20. Lucas

Isit in my car and wait in the parking lot outside Project Renewal, just like I have every day over the past week. Jase always comes out after me. He pulls a magical disappearing act at 6:55, five minutes before our shift is scheduled to end.

And he always shoves open those doors at 7:10.

Like clockwork.

I guess he figures I'll be long gone by then.

He's got no idea that I watch him, caught in the trap of my own desire, agonizing over the questions burning up my brain, the ones that loop over and over with no answers to be had.

Well, at least none that I want to hear.

My shoulders sag as he pulls open the door to an Uber and slides into the back seat. The car disappears a few seconds later while my thoughts continue their torture and torment.

This is pathetic. Fucking borderline obsessive. He's made it clear he wants nothing to do with me. Won't even ask me for a damn ride since he can't drive himself with that cast on his shifting arm.

So why the fuck can't I just let it go… let him go?

He tries to avoid being alone with me while we're working, but when we're with the kids, which is most of the time, it's a little hard since we're sharing the field and have to communicate. We also do conditioning drills together. He barely looks at me, though. It's almost like he thinks acknowledging me will give way to something else, something he's too scared to expose.

That makes every day pure torture for me.

Because I want so badly for him to expose everything to me.

And it makes me want him so much more.

I press the ignition button and head to soccer practice. Krista already picked up Nick and I promised Ella I'd come and watch her for the last half hour. I get to the soccer field a few minutes later and grab a baseball cap from my back seat. I'm not in the mood to talk to anyone tonight, and the cap is my best option for partial anonymity.

I hang around the fence, off by myself, while the kids run their drills up and down the field. A smile lifts my lips. Ella is such a natural athlete, the way she runs, the way she handles the ball. She's fast, too, running circles around those other kids. They can't catch her and practically trip over themselves trying.

I distract myself from thoughts of Jase by watching the kids scrimmage until practice is over. Once they're finished, Ella runs over to me, waving her hands in the air. Her hair is in messy braids, her cheeks bright pink. And she's smiling so huge.

It makes me feel like I made the right decision for my siblings. And really, isn't that what's most important? I couldn't save my parents, but I can damn well try to save my brother and sister.

A flicker of anger ignites in my gut when I think of my other brother, Aaron. Good-for-nothing asshole has always been more concerned about getting high than being present for his family. Where the fuck is he now? Where is he ever? Hell, is he even alive?

But I know the anger is more about the fact that I couldn't save him, either. He may as well have died with our parents on the night of the fire since he's pretty much ripped himself from our lives.

You can't fix everyone and everything…

I paste a smile on my face, and the smile on Ella's fades.

"You're thinking about the social worker, aren't you? Did she call? Or write up a bad report?" Her voice is choked, the color draining from her face.

"No, none of that. I was actually thinking about how you might go pro one day if you keep tearing up the soccer field like you did tonight."

A hint of a smile urges her lips to lift. "Swear?"

"Swear. How about we grab dinner on the way home?"

Her eyes light up. "Like Chick-fil-A? We can get grilled nuggets and kale salad. And some fried stuff for Nick and Krista since I'm sure they'll want some."

"Chick-fil-A it is." I reach out to tug on one of her braids and we walk toward my truck.

Ella talks for the entire time we sit in the never-ending line at the drive-thru. She does stop to take a breath, and that's when I call Krista to see what she and Nick want.

My brow furrows. Voicemail.

Maybe she's in the bathroom or something.

A few minutes later, we're finally on our way home, the smell of fried food filling the inside of my car.

"The smell makes me ill," she says, wrinkling her nose. "Nick really needs to learn to like healthy food."

"Mm-hmm." I try Krista's phone again. Still no answer.

Then I hit Nick's phone number on speed dial. No answer on his phone, either.

"Hey, can you check Life360, El? See where Nick is? He's not answering his phone."

Ella hums along with the radio as she scrolls through screens on her phone. "It shows him at home. Maybe his ringer is off."

But my stomach wrenches with worry. It doesn't explain why Krista isn't answering her phone, though. And what are the odds that both of them have their ringers off?

An icy hand squeezes me by the throat.

I press my foot on the gas. Wind whips through the trees on either side of the street, whitish-yellow blurs of light flashing in my periphery as we navigate the darkness around us.

I tighten my grip on the steering wheel as we round the corner toward our building. I see the plumes of smoke before my ears can register the sirens in the distance.

My heart stutters to a stop. Tires squealing, I stomp on the brakes, leaving my truck across the street from the building. Ella cries out and follows me to a clearing across the road where it looks like the entire building has emptied into.

Firetrucks stop right out front, men jumping from the back of the truck. A few head into the building while others pull the hoses free.

"Krista! Nick!" I yell their names, searching the pool of frightened faces. Nobody answers.

Heavy chains tug tight around my lungs, making it impossible to breathe. I run after the firefighters and pull one of their arms. "Do you know what happened? My family is still inside."

One of the firefighters shakes his head, the other putting a hand on my chest.

"Stay back there. We have to assess the situation before anyone can go back inside."

