Chapter 11

I had been missing Psalm’s company so much that I’d let him convince me to show up on my day off. It was bittersweet that Bishop’s mean ass was now awake. I prayed over him every single morning and still damn near fell out when I walked into the room to find his eyes open.

Things were so different now. He was kind but not nice. I guess the brothers had that in common, because nice was absolutely not the word I would associate with Psalm. Well, that was until I got to know him. I was terrified about how things would progress for us now that I wasn’t going to be around much longer.

I was actively searching for another job. I knew it was only a matter of time before Bishop would no longer need my services. It was a good thing. A nurse’s biggest accomplishment was when one of her patients got better.

I couldn’t lie. I was interested in seeing how Psalm interacted with me now that his brother was awake, and we weren’t forced to be around each other for hours on end. Now I only spent a couple of hours there at the most. Still, I wanted to see Psalm as much as possible. He made me feel special, but I wasn’t going to read too much into our situation just because we had sex. Sex didn’t always have to mean something.

Lourdess stood out front on the phone when I got out of my car. Walking over, she greeted me with a smile. “Hey, girl. I didn’t think you had to come in today.”

“I don’t. I’m meeting Psalm.”

“Oh, OK.”

“I’m actually looking for another job. I know you can handle things with Bishop from here. I don’t want to continue to step on your toes.”

“Girl, I’m really the one who’s stepping on your toes. You’re the nurse.”

“I always knew this job was temporary.”

“Well, me and Bishop agreed that you need to stay as long as you can. He likes seeing you and Psalm together, even if y’all think you’re sneaking around. I had no idea, but Bishop told me his brother is crazy about you. I don’t think Psalm told him that out of his own mouth. He just knows. Bishop knows everything, girl.”

“Wow.” I shook my head.

“If you quit because I’m helping take care of Bishop now, Psalm will probably kill us both.” She laughed.

I didn’t have a chance to respond before Psalm walked outside. He was so sexy in a black V-neck and black jeans. My heart fluttered as he bounded down the steps and walked over to me. Lourdess didn’t say another word as she excused herself back into the house.

“You ready?” he asked, reaching for my hand.

“Sure.”

When I slipped my hand into his, he squeezed it gently as he led the way to the back of the house.

“Anya, meet Onyx. Onyx, this is my friend Anya,” Psalm said, looking back at me as he made the introductions.

I burst out laughing from the combination of his absolute cuteness and the big black horse that stood next to the fence with a saddle on its back.

“Hi, gorgeous.” I spoke to the horse.

“Onyx is going to let us ride him today,” he revealed as he rubbed the top of the horse’s head.

“Psalm, I’m not getting on that horse.”

“You are, and you’re going to enjoy it. I won’t let anything happen to you. I promise.”

“You can’t control a wild animal.”

“The mean lady didn’t mean that, OK, Onyx. He’s not a wild animal. He’s very well trained. Bishop has had him since he was a colt. I’ve ridden him numerous times.”

“How do you know today isn’t the day that he’ll decide he’s done giving rides and tosses you ten feet in the air?”

“Because we already discussed it, and he agreed that it was best not to piss you off when you’re hungry.”

“Wow.” I shook my head.

“Let me help you on.” He extended his hand to me as if I had already agreed.

Taking his hand, I used the step to allow him to help me up. Once I was secured in place, he climbed on behind me. I yelped when the horse started moving. Thankfully, he didn’t take off running. The horse walked at a slow trot, and after a couple of minutes, I started to relax. I rested my back against Psalm’s chest as he held the reins and guided the horse. He smelled so good that I turned my head slightly to inhale his scent more.

“I never took you for a horseback rider.”

“I’m not, but I do it from time to time. I figured you would like it.”

“Thank you. It’s actually not that bad. I think that’s just because Onyx is such a good boy,” I said, rubbing Onyx’s pretty, black mane.

Instead of responding, Psalm kissed the side of my head. The sensor obviously flashed to let Graham know I was having a good time because right on cue, my phone rang. I knew I was going to need to change my number soon.

