Chapter 7

SEVEN

ZANE

It’s a little-known fact that bears can end up in some tricky situations. Their relentless pursuit of honey sometimes results in a sticky mess. But bears never get hung up on these awkward moments. They know a little embarrassment is worthwhile when they end up with something sweet.

—Bear Facts for Insomniacs, Episode 11

I felt much better after a nap, and Gran’s big Sunday supper was exactly as amazing as I’d anticipated. The long dining table sagged under the weight of all my favorite dishes, and the sounds of friends and family happily chatting around the table reminded me of countless Sunday suppers when I was growing up.

Not everyone from the brotherhood was able to make it to Barlo, but Landry, Silas, Way, Dev, and Tully showed up that evening for the meal and joined us around the fire pit afterward.

Camp chairs and string lights were scattered around the large patio, and Uncle Bart had lit a circle of tiki torches all around to provide extra light.

Sure enough, Coot showed up and asked me to join him in playing some favorites out by the fire. I grabbed my acoustic guitar from where someone had stashed it in my room with the rest of my personal bags and took a seat on one of the cut tree stumps in the center of the group.

Pearl’s friend had brought her harmonica, an old friend from high school had brought his elementary recorder and could actually play the damned thing, and there turned out to be several good vocalists among the group. All of them joined in when they wanted to, and we had ourselves a good old-fashioned jam session.

Bear—who, I’d noted with satisfaction, had eaten at least two helpings of cheesy grits and a huge plate of peach cobbler—reminded me to keep drinking water between songs and sent Boomer to bring me a fresh bottle. But even with all of that effort, the smoke eventually caused me to stop singing for a bit. I enjoyed having downtime to ask Dev and Tully about their new house in Majestic and how things were going with their daughter.

People wandered in and out of the house for bathroom visits and to grab a fresh bottle of beer or soda. Old stories from high school resurfaced, and people shared what they’d been up to more recently. More than once, someone asked me to invest in their business endeavors or give them some kind of access to my time, but my closest friends used old tried-and-true distraction methods if I started looking uncomfortable.

I’d gotten used to giving polite refusals, but it still took a lot out of me. I hated letting people down, especially people who’d been important to me at one time.

So I did what I always did and tried to make it up to them by being present with them in the moment and creating a good memory we could share. And maybe that’s why later, when everyone except my brotherhood, my closest cousins, and a couple of their friends had left, I ended up sharing more than I should have .

“I’ll bet you get so much ass,” JK said with a laugh after taking a swig of his millionth beer.

I felt my face heat even more than what the fire had already accomplished. Thank god the older generation had already gone to bed. “No, actually. I don’t,” I said truthfully. I didn’t want to pretend to be someone I wasn’t around my own family.

Pearl’s friend Grace, the one who played killer harmonica and had stayed later to ask me to sign it, looked disbelieving. “I’ve read about you online. You’ve hooked up with tons of guys. I heard you and Isaiah Harbin were a thing for a while?—”

I frowned. “Who?”

“Football player,” Way explained. “One of the few out gay players in the NFL.”

“Ah.” I shook my head. “Sorry. Never met the man. Definitely not ‘a thing.’”

Grace shrugged. “I bet the scheduling would’ve been a nightmare anyway. And there are plenty of other fish in the sea. Speaking of which, my friend Jay from work is frantically checking Grindr all weekend in case you get on it.”

I felt Silas’s eyes on me. He and the others were fiercely protective, and I knew he’d step in and take over if I was too uncomfortable to speak. I shook my head again. “He can stop checking. I don’t, uh… I don’t use Grindr.”

Pearl was the only one of my cousins who seemed to take me seriously. She frowned and asked why not.

I shrugged and let out a nervous laugh. “My old publicist warned me never to put myself in a situation where I could accidentally wind up in a sex tape scandal. She told me horror stories about hidden cameras and stuff like that. So I don’t, uh… do the kind of stuff that would land me in a sex scandal.”

Landry muttered, “Noelle was good for one thing, I guess.”

Silas reached over and clinked Solo cups with him.

