Chapter 1

ONE

Eleven Years Old

Summer is my favorite time of year. The two and a half months between the last day of school and the first of the next grade are pure bliss. Ice-cold lemonade, lounging by the pool, sunburnt skin, and the way my chest bubbles in anticipation. The anticipation I get every time I see him .

I used to dread summer. The few short months only gave my father more opportunities to criticize me. To remind me of all the ways I'm a disappointment and how he wished I were never born—a fact he's never shied away from making public knowledge. But for the past two years, I've waited impatiently for summer.

I no longer have to hide in the spaces I know my father will have a harder time finding me. I no longer have to lurk around the house in a constant state of nervousness, waiting for the moment my father walks in the door, blaming me for existing in his world and stealing his oxygen.

School always provided an eight-hour window away from the tension at home, but during the two and a half months it was stripped away, I was left to my own devices, fighting for my own survival.

Until a few summers ago.

I haven't been completely free from my father's wrath, but trips to the pool and the way he makes my heart race at the sight of him are the perfect distractions.

"Do you think I can get a tan this time without burning first?" Ember, my tan-obsessed best friend asks me. She sprays her arms, dousing them in the brown liquid coming from the bottle gripped between her hot pink-painted fingernails.

There are only three weeks left of summer vacation before we start the seventh grade, and Ember has made it her number one goal to get the deepest tan she can manage before we return to middle school.

"Doesn't that stuff attract the sun?" I sniff, the scent of my sunblock flooding my nostrils. My mother always insists on me wearing it, reminding me of the dangers of developing skin cancer at a young age. Ember doesn't seem concerned. The risk of cancer is worth it if she looks like she's been baking in the sun all summer long.

"Yes, Adeline," she retorts with a grin. She smooths her hand over her left arm, rubbing it in. "That's the point."

"Well." I sigh, squinting up at the sun through my sunglasses. "I guess it's a race to see who wins. The tan or the burn."

Ember laughs and playfully slaps me on the arm before sitting back in her chair. We both sit in silence and people watch. It's our favorite thing to do when we come to the Cambridge Country Club pool every day.

"You should get used to tanning if you want to become a model," Ember says, breaking our silence.

"Models don't need to be tan." I think back to all the ones I admire. Even my mother when she used to model. I want to be just like her when I'm old enough. My mother became a model when she was only fourteen. I've begged her for years to let me start at the same age she did, but she won't let me. Not until I'm eighteen.

Only seven more years.

"You're going to be a beautiful model, Adeline." Ember smiles. "You're already beautiful, but you get what I mean." She tilts her head and studies me. "It's those cheekbones. You've got good cheekbones."

I smile inwardly and allow us to sit in silence once more. But our relaxation is temporary.

Ember squirms beside me, buzzing with excitement at the prospect of seeing the boy she's had a crush on all summer long. Teddy Long is sixteen years old and the hottest lifeguard at the club. According to Ember, that is.

I giggle as she adjusts the straps of the bikini—the one her mother allowed her to wear—the moment Teddy emerges from the locker room before climbing the small ladder and taking his seat.

She blows out a nervous breath between her glossed lips. "I'm going to talk to him today." Her eyes are trained on Teddy, but mine are on someone else.

The one person I've been anxious to see all summer walks out from the club bar wearing a suit, as always. The white shirt under his dark blue blazer is unbuttoned halfway. Typical for him. Unusual for the country club poolside bar, because while everyone else is in their swimsuits, Micah looks like he's just walked out of an important business meeting.

He's tall, dark-haired, and has these blue-gray eyes that shoot straight for my heart every single time they swing in my direction. It's a bolt of lightning I chase every year.

Micah Lucas Harding. I feel his name on my lips as I mouth them to myself.

"Micah and Archer are here?" Ember asks, turning her head in their direction. I must have said his name out loud without realizing it.

