Chapter 33

THIRTY-THREE

" T wo college students' bodies were found today—" I skip to the next channel numbly. "The deceased are students at Pine Valley." Hitting the off button, I stare at the black screen. It feels weird to be in my dorm since I've been spending so many nights at Alek's, but I need my own space to think.

While I was being asked the same thing over and over, and then left alone, it was all I could think about—us and how to put it into perspective. Life's too short to be unhappy, and I don't want to be unhappy. I like Alek a lot, but I don't want to hurt him nor myself by loving him. We both need to figure out what we want, and to do that, I can't see him because when I do, all I think about is him, and nothing else matters but our own little world.

Lally sighs, her head resting on one shoulder. Tommy's on the other as we sit on my single bed, our legs hanging over the side. "I can't believe they hung themselves. I mean, they were assholes from what you said, but still . . ."

I don't say anything about what I uncovered while being questioned. I don't want to worry my friends any more than I already have.

"Are you okay, Evan? You're quiet," Tommy asks.

"Mm." I can feel them looking at me. They were here when I got back. Tommy escorted Alice home, and then he called Lally. They grilled me as soon as I walked in, but I told them how tired I was, and luckily, they let it drop, but they refuse to leave me, knowing something is wrong.

"I can't believe they took you to the station. What assholes!" Lally snaps. "If I could, I'd march down there and grill their asses."

That makes my lips curve. "I'm surprised you weren't rallying outside."

"I stopped her." Tommy snorts. "Alek seemed to have it under control, and I didn't want her to get thrown in jail alongside you."

"Cellmates," Lally whispers as I nod, but the sound of Alek's name makes my heart clench.

"Where is Alek?" Tommy asks.

"Home." I shrug, and they must hear something in my tone.

"Uh-oh, trouble in paradise?" Lally asks.

Sighing dramatically, I place my head on her lap, and she strokes my hair as I continue to stare at the black TV screen.

"Tell your besties," Tommy urges, rubbing my legs. "We might not help you commit murder—" He groans as a pillow hits him. "What?"

It does the trick, and I smile, turning to look up at my ceiling. I'm unable to look at them as I speak, telling them about the email and our fight. They are quiet for a moment until Lally's serious voice comes.

"Do you love Alek, Evan?"

I turn to meet her hard gaze. "I think I'm starting to," I admit fearfully. "Maybe I should just do as he says and not show the photos and just accept us as we are. Maybe it's enough and I'm just pushing for too much. I knew when we started this that he wasn't ready. It isn't fair for me to punish him now."

"That's bullshit," Tommy snaps. "He said time, and that means evolution. If it's staying the same, then how is that changing anything? I get not wanting to be open yet and feeling confused, but there is a difference between that and forcing the person you love to deny their future over your own fear."

"Maybe he just cares more than he lets on?" I suggest as I sit up.

"Evan Shaw, you fucking listen to me right this second," Lally snaps, and my eyes widen at her angry tone as she points right in my face.

"Do you really feel that fucking low about yourself that you would put up with someone treating you like shit? Treating you so fucking badly just because you're desperate to be loved and accepted, even if that means he never makes you a priority, shows you off, or claims you publicly? Tell me you have more respect for yourself than that, Evan. You deserve to be loved loudly and in public. You deserve to be happy, not sad and worried because you made the mistake of kissing him in public or taking his hand or showing some pictures. Don't fucking settle, Evan. I mean it. I know you think Alek Anders is your soulmate, but what if you're just a passing fling to him? Have you ever thought about that? You're just an experiment, something to try. To you, he's your forever, but to him, you're just for now. I love you, Evan, but I don't like who you are becoming. My best friend would never accept this. The man who fought every single person, including his family, to be openly bi would never accept a love that meant he had to hide who he was. We want you to be happy, and I thought Alek was it too, but if he isn't, then cut him loose. You don't bend for him or change who you are for someone you love. You grow with them. So tell me, Evan, is Alek worth it? Is he worth it all?"

