33. Secret Santa

thirty-three

Cam

Istare at the little white piece of paper folded in my palm. I don't need to open it to see the name inside, because the overhead light shines through it, and I can make out a capital "V" marked in pen.

Apparently, Furry Friends plays Secret Santa every year around the holidays. It isn't a big thing. There's no grand reveal or huge Christmas party or anything. It's just a little ten-dollar gift, popped into the locker of the person whose name you drew.

And out of all twelve people, I drew Violet.

I know it should be easy to think of a gift, given how much time we've spent together the last few months. But most of that time was spent… not talking. And the things we have talked about? Well, it all just seems like too much. I slide the paper into my pocket, grabbing my coat off the hook.

"Heading out?" Violet asks, poking her head through the salon door. I nod, shooting her a crafty smile.

"I finished early, and…" I pat the pocket of my jacket where her name is hidden. "Well, let's just say I have some shopping to do."

Violet grins, nodding.

"Yeah, me too. Who'd you get?" She juts her chin out as she asks the question, and a frown takes over my face.

"It's supposed to be a secret," I say, crossing my arms.

Violet shrugs. "Sorry, sorry. I forgot what a rule follower you are sometimes."

I roll my eyes.

"Do you want to know who I got?" Violet wiggles her eyebrows, and I push past her, out of the salon.

"No," I say. "I do not."

I already know she got Brooke because she told Adrian, and Adrian told me. I also know Adrian got Martha, and Malcolm got Avery. But Violet doesn't need to know any of that.

"Okay, okay," she says, putting her hands up. "It's slick out there. Is Hayden picking you up?"

As much as I love Luigi, even with snow tires, winter isn't his strong suit. But that wouldn't prevent me from driving him, if only he would start. The temperatures have reached below ten degrees today, so when I tried to turn on the engine this morning, he pretty much flipped me the bird.

"Yeah," I say, looking down at my phone. A notification glows with his name, and I look back up at Violet. "He's here. See you later?"

Violet and I don't say "see you later." We just always assume we will. So I don't know why I asked it, like I was scared for some reason I wouldn't.

"Yeah, Cam." She smiles. "See you later."

"What's with your face?" Hayden asks as I slide into his heated passenger seat. I frown.

"What's wrong with my face?"

"Nothing! Absolutely nothing. You're beautiful as always, I just mean…" He gestures to me. "You're looking… upset?"

What Hayden means by "upset" is that there are purple half-moons under my eyes, my unplucked brows are growing a forest between them, and I'm dressed like Kenny from South Park. It's been hard to sleep this past week. Harder than usual, ever since Violet fell asleep next to me that night. The soft hum of her breath, the warm contact of her skin. How when I roll over, she follows, her arms glued to my waist. I don't know if I'll ever be able to sleep again without her. Actually, because of the contract, I don't know if I'll ever be able to sleep again at all.

I'm beginning to hate those rules, but I know they're there for good reason.

"I'm fine," I say without meaning. "I just..." I pull out the little white paper and plop it into Hayden's hand. "I got Violet for Secret Santa."

Hayden raises an eyebrow at me, a subtle smile tugging on his lips.

"Okay," he says, setting the slip of paper in his empty cup holder. "But why is that upsetting?"

I huff.

"Because," I say, as if it's obvious. "That's like…against the contract."

"You really put that in there? No gift-giving?"

I swallow.

"Well, no. I put it in there that things have to remain platonic."

Hayden's brows furrow.

"How is gift-giving not platonic? You give me gifts, and we're not—"

"I don't have sex with you, Hayden."

He nods, staying quiet for a moment.

"Well," he says, finally shifting his car into gear and pulling out of the parking lot. "I still don't see how it isn't platonic. I mean—" He glances at me then back to the road. "Isn't freaking out about it the thing that makes it not platonic?"

"If you weren't driving right now, Hayden, I would smack you."

He chuckles, a bright smile stretching across his face. "You don't believe in violence," he says. "That's why you're so…" He gestures to me. "You."

I roll my eyes and let them land on the passenger side window. The snow is coming down rather heavily, giant thick flakes floating through the air. It's beautiful, really. Colored lights illuminating the town around us as we drive carefully through.

"Why do you say that?" I ask, quieter than I mean to. "That I'm the one making it not platonic?"

Hayden adjusts his grip on the steering wheel but continues to stare forward.

"Because," he says, even softer than I, "If you weren't scared that you felt something more, you wouldn't try so hard to prove you don't."

I stare out the window, my eyes attaching to different objects, following them as we pass until they're out of view. Then, I find another. And then another. Hayden's wrong. I'm trying to prove I don't have feelings for Violet because I actually don't. Because friends can be as close as lovers, and I can't risk falling into another toxic dependency with someone. Another trauma-bond.

"Can you help me?" I ask finally. "With the present? I mean, you probably know more about Violet than I do, but if you don't want to you don"t have to."

"I want to."

He takes one hand off the wheel to squeeze my arm for a moment, before placing it back on.

Ididn't know the Enchanted Emporium existed until Hayden pulled up to it. I frown, looking over at him.

"What is this?" I ask. He taps a small brown stone that hangs over his rearview mirror. It clicks.

"Oh, she got you too?" I tease.

