Chapter 13

I wanted to punch myself in the face. If my father was here right now, I"d let him do it. I"d stand still and let him punch the crap out of me.

I heard Marley"s words that she enjoyed what we did, but I still hated myself. I let go. I had no control over myself and my actions and I loved every minute of it.

What the fuck was wrong with me that I wanted to do that to her?

Why didn't she hate me as much as I hated myself? Why didn"t Toby?

Fuck.

I would have stopped if she told me to, wouldn"t I?

Fuck

I flopped down on a bench to the side of the park and scrubbed a hand over my face.

A few uncomfortable truths went through my screwed up mind.

Mostly, I wasn"t sure if I could have stopped. Letting go felt so fucking good. Usually, I was in complete control of myself. The only place I let out some of my rage was on the ice. Even there, I hold back.

When I fucked Marley, I hadn"t held back anything. What did that say about me? I"d tried to leave my childhood behind, not be like my father. Was I fooling myself? Maybe I was as big an asshole as he was.

"Hey." Kage Foster slowed to a walk and wiped a hand over his brow.

We must both have had the idea of going out for an early run.

"Hey, Coach." I gave him a short nod and hoped like hell he"d keep on jogging.

"You okay, Davies?" He stopped on the footpath a couple of metres away and stood, scrutinising me.

"Yeah. Kinda. I guess." I shrugged. "Nothing I can"t deal with."

He regarded me for a moment but didn"t move on. Instead, he sat down beside me and adjusted the Velcro on his running shoes.

"I like to think we"re a team off the ice as well as on," he started. He glanced over at me sideways. "If anything is troubling you, I"m a good listener. Anything you say stays on this bench."

"I appreciate that," I said. There was no way I would or could tell him everything. What could he do anyway? I was already seeing a therapist. I should give them a call and see if they were available in the next day or two.

Was there any point though? I couldn't tell them everything either.

Kage sat back. "If you don"t mind me saying, you always seem like you have something on your mind. All of us have shit we carry around with us. It"s up to you if you want to offload some of it. If you don"t, that"s cool too." He clearly expected me to say something.

"There"s a lot of expectations on us," I said slowly. "Sometimes it"s difficult to be the person other people expect me to be."

"Other people expect it, or you do?" he asked.

I looked over to where a couple of kids played on the play equipment, laughing and running around. Totally carefree and happy.

"Me, I guess," I said. "I have this image in my head of who I think I should be, but… I dunno. Maybe I can"t be that guy."

"Maybe you already are that guy and you"re being too hard on yourself," Kage suggested.

I shook my head. "I don"t think that guy exists. Maybe he"s something I tried to reach for but I"ll never get there."

Cool, calm and collected Cole Davies, the total opposite of his father. Instead, I was just like him.

"A wise woman once said that being aware of our shortcomings was the first step to putting them behind us and becoming better people," Kage said. "That wise woman being my mother."

"We can"t always put things behind us," I said. "Some things. They're just what they are. Things we can"t change, like our eye colour."

"I don"t believe there"s anything we can"t change if we really want to," Kage said.

"What if we don"t want to?" I asked, my voice low. I liked the way it felt to do what I did to Marley. I wanted to do it again. If she was here, I"d force her onto her knees and make her suck my cock. My balls ached thinking about it.

"That"s a decision only you can make," Kage said. "At the end of the day, you have to live with your choices. Figure out what you can live with and if you"re prepared for the consequences of that. If you are, then you have your answer. No one can make you into something you"re not. Not even you."

I placed my knees on my thighs and rested my face on my hands. "That was what I figured."

What were the consequences? Marley said she wanted to do it again. Toby said he was right behind me. Would he let me use him the way she did? If I kept thinking like that, my cock was going to be harder than iron.

If I was honest with myself, I struggled with how I saw myself after what I did. If they didn"t judge me, maybe I shouldn"t judge myself. I hadn"t hit her. I didn"t want to. I just wanted to let go for a little while, to stop being so fucking uptight and wound up. If they didn"t see anything wrong with that, maybe it was okay.

I needed to talk to them and work out some boundaries. That way, I might find a compromise between violence and control. A balance between the two.

"You look like you"ve come to some conclusions," Kage said.

"I have. Thanks, Coach." The conflict in my mind wasn't completely stilled, but things were a little clearer now.

He clapped me on the shoulder. "Any time, Davies. You"re a good guy, don"t forget that. And a fucking good hockey player. One of the best I"ve seen." He used to play professionally in Canada. If he said that, maybe it was true. He knew his shit.

"Thanks." My face heated. I wished I could find a way to get the blushing under control. Apparently women found it adorable, but it annoyed the hell out of me. I didn"t want to be adorable. I wanted to claim the title of big, bad hockey god. The other guys on the team didn"t struggle with doing that, why should I?

