Chapter 5

Five

Kami

I don't know how I managed to sleep a wink that night, but somehow slumber found me and held me until my alarm went off at seven the next morning. Once again, I rose rested and feeling refreshed. At least until I remembered the reason I set my alarm. Then refreshed left the building and panic set in.

Why had I agreed to let Trevor show me around the wilds of Hartwood today? What on earth had I been thinking?

Flashes of the evening before invaded my brain—my hand in his, his eyes that stared into every nook and cranny of my being, my name on his lips. I'd forced myself into believing I would forever be immune to the charms of that man after I left Hartwood.

After he left me for the Navy life and after living through the way my mother destroyed our family over "soulmate love" left me cynical of all the romanticized love at first sight, instant attraction, happily ever after nonsense.

But I wish it was real.

At least I believed it at one time. That counted for something.

But I don't know how else to explain the inexplicable feeling of something inside me reaching out to Trevor as if he was the being I'd been waiting millennia to find.

I wanted to say I wouldn't fall prey to the wild emotions churning inside me, but I fear a day with him in the forest would leave me falling for him all over again.

Letting fate guide me seemed like a sure path toward disaster. I saw what it did to my mother. She found her soulmate after marrying my father and having me. It destroyed our whole family when she left us behind.

But driving around town isn't signing marriage papers.

As I tugged on a black and gray sweater, panic chiseled at my fragile attempt at calming my nerves.

Just as I thought I might start hyperventilating, my phone dinged with a text message.

I snatched it up, part of me hoping Trevor had somehow gotten my number and was texting me to tell me he had to suddenly move to Guam.

False alarm. The text was a photo from Asha—a selfie of her and Willa cuddled together on my rumpled bed. She added the message: Wish you were here!

I smiled and slowly sank to the bed, never taking my eyes off the photo. Right this second, I'd give just about anything to be right there in my mussed bed with Asha and Willa with some cowboy movie on and a bowl of popcorn in our laps.

I couldn't help but text her back: I wish I was there, too. Things are MESSY here!

Of course, I should have known better. Approximately two seconds after I hit send on that text, my phone rang. I jumped in my seat and almost dropped it before I managed to swipe my thumb over the face of it and put it to my ear.

"You didn't have to call," I said in lieu of hello.

"Of course I did. What's going on? What's messy?" Asha's voice grounded me immediately, and for the first time since I rolled out of bed my breath came almost normally.

I smiled and thought about how to explain. Really there wasn't much to tell. The reality was that I ran into an old flame who offered to help me find a wedding venue. Simple.

But it was so much more than that.

"I met a man." I winced and squeezed my eyes shut. I certainly hadn't meant to blurt that out like that.

"What?"

I could just see her spring up in my bed. I had to pull my phone away from my ear to save it from the high-pitched screech. I waited a beat before putting it back and sharing, "I…met someone. Well, someone I used to date. I'm probably making too much of it. But it doesn't feel like too much. It feels like…"

I stopped, searching for the words that would explain how I felt without making me sound like a complete ninny.

"What does it feel like?" Asha's voice came over the line in an almost reverent whisper.

"Fate," I said without thinking.

"You don't believe in fate."

I dropped my head, my hair sliding forward, creating a curtain around my face. I pressed the phone more tightly to my ear. "I didn't before now. I thought it was just an excuse people used to get away with bad behavior. But when he looks at me I see the same thing in his eyes that were there when we dated back when I lived here. Like he's meant for me and me for him." I paused. "Honestly, I thought he'd moved away years ago. I didn't expect to run into him again and now…"

"But now fate wants you to hold her beer while she takes out her magic wand and has some fun."

"Like you said, I don't believe in fate."

"But she believes in you. Besides, you're a wedding planner," Asha said. "Isn't a belief in love and fate and happily ever afters sort of a prerequisite?"

I tilted my head to the side. "Is it weird if I say no? I just like planning parties and making brides feel special on a day I know they'll remember for the rest of their lives."

An impatient sigh came through the phone. "That's got to be the most unromantic thing I've ever heard. I always figured underneath your organized, got-it-all-together exterior lurked the heart of a true romantic. You just needed the right man. Eventually."

