31. Jase

"How the fuck could you ruin your life and your career like this?" Dad yells, stomping around my living room. "Picking a fight, getting suspended, then cut? Getting caught on camera with a teammate in a lover's quarrel? How the hell do you think you're going to recover from all of this?"

I sit back against the couch with a deep sigh. What a way to start a goddamn Monday morning. "It's not like we were fucking on camera."

I bite back the words I really want to say, that the fucking happened later, because I'm pretty sure he'll have a stroke on the spot if I let that out.

"I spent too much time and money helping you get to this point, and you managed to destroy your entire future in a matter of weeks," he yells, his face beet-red, his voice raspy because he's been screaming at me ever since I let him in this morning at the ass-crack of dawn.

"Why? Because I'm gay?"

His skin takes on a scary purple color now and his eyes bug out to the point where I think they might pop out of his skull. "Don't say that."

I jump off the couch. "Why, Dad? Does it bother you? Piss you off? Embarrass you?" I pound my fist against the wall. "I'm gay, Dad. I like fucking guys!"

His hands fly up to his neck as he gasps for air. "I think I'm having a heart attack."

I roll my eyes. "Jesus Christ. You're not having a heart attack."

"I might as well be!"

"Why? Because dying is better than finding out your son is gay and that he got fired from his job? I don't have a death wish, and this is all happening to me. So what the hell, Dad? I'm still your son." My pulse throbs against my throat, punching it hard. "I'm still your son. Doesn't that count for anything?"

He sinks onto the couch, dropping his eyes to the floor.

Throat tight, I manage to squeeze out the words that have been festering down deep for all these years. "Kyle was your son, and you turned your back on him when he needed you most. How could you do that? How could you have let him go that night?"

Tears sting my eyes, my voice cracking. "I was there. I heard everything. I waited for you to tell him you loved him, that you would always love him, no matter what. But you didn't say it. You said…"

But I shake my head. I can't do it. The memory is burned into my brain, but I can't say the toxic words that have haunted me for all these years.

"I know what I said." Dad covers his face with his hands, his shoulders quaking. "And it haunts me every goddamn day that I let him walk out the door that night, Jase. I hate myself for it." He raises his red-eyed gaze. "I didn't know you heard us."

"I couldn't ever tell you before now. It felt like a dirty secret that I needed to keep buried because saying it would make it more real to me. And I didn't want to hate you, Dad. I didn't want to believe you hated Kyle."

"I was angry and upset and nervous for him. Being gay in the NFL…" He shakes his head. "I didn't want him to start a career with any black marks against him. Gabe Kelly and Lucas Bentley are out. Now you obviously are, too," he says in a choked voice. "But Kyle would have been out a lot earlier. The league is at least a little bit more accepting now, but years ago, I was afraid he'd have been crucified not only by fellow players, but by the fans and team management. I panicked and said things I didn't mean. Things I could never take back. Things I have to live with forever."

"I was angry at you for a long time, Dad. But I blamed myself, too. Why didn't I go after him, try to make him stay?" I scrape a hand down the front of my face. "Part of me was afraid. I didn't know what to say or how to react. He was so upset, and I watched him leave. He was all alone, and then the accident happened."

I fist the sides of my hair. "I idolized him. Fuck, he was everything I wanted to be."

A tear slips down Dad's cheek. "I let him down. I let all of you down, including your mom. I'll never forgive myself for that. But I can't be sorry for wanting to protect him." He looks at me. "And you. I know I'm tough, but I love you boys more than anything. I always only wanted what was best for you. And this whole mess you started with the suspension… you're reckless and it's going to kick your ass."

"I think it's safe to say my ass is pretty well decimated right now."

A look of horror crosses Dad's face and a dry chuckle slips from my lips. "Come on, Dad. That's not what I meant. And this isn't over. I mean, Lucas and I are, but my career is definitely not. I'm going to bounce back from this. I won't let them take what I worked so hard to build. I know I fucked things up pretty royally, but I can fix this. I will fix it."

Dad laces his fingers together. "Do you want me to come with you for that meeting?"

"I appreciate it, but I can handle Hoffman." I grab my jacket and head for the door. I stop and turn before grasping the handle. "I know I'm not Bryce or Kyle, but my career isn't a fluke. I earned everything I've gotten. You might not agree, but I know what I can do, what I'm going to do."

