Chapter 34

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E verything was a blur, the room spinning like a fucking tilt-a-whirl.

The bottle of cheap whiskey was almost empty on the table in front of me, and I was well on my way to being completely shitfaced. A cigarette dangled from my lips, smoke curling up into the air, making my eyes water. I had tried to quit both, Lord knows I had, but some habits were like cockroaches—they just wouldn’t fucking die.

And tonight? Tonight was one of those nights.

The room wouldn’t stop spinning as I took another long, burning sip, feeling the liquid fire scorch its way down my throat. Didn’t stop the thoughts swirling in my head, but it dulled them just enough. Just enough to keep the demons at bay, at least for now.

Tomorrow was the mission, and it gnawed at me. We were headed straight into a hornet’s nest in some godforsaken shithole in Afghanistan. The kind of place where a single wrong move meant you were up to your knees in blood and bullets. If we got caught digging dirt on the captain, it’d be our fucking heads. But fuck it, someone had to do it.

My thoughts drifted to Red. God, she was always on my mind I could still picture her, standing there, defiant and beautiful, even in her grief.

But she was a mess too, caught up in her own bullshit, trying to save a world that didn’t want to be saved. Watching her cling to her ex like he was worth something? That shit tore me up inside. She had this fire in her, this drive to save people—even when it was fucking hopeless. It killed me to see her so ready to burn herself alive for a lost cause.

I leaned back in my chair, closing my eyes, letting the alcohol do its thing. I couldn’t stop thinking about her—about the way she felt in my arms, the way her lips tasted.

Fuck. No matter how much I drank, no matter how many cigarettes I burned through, she was still under my skin. Like a goddamn itch I couldn’t scratch.

I downed the rest of the whiskey, barely feeling the burn anymore. The cigarette was just about finished, so I flicked the butt into the ashtray, watching the smoke drift up into the air.

I heard the door creak open, but I was too dizzy to give a shit who it was. I blinked and struggled to focus, my vision blurry as I tried to make out who the fuck was intruding on my space. My head was spinning, and I could barely fucking see straight, but when I looked up, I saw her face.

Or at least, I thought it was her.

“Hey there, beautiful,” I mumbled, reaching out to touch her face gently. “Come to join me in my misery?”

Holy shit, she was here and I was a mess.

She smiled back before leaning in closer and running her fingers over the buttons of my shirt. With a soft giggle, she undid one, then another, until my skin was exposed.

Fuck, was it really her?

“Red…” I slurred, barely able to form her name and thinking she was the answer to my drunken prayers.

I couldn’t fucking breathe, couldn’t fucking think straight and my body reacted instinctively, muscles tightening beneath her touch.

A feminine voice responded, not quite matching the one in my memories.

“Would you like me to be her?” I was too out of it to register the difference immediately.

I was too far gone to fully process what was happening.

Confusion clouded my mind as I felt my pants being unbuttoned, a pair of lips trailing kisses along my torso. I got lost in the sensation, the alcohol dulling my senses. Her hands moved lower, brushing against the waistband of my pants before slipping inside.

That made my dick twitch even harder.

Instinct took over, even though something about this felt wrong .

“Oh, fuck…”

But then something felt off—too familiar yet foreign all at once. My mind struggled to process, but then it clicked.

This wasn’t Red.

“Raven, what the fuck?” I managed to say, trying to push her away, but my movements were slow and uncoordinated. “Get out.”

She didn’t stop, her hand sliding down further, teasing my cock. I moaned, fucking involuntarily—my body betraying me like a weak piece of shit.

“We both need to blow off some steam,” she purred, her words slinking into my brain like fucking poison.

“Leave, Raven,” I demanded again, but my voice lacked the strength it needed.

Fucking alcohol was cutting me off at the knees.

But she didn’t listen. Her hand cupped me through my pants, and I couldn’t help it. A guttural sound ripped out of my throat, no matter how hard I tried to fight it. I hated myself for it.

“What’s the matter, Rogue?” she asked, her hand rubbing me through the fabric, making it impossible to think straight. “Isn’t my touch enjoyable?”

I grabbed her wrist, trying to push her away, but my strength was sapped by the booze. “This isn’t what I want,” I muttered, fighting to stay coherent. “I need you to leave. Now.”

