Chapter Four

Hank

The ranch is quiet this morning, except for the sound of horse gates squeaking and the clop of hooves. I've been out here since dawn. There's something about watching the sun rise over the barn that sets me in the right frame of mind for the day. I need to make more time for shit like this.

Lord knows I need a recentering after the bullshit I pulled last night. I've never done something so fucking awful. And though no one ever has to know what happened, I've never felt worse in my life. No one deserves to have their privacy invaded like that, especially not that sweet, little Dot.

Trouble is, now that I've seen what I've seen, I can't get her out of my head.

The sounds she made. The way she moved. She's like a ghost haunting my every thought.

My cock goes hard again just thinking about it.

Fucking hell.

I stand from the hay bale and make my way toward the hose, turning the nob to fill the water bins. There are a few prairie dogs poking up out of holes in the distance and my one and only pig, Big Boy, is making his way toward me. He'll wait until his trough is filled, then slop around in the water until he's sufficiently knocked it over and he's rolling around in mud. I used to let it get to me, but now I see it's his process.

When I finally get out to spend time in the barn, I wonder why I ever leave. This is where I belong. In the quiet of blowing wind, while the radio hums out a country song they've already played twelve hundred times today, I'm at peace. It's where I'm meant to be. It's not that I dislike the security firm. I like it well enough, but there's an element of business there that I don't care for. I prefer to work with my hands and stay busy outside. The firm was Ox's idea, and it seemed like a good enough reason to get all us brothers together again, but I gotta say, I regret the decision most days.

Dust kicks up with manure as Moonshine the quarter horse clops around the stall. He knows it's feeding time, and he isn't afraid to tell me. I nuzzle the soft fuzz of his nose and balance on the top rail of the fence until I've scooped a few cups of feed into his bucket. He pushes against the door and munches up the food straight away. This creates a domino effect where every other animal in the barn becomes ornery until they're fed as well.

For a while, I feed and pet the farm stock, focusing on the tasks at hand. Simple work like this is rewarding, and every chore becomes its own accomplishment. That said, Dot never really leaves my mind. I think it's the cat jumping from the rafters and mewling at my ankles that brings her back to the forefront.

The trouble is, I'm not sure what I can do about any of it. Her father hired me to secure the place, not date his daughter. And if Dot has had this much trouble with men in her past, the last thing she needs is an asshole like me stumbling into her and making a big deal out of whatever it is I'm feeling.

I scratch the cat between the ears and toss a few carrots out to the goats that are grazing in the nearby field. They're extra loving today, ramming their little heads into my shins for attention. People don't think goats are affectionate, but a lot of them can be just as affectionate as dogs.

My phone buzzes in my back pocket and I pull off my heavy leather glove and check the screen. There's a chance it could be Dot having issues with her system, though that chance is low. That's affirmed when I see it's my brother Carson calling.

"Hey, man," I say, setting the phone on speaker so I can shovel and talk at the same time.

"Hey," he clears his throat, "you coming in today?"

"Nope. I think I'm going to work from home. I'll probably jump on later and do some admin work after I finish the outside chores. What's up?"

"Oh, nothing. I'm fixing to take off on a little road trip this week. Buddy of mine's sister needs some security."

"Is that right? This isn't Sky, is it?"

He swallows hard as though there's a lump in his throat. "It's fine. It's a week. We'll get along for a week." I'm all for convincing yourself of things that aren't true, I've been doing a lot of that these days, but Carson has been in love with Sky for as long as I can remember. This feels like trouble.

"You sure? You've avoided her like the plague for years because of all the feelings you have. Now you're going to lock yourself in the truck with her?"

"It's been a while. I need to get over it. This'll be good therapy, and she needs my help."

I laugh. "If you say so. I'm happy to go in your place if you change your mind. I'd hate for things to go sideways with you and your buddy because you can't keep your hands off his sister."

