15

Jager

I learned two things tonight.

One: She loved me.

This beautiful, smart, incredible woman loved me.

Two: She never got my note.

She hadn’t rejected me all those years ago.

I felt as though a weight had been lifted from my chest, and I could breathe. The thought that I’d lost her because of some stupid decision I’d made from some misplaced loyalty had weighed on me for years, and I hadn’t known how to lift it.

Yet this slip of a woman took the burden off my chest and carried it all by herself.

She was magnificent.

My first reaction was to break River’s neck. I couldn’t believe he would do something like that to me. But then I remembered his words: “ You were too reckless. She needed someone safe .”

He’d done it to protect her, even if it hurt me. I could forgive him for that.

I also recognized that I wasn’t ready for a mature relationship at that time. My life had no direction, and I had no idea what I wanted to do with it. The more I thought of it, the more I realized that River was right, even if his actions were wrong.

I gently caressed her cheek as she slept. She was even lovelier when she was sleeping. Trailing my finger down her shoulder, I smiled when bumps rose on her skin.

The air in the room felt warm as I looked down at her sleeping face. I could stare at her all night, but I knew I couldn’t keep my hands off her, so it was best to leave and allow her some rest.

Grabbing a pair of gray sweatpants from my closet, I pulled them on. Not bothering with a shirt, I walked over to my dining room and turned on my laptop.

My first instinct was to check my chats for a message from SnowWhite87. But I had that princess sleeping in my bed. Smirking, I hoped to wake her with a kiss in a few hours.

I meant what I’d said. Fate brought us together; I was sure of it. Our souls found each other even before we did. From the first moment I met Bianca, my heart raced simply at the thought of her. I knew she was off limits because she was River’s sister, so I stayed away. We were friends, and she listened whenever I needed someone to talk to. I tried to be there for her and even taught her to drive when she turned seventeen. It wasn’t until a year later that I couldn’t hold back any longer and I asked her out.

It was the best date ever. We laughed and ate pizza. Later, we talked on the phone until the sun came up. I thought we would never be separated.

But we were.

And I would not let that happen again.

Which brought me back to reality and my assignment. Needing to get back to work, I opened a browsing page.

How did one look up a pig registry?

After a quick search, I discovered there were a couple of pig registries in America and one specific to New York. There wasn’t any detailed information about particular pigs online, but I wasn’t expecting to find any. I needed to know the names of the companies registering the animals so I could hack into their systems. I tried the national registry first.

It only took about ten minutes to get through their online security measures before I easily opened their files. Grabbing my notes, I checked the name of Tagert’s brother’s farm. It was called Dashwood Farms. Several litters were recorded under this company name, so I had to go through them all to find the particular tag I was looking for. The photo Khan had sent me was grainy. I needed a different program to clear it up.

I worked quickly, but it still took some time to clarify the image and then once I had the tag number, reference it back to all the litters registered.

At least two hours had passed when I finally found it. A perfect match. The numbers on the mutilated pig’s ear tag belonged to Dashwood Farms. “Got you,” I whispered as I wrote an email to Khan. I sent him the edited photo along with the registration of the pig. Now, he just needed a search warrant to find this all legally. But now we knew. Tagert had to be involved. I didn’t believe in coincidences.

A creak sounded behind me, and the hair on the back of my neck stood on end. Soft footfalls padded through my living room and my shoulders relaxed.

I waited for her to reach me before I turned around, not wanting to scare her if she was still half asleep. But I was the one with my eyes closed when she placed her hands on my arms. She was warm and I could still smell her rose perfume.

“What are you doing up?” she asked.

“I couldn’t sleep.”

I swiveled in my chair and pulled her onto my lap. My skin tingled when she ran her hands through my hair. “Was it something that happened today? Are you upset with River? Because I’m mad as hell, too.”

The street lights from the window cast a shadow on her face, but her frown was visible. I ran my thumb across her cheek, reveling in the softness of her skin. “No. I don’t normally sleep.”

“Why not?”

I shrugged. “Too many nightmares.”

“When did this start?”

“I don’t know. It’s been a while.”

She kissed me gently and tilted her head. “Tell me.”