But my cock was rock hard, and my hips jerked up, grinding against her hand. She didn’t move, her hand still working me like I wasn’t losing my fucking mind.

“You might say that, but your body tells a different story.”

I pushed her away again, more forcefully this time, even though my cock was screaming at me to do the opposite. “I said, get the fuck out.”

She leaned in, the tip of her tongue flicking against my earlobe. My hands itched to rip her off, but my body wasn’t playing along.

“Come on, Rogue,” she coaxed, her hand still wrapped around my cock. “Let go for once. Just enjoy it.”

I gritted my teeth as she tightened her grip on me. “Raven, if you don’t leave right now, I swear to God I’ll—"

“Fine,” she huffed, raising her hands like she was surrendering. “We’ll stick to business.”

I struggled to focus, forcing myself to sit up straighter, trying to shake off the goddamn fog. “Start talking, then,” I snapped, my patience razor-thin.

My head was pounding, and I could barely focus, but she wasn’t getting out of this without saying her piece.

Raven sighed, crossing her arms. “Maybe I should come back later, when you’ve sobered up,” she suggested, turning towards the door.

I shook my head, impatient. “Spill it. Now,” I ordered.

She turned back to face me, arranging her uniform. “I thought about what you said earlier,” she began slowly. “And I don’t think we should trust Viper.”

My ears perked up at that. “You think he sold us out to our CO?”

“No,” she replied quickly. “Captain left right after our talk on a secret mission, or whatever bullcrap he spews out of his mouth every time he wants us to do his dirty work. And I know for sure Viper can’t contact him. None of us can.”

I rubbed my temples as a headache began forming behind them. The room seemed to spin around me as her words sunk in like lead weights in water.

“How do you know that?”

“Because I’ve been digging around, Rogue. I have my ways of getting information. And from what I’ve found out, our Captain has got some kind of secure comms device that only he can access. It’s not linked to our usual channels, and even we don’t have the clearance to reach him directly.”

I frowned, not convinced yet. “So, what’s got you spooked?” I pressed, needing her to get to the point.

She snagged the bottle from my hand and leaned against the bar counter, taking a sip before answering me directly.

“Well, it’s too fucking coincidental to ignore that every time we’ve had a mission fail or lost men in the field...” She paused for emphasis before adding quietly, “Viper wasn’t there.”

I took the bottle from her, downing another shot, finally seeing the picture she was painting. I thought about it, the pattern becoming clearer. It was true—Viper had been MIA [5] during every failed operation we’d been on recently.

“You’re saying he’s been dodging our failed ops?” I asked, passing her the bottle.

Raven nodded, taking another swig of whiskey before slamming the bottle down with a loud clink that made my head pound even harder.

“Looks like it,” she agreed.

This was getting uglier by the minute.

“Keep digging,” I rasped out finally, my throat dry from too much whiskey and not enough truth. “See what else you can find out about Viper’s involvement. And if you find anything, you come straight to me.”

Raven’s smile reappeared, this time infused with satisfaction instead of seduction. “You got it, boss.”

I waved my hand dismissively at her. “Now get the hell out,” I added as an afterthought.

She saluted me with two fingers before turning to leave. “Oh,” she threw over her shoulder as she walked away, “and maybe try staying sober for once?”

I raised my middle finger at the closed door before reaching for the bottle again. Yeah, like that was gonna fucking happen.

The hangover was a bitch, but I had shit to do.

“My decision is final.”

I found Red in the med bay early the next morning, packing supplies for the mission like nothing was about to change. I knew what I was about to do was selfish as fuck, but I didn’t care. I wasn’t about to lose her like I’d lost everyone else. I had to make sure she stayed put.

I was done with losing people.

She didn’t even look up, continuing to pack. “It’s not your call, Rogue.”

“It is now,” I said evenly, not wanting to get into a back-and-forth with her. “You’re not going on this mission.”

She shot me a look that could’ve burned through steel as she set down the pack she’d been holding. “You’re not my superior,” she countered, standing her ground.

I smiled thinly. “Your superior is dead,” I reminded her, moving closer.

Yeah, that got her attention. She flinched at the mention of Dr. Dickhead but recovered quickly.

“Even so, Captain Collins didn’t inform me not to go.”