"Dude, I got it," he snaps. "Believe it or not, I called with good news. The Evergreen brothers, the guys that run that Christmas tree farm in the valley, they had a bunch of materials left over from a cabin build that they want to donate to the mission here."

"Yeah? Fuck, that's incredible." I'm not a hundred percent good with taking donations, but I know it's for a great cause and denying the materials would mean an even longer wait time for the veterans we could be helping here. "I've gotta do something to thank them. They need anything? I could trade them goods."

"The guy mentioned he's looking for reindeer for the season. Ya know, to play up the whole Santa Claus thing."

I laugh. "Shit, I can glue antlers on some horses, but I don't have reindeer." I muck through the stall and reach for a bale of hay as I talk, tossing some along the inside of the enclosure. "What about feed? I've got loads of that. Oh fuck, I know a guy with deer. I'll get back to you on that." For some reason, this act of kindness has me feeling even worse about last night. Not only am I a piece of shit, but I'm a piece of shit that people are doing nice things for.

"Sounds good, bro."

I drag in a deep breath and blow it out slowly as my phone alerts me that someone is on Dot's property. I shouldn't know this either. I should've taken her login information off my phone.

"Hey, I'll catch you later. I'm getting another call."

We disconnect the line, and the alert goes off again. I shouldn't look. I should delete it right now. Unfortunately, the itch to see who's on her property scratches at me from the inside out. I'm not sure I've ever been so desperate to look at anything in my life. It's a pull I can't control, and my brain is using every possible excuse to get me there.

What if she's in trouble?

What if this is the asshole from Seattle?

What if she needs me?

What if she's about to masturbate again?

I click over to the camera and zoom in on the door. There's nothing happening. Dot is home from town. She has a canvas bag on the counter and she's unloading some vegetables and fresh bread.

I huff out a sigh and close the screen again. She's unloading fucking vegetables. She's doing normal fucking people things because she's a human being.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

I toss down more hay and step out of the stall, latching everything up before I wheel up the hose and make my way through the knee-high grass up toward the cabin.

A cold shower is what I need.

My skin prickles under the steady stream of water and I force myself to stay beneath the icy blast. There's no amount of oats and hay I can donate to rid myself of this darkness. I see that now.

What I've done is wrong. What I've seen can't be unseen.

The phone rings and I ignore it in favor of the water. In the military, ice baths were used for clarity and mindfulness, along with a plethora of other things. This water isn't nearly as cold as an ice bath, but it still gets my heart rate up and has me focusing on that instead of Dot.

I drag in a staggered breath as the water prickles at my skin. My eyes close and I focus on standing directly under the cold as I attempt to blank my mind. It's a fruitless effort because even with my focus on my breathing, I'm still thinking about Dot's moans, her hair, the way she leaned up from the bed, how alone she is, how she might need my protection.

The ringing continues. It's probably Carson again. He's the only one I know that won't hang up after the first few rings.

I hit the knob and turn off the water before reaching for my phone. So much for mindlessness. "Hank here."

I realize now I haven't checked the screen. I just grabbed the phone off the towel and answered.

"Hey." Dot's voice is soft and sweet.

Dot. Why is she calling me? It doesn't sound like anything is wrong, but I can't imagine why else she'd be reaching out.

"Hi. Everything okay?"

"Well, umm, it looks like maybe one of my cameras went out and I was wondering if you could come check it. When you get a chance, I mean. There's no rush."

I clear my throat, standing naked in the bathroom, wondering how quickly I should offer to go check on her. If I go right now, I look like I don't have anything else going on. If I wait too long, she'll think I don't give a fuck.

"Well… I do have a pretty packed schedule." It's a fucking lie. I have nothing going on this afternoon. "The only time I have available is right now, since I'm just about done with another job and I'm in your area, anyway." Another lie. I can't help but wonder if this is making me sound as pathetic as I feel.

"Yeah, that works! I'll be here." Her tone is light and airy before the line disconnects.

I'm not sure what the fuck just happened, and I have no idea how the hell I'm going to look her in the eye.