Chapter 8: Scarlet

8

SCARLET

T he ride home had been uneventful, and I'd actually drifted off, my painkillers making me sleepy now that the adrenaline had waned. I'd wanted to walk myself upstairs, but Cristian had kept one arm around my waist for the elevator ride up, while Julian had pressed into me on the other side. Even Tyrone kept giving me strange looks, his face emotionless, but a haunting look in his eye.

Now, I stood in the bathroom, inspecting the bump on my head and taking in my appearance. I needed a shower, my hair was disheveled, I still had slight blood staining around the edges of my mouth, and there was blood on my shirt from Cristian.

"We survived," I whispered to my reflection, still shell-shocked as I started to strip down. It was like I was in a daze until the hot water washed over me, and tears welled in my eyes.

I slid down to the floor of the shower, closing my eyes as I sobbed, the entire episode of events finally hitting me hard .

I'd never expected my life to wind up like this. To get shot at, have my life on the line, get attacked and witness so many deaths.

I covered my mouth, muffling my sobs as my body trembled, the warm water doing little to lift the ice settling over my heart.

If it weren't for the brothers…

No. If it weren't for them, I wouldn't have been in that mess to begin with. Sure, I might've been in prison, but that was likely a hell of a lot safer than this mess.

I just wanted to go to Noms, to curl up on the bed beside her as we hugged and promised to be there for each other like always.

I just wanted the unconditional love and support I'd only ever found from her.

And Kenny. God, I wanted to cuddle that cat like my life depended on it. Hell, he was the reason I was alive right now.

I opened my eyes as the bathroom door creaking reached my ears.

"Go away," I said as I hugged my legs to my body.

I stared up as Cristian stepped into view before the shower.

He didn't say a word as he stepped into the shower, still wearing his pants but no shirt still. He sat down beside me, wrapping one arm around my shoulders as another sob bubbled up my throat.

I didn't want him seeing my weakness, and whatever the hell had happened between us, the entire shift with the whole Russo thing, I was still wrapping my head around it.

"It's scary sometimes, this life," he said, his voice muffled by the warm water washing over my head.

"You didn't seem scared," I said quietly, although I was leaning into him now. I couldn't help it, despite everything, I did feel strangely safe with him, which was beyond fucked up.

"I'm messed up, we know that," he said with a soft chuckle.

I snorted and closed my eyes once more.

"But you've known a lot of pain and hurt, haven't you, kitten?" His arm tightened around my shoulders, and I swallowed down the lump in my throat as more tears trickled free.

"We've all been hurt in life," I muttered.

"You lost a child, she was murdered."

Of course Julian had spilled my secret, the one I'd told him when I thought I wasn't going to make it. Why would he have gone and shared that? My biggest heartbreak and pain?

I didn't say a word as I sniffled, too spent and now becoming numb once more. I wanted to curl up in a ball and never wake up in all honesty. To just sleep forever.

"I know what that's like to some extent," he said quietly, and I frowned as I looked up at him.

I searched his face, taking in his set jaw and the sadness in those dark eyes as he held me close.

He smiled sadly, his gaze flicking to me before darting away, like it wasn't something he could talk about while looking at me.

"Tessa was pregnant. We were excited, and at thirteen weeks, we found out it was a little boy. I was going to have a son," Cristian said as he sucked in a deep breath.

Why was he telling me this?

"I wanted to be a good father, to teach him to be better than I was. Seeing that scan, seeing my son on that screen, I can't tell you how thrilled I was." A smile toyed at his lips, but it vanished as he swallowed and glanced at his hands. "We had a fight the next day. Something stupid. It always was. She was a schizophrenic, and it was recommended she go off her meds for the pregnancy, but it wasn't going well. I tried to be understanding, but she was always siding with her voices. I told her we needed to look into other meds, something that would help her while she was pregnant, and she was having none of it. I never should have let her out of my sight, but Ty called, something big had gone down with the Russos back then, and when I got off the phone, she was gone." He was staring hard at his hands, his brow creased like he was reliving it. "I called her to no avail, near went mad trying to find her until I ended up tracking her phone. I took some guys and we picked her up, and she was gleeful, wouldn't tell me until we got back to the old apartment." He swallowed, finally letting his hands fall down as he closed his eyes and leaned back, the water cascading down his face. His hair fell into his face, and his jaw ticked.

