28. Lucas

Istare after Jase for probably a second too long and damn, I hope the look on my face isn't as wistful as I feel right now. Straightening my tie, I replay every terse word of our conversation the other morning.

Can't exactly blame him for looking at me like I'm a cockroach on the ground in front of his feet.

Fuck my life, I made the wrong decision. He came to me, totally exposed and looking for something. I'd thought it was comfort and acceptance, but I realized too late it was way more than that.

It was me he was looking for. Not just a warm body who wouldn't judge him. He came to me, and even though he played it off like it was all about sex, it was way deeper than I could have imagined… or believed.

When he looked at me like I just took a knife to a kitten's throat after I told him he couldn't be true to himself… Jesus. I can't erase that memory from my mind no matter what I do. I'll never forget the pained gaze, the horror-stricken expression, the guilt-knotted words that spilled from his lips when he told me about his brother Kyle.

He was right. I made judgments without having any idea who he really was, so who the fuck was I to judge him?

I couldn't exactly backpedal at that point and tell him I realized then what an idiot I was being. But after days of replaying it in my mind, the hole in my heart just keeps getting bigger. And at this rate, I doubt it will ever heal.

Me approaching him when he was talking to Gabe was weak, but I figured he might at least open the door.

He didn't. And now I'm stuck standing in the cold, exactly in the place I deserve to be.

"So I see Maxwell is still giving you a hard time, even after all that community service that's supposed to be rehabilitating his dickheadedness."

I turn, Gabe's voice jarring me from my self-imposed berating.

"Eh," I say, trying like hell to sound flip. "He's probably just pissed off that you guys are winning while he's on the sidelines."

Gabe nods. "He never really wanted to be ‘part of' when he had the chance."

"I'm sure that's bothering him, too. You don't know what you have until it's gone."

Fuck, now that has to sound like I'm goddamn pining after him.

I swallow hard and force a weak smile. "I'm kind of going through that right now. You know, personally."

Gabe falls into step next to me and we head into the tunnel. "Has to be hard," he says, his voice dropping. "Even if you are out. You just feel like you're being judged. Every little thing is amplified."

"It's really hard. And I'm not even famous like you." I shoulder check him as we walk.

"What about the guy? Is he cool with you being in the limelight?" He winks. "Because even though you play off the fame thing, you're a golden boy and you goddamn well know it."

My stomach is in knots right now but hearing Gabe Kelly say that about me? The knots loosen the tiniest bit. Maybe I needed to hear it, to convince myself that there is a light at the end of my current tunnel, one that leads away from Trevor and the Crusaders.

"We haven't really been out and about. The thing with the videos and the negative PR… I don't want to drag him into the middle of it. Not fair for him to get smeared by my bad press."

"Yeah, I get that. But if he's stuck with you, then he already knows you're a good guy who was fucked by social media."

"There's more than that." I stare at the cement floor in the underbelly of the stadium. "I don't know how good a guy I am. I mean, would a good guy respect someone's decision to deal with his sexuality confusion in his own time? Because I think accusing him of using me to get his fix is probably all sorts of wrong, especially when he told me the reason why he hasn't come out yet."

Gable lets out a whistle and stops outside the locker room doors where the rest of the team is headed. "I had that same experience with my boyfriend, Vince. There are always reasons, and people have to come out in their own time. It's a big decision, and if you really like him, it'll be worth the wait."

"Unless I already messed things up so much that it won't matter how long he stays in the closet because I won't be with him behind closed doors anyway." I shake my head. "I didn't want to be a fuck boy, so I used his decision to stay closeted against him. I tried to self-protect and ended up screwing everything up."

"How do you feel about him?"

My heart thumps hard, heat invading my insides when I remember the sizzle of his fingertips dancing over my skin. "I like him. A lot."

Gabe claps me on the back. "Then take the leap. Talk to him and see what he's thinking. You know from experience that coming out isn't easy. The last thing you want is to be unsupportive, especially if you think he's the one."

The one.

My heart jumps into my throat.

The one.

"You're right." I straighten my tie. "I'm going to call him. I think he's worth fighting for. Hey, how much time do you think we have before the busses leave for the airport?"

"Probably an hour or two."

"Okay. I'll catch up with you later." I have no idea where Jase went, but I have a couple of hours to find him and tell him how I feel, that I want to be with him, that I haven't been able to function for the past few days because of how we left things.

Maybe he'll slam the door in my face again, but I have to try.

I can't have fucked it up forever.

He's definitely worth it.

A smile plays at my lips.

"Good luck," Gabe calls out as he pulls open the locker room door.

I walk quickly down an empty corridor, pull out my phone, and stare at the screen. Maybe I should just call him. He might answer, he might not. But I'll never know unless I try.

I scroll through my contacts and find his name. My finger hovers over the screen when a hiss of breath behind me makes my skin crawl.

Fingers run down the slope of my back and my spine stiffens.

I know that cologne.

Gritting my teeth, I turn around.

"What the fuck do you want, Trevor?"

His eyes survey me like l'm his dinner, and a feeling of disgust makes my stomach roil.

"I think I've made it pretty clear what I want," he hisses. "But you obviously don't think I'm serious about my desires. Or my threats."

Recoiling, I suck in a breath. "So if I don't take you up on your offer or whatever the hell you want to call it, you're going to, what? Sic the press on me the way you did to Jase the other day? Humiliate me, break me down? And then what? How the fuck does that help you?" Heat floods my face. "How did tearing Jase down help you? Or was that just you being the fucking power hungry asshole you are, ripping people to shreds so you can feel better about yourself?"

His thin lips curl upward into a nasty smirk. "You're very protective of the guy who fucked you over in the first place. Why?"

"He didn't fuck me over. I made my own bed."

"Maxwell had it coming. He's a liability to the team and everyone knows it. Even him." He leans closer and I want so badly to launch a fist against his jaw and send him flying into a wall. "And speaking of beds… what would Ella and Nick do if they saw the photos and videos of their big bro making a porno? Because that's exactly what it looks like. Can your character take that hit, Lucas? Now, when you're hanging by a string?"

Blood rushes between my temples. "You fucking planned that whole thing when we were together, didn't you? You knew exactly what you were doing when you invited me to that party."

"Maybe I did." Trevor shrugs. "We all have to self-protect, right? You know how tired I am of people questioning me because I'm Reed Hoffman's son? The rich little bitch who just takes orders, doesn't give them?" He trails a finger down the front of my shirt. I shove his hand away.

"If we're together, people will see me as someone to contend with, that I'm not just some peon. Because the world loves you, despite the shit you pulled with Maxwell. You're gonna give me cred, Bentley. Nobody has ever taken me seriously. And now they will."

I nearly choke on the knot growing in my throat.

Trevor grabs the back of my head, moving in like he's going to kiss me. Bile rises in my throat.

"Are you gonna make the right call, Lucas?" His breath is hot against my skin. Tiny hairs flare up in protest of his touch. "Or are you going make the biggest mistake of your life and turn down the only chance you have to salvage your future?"