Chapter 30

THIRTY

I should be at work, but I find myself at the racetrack, watching Sky cut corners and push his car to the limit. He might be an illegal racer, but he's trying his hardest to become legit and part of a team here in Pine Valley. When he pulls up and gets out, tugging off his helmet, I nod at him.

His eyebrow rises as he waves at someone watching and heads my way, hopping the short wall between us. I lean back into my car as he pushes his sweaty black hair from his face.

"I've never seen you here before. You okay, man?" I stay silent, staring at my feet, and he sighs. "Alek, what's wrong?"

"What do you mean?" I mutter.

"I've known you for years, and you've never sought me out, so something is wrong and you want advice or a friendly ear. You don't have any other friends, hence you being here, so spill it. What's up?"

"Smart-ass," I mutter.

"No one else could put up with you," he scoffs, "and since I'm guessing it's about Evan . . ." I meet his eyes, and he nods. "So I'm right. What did you do?"

"Why do you assume I did something? "

His eyebrow arches again. "Alek, you're an idiot, grumpy and rude?—"

"Thanks."

"You can't speak without putting your foot in your mouth, and you don't know how to express yourself normally, so I'm assuming you fucked up, and now you're wondering how to fix it. Am I right?" Sky asks, nudging my shoulder.

"I shouldn't have come here. You're an ass." I push off my car, but he grabs my arm and tugs me back.

"Come on, tell me. That's what friends are for. I know you don't like to need or rely on anybody, but you can trust me, Alek. I might tease you, but we're friends, and I want you to be happy, so talk."

"Don't you need to practice?" I ask, my eyes landing on the track.

"The track will still be there. My friend is more important," he replies without an ounce of hesitation.

Kicking the rocks with my boots, I debate how to start, but it just blurts out of me. "I said some stupid shit, and then I stormed upstairs. When I came down, he was gone. Shit, I should have stayed, but I was scared and angry, and I just needed a minute so I didn't say something that would hurt him out of fear, but I saw that sad puppy-dog look in his eyes, saw the hurt, and I just left. Now he's gone and not replying to my texts, and I don't even blame him."

"Okay, okay, start at the beginning. What did you fight over?" he asks. I hear no judgment in his voice. He's just trying to work through it, and I realize Sky is right. I need someone to listen and help. I need someone who doesn't love me the way Evan does to tell me the truth.

I explain what happened, and he listens. "Okay, so you actually didn't want those pictures to be shown because Evan took them or?—"

"No, of course not. Shit, I'm so proud of him. He was worried, and for his photos to be recognized? I know it's a big deal. I'm just worried how people will react," I admit. "That they'll know."

"Know that you two are together?" he asks, and when I nod, he meets my eyes, considering his response for a moment. "Would that be such a bad thing, Alek? The world isn't the same as it was before, and there is nothing wrong with loving Evan, with loving a man. Why are you so scared?"

"I'm not scared," I snap, but I slump back into the car, my eyes on the track. "You don't understand. You're so proud of who you are?—"

"I wasn't always. I'm not saying I had it easy, Alek, because I didn't. You aren't the only one who struggled to accept who he is, but would it really be such a bad thing to be loved like that? Evan is so proud of you, he wants to show you off and talk about you. He's letting you into his life, he's reaching for you over and over, and you're pushing him away. I wonder if it's because you are really scared of everyone finding out or if you think you don't deserve his love." He straightens. "If you can't accept it publicity, at least accept it privately."

"What do you mean?" I whisper.

"That you are falling in love with a man . . . that you are gay, Alek. You have to accept that and love yourself for it or no one will ever be able to, and if you aren't careful, you'll lose a man who is willing to wait and hold you through it, and you'll regret it forever. Trust me on that and just talk to him. Tell him why you're scared and let him understand because right now, he thinks you're ashamed of him. He thinks he should be a secret, and I'm guessing he thinks it means he isn't good enough to be loved."

"What?" I snap. "Nothing could be further from the truth. He's so fucking amazing. He's smart, talented, kind, and strong, and he has this laugh that just makes everything better. The world is brighter when he's around! How could he ever think he isn't good enough to be loved?"

"Words are cheap, Alek. Actions speak more. Evan strikes me as the type of person who takes everything to heart. If he's been hurt in the past, then that scar is still there. It's your job to help heal it, not create more. Figure out what you want and fast because"—his hand lands on my shoulder—"rather you want to admit it or not, you already love that boy."

"I can't lose him," I admit, "but I don't know if I'm ready."

"You can't have both." He smiles sadly. "Be someone he's proud of. Be someone you're proud of. You are strong, Alek, the strongest person I know, so if anyone can stand up and shout about who they are, it's you. Fuck what anyone else thinks or says. It doesn't matter. All that matters is the people you care for and what they think, and we are here, right behind you, supporting you."

"You're right," I murmur.

"Say that again." He smirks, making me laugh.

"Don't get cocky." I push him back. "Thank you for being my friend, Sky, even when I'm stubborn?—"

"Or rude or mean or an asshole." He laughs as I smack him again. My phone vibrates, and I pull it out, hoping it's Evan, but my heart sinks and drops at the text I see displayed on my screen.

Alice: There's been an accident on campus.

My heart freezes, and my body becomes cold as the world buzzes around me. My eyes catch on the word—accident .

Alice.

Evan.

I get into my car without a word and race toward the only people in this world I care about. All the while, my heart pounds with fear that either of them could be hurt and that I could lose them.

No, I can't.

My foot hits the pedal as I race through red lights to get to them.