I don't think Violet's belief in crystals is absurd. Everyone needs something to believe in, it's part of survival. Honestly, I find it much more believable than I find a man coming back from the dead or a sea splitting down the center at the command of some bearded guy. That isn't to say I believe in crystals, though.

But that doesn't matter. Violet believes in it, and that's quite enough for me.

"It's helpful," Hayden claims, rubbing his thumb over the top of it.

We walk through the emporium, dark green walls engulfing us, black bookshelf accents throughout. There's incense burning somewhere, I can smell it. And a fat tabby cat is stretched out on the nook in the front window, soaking in the last bits of sunlight left.

"Hi, welcome in," a blue-haired employee says. They give us a smile as they approach.

"I'm Ruby. Are you looking for anything specific today, or just browsing?"

"Just browsi—"

"She needs a crystal for her boss, who she is also in love with," Hayden cuts in. My cheeks turn red, and my gaze snaps over to him in a very intended glare. Here he goes again with this "love" shit. I am not in love with Violet. Not even close. I look back to Ruby sheepishly.

"That's not—"

But they've already turned around, motioning for us to follow.

"I have a couple options over here," they say, completely unfazed. I shoot Hayden another glare, my jaw clenching.

"Hayden, I am going to kill you," I mutter through gritted teeth.

He chuckles, throwing a large hand over my shoulder. "It would be a good way to go."

We approach a wooden table, various crystals of a spectrum of colors strewn throughout. Ruby turns around, gesturing with their hands as they talk.

"Have you tried a spell?" they ask, their expression telling me they are dead serious. Like I said, everyone needs to believe in something. I shake my head.

"No, that's not really—" I start. Hayden clears his throat, shooting me a look. "My thing. I don't really know much about any of this actually. I just pulled her name for Secret Santa and—"

They shove a bright jagged orange stone into my palm.

"This is what worked for me." They shrug, letting their hands fall to their hips. "But I did the spell."

Hayden smiles down at me, then back up at Ruby.

"Tell us more about this sp—"

"What is it?" I cut in, shooting him an annoyed glance. He bites back a smile but lets me win.

"It's Carnelian," they answer, like it's obvious. "It, like, creates sexual energy."

Hayden bursts into laughter, and heat rushes to my cheeks in a horrified stare. I quickly drop the stone back onto the table, wiping my hands down my shirt like that will ensure I'm not contaminated by the energy inside of it.

"Uh, I don't think that's the one," I say, sliding it further away. Ruby cocks a brow but doesn't respond. "It isn't what you think."

They scoff.

"That's what we all say."

I furrow my brows, and Hayden tightens his face, trying to look normal.

"Right... Well, with this, it really, really isn't like that. She just likes crystals, and I pulled her name for Secret Santa. That's all."

Ruby nods hesitantly, not really buying my very real story.

"Okay," they say, gesturing to the table. "How about you just go ahead and take your pick."

I walk around the table, looking at all the different colored stones. My eye is drawn to a blue one, and I pick it up, turning it over in my hand.

"That's Amazonite," they say. "It promotes mental clarity."

I nod but set it back down. It just doesn't feel quite right.

"What about this one?" they ask. "It's Kunzite. It promotes peace."

I look up, locking eyes with Hayden. He shakes his head.

"I don't know," I say. "I feel like she's pretty peaceful."

We continue circling around the table, analyzing all the different stones and crystals. There's a set of tarot cards that catch my eye, but Violet never said anything about tarot. Besides, it's well past the price limit.

"I've got it!" Hayden calls out after a few minutes. His eyes shoot up, his cheeks glowing with a beaming smile. Ruby and I both look up at him with anticipation. Hayden raises his hand, a small pink crystal in the shape of a heart pinned between his thumb and index finger. I immediately shake my head.

"You have got to be kidding me," I scowl. Hayden continues smiling.

"It's perfect, Cam. It's all about love." He wiggles his eyebrows, and I cross my arms irately.

"That's why it's not happening," I say. "There is no love between me and Violet."

Ruby glances over at me, like even they aren't buying it. Like they know anything about my situation. Hayden frowns, but I don't care.

"Not. Happening."

He looks at Ruby, waving them over and whispering something into their ear. Ruby's eyes flick up to me, and a light giggle slips through their lips. My jaw clenches tightly.

"It isn't just for relationships," they say afterward. "It can be for self-love, too."

I frown. "I don't believe you."

"Look it up," Hayden says.

So I do. And right there, in an article about rose quartz, Ruby is proven to be correct. And another article. And another. I look up at them.

"That still doesn't mean—"

"—Cam," Hayden interrupts. "Don't you think Violet could use some self-love?"

It's funny because, if you asked me that two months ago, I would have said no. I would have said that Violet seems as if she loves herself enough. I would have believed it too.

But the way she talks about her parents, the way she always helps everyone but herself, I can't say I believe it anymore. I can't say Violet loves herself as much as she should. That she appreciates how remarkable she truly is. I sigh.

"Do you have one that isn't shaped like… that?"

Ruby shakes their head, and Hayden smiles.

"Nope!"

Hayden holds up the stone again, the light pink shimmer between his fingers not unlike the gleam in his eye. I let out a loud huff and look at him and Ruby.

"Fine," I grumble.