“Well, the Captain’s not fucking here to say otherwise now, is he?” I said, trying to sound firm but feeling like a dictator. “And as team leader—”

“You’re not leading the medical team,” she interrupted hotly.

“—as team leader,” I continued over her protestation, “you need to listen to my orders.”

Her expression went from pissed to nuclear in a heartbeat. “Why are you doing this?”

I sighed, pinching the bridge of my nose. I couldn’t tell her the real reason—that I wanted her to stay behind so she would be safe. I couldn’t stomach the thought of losing her.

“Since a lot of our soldiers and doctors got slaughtered in the last mission, we need someone to stay at the base.”

It wasn’t exactly a lie, but it sure as hell wasn’t the truth either.

She took a step forward, her hands on her hips. “Why does it have to be me?” she pressed, not letting it go.

I shrugged carelessly even though every fiber of my being screamed ‘because you’re mine’ or ‘because you’re precious’ or ‘because you make me feel alive’. But I’d rather swallow glass than say that out loud.

“Because I said so,” I pointed out brutally.

The words sounded petulant even to my own ears. Red shook her head vigorously enough that some stray strands of hair escaped from beneath her ponytail and fell across her face.

“This isn’t an argument,” she shot back, turning away from me and grabbing another medical kit, acting like she could just brush me off.

Her words stung because they were true.

“No, it’s not. It’s a direct order .”

I stood in the doorway for a moment, just watching her. Her red hair framed her face perfectly, and her pale skin looking almost translucent in the fluorescent lighting. She was beautiful, even when she was pissed off.

It almost hurt to look at her, knowing what I had to do.

“This is an abuse of power!” she said boldly.

She was pushing her luck, and I was getting tired of her attitude.

“Goddammit, Doc, just do as you’re told for once! I’m doing this for your own good.”

She crossed her arms, staring me down like I was some asshole—and maybe I was.

“Don’t pretend this is about me, Rogue. You’re using your position to get what you want.”

I closed the gap between us, grabbing her by the neck and squeezing just enough to make my point. Her skin was soft under my fingers, and for a moment, the heat of our argument was eclipsed by the intense, unwanted desire I felt.

“Listen, sweetheart,” I hissed, feeling her pulse quickening. “You’re going to do what I say because I’m the one in charge. You don’t like it? Tough shit.”

Her face went white with anger, her eyes flashing like embers as she pushed against my grip. “You have no right to make that call for me,” she said quietly, but with a steel in her voice that made my cock twitch.

“I have every right,” I told her, ignoring the urge to touch myself. “And my decision is final.”

“What if I refuse?” she challenged, her chin lifting defiantly.

I let out a condescending chuckle and my grip on her throat tightened reflexively, just enough to send a clear message.

“Then I’ll make sure you don’t leave the base,” I warned her flatly.

Her face paled further, but she didn’t flinch away from me like most people would have. Instead, she held my gaze steady, daring me to follow through on my threat.

God.

I felt a bit of precum leaking from my throbbing cock and I had to squeeze my legs together to keep it from showing through my pants.

“Don’t push me on this, Red.”

Her lips parted as she gasped for air and all I could think about was how much I wanted to kiss her, to let this tension explode into a fucking orgasm.

I held back, barely.

“You really think you can keep me here against my will?” she asked with a stubborn conviction.

I admired her spirit, but it only made me harder. Literally. Fucking hell, I thought, looking at those parted lips again and my cock shriveled up in my pants.

“I’ll do whatever it takes,” I said, letting out a frustrated breath. “Even if it means locking you up.”

She shook her head in my hold, her red hair rustling against my knuckles. “I’m a doctor,” she protested, trying to wriggle free from my grasp. “I go where I’m needed. And right now, I’m needed out there.”

I stared into those piercing green orbs, feeling a thousand things I couldn’t say. This wasn’t the time to be weak.

“No,” I said, shaking my head, holding my ground. “You’re needed here. We need someone at the base, someone we can trust. And that’s you.”

She bit her lip, and fuck, it drove me crazy. All I wanted was to bite them myself, to shut her up with my mouth on hers.

“You can’t just dictate who goes and who stays based on your mood!” she argued, trying to sound brave.

