Chapter 16

SIXTEEN

I should leave him alone.

I hurt him, I made him angry, but I can't seem to stop myself.

I know I'm stalking him, but I need to make sure he gets home okay after drinking and walking alone. I quiet my steps and hang back as he stomps toward his dorm. Luckily, Club 37 is on the other side of the campus, closer to his dorm, but it's still a walk, and he had a lot to drink. He's so annoyed, grumbling to himself, that he doesn't even sense me behind him, which pisses me off.

I want to shake some sense into him, but I don't want to fight again.

I'm tired of him being angry at me.

When he disappears into his dorm, I linger outside for a little while, watching his light come on, his silhouette framed in the window. Part of me aches, knowing I lost something that could have been amazing, but I know it's for the best.

I could never belong to someone, especially Evan. I'm too damaged for that, and he deserves better. He deserves someone who can proudly stand at his side and show him off. He deserves someone who knows what he wants and isn't as confused as me.

I mean, fuck, I don't even like guys . . . Do I ?

I need to deal with my confusion, so I head to the gym. I let it morph into anger—anger at myself, anger that the one person I'm attracted to is a guy after everything that happened.

I strip down. Luckily, the gym is empty at this time. It's a small one, mainly for bodybuilders and calisthenics, but it has a separate kickboxing area, and that's where I take up shop. I need to beat something up. I need to get all these emotions out.

I want to feel pain as my feet and fists hit the bag, splitting open my wounds. That sharp pain only spurs me on more.

I lose myself in the burning of my muscles, pushing myself harder and faster, the bag swinging so wildly that I eventually have to stop. I lean on my knees, breathing heavily, sweat dripping down my body, and I smile bitterly when I realize it didn't work.

My thoughts instantly go back to him.

Is he okay? Is he still mad?

Fuck! I slam my leg into the bag before collapsing on the floor, my arm across my face, trying to block everything out, but all that does is throw me into darkness, and in that darkness, bright sunshine appears before the image contorts to his furious face. My cock hardens uncomfortably in my pants, even as my heart aches.

What am I doing?

I am so fucking confused. I wouldn't let anyone else talk to me like that, but then again, I wouldn't go out of my way to insert myself into someone's life like I'm doing with Evan. Dropping my hand, I press my fingers to my lips, remembering the way he felt when I kissed him.

It was soft but hard, and his body wasn't like a girl's when it was pressed against mine. He was all hard muscle, but I didn't hate it or the way his dick rubbed against mine as we came together. Shit, no, I didn't hate it. I might have even liked it.

Why does this keep happening?

Why can't I stay away from Evan Shaw? He's no good, not for me at least. He's everything I hate and everything I don't need. I have to focus on my future and taking care of Alice, not beating the shit out of things, refusing to sleep or eat since he's all I can think about.

Why can't I just stop ?

Why does that smiling bastard have such a hold on me?

Why can't I just be normal?

I don't want to think about Evan. I don't want to want him. I don't want to wonder what his skin would feel like against mine or imagine his eyes flashing as I pin him. I don't want to want a boy.

I just wish my body would listen, my heart too. Can't it remember what happened before?

Why is it doing this to me, and why now?

I know I'm messed up inside, a total headcase, but I'm spiraling. My past mixes with my current issues, leaving me raw and angry. I wouldn't mind liking Evan if he was a girl, and that's fucking me up. The worst part is I know it's fucking him up to. I don't want that. Despite all my anger toward him at first, Evan is a good guy. He also knows what he likes and wants. He shouldn't be made to feel like it's wrong just because I can't wrap my head around it.

I should let him go, but I can't.

I reach for my phone, staring at it for a moment before I make a decision. I swipe through the options before I hit unblock.

A string of messages from the last few days comes through, and I grin as I read them, but the last one makes me sit up.

It's from tonight, before we saw each other.

Rich Boy: Fine, Alek. I get the message. I'm done. Tonight, I'm going to forget all about you, so don't worry anymore. I'll leave you alone.

Something inside me squeezes, and despite knowing I shouldn't, my instincts take over, and I type a quick message, hitting send before I can stop myself.

Alek: Don't.