I snorted. "Maybe at some point in my life, but not anymore. Underneath the surface of my organization skills is a pragmatist who leads from her head, not her heart."

"Well, that's no fun. When was the last time you got laid with that kind of thinking?"

"Um, I can't remember." Which was a lie. Trevor was the last time. First and last, to be exact if my battery-operated boyfriend didn't count.

"Ugh. Girl, I need to get you into clubs more often. There's this place called Club Sin I keep hearing about." The disappointment dripping from Asha's words was evident.

I couldn't help but laugh. "Sorry to disappoint you, but I don't think that is going to fix my current situation."

"Well, what about this guy then? You said he's an old friend? Love? I think there's hope for some quickie sex."

I fell back on the bed and chewed on my bottom lip as I weighed my words carefully. "What we had was a long time ago. I don't think there can be anything there."

And as I said the words, I knew they were a lie.

"Never say never." Asha teased.

"I'm just not here for that, Asha. He left me after taking my virginity. The wound still feels tender, ya know." I whispered. "And then all the crap with my mother when I was younger."

"What?" The note of teasing left Asha's voice. "What happened? Why would he just leave? And what happened with your mother? You need to talk."

"My mother left us after meeting a man that was her ‘true soulmate'. As to why Trevor left me, he was scared of settling down and providing a life for me. He thought he needed to be better in order to be good enough for me. At least that is what his letters said."

A long silence met my words before Asha's whisper came over the line. "What are you talking about, Kami?"

I squeezed my eyes shut, put a hand to my forehead, and took the plunge. "My mom left my dad and I when I was ten. For my dad's best friend to make matters worse. She said she couldn't help it. They were fated to be together and she had no choice but to be with him."

"I can see why you don't believe in fate and soulmate talk. But, Kami, why didn't you ever tell me?"

I shrugged and pulled in a shuddering breath. "I know I'm not the easiest person in the world to deal with. I figured if I loaded you up with all my baggage at once, you might head for the hills. And I couldn't stand the thought of not having you in my life."

"Kami Mackenzie!"

My eyes popped open at Asha's obvious anger. Crap. Was I right? Was all of this too much for her to handle?

"I can't believe you think there's anything— anything —you can't tell me. I love you. You're my best friend and..."

Relief flooded my chest. "I love you, too," I said quietly, interrupting her tirade.

"I know that!"

I laughed at her annoyed tone, so relieved, I was almost giddy. "Are you too annoyed to listen to the rest of the story? And the dirt on the guy?"

That calmed her right down. "I will never be too annoyed to get the dirt on a guy. Especially a guy who made your life messy in less than twenty-four hours and has you spilling your guts to me."

"Wow, has it only been twenty-four hours?"

"Yes, now spill," she said impatiently.

So I did. I told her about how my mother wanted to share custody of me, but my dad argued with her about it the day she left. She'd brought her boyfriend, his one-time best friend with her and a fight broke out.

I'd been ten years old and spying from behind the kitchen doorway. I watched in terror when the man had hit my father.

After that, there was no use discussing custody. There was no way I'd set foot in a home she shared with that beast.

"But it sounds like he was protecting your mother," Asha said. "I don't mean to sound like I am on the side of your mom's new man. I'm just saying it how I see it. It's what a soulmate would do. Step into the fire for the one they love."

I sighed. "I've wondered that over the last few years. But as far as my ten-year-old self was concerned, my mom ran off with a monster worse than anything my imagination could conjure. Which made me feel like love was fake. And then I met Trevor. I thought I must have been wrong about fate and love. Then he left."

"Oh, honey. He wanted to be better for you. Love makes us do so many crazy things. Have you tried to get in touch with your mom?"

"I was so angry with her for so long." I shoved my hand through my hair, sifting through the strands. "Then my dad died, and Asha, I swear…they said he had a heart attack, but I swear he died of a broken heart. I thought I was going to die after Trevor left, too."

"Sweetie, I'm so sorry. How old were you when your dad died?"

"Sixteen."

