18

Christina

I woke up the next morning with a pounding headache. Rubbing my temples, I climbed out of bed and stumbled into my washroom. Without turning on the light, I found a bottle of pain meds inside my medicine cabinet. I tossed two into my mouth, snapped my head back, and swallowed them.

"Ow," I said, rubbing my forehead when the pain intensified.

My body ached and my head throbbed.

I felt like shit.

When I came home last night, I couldn't stop the tears from falling. Even when I'd awoken in the middle of the night, I'd discovered my pillow drenched.

I didn't understand my misery. I'd made the right decision. I kept telling myself that. If I'd stayed, it would have complicated things. And enough was going on in my life right now. I didn't need the extra pressure. I needed to take this relationship slowly. I hadn't agreed to stay the night and I shouldn't feel guilty for walking away.

And yet… my chest tightened and every muscle in my body groaned.

I fell back onto my bed and tried to sleep. Except all I could think about were Will's hands on my body and his breath on my skin.

My hand clutched the sapphire pendant at my neck and I sniffed.

Closing my eyes, I drifted back to sleep.

Hours later, I blinked at the sun streaming through my blinds. Squinting, I got up and checked the time. It was nearly noon on Saturday.

I texted my sister Donna. "How are you feeling?"

She replied right away. "Like shit. You?"

I grinned. "Same."

My fingers hovered over the keys, but then I started typing. "Want some company?"

It took some time for her to reply, but when she did, I stared at the message for a few seconds. "Sure."

The meds had kicked in and my headache was better. It only hovered in the background now. I grabbed my car keys and drove to my sister's place.

Donna didn't live far from Simon's house. We all grew up in that neighborhood. My sister now rented a room in one of the triplexes down the street from where we once lived. She answered the door wearing a pair of bicycle shorts and a baggy band shirt. "Hey," she said and opened the door wider to let me in.

"Hey." I stepped inside and the stuffy basement air smelled stale. I pulled off my sweatshirt and tied it around my waist.

My sister walked into the kitchen. "Can I get you a drink?"

"Sure." I took a seat on her brown sofa. There was a stain in the middle that I tried to avoid.

Leaning into the fridge, she asked, "Well, I've got tap water or beer. Which do you want?"

"Water is fine."

She turned on the faucet and let the water run. "So, what brings you here?"

I wasn't surprised that she asked. In the fourteen years since she left me behind, I'd never been to her place.

"I'm not sure," I answered.

In a low voice, I barely heard, she said, "Well, then that makes two of us."

Then, she passed me the water.

"Thanks," I said and took a sip.

The cool water helped the dryness in my throat. "How are you feeling?" I asked when she took a seat in front of me on a rickety wooden chair.

"Still a little banged up, but I'll live."

"How about your friends?"

"Same."

I nodded.

I inhaled and exhaled slowly, looking out the window.

My sister sat and stared at me.

I wasn't sure why I'd come. I wanted to know if she'd changed her mind and decided to testify against Simon. It had nothing to do with me not wanting to stay over at Will's place.

"You're going to get a headache if you keep grinding your back teeth like that."

"I already have a headache," I said.

"See."

I rolled my eyes.

"So, how long have you been seeing Simon?" I asked, still staring out the window.

She looked out at the horizon, too. "A few months."

I sucked at my teeth. "And you preferred to live with him than with me?"

She folded her arms, and the chair creaked. "You never offered."

I snapped my head back toward her. "I wasn't referring to us now. I meant when we were kids."

She sighed. "So, that's why you came here today?"

"No," I said. My jaw clenched, and I pushed my hair away from my face. "Maybe."

"I don't have time for this shit." She stood up and went back into the kitchen.

Her walking away from me triggered something deep inside my gut. "There you go again, leaving me behind."

She threw her arms in the air. "There you go again, complaining about something I didn't do."

"What are you talking about?"

"You think Gabby hasn't reached out to me? She told me why you were so pissed at me. Said you felt abandoned or some shit like that. She thought I would feel bad or something. Well, you know what little sis, I don't. Because there was no one to feel bad for me, either."

"You were my older sister. What the hell was I supposed to do, huh?"

"I was seventeen!" she shouted. "Not even legal. They wouldn't give me custody of you, and I didn't want it. I didn't even know what to do with myself, let alone two kids."

"You didn't have to leave. We could have gotten through it together."

She put her hands on her hips. "You don't get it, do you?"

"No. I don't."

"You should be thanking me for leaving."

I scoffed. "Sure. I should thank you for abandoning me."

"If I'd stayed, then you would have struggled. You would have turned out just like me. But because I left, you found Gabby. Her family helped you in ways that I never could."

"Are you serious right now?"

"Yes."

"Do you know how many nights I went to bed hungry before I told Gabby that you'd left me alone in the apartment at twelve? Or how many times I had to hide when someone broke into the house looking for drugs or money? She wasn't there to hold me. And neither were you. You didn't save me, Donna. I had to save myself. And I will never thank you for it."

"What do you want from me now? I can't go back and change it. I can't do it over again. So, what do you want?" Her chest heaved and her face reddened.

My fists clenched, and I wanted to shout something back at her. Anything. "I want you to apologize, damn it. Say that you're fucking sorry."

"You don't think that I'm not sorry about how my life turned out?"

"This isn't about you, Donna."

"Why not? Why is it always about you?"

I blinked. My anger dissipated for a moment. "What?" I asked.

Tears filled my sister's eyes. "You weren't the only one who lost her parents. I didn't know what the hell I was supposed to do. I wasn't old enough to raise you. I wasn't old enough to raise myself. So yeah, I ran. Damn it, I ran because I didn't want this. But there was no one there for me, either. So, no, I won't apologize to you, Christina. I won't apologize because who will apologize to me?"

Shit.

I hadn't thought of that.

I swallowed and stared at my sister. Her hair was shorter than when she was seventeen, and her eyes were more tired.

For the first time, I tried to look at her, not as the person who abandoned me, but as someone who had lost her parents, too. Someone who was just as scared as I was. Someone who was just as lost as I was.

I fell back onto the couch and dropped my head into my hands.

Rubbing my face, I exhaled loudly.

"So, what are we going to do about it?" I asked.

"About what?"

I pointed back and forth between us. "This. Us. What do you want from me?"

"A little understanding. A little sympathy."

I nodded. "You're right. I've had my head up my ass, but you could have come to me. Two, three, hell, even five years later. But you never did. So, yes, I never considered what you went through, but you never considered me, either."

She sat back down, too, and sighed.

"This fucked us up, didn't it?"

I nodded. "Yup."

"I let a man I knew was trouble use me because I just wanted someone to take care of me for once."

"I walked out on a man who would've given me everything because I'm afraid he'll grow tired and leave me."

She looked at me. "You're an idiot."

I laughed out loud, and she chuckled, too.

Rubbing my tired eyes, I looked at her. I mean, truly looked at my sister. I hardly recognized her and knew so little about her. But I knew I wanted to learn more.

"Want to go grab some lunch?"

She scrutinized my face for a few minutes, then stood and grabbed her purse. "Sure. Let's get out of this hellhole."

I wasn't sure if she was talking about the neighborhood or our past, but either way, I couldn't agree more.