Chapter 5

CHAPTER 5

Chrissy

B eep! Beep! Beep! Beep!

The blaring alarm yanks me right from a restless sleep. My dingy little room comes into focus as I search for the obnoxious thing to turn it off. As soon as I've stopped the grating sound welcoming me into a swarm of emotion, I flop back down on my bed. It's late in the afternoon, but I'm exhausted.

All night I searched for the words. Trying to come up with the right thing to say for the next time I see Sean because my attempts all those years ago obviously weren't enough. Not that any explanation or amount of apologies could be enough for what happened, but I'd hoped he would've at least understood why I did it. But he never responded to any of my texts or calls, and I'd fooled myself into believing it was because he was afraid my dad would follow through on his threat if he made contact with me. Now, I know that it's because he hates me.

He has every right to, but I still need him to know how sorry I am for bringing him into my mess. I want him to know that the pain and guilt will always stick with me. That what I regret more than anything is how I never gave him the choice. I should've been honest with him from the beginning, but I was selfish. I didn't want who my father was to factor into the equation. I didn't want my dad to taint or take away what we had. But in the end, my dad took him away from me anyway.

It's time for me to get up and get ready for work. I drag myself out of bed and head to my shower. Once I feel somewhat human again, I choose the sexiest outfit I own to wear tonight. In case Sean does come in again, I want to look good.

When I enter Trigger's, I find JoeJoe and Hailey in a fit of giggles as they work to get their stations ready for opening.

"What's so funny?" I ask, coming up to JoeJoe's side and giving her a hug.

"We're placing bets on the next guy to get married." Joe gives a mischievous smile. "I think it's going to be Shiv, but Hailey here thinks it's going to be…"

A paper coaster comes whizzing by my head and hits Joe in the shoulder and she bursts out laughing.

"Don't you dare!" Hailey shouts, causing Joe to laugh even harder.

"What the heck? Now you have to tell me, Joe." I turn to the one who's not trying to hide things from me because it's obvious that Hailey is. But why, I have no clue.

"Joe, you should have kept your mouth shut." Hailey comes up to me looking like she's freaking out. "I'm sorry, Chrissy. I can't help it. I just think my brother is going to love you. And he's such a great guy, so I know you'll like him. And anyway, it's not a real bet. We were just joking around."

Her brother? Oh my God. I completely forgot. I'm supposed to be meeting her brother tonight. But marriage? What the hell? What happened to her not expecting anything? What happened to her understanding I don't want a relationship? I told her I don't want to date the guy. I'm definitely not going to be marrying him. Not just because my heart still belongs to another, but I haven't even met her brother yet. Marriage??

"Yeah, so my money is on Shiv," I state, shaking my head at Hailey. Hoping by the look I'm giving her she takes my not-so-subtle hint. It's never going to happen. I'm not interested in getting married anytime soon. More like ever. Not unless…

I stop myself from going down that road further. After last night, whatever hope that was still lingering in my mind was obliterated.

"I wouldn't be taking that bet if I were you, Chrissy." Hailey crosses her arms and is shaking her head at me. I can tell she's frustrated. I get that she wants her brother married and happy, but regardless of who he dates, it takes time for people to fall in love and get to that point. Then again, it only took a few days before I knew I was madly in love with Sean. I was so head over heels in love with him, I would have married him that first week if he had asked me to.

"Shiv is still messed up over his ex," she adds, continuing with her reasoning. "There's no way that guy is taking the plunge and heading down the aisle anytime soon. His ex-girlfriend cheated on him with some stuck-up rich guy. He found out they were engaged right when he was going to propose to her himself. Anyway, she didn't think he was good enough, or could give her the life she wanted, and he's still broken over it."

Oh God. I don't know who Shiv is but my heart aches for him. I know firsthand money does not buy you happiness, so whoever his ex is, she's an idiot. I would have happily lived in that tiny little trailer with Sean. I would have lived under a bridge with him if I had to because money can buy you fancy cars and big houses, but it definitely cannot buy you the feeling of true love and the pure joy that comes along with it. No amount of fancy stuff would ever compare to even one kiss from the man who makes you feel like you're the sun that lights up the world.

"Yeah, well, as far as I've seen," Joe chimes in, "Shiv's taken a liking to one sweetbutt in particular lately, and you know how that goes. After all, look how things ended up for me."

"Sweetbutt?" I ask, never having heard the term before. It must be a club thing. Sometimes I feel like the club has their own language. They definitely have their own names and weird rules. Hailey told me about the whole club property claiming thing. And how once a Savage Knight makes a claim on a girl, the girl is off-limits to everyone else. She also told me how they're all considered "Old Ladies" now, which seems weird to me since they're all around my age, twenty-three.

"A sweetbutt is a club girl who hangs around for sex," Joe explains. "Usually, it's just about sex. But every once in a while, a girl will claim the heart of one of the brothers and they'll get their happily-ever-after."

The dreamy look on Joe's face is the same one she gets whenever her husband is here. Those two love each other hard, and what they have is rare and special. Just like Axle and Riley. Hailey and Grit. Maisy and Ice. Trigger and Nicky. All of them have found the kind of love meant for the books. The kind of love I thought I'd found with Sean.

I shake the thought from my mind before I make myself sick and break down in tears.

"Wait, so you were a sweetbutt?" It finally registers what Joe just said. I can't even imagine her being a sweetbutt. She doesn't seem the type.

"Yeah, I, uh…had some issues I needed to work through and didn't want a relationship."

She shrugs but I can definitely relate. I have some major issues I don't think I'll ever work out. But I would never be able to do the whole sweetbutt casual sex thing. I still have never been with any other man other than Sean. Honestly, I can't imagine having another guy's hands on me. Or mouth. Or being connected to someone else in such an intimate way. Just the thought makes me sick to my stomach.

"Then Joe snagged the one guy who swore he'd never get married. The guy who was the biggest sex fiend of the house," Hailey adds to the juicy tale with a smirk, and I'm absolutely shocked by what she just shared. Riff was a manwhore? And JoeJoe was a sweetbutt? The two of them seem as though they've never even looked at another person before, let alone slept with anyone else.

JoeJoe turns a mocking glare in Hailey's direction, and I can't help but laugh. "Yeah, well, once he had me, he didn't need any of the other girls. And that's why my money is on Shiv. He used to mess around with all the girls, but now he's got his sights on only one in particular, so we'll see what happens."

She leaves that hanging in the air, and Hailey just shakes her head. "How could you not bet on this gorgeous girl right here finding love with my brother? Besides, she wouldn't just be getting an amazing man out of the deal, she'd be getting an incredible sister-in-law out of it, too."

I swallow hard, and JoeJoe laughs just as hard as she watches me. "You may want to back down, Hales. Looks like this one's about to bolt."

Yeah, Joe can say that again. But in Hailey's defense, she knows nothing about my past or about Sean, or about the fact that I'm still in love with the guy.

"Okay, I'll drop it." Hailey pouts. "But my money still isn't on Shiv. He has too much baggage from the bitch who hurt him."

Yeah, but maybe the sweetbutt he's seeing is making Shiv happy again. Knowing exactly what a broken heart feels like, I really hope it works out for him. And to the woman who chose money over the love of a good man, I hope karma is biting her in the butt right now.