1. Chapter One

Chapter One

Ralphie

“Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!”

I came running out of the bedroom after my nap, but he wasn’t there.

Room by room I went, there were only two of them plus the living room and kitchen. The apartment I lived in with my sister, Tess, wasn’t very big, but it was warm and safe and perfect for us. But the Daddy I’d played with today was gone.

I went to the bathroom and there it was. A note taped to the mirror.

“What’s wrong, Ralphie?” My sister got home from work and found me curled up in a ball on the couch crying. I held my hand out and the crumbled note fell into hers.

“That son of a bitch! How dare he.” Tess went into the kitchen. I heard the fridge open and close then she hollered, “Grab your coat and gloves, we’re going outside.”

Tess was not only my sister but my best friend, and the only person who really got me. When I turned eighteen, I moved in with her after my father said I’d mooched off them for long enough and I was no good to him because I’d never amount to anything. I’d barely graduated a couple days before and had I gone on to college or showed any interest in sports whatsoever, I’d have been the favored child. But at five-foot-six and barely a hundred and ten pounds, that wasn’t possible. Not to mention the fact I had two left feet and couldn’t play a sport for my life.

I remember asking Tessy why she had a two-bedroom apartment with no roommate, and she told me, “Because the extra room was always meant for you.” She picked me and my suitcase packed with eighteen years of my sad life up, and we never looked back. A year and a few months later and neither of us had heard a word from our parents.

It’s easy to say we’re better off, but that doesn’t make the pain hurt any less.

Tess was ten years older than me and had been on her own for a while now. I was the surprise my parents never wanted. But once my dad saw it was a boy his hopes for a star quarterback overrode that. Temporarily. As time wore on and I never became anything more than me, he gave up his dreams of what he wanted me to be, and his disappointment turned to anger and resentment.

Why are you so fragile? Stop crying, Ralph. What a fucking pansy ass you are. Then he’d ask my mom if she was sure I was his. She ignored him as she did with all of us, a gift she excelled at. The only one who even came to my graduation was Tess.

Until I moved in with her, I had no idea what she did for a living. She worked in the littles room at a club called Avec Pleasure. Even when she tried to explain what littles were I still didn’t understand. Sheltered as I was, BDSM was a foreign acronym and internet searches only served to scare the bejesus out of me. Until she said those five life-altering words to me.

“Ralphie, I think you’re a little.”

“I’m a what?”

“A little, Ralphie. Here,” she pulled up a web page that best described what she was talking about. It wasn’t until she took me to work with her that first time for a Littles’ Valentine’s Party that it really sank in. And while the party didn’t end on the best note, it opened a whole new world for me and for the first time in my life I fit in with others who were just like me. Even managed to make two new friends in the process, Jacob and Orion.

Outside of going to the club with Tess, I’d occasionally attended munches where I met these so-called Daddies I thought may be the one, only to find out I wasn’t the one for them.

No more munches for me.

“Are you ready, Ralphie?”

I followed Tess outside, completely unaware it was snowing and tilted my head back to catch a few flakes on my tongue. Already I felt better but Tessy had a way of doing that to me.

“Let’s make a snowman, Ralphie.”

“Okay.” She sat a carrot down, must’ve been what she went into the fridge for, then proceeded to make a snowball. Once she got it the way she wanted, she rolled it around to collect more snow and I watched it grow. “Look around for rocks for its eyes and sticks for the arms.”

“Okie dokie.” The great search commenced. Everything in my head turned into a fun game of seek and find. I pretended to be a famous explorer as I dug beneath the snow looking for the elusive dinosaur fossil. Only this time instead of prehistoric bones, the search was on for rocks and twigs. It took a bit, but I finally struck gold.

“Got them.” I ran toward Tessy who already had a big base made for our snowman and was working on its middle. “Wow, Tessy, that’s great.”

“Thanks. Why don’t you make its head?”