"I can't just stay out here. They aren't answering their phones. I need to get to them." I shake my head. "No, I can't wait. They could be in trouble."

"And so could you if you go in there."

With a rocketing pulse, I look between Ella's panicked face and the building lobby. It looks clear of smoke. The danger looks like it's on the sixth floor.

Our floor.

Fuck waiting.

A shudder tears through me and I shove past the firefighters.

"Hey! Get the hell back here!"

"Lucas!" Ella screams. "No!"

They yell for me to stop, their heavy footsteps pounding the pavement behind me. I ignore them and run for the stairwell near the reception desk. They're going to have to shoot me to keep me from my brother.

I take the stairs two at a time, adrenaline coursing through my veins, rocketing me to the sixth floor. My temples throb, throat raw from the razor-sharp gulps of air that lance my esophagus.

Please let them be okay. Please don't let them be trapped.

The noxious smell of smoke assaults the insides of my nose with every step closer I get to the exit. My skin prickles with sweat, head pounding with relentless force. Memories pop between my ears like gunshots—the screams, the cries, the pleas for help.

No. Please, no…

I stagger toward the door that leads to the hallway on our floor, doubled over and breathless. Luckily, the lack of oxygen doesn't stop me from feeling the door before I shove it open. I fall to the ground, thick clouds of smoke billowing out of the apartment closest to ours.

Covering my face with my shirt, I crouch low and head for the door when three people run into the hallway. I squint, my eyes burning from the smoke. Relief grips me.

It's Krista and Nick, and they're carrying Patty, our elderly neighbor, between them.

"Lucas," Krista rasps, her skin dark with soot. "What the heck are you doing up here? The fire department shouldn't have let you up!"

I kick open the door to the stairwell and push them into it before slamming the door closed behind us.

My shoulders slump, labored breaths slicing at my constricted lungs. "No… time. Get… downstairs."

I send Krista and Nick ahead of me and loop my arm around Patty, helping her down the stairs as fast as I can without making her stumble and fall.

When we finally get to the lobby, the firefighter I blew past glares at me. "Do you know how stupid that was? There's a fire on the sixth floor and?—"

"I know," I rasp. "But there was no way I was leaving my family up there and in danger."

"The fire was in my apartment," Patty says in a weak voice. "It was the dryer. My neighbors ran over when they smelled smoke and heard me scream."

The firefighter hails over another guy with an iPad. "Would you please take this lady over to the truck? Get her some water and oxygen and let her tell you what happened for the report."

Krista gives her a hug before she walks away.

The firefighter's lips press together into a tight line when he turns back to me. "Next time you listen or else you could have all ended up dead."

I nod and a second later, his eyes light up.

"Hey, wait a second. You're Lucas Bentley. Holy shit, I'm so sorry I didn't recognize you before."

I force a smile. "I wouldn't have expected you to be focused on anything other than the fire."

"Yeah, well, we gotta take care of our Crusaders." He grins and claps a strong hand on my back. "The guys are up there now, containing it. This time, you were lucky. Don't let it happen again. I don't know how the team would handle Tampa Bay without you."

He gives me a salute and jogs away.

I don't bother to tell him they're going to have to find a way to handle Tampa Bay without me, fire or not. I guess he must've missed the news of the suspension, and the last thing I want to do is rehash it when I feel like my stomach has been turned inside out.

I grab Nick and pull him into my arms, squeezing him until he chokes out the words, "I can't breathe."

I ruffle his hair and grab Krista next. "Thank you for being so amazing. Most people would have smelled smoke and taken off without checking on the one in danger."

"You never would have," she murmurs, resting her head against my chest. She wraps her arms around my waist and lets out a deep sigh.

I absently rub my hand up and down her back. I don't know what I'd do without Krista. She's not just the kids' nanny; she's one of my closest friends. Maybe the only one, since Jase decided not to take me up on my offer of friendship. She's the only one I trust with my brother and sister, and I know she'd have done everything to keep Nick safe up there.

I don't know what I'd do without her, now more than ever.

Once the firefighters clear the area, we head outside. The kids eat in my car while Krista and I talk.

She rubs her temples and looks at me. "I'm sorry I went next door. I didn't mean to put Nick in danger."

I shake my head. "You were just being a concerned friend. And he's the one who called 9-1-1."

She smiles. "He's a smart kid. He had the fire extinguisher, too, when he came over to make sure I was okay."

I rub the stress knot at the base of my skull. "Everything about that night came rushing back. That's why I couldn't stay down here. I needed to get to you guys. I couldn't let it happen again. I don't know what I'd have done if I didn't get there in time, if someone got hurt or worse."

She leans in to give me a quick hug. "It's over. We're fine."

I watch her walk toward her car, heaving a deep sigh.

My control is spiraling, and I can't get a fucking grip on it. All the responsibilities and expectations fell on my shoulders on the night of the fire, where they've been weighing on me ever since. And now there are other forces threatening to knock them all off… my stalled career, Child Protective Services, the motherfucker who reported me to CPS and wants to ruin my family.

If that happens, I'll be the final thing to crumble.