She gasped. "So did you end up going to live with your mother after that?"

"No, after my dad died, I blamed her. I didn't want to be around her new husband and my aunt, my dad's sister, offered to help me."

My aunt took me in to get back at my mother. She blamed her for my father's death, too, and if I was being honest, she helped keep my anger alive much longer than I should have let it fester.

"So what about now? It sounds like maybe you're ready to forgive your mom…?"

"Her husband sent me a letter when I was sixteen. My mom died."

"Oh, no! No wonder why you never wanted to talk about your childhood. Why didn't I make you tell me all this sooner?"

Laughter bubbled up inside me. "Only you would find out I've been keeping secrets from you for years and end up blaming yourself."

"Oh, sweetie, I don't blame you. That's the kind of thing you only talk about when you're ready."

"Have I mentioned that I love you?"

"You might have brought it up once or twice. But don't change the subject."

"What subject? That's everything I've been keeping to myself."

"Uh, hello? The guy?"

"Oh, yeah. The guy . What a problem!" My stomach filled with fluttering wings at just the thought of him.

I filled in Asha on meeting Trevor in high school and the strong visceral attraction I felt to him then and still feel today apparently.

"Hate to break it to you, but it doesn't sound like much of a problem to me." I could hear the smile in her voice. "In fact, quite the opposite. We should all have problems like you have."

"Asshhaa," I whined. "That's not helpful."

"Sorry. I just don't see the problem."

"The problem is that he has some sort of weird hold on me. If I give into these feelings, I'm inviting a mess into my life."

She made an impatient clicking sound with her tongue. "First, and this is something I want you to think about, but I don't think your mom was the horrible person you thought she was. Maybe you need to find a way to forgive her. For some reason she must have been unhappy with your dad. She loved you or she wouldn't have fought to keep you in her life."

She wasn't saying anything I hadn't already considered. Looking at things from the perspective of an adult instead of a child in the middle of a trauma, I could see that my mother wasn't completely to blame for the way things turned out. I didn't think she'd ever intended to leave me.

"When my dad died and I cleaned out some of his stuff, I found letters and cards my mom sent me every week since she left," I admitted. "I didn't read them. My dad had been all I had when she left. I think I was afraid if I read those letters, I'd get angry at my father and I wasn't ready for that. But maybe when I get home…maybe it's time I got to see some of the truth from both sides."

"I think that's a good idea. But here's the other thing. Even if you were right about your mom. Even if she meant to leave you behind and never look back, that shouldn't stop you from pursuing a relationship. You seem to be forgetting a few things."

"Like what?"

"Like the fact you're not married. You aren't leaving a husband and child behind for some other man. You're one hundred percent free to follow your heart. You are not your mom and this man is not your dad."

Hope and fear tied themselves into knots in my stomach at her words. She wasn't wrong. All of it was true. Pursuing someone who made me feel also gave that person the same potential to hurt me all over again.

But admitting that meant that I had no excuse not to leave myself vulnerable to Trevor.

"You're forgetting something else," Asha said.

"What's that?"

"He's older now. Wiser. So are you." She paused for several long seconds.

"You're right."

"So there you go. You're single, you're not a parent, and Trevor seems to make you feel the same way today that he did in the past. I say go for it!"

I laughed. "Of course you do."

Her words made sense. My circumstances were not the same as my mother's. I was free to follow my heart without putting anyone at risk but myself.

"So when are you going to see him again?" Asha asked.

I pulled the phone from my ear and checked the time. "Oh my God! He'll be here in fifteen minutes. I have to go!"

Asha's laughter came over the line. "Go! Get ready to see your Alaskan, plaid-covered SEAL."

"How did you know he wore plaid?"

"Easy. That's part of the 101 mountain man how-to."

Humor and gratitude coursed through me at her words. I was going to do this. "I'm going. Thank you, Asha. I don't know what I'd do without you."

"I love you, too, no go."

I couldn't quite believe it. I was getting ready to spend the day with a man who made me feel completely out of control. And I liked it. I might be more nervous than I'd ever been in my life, but even that felt good. I couldn't wait to see what the day brought with it.