I got to work and tried my best to get it as perfect as Tessy’s portions were but as with everything I tried in life, it sucked. Lopsided and chunky, it was a lost cause, and I tossed it away.

“What’s wrong, Ralphie? I thought you were having fun?”

“I suck at this, just like I do at everything.” Stupid tears hit again. I was forever crying. Crybaby Ralphie I’d been called all my life. A horrible nickname that unfortunately was true.

Tess picked up the snowball I’d made and smoothed it over. “I think it’s perfect. Come on, let’s finish up.”

She placed it on top of the others and stood back to admire our handywork. “There, now put the eyes and arms in place and I’ll add the nose.”

I put the rocks in for his eyes but with the pointy corners on the rocks facing down he looked sad, so I twisted them around to make him happy. “There, Mr. Snowman, now you’re good to go.”

“Perfect, Ralphie.” Tess stuck his nose in then we each took a stick and put the arms in place. “Let’s get a picture of the three of us.”

Her smile was infectious, and that showed in our happy photos. My phone buzzed in my pocket as she texted them to me. “Let’s make snow angels then we’ll go inside for cocoa.”

“Yay! Cocoa!” I cheered. “You’re the best big sister ever!”

I dropped first and as I spread my arms and legs out, Tessy snapped more pictures before she joined me. I giggled and shivered as the icy pieces snuck beneath my clothes and it wasn’t until I shivered that Tess decided it was time to go inside.

“Come on, let’s go in and get warmed up.”

I stopped long enough to snap pictures my own of our snowman and made sure the angels peeked out from behind him then skipped along the sidewalk to the door. Tess had just turned on the gas fireplace and was taking off her hat and gloves.

“Don’t forget to hang up your jacket so it dries off, Ralphie.”

“I will. And, Tess?”

“Yes?”

“Thank you.”

“Anytime. I’m gonna make the cocoa. Sit by the fire and warm up.”

I hung up my coat and left my boots on the entryway mat then wrapped up in my Cookie Monster blankie and sat in front of the fire.

“Here you go.” Tess handed me a cup of warm cocoa and sat beside me. “We’ve been invited to have Thanksgiving with Jacob and Orion. What do you think.”

“What do I think? I think that’s great. I miss my friends.”

“I know you do, sweet boy, which is why I told them we’d be there. Ralphie,” she paused, and I was afraid to hear what she was about to say. “I know you’re a lonely boy and I hate that but these Daddies you’re meeting aren’t real Daddies. They’re wanna be Daddies just out for sex. I think you need to delete that app you’re using.”

With a heavy sigh, I reluctantly agreed. “Here,” I handed her my phone. “You do it.” Tess deleted it then handed it back.

“You’re worth more than you give yourself credit for, Ralphie.”

Wish I believed that…

With Christmas only two months away, miracles could happen. Right?

The next morning, I woke to the smell of bacon. Half asleep, I stumbled into the kitchen.

“Good morning, Ralphie.” Tessy was steadily flipping pancakes.

“Morning, Tessy. What’s all this for?”

“I know you have to work today, and I wanted you to have a good meal in your belly first. You tend to forget to feed yourself.”

No denying it, she was right. I forgot to eat, to do laundry, to brush my teeth. Basically, I’d forget my head if it wasn’t attached. Imagine me living by myself. That was a recipe for disaster for sure.

Daddy for one? Yes, please.

“Thanks, Tessy.” I took a drink from my sippy cup. “Mmm milk.”

“And here are your pancakes and bacon.”

“Thanks, Tessy. You’re the best. You’ll be a great Mommy someday.”

“I hope so. I adore littles.”

“Oh, I meant babies, but littles are good, too.”

“Hmm. Having kids isn’t part of my life plan but thank you.” She sipped her coffee and played a game on her iPad. She called it her morning Zen as she fed random animals in the tiny town she’d created.

When I finished eating, I rinsed my plate and put it in the dishwasher then went to take a shower. Before I shut the bathroom door, Tess called out, “Don’t forget to brush your teeth.”