My pulse raced even faster as I fought the impulse to pin her against the wall and kiss that fucking defiance right out of her mouth. Instead, I closed my eyes and placed my forehead against hers, trying to block out the sound of my pounding heart.

“I’m not just your superior right now; I’m someone who cares about you deeply.” My throat constricted around the words as I added, “And I’m not willing to let you throw your life away on a mission that could easily turn into a suicide run.”

Her body tensed beneath mine as she searched for something in my face—honesty, reassurance? Whatever it was, I hoped she found it because God knows I was barely holding it together.

“But it’s okay if you do that instead?”

My eyes snapped open as our foreheads still touched; our breathing synchronized in perfect rhythm.

“Yes,” I answered without a second thought.

“Why?” she asked, her voice almost a plea.

I swallowed hard before admitting the truth aloud for the first time in years.

Maybe ever.

“Because I don’t matter.”

Tears welled up in her eyes as she reached out to touch my cheek.

“You matter to me,” she told me and hearing her say those words made my chest ache.

Oh, hell no. We were not doing this, sweetheart.

I exhaled heavily, not wanting to admit just how badly I needed her. But this wasn’t about my needs; it was about convincing her to stay behind for her own safety.

My hands trembled as I forced myself to release my grip on her neck, my fingers not wanting to let go.

Damn it, why did she have to look at me like that?

“You’re staying here, end of discussion.”

Her eyelids fluttered closed for a second, as if she was trying to compose herself, but when they opened again, the pain was still there.

My fucking fault for getting her involved in this mess. I should’ve never let her come with me.

What a stupid, selfish asshole I was.

“Is this really your decision or is Sergeant Raven pulling the strings?” she asked abruptly.

I stiffened, caught off guard. “Why do you think Raven had a say in this?”

“Oh, come on, Rogue. I’m not stupid. I know Raven can’t stand me. And I saw you two together last night in your room, getting cozy.”

My stomach dropped as I imagined how that must have looked. She must’ve seen Raven all over me. If she had, I knew exactly what she’d be thinking. And it was bad. Really bad.

Fuck me for being so wasted last night and not kicking Raven out the moment she walked in.

Also fuck my poor decisions and regrettable actions.

“Why did you come to my room?” I asked, needing to know.

Red looked away with tears brimming in her eyes, refusing to answer.

Don’t cry, Red. Fuck, please don’t cry.

“Answer me,” I pressed gently.

I reached out to her, my hand hovering in the air before dropping back to my side. Her pupils constricted as struggled not to cry, and it killed me inside.

“It doesn’t matter anymore,” she said, avoiding eye contact.

It always fucking mattered.

“Nothing happened between me and Raven,” I blurted out, needing her to understand. “I was drunk and stupid, but nothing happened.”

“It’s really not my business who you spend your time with,” she replied, but I could see the hurt in her eyes, plain as day.

I knew then that she didn’t believe me—or maybe she just didn’t want to believe me anymore. And honestly, why the fuck should she?

Either way, it stung like hell.

“Nothing happened,” I insisted, desperately wanting her to believe me. “She showed up uninvited and I kicked her out because I wasn’t interested.”

Red raised an eyebrow but didn’t look at me directly. Cold, distant.

“Rogue, you don’t need to explain anything to me.”

But God, did I ever need to explain myself right now...

I felt like a piece of shit for even thinking it, but a part of me wished she’d just get angry with me already. Yell at me, scream at me, tell me what a worthless piece of crap I was for putting her life at risk.

Anything but these tears.

Anything but this quiet sadness that seemed to pierce my fucking soul.

My palms were so damp, my hands were sticking to the fucking doorknob like I couldn’t make myself leave. But I had to. Staying here wasn’t an option.

I turned around to face her, my eyes locked onto her beautiful, haunting green eyes. She looked so vulnerable, so fucking scared, and I knew—I fucking knew—I was breaking her with every second I spent in that room. But there was nothing I could do. My hands were tied. I was running out of options, out of time.

“No fucking heroics, no stupid shit, and for the love of God, don’t try to follow me.”

Tears formed in the corners of her eyes, but she didn’t make a sound. Didn’t try to stop me. Just looked at me with that fucking sadness, like she knew this was the last time she’d see me.

And fuck, maybe that’s what I wanted. For her sake.

It was better that way. Better for her. Better for both of us.