“Sure,” JK said, rolling his eyes. “You’re the hottest rock star on the planet right now next to Taylor Swift, and you’re not out there fucking roadies? No freaking way that’s true.”

“I swear,” I insisted before trying to laugh it off with a joke. “Believe me, I’ve thought about it. But I also don’t want people I’ve hooked up with posting online about me about my scrawny body and how shit I am at sex.”

Bear shifted behind me, but Grace distracted me with another question before I could think too much about it. “But you have a reputation for hookups.”

“Hookups can include heavy make-out sessions,” I reminded her. “I’m not saying I’ve never messed around with a guy. I just don’t… get naked, basically. With other people.”

Pearl blinked at me. “You… don’t have sex? Like… you’ve never had sex, or you have to really know and trust a guy before you do?”

I ground my back teeth together while I tried to figure out how honest to be. “I told you, I never put myself in a situation where someone could film me having sex.”

Now, JK looked confused. “So, who’ve you had sex with?”

I inhaled slowly through my nose and decided to be honest. There were impressionable people here, including Grace’s younger brother, who I’d caught blushing at me and my gay friends several times from across the fire. “No one. And if you tell that to the media or post it online, I will say I’ve never met you in my life, and I will absolutely sue you until you’re dead-ass broke and begging me to stop.”

Impressionable teens were one thing. Messing with my reputation and causing a public relations situation was another.

Landry sat up straighter. “And I’ll hire someone to beat the shit out of you because I’m not that nice.”

JK’s jaw dropped open. “No one? Bro. We need to get you laid. You can do it at my place. There’s no cameras or nothin’.”

I could only imagine the state of JK and his roommate’s bachelor apartment at the edge of town. “Um, no, thanks.”

Pearl smacked him on the chest. “With who? You think he’s suddenly going to give it up for the one good-looking gay guy in Barlo?” She glanced at Grace’s brother. “No offense, Hayden, but you’re jailbait.”

“N-no,” the poor kid stammered. “I-I didn’t say anything. H-he… I…”

I mouthed the word sorry at him, but it only made him blush harder and mutter something about the heat and smoke from the fire.

I tried to change the subject. “Can we stop talking about my sex life, please?”

JK wasn’t ready to let it go. He jabbed a thumb over his shoulder at Landry. “What about these guys? Your friends from Yale? Surely you all…”

“Ew,” Silas said, exaggerating.

“Hook up with these guys? Nooo.” Landry pretended to gag before flicking his hair over his shoulder. “They’re all leg-shackled now. Monogamous as fuck, like the straights. Besides, hookups are a surefire way to complicate a… a friendship.”

I looked at Landry curiously. He spoke like he knew this from experience, and by process of elimination, there was only one person he could be talking about. More than once over the past couple of years, he’d let something slip that made me think he and Kenji had slept together, but I’d never asked either of them directly. Kenji wouldn’t answer, and Landry would only turn it into a joke. Besides, it was infamous among the brotherhood that Landry annoyed the fuck out of Kenji.

But then again, I’d worked hard to hide my crush on Bear, and all that strong emotion Kenji displayed might be less about dislike and more about fighting an inconvenient attraction.

“Okay, but… why not just do it once?” Grace said, turning toward Landry. “You’re both single. You could pop his cherry, right?”

Landry squinted at me as if assessing the possibility.

I glared at him. “You wish.”

He shrugged. “I mean, I’d do ya. And JK so generously offered us a camera-free zone, which sounds romantic as all heckity.”

“Don’t fake a Southern accent,” I said with a laugh. “You’ll make someone choke on their beer.”

Landry winked at me. Pearl sighed. “The more I think about it, the more I think it’s kind of nice. You’re saving yourself for someone special.”

I barked out a laugh. “I’m definitely not. I’d have sex tomorrow if I could ensure it wouldn’t end up on the internet.”

Landry made a big production about looking at his watch. “I do have some free time in the morning.”

I felt more than heard Bear shift his weight behind me again. Suddenly, I felt light-headed and vaguely sick. Ryan Galloway—my Bear—the man I had a secret and all-consuming crush on, had just found out my most embarrassing secret.