At first, I thought we could keep things cordial. So far, almost every conversation we had was counterproductive. Enough was more than enough. As far as I was concerned, there was nothing left to fight for. I wasn’t interested in arguing or therapy. I just wanted out. Graham and I might not have seen eye to eye on getting a divorce, but I was moving on whether he liked it or not.

“Psalm!” I threw my head back laughing as we walked up to a huge tree with a classic red and white blanket spread under it. A wicker basket sat on top of the blanket along with some pillows.

“It’s lunchtime, right?” he asked, getting the horse to stop next to the tree.

“It is. I can’t believe you set up a picnic.”

“Believe it, Ny.” He laughed as he climbed off the horse.

“Don’t leave me up here.”

“I thought you liked him,” Psalm teased, looking over his shoulder as he draped the rope that hung around the horse’s neck to a low hanging branch.

“I do, but that doesn’t mean I want to stay on him by myself. He trusts you.”

“Do you trust me?” he asked, raising his eyebrows.

“Obviously, I do. I let you trick me onto a horse.”

“That’s not a yes or no, Ny. Do you trust me?”

“Yes, Psalm.”

“Well, stop fussing and swing your legs over to one side. I’ll help you down.”

“You gotta hold him still.”

“He’s tied up. He knows not to move.”

“That little string is not going to keep this big ass horse still.”

“He doesn’t know that. Trust me, Ny. I got you.”

I followed Psalm’s instructions and threw my legs over onto the side that he was standing on. I giggled nervously as he caught me around my waist and helped me down. When my feet touched the ground, I looked up into Psalm’s piercing black eyes and smiled. Before I got lost in his hypnotizing gaze, he kissed my lips and nearly sent me to my knees.

“Thank you for this, Psalm. You know I don’t mind eating,” I said, rewarding him with a warm smile.

“You don’t even know what we’re having.”

“It doesn’t matter. It’s the thought that counts.”

“That’s what they say.”

Psalm helped me to sit down on one of the pillows before joining me on the blanket. I was right to thank Psalm. Because as if he had asked me what my favorites were, that insulated tote contained plates already prepared with ribs, baked beans, and Hawaiian rolls. In another section, there was potato salad, bottles of water, and cold vanilla Cokes.

I’d noticed that there was a never-ending supply of vanilla Cokes in the refrigerator since I made that grocery list. I didn’t consider how much he’d paid attention to me until I thought back to finding powdered donuts and Smartfood popcorn on hand after I showed up two days in a row with them.

The first meal I made at the house was ribs, baked beans, and green beans. I considered how many times I’d repeated the same thing to Graham over the years, yet he still brought me Dr. Pepper instead of Coca Cola when I asked for a soda. This man was learning what I liked in a short period of time because he actually cared. If Psalm was trying to impress me, he was doing a damn good job.

“Wanna talk about it?”

“I was just thinking about how sweet all of this is.”

“I’m talking about why you tense up every time that phone rings,” he clarified.

“Well, I already told you I’m going through a divorce. Instead of signing the papers and going on to do as he pleases, my ex wants to keep me under his control.”

“He’s not violent, is he?”

“No, Graham’s not like that. He likes to have his way, but he’s never hurt me or even threatened to do anything to me.”

“I’m just asking because two nails in your tires, a constantly ringing phone, and an ex that won’t let go don’t sound like a good combination.”

“I understand if you think I’m too much trouble. I know I would stay away if I were you.” I shrugged casually as if a lump weren’t forming in my throat.

“I’m not scared. I’m just asking what I’m getting into.”

“You don’t have to worry about me. You already have enough on your plate.”

“I wanna add you to that plate, literally and figuratively,” Psalm said before biting into one of his ribs.

The food was so good that for a few minutes, we ate in silence. I saw Deana’s etched on the lid of the containers, so I knew Psalm hadn’t prepared the food. That didn’t matter. I just knew I was going to have to visit soon for another meal. Once I was done eating, I broke the silence. Since Psalm wanted to know what he was getting into, I decided to tell him more about my situation with Graham.

“Graham has never been violent with me, but he’s manipulative and selfish. He’ll do whatever it takes to get his way. Lately he’s been trying to play the good guy role. He’s used to getting me to fold after he acts all sweet and caring for a while. This time, I’m standing my ground, and he doesn’t like it. I think he’s messing with me and trying to get me to come running back home.”