Is that what it comes down to?

I spent so long fighting to be proud of who I am, so can I go back to being ashamed of it just to keep him? Can I change who I am just to keep the person I love?

"I love him," I whisper, admitting it for the first time. "I love him, and it hurts."

"I know." They both take my hands. "Love shouldn't hurt like that, Evan. Love should make you stronger, not weaker. It shouldn't put you in knots. I love you, Evan, we both do, and we are worried for you. We've never seen you like this for anyone—like you have become a mirror, reflecting what Alek wants to see, not who you really are. We want you to be happy."

"I know." I feel tears dripping down my face, and I dash them away. "What if I can't walk away? What if I'm not strong enough to? "

"Then you aren't the Evan we know and love," Tommy murmurs. "You aren't the Evan who stands up for those weaker than himself, and you're not the Evan who stepped in front of me when we got jumped when my old friends found out I was bi. You're not the guy who fights for everyone. Remember who you are, Evan, because you are fucking amazing, and if you need to walk away, then do it. Don't settle just because you think it's all you deserve."

He wraps his arms around me, and Lally does as well so they are both holding me. I cry in their embrace. "I thought he was the one."

"I know." Lally kisses my cheek, holding me tighter. "He still might be, but you need to fight for yourself, Evan, for your heart. Don't hand it to someone who doesn't deserve you. If it gets broken, we'll be right here with ice cream and bad movies, ready to cry with you. We are your family."

That only makes me sob harder, and I cry for everything I've lost.

For the boy who just wanted his parents' love and approval.

For the boy who only wanted his first love to end happily.

For the boy who can't help but fall for the one who wishes he were everything he's not.

For the man who would do anything for the man he's fallen in love with, while he would only do the bare minimum.

For the heart I healed and gave away again, only to be broken once more.

This time, I'll keep it. I'll give it to myself.

Alek Anders might be the love of my life, but I'm not his, and that's what it boils down to.

I thought he was my forever, but for him, I'm just his present, and it hurts.

Lally and Tommy are snoring. She's on the floor, between our beds, our hands still linked as I stare at the ceiling. I should be worried about the police and the bodies, but all I can think about is my aching heart .

It's breaking, and I hate it. I know they are right.

I either have to love him fully or let him go. There can't be any in-between. I need answers, but I'm scared to get them because I know it will mean the end of us.

My phone buzzes, and I turn my head, checking it.

Alek: I'm sorry, Evan.

I snort and look away. He's sorry. He's always sorry. It's Alek's move. He breaks it and then tries to fix it. He's so focused on protecting his family and his life, he doesn't even seem to care about his own heart and fixing that.

I know Alek is hesitant for a reason, and I know a little about his past. I thought I could wait and maybe fix him, but you can't fix people who don't want to be fixed.

Some people want to remain broken because it's easier.

I know I'm young, but even at my age, I know there will never be another Alek Anders. He was born to be mine and be loved by me. We were born to be together, but this world is cruel and it tears apart happiness, and sometimes love isn't enough.

It can't change everything.

I loved my parents, even through their prejudice and hatred, and they still rejected me.

I loved my friends through their confusion, and they still walked away.

I loved a man through his hesitancy, and it did nothing but pull us apart.

I loved myself even when others said I shouldn't, and I'm still here, hurt and wondering why I'm not good enough.

I'm just so lost.

How the hell am I supposed to have this all figured out like everyone expects? I'm supposed to have a dream and follow it, but also work hard, have fun, and enjoy life without making mistakes. I am supposed to love but not too much or too openly. This whole life is a contradiction, and it's so fucking exhausting sometimes just to be alive. I'm trying to figure things out and find my way, but it just feels like I'm failing all the time and doing everything wrong. I'm standing still where I am, while everyone else is moving on.

I just want Alek to hold me and tell me it's going to be okay, but I can't even have that.

I can't even have the man I love. Isn't that some bullshit?