I was a world-famous rock star.

And a complete and total virgin.

I felt my eyes drift closed as I tried to decide whether to take off running and attempt to lose myself in the scraggly woods at the end of Gran’s street.

Landry must have caught the look on my face because he turned to Pearl. “You said there was one good-looking gay guy in Barlo. Were you talking about me, or do I need to get someone’s number? Because, like I said, I do have a few hours free in the morning…”

Silas immediately began giving him hell for his playboy ways and rolled right into a story from Yale about the time Landry had decided to try being straight for a month.

“It was Lent,” Landry said with a sniff. “You’re supposed to give up something good.”

“You’re not Catholic,” Silas pointed out.

I tried to let my embarrassing moment go, but I couldn’t. My entire face prickled as I tried not to make eye contact with anyone. Revealing personal information wasn’t something I was used to doing without careful consideration, but I didn’t want my cousins to have a false impression of me and think my life was a stereotypical rock star bang-fest. I worked my ass off, and I spent more time worrying about getting a full eight hours of sleep and staying hydrated than I did trying to get laid.

After a few more minutes and more topic changes, I took the opportunity to go into the house to use the bathroom. I ignored Bear as he trailed me silently. When I came out of the hall bathroom, I was surprised to see Grace’s little brother waiting outside.

“It’s all yours,” I said, gesturing toward the powder room door.

“No, I… I was wondering if… I could ask you a question about… what you talked about earlier.”

This guy was a high schooler, which made me leery. I was glad Bear was here so I wasn’t alone with the kid. “What’s your question?”

“Yeah, so like… how did you get so good at sweeping?” He made a guitar-strumming gesture to go along with his words.

I tilted my head as my brain tried to make sense of his question. I’d thought for sure he was going to ask me about being gay. Or about being the world’s lamest virgin. But he was asking about… a guitar-picking technique?

“Uh. Sweep picking. Well… let’s see…” I tried to think back to how I learned. It seemed a million years ago. “Padge has some YouTube stuff. Search for one I think called solo? I think honestly… slowing the videos down and then just repeating. Start with your left hand first, and then bring in the pick.”

His blush continued as he stammered out a few more polite questions and then thanked me before going into the bathroom.

I took a deep breath and pointed myself back in the direction of the patio door to rejoin everyone by the fire.

Bear did what he always did and followed me silently, remaining in my blind spot so I didn’t even catch sight of him out of the corner of my eye.

When I took my seat again by the fire, my cousins rattled off all the plans they had for taking me into town the next day to see and be seen. I knew I would enjoy seeing everyone and visiting some of my old haunts and some of the newer places that had cropped up with the infusion of investment capital that I’d helped bring in, but right now, I was bone-tired.

“I think I’m going to head in so I’ll be fresh for our big day tomorrow,” I said after a while, standing and wriggling my fingers in a little wave. “See you all in the morning.”

I heard Bear murmur an update to Lou and Boomer into his earpiece as he followed me into the house and up to my room. Thankfully, there was a guest room across the hall from my bedroom that Bear would stay in. Boomer had most likely taken a long nap in it earlier and would stay up while Bear got some sleep and Lou headed to a nearby hotel.

Before I could disappear into my room, Bear handed me a fresh water bottle. “Do you want me to make you some hot lemon water for your throat?”

I blinked up at him. “Oh, ah, no? No, thanks. I just want to go to sleep.”

He started to reach out with his hand but then dropped it by his side. Then he shifted on his feet. “Did you get enough to eat?”

“Bear, I ate enough to sustain a small Viking community. Did you get enough to eat?”

His eyebrows furrowed in an incredibly bearlike, impossibly adorable way that made my heart squeeze. “Of course.”

I wanted to laugh, but I was too tired. “Good night, Bear,” I said softly.

As I turned to close the door to my bedroom, I caught one last glimpse of him watching me.

Always watching me.

I got ready for bed quickly and hoped like hell there would be no more nightmares tonight.