“How so?”

“Well, aside from the two mysterious flat tires and his constant calls, I keep getting an eerie feeling like someone is watching me. I know that sounds crazy. I used to run out of gas all the time, so I started making sure to get gas as soon as my gas hand gets close to the quarter mark. One night, I met him for dinner and came out and my car wouldn’t crank. Miraculously, he had a gas can on the back of his truck. Then one morning when I got up, my tank was on empty again. I had just enough gas to make it to the gas station before almost turning off at the pump. I don’t think he will do anything to hurt me. I think he’s trying to give me the perception that I need him. He used to call me absentminded. We made a whole joke of it and everything. For a while, though, I’ve been intentional about paying attention to my surroundings. I make sure I have gas. I check my purse for my wallet and keys before leaving the house. He wants me constantly calling him for his help. That used to be me, but he was away so much that I really couldn’t depend on him. I had to get my act together.”

“How long have you been married?”

“Six years. I was broke as hell, trying to finish up nursing school when I met Graham. He was a savior. He came in and picked up the slack when I was so distracted with my clinicals and studying that I started running out of gas and going grocery shopping without any cards or money on me. One time, the electricity got shut off at my apartment, not only because I was broke, but I lost track of my bills. I would have gotten a loan from my parents if I realized that I was so far behind. I was a mess. Graham made it to where I didn’t have to worry about anything but school. After I graduated from nursing school, we got married.”

“Sounds like the beginning of a fairy tale to me.”

“Right? Boy saves girl from absentmindedly self-destructing or whatever was happening to me. I was a damsel in distress, and he swooped in and saved me. For a while, we were perfect together. It seemed like the more I depended on him, the more he pulled away. I can understand where it was probably stressful. He started to complain about how careless I was after the second time I locked myself out of the house. I started to feel like a dependent, even though I helped with the bills. I called him before I made every decision. I felt like it was just because we were such good friends, and he had my best interest in mind. When he would go on the road for four or even six weeks at a time, I would go days without talking to him. Not because I wasn’t calling, but it was because he wasn’t picking up. He claimed that he was so tired after being on sight in the heat all day. Of course, I felt like he was cheating, but most of all, I realized how codependent our relationship was. I didn’t choose a dentist one time because I was waiting to hear which one he thought was best. Like what makes him an expert on dentists?” I laughed.

“I understand trusting someone else’s opinion, Anya. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“Right. Over the past year, I started working on getting a life. Me and my friend Charlotte make sure that we meet once a month outside of work to catch up. I stopped calling him nonstop and started figuring out things on my own. You know what I figured out?”

“What’s that?”

“I’m happier when I’m alone. Like, my life was more peaceful when Graham was on the road and not telling me every move to make. When I started being more independent, he didn’t like it. He felt like there was someone else. We started fighting, but then we would make up. In the midst of breaking up and making up, I found out I was pregnant.”

“Damn.”

“I know, right. I thought it was a sign to fight for our love. Then I lost the baby. Is that supposed to be a sign too? I have no idea what to think. I just know that I’m tired of the rollercoaster. I want to be free.”

“Does he know where you live?”

“Not so far. Nothing happens when I’m at home. Everything occurs when I’m out somewhere. I think he’s messing with me and trying to scare me into coming back to him.”

“You want me to install cameras on your car? At least then you will know if someone is bothering it.”

“No. This isn’t your problem. I just needed to vent.”

We chatted about my experiences as a trauma nurse and how different yet peaceful it had been since I’d been doing home health. Psalm couldn’t believe it when I told him I loved my old job aside from dealing with Michael.

After we finished eating, I wasn’t ready to go back, so Psalm talked to me about ideas for expanding his gaming business and creating a virtual reality game. My stomach was full as I lay in his lap, listening to him discuss his hopes and dreams and asking me about mine.

When he got to the topic of his late aunt, I could hear the change in his tone. He really loved his aunt. She’d treated him and his brothers as if they were her own sons. Her sudden death had taken its toll on his family. I could tell Psalm was holding it together to be strong for everyone else. His main focus was Bishop’s health.