"You"re welcome." He placed his hands to either side of him on the bench and pushed himself to his feet. "I"m gonna keep running before I get too cold."

"Yeah, me too." I stood as well and glanced at my watch. I had another hour before I was supposed to meet Marley and Toby for brunch. Apparently she wanted to introduce me to Oliver. This would be interesting, to say the least.

I stepped into the restaurant and inhaled the smell of coffee. The second thing I noticed was Marley, who sat in a booth in the corner, on her phone. I watched her for a minute or two before slipping into the seat beside her.

She looked up at me and smiled, making my heart do a triple somersault. It did another one when she leaned over and pressed her lips against mine.

"You look good," she told me.

"You look better." I ordered a coffee when the server stopped by the table, and waited until he left before broaching the subject.

"About the other day," I started.

She put down her phone and placed her hand over mine. "I meant what I said about enjoying it. In fact, I was thinking about taking it further, if you wanted to."

Fuck yeah I did.

"You"re really not angry at me?" I asked tentatively. "I thought maybe when you"d had time to think about it…"

"I haven"t changed my mind about any of it," she said. "I promise I"m not angry at you at all. The exact opposite." Her tongue swiped over her lips. "I could easily fall for you."

My eyes wanted to pop out of my head. My heart raced like crazy, my palms were slick. All from six words.

"I"ve already fallen for you," I admitted. "I did a long time ago. I wish I"d spoken to you sooner."

"The time wasn"t right then," she said with a twitch of her shoulder. "Now it is." She glanced over to the doorway. "Here"s Toby and Oliver."

I recognised the older man from team physicals before we turned professional. Now we had our own doctor and physical therapist, but he was often at games with his daughter and her boyfriends.

I stood and shook both of their hands before sitting back down.

Toby slid in beside Marley, Oliver beside him. Toby kissed Marley.

Oliver looked like he wanted to. "My daughter is at work, but I don"t know who else might be around," he said. "Having brunch with the three of you might be hard enough to explain without PDA."

"We"ll do all the public displays of affection for you, bro," Toby said.

"Thanks," Oliver said dryly. He gave me a nod. "Cole, you"re one of us now."

I returned his nod. "So it would seem. Is that a problem?"

"No. Not at all. We all want the same thing. Marley"s happiness." The long, lingering look he gave her spoke clearly about his affection for her. He was as head over heels for her as Toby and I were.

"If you gentlemen will excuse me, I need to go to the ladies," Marley said.

I stood to let her out of the booth and sat back down.

"I was hoping to talk to both of you," Oliver said. He looked at us intently, furtive. "Are you both all in with her?"

"Far as I"m concerned, I"m as all in as a guy can be," Toby said.

"Me too," I said. I sensed this was going somewhere and I wasn"t sure I"d like what I was about to hear. If I was him, I"d at least consider telling us both to fuck off. He'd have no luck there. I had no plans to fuck off out of her life now. I'd fight him for her if I had to.

"Good, because I"ve noticed the way Marley looks at my daughter and her belly," Oliver said. "The way she talks about babies." He sat back and let us come to our own conclusions.

I mulled it over for a minute or two. "You think she wants one?"

I hadn"t thought that far ahead. Now I did, how did I feel about it? My father was a shitty role model. What if I was just as bad a parent as he was? Worse. No kid deserves to go through what I went through.

"You"re not your father," Toby said bluntly. "No way you"d do the things he did."

Oliver"s eyebrows rose for a moment, but he absorbed Toby"s words without comment or judgement.

"I have no intention of being like him," I said.

"In answer to your question, yes," Oliver said. "I think she does, and we can be the ones to give that to her."

"She"s on birth control," Toby said.

"I can deal with that," Oliver said. "All we need to do is keep doing what you"re doing. Fuck her. Cum inside her. I"m sure between the three of us, we can give her what she needs."

"Are we going to ask her?" Toby asked.

"Do we need to?" Oliver shrugged. "We know what she wants and needs. As far as I"m concerned, it"s our job to make sure she gets that. A child will tie her to all three of us. She already belongs to us, this will just cement that."

I swallowed. Should I have found the idea of getting her pregnant without her clear consent appealing? Probably not, but I did. I wanted to be the one to put my baby inside her. From the look on Toby"s face, he wanted to be him. Oliver too, obviously, since it was his idea. Apparently two adult daughters wasn"t enough.

"I"m in," I said softly.

"Me too," Toby said. "Let"s go ahead and make our woman"s dreams come true. Even if she doesn"t know they"re her dreams yet."

"Good." Oliver sat back. "Between the three of us, we"ll give her everything she needs." A small smile crept onto his face. "I can"t wait to see her belly start to swell with our child."

Neither could I. My cock was already ready.