I sighed, not used to divulging so much of myself, but knowing if I wanted her in my life, I had to get used to sharing pieces of myself with her.

“I guess it started after a particular mission. We were supposed to sneak up on a terrorist leader and arrest him, as we’d done so many times before, but… someone had betrayed us. When we got to the hideout, his men were waiting for us.”

My chest tightened, and I inhaled slowly through my nostrils to catch my breath and my thoughts. I could hear men shouting and guns firing. My commander’s voice through the earpiece was urgent and pissed off. He never lost his cool, so we knew something went wrong. “My commander tried to get us out. He shouted for us to abort. Then he told us to get the fuck out of there.”

“And did you?”

“We tried.”

Damn. It was hard talking about it.

“It’s okay. You don’t have to tell me if you’re not ready. But you should tell someone.”

“I have. But it hasn’t helped. I tell them. They tell me it wasn’t my fault. I don’t believe them, and here I am.”

She nodded while holding my face in her hands. “Have you talked to your brothers about it? To the people who were there with you that day?”

Her eyes glistened in the moonlight, and I was lost for a moment. Her compassion chipped at the frozen pieces of my heart. The parts I’d closed off to everyone. “No,” I said. “We’ve never talked about it.”

“Do you think it would help?”

“I don’t know. But I don’t think it’s affected them as much as it’s affected me.”

“How do you know?”

I stared at her and wanted to say ‘because I just do,’ but that wasn’t good enough.

“We’ve been through so much. I guess I’m afraid bringing it up would only bring back the memories and I wouldn’t want to do that to them.”

“What if you knew one of your brothers was having a hard time with this? Wouldn’t you want to help him if you could?”

“Of course. No question.”

“Then let them help you.”

Could I do that? Would I feel weak if I opened myself up to my brothers and told them that I still couldn’t get over some of the things that happened to us? Would they think less of me?

“I don’t think it will help.”

“When I left my mother’s home, I thought everyone would hate me. And certainly, my mother and my sister Lisa did. But River didn’t. It brought us closer together. He understood me better, and I appreciated his unconditional love for me, and it meant more to me than I could have imagined. Don’t sell your brothers short. They might surprise you.”

I wondered if perhaps she was right. Will always was patient with me, and I usually turned away whenever he got too close. Maybe the next time I’d let him in.

“Come here.” I pressed her cheek to my shoulder and inhaled the scent of her. With my cheek against the top of her head, I held her and wondered what that ache in my chest meant. I already knew I loved her, but what would it mean if I lost her again?

I didn’t think I could go through that twice.

“B?”

“Yeah?”

“Move in with me?”

She tried to lift her head, but I didn’t want her to read my face. I wanted to know what she felt without her seeing how much it would break me if she said no.

“I couldn’t do that,” she whispered. And there it was. Heartbreak.

I steadied my voice. “Why not?”

“Because I’ve been saving up to buy my own place. It’s the reason I moved in with River. I don’t want to go from my mother’s house to my brother’s house, and now to your house. I want a place of my own.”

She raised her head, and this time, I didn’t stop her. She held my face, and I knew she saw the disappointment there. Pressing down on my molars, I pulled myself together. “Yeah, I get it. You’ve got a plan, and you shouldn’t have to change it.”

“It’s not about changing it. I don’t know how to explain it.” She pressed her forehead against mine.

The rejection fucking hurt. But seeing her in pain hurt so much more.

“Hey, you don’t have to explain. I’ll wait. Now’s not a good time.”

She inhaled, and her breath hitched as though she were covering a sob. It broke my heart into a million pieces, and I felt like the biggest asshole for making her feel like this.

“B, I love you. We’ll take it slow. Don’t cry. I don’t think I could bear it.”

She shook her head. “I’m not crying. I’m just confused. For the last few years of my life, my goal had been the same. To gain my independence and not have to rely on anyone else but myself. Prove that I could do it on my own.”

“I get it.”

She held my face between her hands. “Do you?” She searched my eyes, and I smoothed the line between her brows.

“Yes,” I whispered.

She kissed me softly. “Thank you.”

Surrounded by her scent, her taste, and her vulnerability, I fell more in love with Bianca. She may not want to live with me, but she loved me and that’s all I needed to know.