"What happened?" I asked softly as I rested my chin on his shoulder.

"She said I should've loved her more, been more understanding. Fuck, I tried so hard. She wanted me to prove my love more, but I'd done so much already, I have no idea what she wanted from me," he said, and his voice faltered before he cleared his throat, his shoulders stiffening. "She got our son surgically aborted out of spite. Because the voices told her to, because I wasn't loving her good enough."

My heart broke as he clenched his teeth, glaring hard across the shower. His eyes glittered, but it was hard to tell with the water running down his face.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered as I held onto his arm, not knowing how to ease his pain. So he'd felt a similar pain to mine, the loss of a child at someone else's hands.

"Yeah, well, it wasn't like I ever got to hold him, I never had the chance, and I'm sure that would've hurt a hell of a lot more, so I'm sorry, Scar," he said as his hand covered mine on his arm, those dark eyes finally meeting mine.

The sincerity and sympathy in those depths made my throat tighten, and I managed a thin-lipped smile at him.

"Anyway, it caused a huge rift, but of course, maybe because my head is so fucked, I still loved her. She accepted all of me, all my issues and chaos, so I wanted to work on it, try to repair it. But of course, we had another fight. Always the same, I wasn't showering her with enough love or something, no matter how hard I tried, the things I did, the stuff I bought. It was never enough." His gaze drifted away again. "She was prone to threatening her life to try to get me to do things. I always stopped her, did everything she wanted, but after she'd killed our son, I was broken. I'd given her everything I could, let her hit me, sure, I'm no saint either, we were both fucked up people, but I thought it made us a good match." He let out a heavy sigh as I squeezed his arm, wondering just what had happened. Had she taken her life? She'd died, so something had happened.

"I woke up that night after a huge fight, and she had a knife to my throat, said I was nothing to her. That I deserved nothing. I deserved to have my child taken from me, and I didn't deserve her or her love. The absolute hatred in her eyes, the woman who had said she loved me…" He ground his teeth together, and I squeezed his hand, causing him to look at me again. "I threw her off, said she needed help, that she was struggling. She screamed at me, said she thought that was what I loved about her, her chaos and wickedness, but I said even for me, it was too much. I did love her, but this was breaking me. I left her in the room, told her I needed a drink, and went and poured myself a whiskey. I expected her to follow me and throw things, attack me like usual or something," he scoffed as he shook his head and pulled his legs up in front of him. I recognized the need to curl in on yourself when a memory was causing you too much pain and anguish, and I held his hand tighter.

"I finished my glass as I looked out over this city, and had this sinking feeling." His face twisted as he swallowed, holding my hand just as tight. "I went back in there, and she'd locked herself in the bathroom. I could hear water running. I tried to call out to her, but she wasn't answering. So I broke the door down. It's why we have universal locks and keys now," he said as he closed his eyes, his voice cracking. I could see it now, even with the water running, the tears that were escaping. "I found her in the bathtub, she'd slit her wrists and thighs. God, it was so deep, there was so much blood, the bath water was so red." A small sob crept up his throat, and he bared his teeth as he forced out a shaky breath, his face hardening as he kept his eyes squeezed shut.

"I couldn't save her. She was gone. I lost everything in just a few weeks. The woman who was my life, and our son. She was the only one… the only one to love me despite everything, she never judged me for the way I was, she loved it, embraced it. And she left me, abandoned me, stole our child…" Another gut-wrenching sob left him, and I couldn't help it as I moved closer and hugged him properly, not caring that I was naked. With everything we'd done, it was not important, and not when he was revealing something so dark and painful to me. Whatever issues we had, I'd set them aside right now. We all deserved humanity and sympathy in our darkest moments.

He wrapped his arms around me as I hugged him, drawing in a shaky breath as the warm water drenched us.

"I still both love and hate her. It's messed up," he mumbled against my shoulder, and I held him tighter.

"We can't control who we love sometimes, we just have to love ourselves too," I said as we held one another on the shower floor. He clung to me with such tightness that my heart shattered. I'd thought he was a crazy psycho, but in a way, he was just broken, struggling to hold himself together.

I knew exactly how that was.