“’Kay.” I turned on the shower and brushed my teeth first while the water heated so I wouldn’t forget. One day I hoped to have a Daddy with a big tub, then I could have tubby time. Bubbles and squeaky toys would be so much fun. Oh, maybe he’d get me rubber duckies, too.

I sang the rubber duckie song while I scrubbed, scrubbed, scrubbed then brushed my hair and got dressed. I was a bus boy at the diner down the street and had to wear a white button-up shirt and black pants to work. They let me put an apron on over it but white to clean up food was never a good idea. But rules were rules, and I didn’t like to break them.

“It’s still snowing, Ralphie. Do you want a ride?” Tessy asked when I came out.

“No, it’s okay, but thanks for asking. It’s only a ten-minute walk.”

I slid into my jacket and boots but before I got my beanie on she wrapped a heavy scarf around my neck. “Thanks, Tessy.”

“You’re welcome. Please be careful and text me when you get there.”

“’Kay.”

She gave me a hug and out the door I went, waving goodbye to our snowman. I really was lucky to have such a great big sister. She wouldn’t let me pay rent or utilities, so I’d buy groceries and sometimes takeout when she’d let me. I had enough saved now that I could buy a car but with no license and no desire to drive, it didn’t make any sense for me to get one, so my money just sat in the bank.

“Good morning, Emerson,” I greeted my manager as I stepped inside and brushed off my boots.

“Good morning, Ralphie. Don’t forget to text Tess.”

Tess came in on her days off and ate here so everyone knew she was my sister, not to mention she made sure they were all aware that I had to check in with her. Secretly, I loved it because it meant I mattered.

“Will do as soon as I get my boots and coat off.” I stuffed my shoes and jacket into my employee locker and slid into the work ones I kept in there then texted Tessy. As soon as I clocked in, I grabbed an empty dish bucket and got to work.

The diner was packed, guess they were all looking for a warm place to hide from the cold. I kept my head down and cleared the tables as soon as the patrons left them.

“Ralphie, time for lunch.” Karen, Emerson’s wife, caught me as I set the dishwasher to run. “Clock out. I have your lunch ready for you.”

“Thanks, Karen.”

I enjoyed working for them. They were so nice to me and when I broke a dish they didn’t yell. I hated yelling, it made me want to run and hide.

And cry. Everything made me cry…

We had a small employee table at the back of the kitchen with four chairs next to our lockers. If you worked six or more hours in a day you got a free meal, though Emerson and Karen fed me for a four-hour shift.

“Yummy, grilled cheese and loaded potato soup.” I was a big fan. Comfort food, Tess called it, and I guess it kind of was. On a snowy day soup really hit the spot.

I took a foodie pic and sent it to Tess who returned a double thumbs up.

“Fair warning,” Karen said as I clocked back in, “it’s standing room only out there. Not sure what’s up but I guess everyone in town picked today to eat here.”

“Holy moly,” I whispered to myself as I came out of the kitchen. Karen wasn’t kidding. Even the small waiting area was overflowing and every table had bodies at it. Times like this when there was nothing to bus, I helped our servers out by refilling water and iced tea glasses, so I filled a pitcher with each and got to it.

At the end of my shift, the servers tipped me for helping them and while I didn’t do it for that reason it was nice that they thought of me. Emerson sent me home with dinner for Tessy and me as a thank you.

“What’s all this?” Tessy pointed to the bags I had.

“We were super busy today, so I helped the servers out. They tipped me and Emerson sent home dinner for us.”

“I’ll have to make sure and thank them next time I’m in. Let’s see what goodies they sent.”

She went into the kitchen to unload them while I stripped out of my winter stuff.

“Two points for Emerson!” Tess cheered.

“Nummy roast, potatoes, and carrots.” Some of my favorite things Emerson cooked. Who was I kidding, I loved everything he made.