49. MADDY

49

MADDY

It's been four weeks and three days of us not talking.

I don't mean to count. But when I look at the calendar, that date is always there—the day Raven decided to let me know what it's going to be.

You would never be with a guy like me.

It's sad when people write their own verdicts.

There is a party at Marlow's.

I'm gonna go. I'm going to get drunk. And I'm going to misbehave. It's decided.

Many people know who I am by now. They don't ask me questions, but rumors spread like a virus.

Well, maybe it's time for everyone to meet Milena Tsariuk.

I take my time to dress up. A strapless golden minidress. Six-inch stilettos. Jewelry. I can't afford the brands I used to, but taste is something you can't kill.

I flat-iron my hair and slick it back into a high ponytail, then meticulously apply makeup the way I used to. Half an hour later, my face is a prefect doll mask with smoky eyes and coral lipstick.

"Hello, Milena," I whisper to my reflection.

Part of me is reeling with excitement at what I see. Another part is bitter. No one but Raven has seen this side of me. And I want him to see it again. I'll make sure he does.

Nilanski is waiting for me outside. I like Ali better. He is quiet and kind, and if I coax him, he talks about his past. But Nilanski is funny, full of jokes and silly stories.

When I walk into Marlow's, Kat gives me an up-and-down. "Girl…"

Callie smiles. Bo, Ty, and Guff lift their brows, and Marlow gives me a cat-whistle.

"Are you sure this is the way you want to go?" Bo muses as he hands me a cocktail at the pool bar, everyone's eyes on me.

"I'm not hiding anymore."

Bo smiles, fixes his tinted glasses. "Well, you look phenomenal."

"Thank you."

Next, I take off my Ayana bracelet and put it in my clutch. I know Raven used to track my whereabouts and had the vitals alert set up on his phone. With my bracelet off, my non-existent heart rate will set off the alarm. If Raven still watches me, he'll be here.

I walk behind the row of gardenia bushes, away from the pool, when I see Nilanski walk out onto the deck and scan the area. He can't see me. Good. He talks to Marlow. They both look around, but don't see me.

And that's when Nilanski—I counted on that—calls Raven.

It only takes three minutes for Raven to show up at the doors to the pool deck, his eyes scanning every person around. He looks tired and somewhat angry, but butterflies roar in my stomach just at the sight of him.

I walk out from behind the bushes and start a conversation with Bo, snapping my fingers at the bartender for another cocktail. I don't turn around or look at him, though I know he saw me and is watching me. I gulp the cocktail, then another, and I start dancing by myself.

It's getting dark. The giant pool changes colors from neon blue to emerald to dangerous orange. I dance like I used to when I wanted to draw men's attention, letting my hips swing to the music, closing my eyes, feeling the rhythm.

I don't care who is watching or what they think about me. I don't look at anyone.

Then I feel him behind me. "Where's your bracelet?"

I turn around intentionally slowly and run into Raven's cold steel eyes. I swing my hips, offering him a cold smile but no answer.

"I don't know what you are doing," he says, "but your safety is the priority on this island. Don't make us responsible for your reckless behavior."

"Reckless?" I give him a controlled smile though my mind roars. His closeness makes me want to pull him into me, have his arms around me, and fuck this mess out of my system. "I haven't done?—"

"Please, put it on. If something happens to you, Tsariuk will destroy many lives on this island. Think about that."

"You are afraid of my father now?"

"I'm simply concerned about others."

"Oh, now you are. And two months ago?—"

He turns and walks away, disappearing into the house.

QiShan saunters over. "Look at you, pretty lady. You want to have fun tonight?"

He opens his palm and gives me a wink. There's an MDMA pill on his open palm. I want to take it, or five, or any drug that anyone offers. I want to let go. I want to stop feeling, except I can't. And the only thing that would make me happy right now is not the pill or booze or dancing but seeing Raven. If only from a distance. If only knowing he is in the same room with me.

I shake my head, down my drink, and go for a refill.

Hurt can feel like a never-ending circle of hell. It can also feel like the worst hangover. Three hours later, it feels like the world is spinning around me.

I dance. I dance with Guff. Have drinks. More drinks. Then everything gets dizzy, and Bo gives me water to drink. I keep dancing, and more people are dancing around me. The music is loud, and I forget about everyone and imagine dancing for Raven.

"Girl, you've outdone yourself," Kat says with a smile when she walks over.

"I need to sober up."

"Yeah…"

Kat's expression grows serious.

"What?" I ask.

"Raven went to Carnage tonight."

I wait for what else she has to say.

"He… he almost killed the guy tonight."

The words sober me up. While I was fantasizing about dancing with him, lost on the dance floor for several hours, he was spilling someone's blood.

"He got some pretty bad injuries, Archer said."

"Is he in the hospital?"

Kat shakes her head. "He went home, said he'd do it himself."

"Good," I snap.

"He needs someone to look into it."

"Oh, yeah? And you think it should be me?" I laugh, the sound of it drunk and unpleasant. But I can't help the bitterness.

Kat's gaze hardens. "You know what? I don't know you well. I know Maddy. You are different, Mi-le-na."

I want to argue, my drunk mind ready to spill all my frustration on Kat, but she walks off, leaving me among the dancing people who smile and laugh while I feel more lonely than ever.