“I’m used to doing my own thing while Delilah put Bishop or one of her boys in charge of shit. Now me and Syre have basically had to step up and hold it in the road. I never imagined that I would miss being bossed around until the bossiest people to ever walk the face of the earth were no longer in my ear,” he joked.

“I know it must be hard on you. I can tell how close your family is.”

“Yeah. They get on my damn nerves sometimes, but we’re all we got. You got siblings?”

“I have a sister in Virginia. Her husband is in the military, so they move around a little bit. We’re close. We just don’t get to see each other as much as we used to.”

“Y’all were married six years. Did you and Graham ever talk about having kids? I mean, when things were good.”

“I mentioned that I recently had a miscarriage. It was just a few months ago. It was one of a few in the past couple of years. It’s hard every time, but to find out that him being unfaithful might have contributed to the loss was the final nail in the coffin. It didn’t even matter that he was cold and callous about the whole thing. I was done with him either way. Still, I find it hard to forgive him for not even attempting to be there for me in the aftermath. He basically said this isn’t the first time that this has happened, so pull it together and get over the idea of being a mom.”

“Wow. Yeah, that was cold. I’m sorry you had to go through that.”

“I don’t think I can have kids.” Tears pricked my eyes at the memory of the pain and at the possibility of never being a mother.

“Have you gone to a fertility specialist?”

“No. What’s the use? I’ve come to terms with it in light of my divorce. It’s hard, but I’m accepting it. As a matter of fact, this is the first time I’ve said it out loud.”

“I can imagine it’s a hard pill to swallow. That’s why I’m so disgusted by him not supporting you when you needed him. Men sometimes don’t understand the feeling of wholeness that comes with being a mother. Not that bearing children is all women are good for, but it’s human nature. Losing an unborn child is no less impactful than any other loss. You deserved to be loved on and supported in your loss, and I’m sorry that he couldn’t see that.”

“Thank you. That lingering pain and helplessness is the reason why I am accepting that motherhood might not be in the cards for me. I’m tired of my heart being broken over and over. I just want to move on.”

“You have every right to feel that way. A woman’s value doesn’t decline due to her inability to bear children. You’re so much more than incubators for future generations. I hope you can come to terms with that as well. I see what you’re worth, Anya. Now I need you to understand your value and don’t give discounts just because you’re used to somebody.”

“Noted.” I smiled as I rolled off Psalm’s lap and onto my stomach next to him. He repositioned himself until he was lying on his side. I placed my hands one on top of the other and rested my cheek on them. I turned my head so that I wasn’t looking into his dreamy eyes as I processed the question I wanted to ask. When I felt Psalm’s hand caressing my back, I closed my eyes. “Is a woman not being able to have kids a deal breaker for you?”

“Honestly, I’ve never thought about it, but I’ve never been firm on whether or not I wanted children either. I grew up in a big family, so I’m used to having a lot of people around. At the same time, I do like the peace I have in being alone.”

I nodded quietly. Those words were loaded. For a second, I considered asking him about marriage but changed my mind. That conversation would come later. I didn’t want to think too far into our situation. We were just hanging out and getting to know each other.

“Have you found another job yet?”

“No.”

“I plan to keep paying you your full-time salary until you do.”

“ You’re paying me?” I asked, turning to face him.

“Since Bishop woke up. I didn’t want you thinking you needed to find another job. It was his idea. I think he knows I like having you around.”

“You don’t have to do that, Psalm. I have a little money saved up.”

He tittered. “It’s a good thing I didn’t ask you.”

I heard the paper rustling before the folded paper landed in front of my eyes. Why did I grin so big as I pushed up on my elbows to read the note? My wide smile stretched even further as I scanned the paper.

Anya will you be my girlfriend? Circle yes or no .

“I don’t have a pen.” I blushed.

“What kind of nurse doesn’t have a pen?” Psalm asked, kissing the side of my head as he whipped out a pen and dropped it in front of me.

Quickly, and without giving myself time to overthink, I circled yes.

“Now will you stop trying to tell me how to take care of my woman?” he asked, holding up a diamond tennis necklace.