Dad slowly stands up from the couch. "I only said those things because I felt like you needed a push sometimes, that you'd get too caught up in being snuffed out by your brothers' shadows. I knew saying things like that would piss you off, and let's face it, that's when you do your best work on the field. With a nice big chip on your shoulder."

"Yeah, well, I'm tired of carrying it around. It's fucking heavy." I manage a smile. "You know, I'm actually glad you came to ream me out today."

He nods, a smile lifting his lips. "And I'm glad you never seem to disappoint with your classic Jase fuckups."

Half an hour later,I'm seated in Reed Hoffman's office at the stadium. Trevor looks at me like I'm a piece of dirt on the bottom of his shoe, a nasty smirk lifting his thin lips.

Goddammit, I hate that sniveling piece of shit.

Rex sits next to me in front of Reed's desk, his chair pretty close to me. I'll bet that's to make sure I keep my ass glued to mine, and if I make a break for Trevor, Rex'll be close enough to pull me back.

And he might have to because I'm at the end of my rope right now. Being cut was bad enough, but the videos that surfaced last night of me and Lucas in the hallway before he came into my hotel room… fuck.

I've been fired and outed all in the same twenty-four hours. My phone started blowing up last night and hasn't stopped, not that I've taken a single call or replied to any texts.

But based on what Lucas told me about Trevor, those videos were the work of that asshole. He probably tailed Lucas to the hotel and knew this would be the final nail in my coffin.

At this point, my life is in a complete tailspin and I'm just waiting for the inevitable crash. Hopefully it knocks me out for a good long goddamn time because what's worse than the humiliation of being fired from your team is the betrayal of the man you fell in love with.

My heart aches and it fucking sucks.

Reed lets out a sigh and pulls off his glasses. "Jase, I'm sorry things didn't work out for you with the Crusaders, but I'm sure you can appreciate the fact that we require our players to exhibit a very strict level of decorum, and your behavior as of late has demonstrated the complete opposite over the past weeks."

"I did your community service. Kept my nose clean. Attended all games like a supportive teammate. Let's be real, Reed. This whole thing is bullshit, and we all know it." I lean forward in my chair, my lips twisting. "And don't think I'm gonna walk out of here with my dick in my hand, either. I'm already working with my lawyer because I'm being unfairly targeted here. And I'm sure the gay community would agree."

Reed snickers. "This has nothing to do with you being gay and you know it. There are gay players in the NFL. Gabe Kelly is a superstar and he's the captain of this team. My son is gay, for Christ's sake. You have no leg to stand on."

I shrug. "That's not what my lawyer says. And if the fans aren't happy, then guess what? That shit rains down all over you."

Reed snorts. "Just roll over, Jase. You're not getting reinstated. I don't give a shit what the fans say."

"You're gonna eat those words. And let me be straight with you. I'm fine with moving on. Rex has gotten plenty of offers from other teams." Lies, but fuck him. "And I'm gonna make sure we rake your ass over the coals before I go because I did everything you asked, and you've had it in for me for the past two seasons. This was just a good excuse to get rid of me."

"If you didn't want to get cut, then you should have done a better job out there," he snaps. "If you were the star we thought we signed, we wouldn't be having this conversation right now. You'll finish out the season and then we're finished."

I clench and unclench my fingers, ignoring the twinge in my leg. That fucking injury has plagued me for years, and it's the reason why I haven't been my best since getting signed. I've pushed through it, but I knew one day it'd come back to bite me in the ass.

And here it is, with a nice big chunk hanging out of its mouth.

There's nothing more to say, so I get up and walk out of the office without a look back.

I can't defend myself to Reed. I tried to stay on top, did everything I could to keep myself in top condition. But along with my leg issues, I let anger and jealousy fester to cover up feelings of insecurity and uncertainty, and all of it drove my career into the ground.

This is my fault, my doing. And now I have no choice but to lie in the goddamn bed I made.

I wasn't the star I wanted to be, so I turned into an asshole to keep people far away. I didn't want them to see everything I was hiding.

Until Lucas tore through the barbed wire surrounding my heart and made me realize that what I want for my life isn't at all what I expected.

I let him in, and even though he betrayed me, he made me happier than I think I've ever been.

Now it's over and I'm completely exposed in every possible way.

I rub the stress knot at the base of my skull.

I thought being an NFL superstar would fill the void in my life and my heart.

Ironically, it was never football that brought me the kind of happiness I always thought was out of my reach.

Turns out it was Lucas all along.

And today, I lost them both.