heart wants to leap out and be on the other side of the door. My mind tells me to be logical. My body aches. My fresh bruises are a reminder that I'm failing at keeping things under control, and she can't see me like this.

Tonight was the wrong time to go to Carnage. My anger was too reckless. The flashes of her in my mind were too distracting. I went against the opponent without previously calculating what I knew about him but rather mindlessly throwing myself at him.

I got hurt. Almost lost. But the cuts and bruises and probably a broken rib are not the worst. When I finally found his weak spot and went for it, my anger got the best of me. Punches, punches, punches, fueled by the roaring crowd that went wild. I didn't pay attention to the fact that the guy stopped defending himself from my punches, or his hands limply falling onto the floor along his motionless body. I kept smashing his face, my fist slipping on blood. I would've punched him to death if the referee hadn't pulled me away from him.

I look at my blood-stained jeans and feel disgusted with myself.

That's the reason I don't open the door. I don't deserve a reward for what I just did at Carnage. The physical pain is a harsh reminder, but it's the emotions that make me want to howl like a dog.

I'm losing my mind. I close my eyes and try to imagine what Maddy looks like on the other side of the door. Is she still wearing a dress? She looked like Electra at Marlow's, sexy hips and high heels, that slick ponytail and killer eyes. I can see how she used to be the life of every party.

When I hear her footsteps moving away from the door and disappearing into the night, I feel relief and disappointment at the same time.

When the silence behind my door is definite, I check her GPS tracker. In two minutes, she is at home. Good. She has her Ayana bracelet on. Good girl.

I miss Maddy's voice and smile, they way her fingers felt tangled in my hair, the way she whispered, "Rave," the sound of it laced with desire and something else I imagined was affection when she forgot that I was the man who forced his way into her bed.

I just fucking miss her, and the feeling makes me want to roar like a wild animal.

But she is home. She is safe. And I intend to check on her every fucking day to make sure of it.

I tried to do right by Emily. She ended up dead. I can't fail with another person. And I just hope that the deal I made with Tsariuk will work out for Maddy.

With time, she will understand.

With time, she will forgive me.

I just hope that time comes, even if we are not anywhere near each other.