Chapter 34

THIRTY-FOUR

" I can't believe they are partying after everything."

I lift my head from the kitchen table, where I had been aimlessly staring at my phone, hoping Evan would call or text. I haven't heard from him since yesterday when he said he needed space.

Well, he's had some, and I fucking hate it. I don't want space. I want him.

"Who is?" I murmur. I forced Alice to move back here. I don't know what the fuck is happening on her campus, but two people are dead, two people who harassed her, and I want to keep her as safe as possible. She's the only thing in this world I care about—well, her and Evan, who is currently ignoring me.

"People at our school. I mean, seriously, what kind of—oh shit, is that Evan?" I'm up and over the sofa in an instant, grabbing her phone. She yelps and tries to take it back. It's an Instagram story panning around a party, and my eyes narrow.

"Where?" I ask.

"Maybe it wasn't . . ." She trails off when we see Evan. He's laughing and surrounded by his friends. Some guy has his arm around his shoulders and is leaning into him, and I see red .

Leaping up, I point in her face. "Text me the address and do not leave this fucking house. Lock up after me." Snatching my keys, I rush out the door and climb in my car a moment later. Jealousy and anger fuel me as I pull into traffic, almost backing into a car.

I check my phone and put in the address. It's on the other side of campus, and I fume the entire drive.

How can he ignore me and then go out and flirt and hang on some other guy? He said he needed space, and he's doing this? Yeah, it pisses me off, but it also makes me so jealous I can barely see straight. I don't even park when I pull up. I just abandon my car and storm inside. People move out of my way, no doubt seeing the look in my eyes and not wanting to fuck with me.

"Hey, Alek," Lally calls with a frown as I search the crowd.

"Where is he?" I demand.

Her eyes widen, and she steps into my path. "Nope, not happening, big guy. You need to calm down before you find him. I'm not having you raining all that down on him."

Breathing heavily, I fist my hands at my sides and try to calm down. "I'm not going to hurt him."

"You already have," she says softly. It lands, and I flinch. "Alek, why don't you go, and he'll talk to you when he's ready?"

"I can't," I tell her, and his laughter reaches me. The sound is more familiar than my own heartbeat, and so bright and beautiful it makes my soul ache. I fight the smile that wants to curl my lips because he didn't laugh for me.

Moving past Lally, I follow the sound and find him sitting in the middle of the living room. He's telling some story, and everyone hangs onto his every word. A girl has her hand on his thigh. She leans into his side, her eyes bright with alcohol and desire, and he doesn't seem to care.

I feel like an intruder, and I hate it.

I hate that she's touching him when I can't.

I hate that he's happy while I'm falling apart without him.

"Evan," I call.

He turns, and the chatter dies down, every eye turning to us. I see people nudging their friends and whispering, but I don't care. All I care about is how his smile dies when he sees me and he stands.

"Alek, what are you doing here?" he asks, sounding confused, a cup dangling from his hands.

"I'm here for you," I answer without shame. He runs his eyes over me like he always does, but this time, when they clash with mine, there's a coolness there I don't like.

"How did you know I was here?" he asks, and it's silent except for our conversation. I hesitate, and he frowns, heading my way as I move closer.

He meets me in the middle of the room. "I don't like that she's all over you," I say slowly.

"You have no right to be jealous or pissed," he retorts, crossing his arms.

"No? How about the fact that you're out here partying when two people just died, and you're drinking."

He flinches. "To forget you," he admits.

"You wanted space." I step toward him. "This is as far as you get now."

He stares at me, so sad that it breaks my heart. "Please stop, Alek."

"I can't," I reply. "I tried, but I can't. You did this, rich boy. You came after me, made me care, and made me need you," I hiss. "It's your fault."

"My fault?" His laugh is so bitter, it kills me. "You're right about that. It's my fault for falling in love with you."

My heart stops and then races. "You love me?"

"I do, and I'm an idiot." He looks me over once more like I'm a stranger. "Because the truth is, Alek, you are never going to want to admit to being with me. You are never going to love me enough to get over that I'm not a girl. I know you're hurting and fucked up from your past, but I can't keep doing this."

"Pretty boy, please," I beg, reaching for him. "Let's just go somewhere and talk privately."

"Always private." He looks away for a moment. "No, I'm done with privacy." I swallow as he meets my eyes again. "If you want me, then kiss me right here, in front of all of these people. Otherwise, I'm walking away for good. I can't do this. I can't keep hurting myself just to keep you. I can't love you if it means hating myself. Kiss me, Alek, right here, right now, or lose me."

"I can't," I croak. "Please, please don't ask me to. Please, baby."

He nods, pursing his lips in a pained smile. "Then we're done." He turns, but I grab his arm. He looks back at me, tears swimming in his bright gaze. I hate that I put them there. I hate myself so much right now.

"Last chance, Alek," he warns. "Claim me in front of everyone or let me go."

"Please don't do this, Evan," I plead. I can't lose him, but I can't do this. Doesn't he see my panic? The whole party fades, the edges blackening until I feel like I'll pass out.

I'm back there, at that other party, even though I'm here, holding on to Evan, then he takes his arm away, my lifeline holding me to the present.

"Then it's over." He leaves, and I fall backwards into my memories.

I don't even know how I make it out of the party, but when I'm back in my car, Lally is leaning against my side, the door open. "Should I call your sister?" she murmurs kindly.

I turn my head away, not wanting her to see me cry.

Why does it just feel like I lost my entire world?

"Okay, do you need me to drive with you? You shouldn't be alone right now."

"No," I croak. "Just be with him. Thanks." I shut the door before she can protest, and despite my words, I barely remember the drive home or collapsing into my bed and rolling over to bury my nose in my comforter.

The tears come then, and I bite down on my tongue so hard to stop Alice from overhearing that I taste blood.

I cry silently for what we could have been if I was strong enough, but I'm not. I'm weak, just like they said—weak and wrong.