My cheeks heat. "They are?" I play off her question as if I didn't just say Micah's name out loud. I lower my sunglasses and shimmy my shoulders against the back of my pool chair, but Ember isn't in the dark about my feelings for my older brother's best friend.

"You just said his name out loud, Addy." She giggles.

"No, I didn't." I inhale a deep breath, thankful my eyes are shielded by my sunglasses and Ember can't call me out on my obvious lie.

"Whatever." She sighs. "You don't have to pretend for my sake. I know you look forward to seeing him every summer. You've known him practically your whole life, but now that he comes to the pool every year during the summer, you can't stop talking about him. I just think it's silly you have a crush on someone over ten years older than you."

"You have a crush on Teddy, and he's in high school," I argue, twisting my face into a scowl.

"Shh," she hisses, whipping her head to the side and dramatically lifting her sunglasses to shoot me an angry glare. "Do you think you said it loud enough for the whole club to hear you?" She nervously shifts her eyes up to where Teddy is sitting in his lifeguard station. Completely oblivious to our conversation. And us. "Besides," she adds. "Teddy is only a few years older. Micah is twelve years older than you."

I bite the inside of my cheek. Ember is right.

With my sunglasses still shielding my face, I watch as Micah walks alongside the edge of the pool beside my brother. He's talking animatedly, waving his hands in front of him and laughing. He grins, displaying his perfect teeth. They stop at the bar and both lean against the counter with their elbows as the bartender drops full glasses of beer in front of them.

My warm chest fills with oxygen at the sight of Micah. The sun hits his dark brown hair when he tilts his head back to take a sip of his beer. But the oxygen is sucked back out from my lungs the second two women walk up to Micah and Archer.

I ignore my brother and the woman draping her arm across his back. Instead, I hesitantly shift my attention to Micah. The blonde woman standing between Archer and Micah turns her entire body to Micah, giggling as she drags her finger down his cheek. He leans into her gesture, his mouth spreading into an even wider grin.

My stomach sours. I'm green with jealousy. I feel it in my gut, growing like long strands of ivy.

I haven't seen Micah all summer. I prepared for today. With my eyes still shielded, I look down at the pink bikini I took hours to pick from my drawer. I chose this one because I'd seen a model wearing a similar one in my favorite magazine.

I swipe my tongue across my lip, licking off the pink lip gloss I'd put on an hour ago. I feel stupid for thinking Micah would ever notice me. In a way, he does. He's my older brother's best friend, and I'm his best friend's annoying little sister.

But that's all I'll ever be in his eyes.

We haven't even spoken yet this summer, and I'm already feeling foolish. But even though I know he's only my brother's best friend, I look forward to these moments, because even the rare, ten second high I get from being acknowledged by Micah Harding is worth the wait.

I risk a chance looking at him again and swing my gaze back up to the bar.

Archer and the girl clutching his hand have already left the bar, leaving Micah standing with the girl he's with. They're still deep in conversation, not paying any attention to anyone else.

I inhale a deep breath and sit up from my lounge chair. My skin peels off the plastic as I swing my legs over the edge and slip into my sandals.

"I'm going to the bathroom to fix my lip gloss," I tell Ember.

I can't tell whether she's asleep or still watching Teddy.

I don't have to wonder long when she turns her head slightly. "Are you truly going to fix your lip gloss, or is it because Grant is heading in our direction?"

"What?" I turn to my left just in time to see Grant doing just that, heading in my direction. I stand and swipe my pink, sequined makeup bag from the ground at my feet.

"Both." I quickly stand.

"You know he's only mean to you because he has a crush on you," Ember says. "All the boys are like that. If they tease you, they like you."

I open my mouth to argue, but maybe Ember is right. My dad isn't always the nicest to me, yet he says he still loves me. Maybe the same could be said for Grant. Though my stomach doesn't agree. It wobbles, and the thought of talking to Grant right now when I feel the way I do for Micah makes me nauseous.

Without answering Ember, I straighten my back and hold my head high, keeping my eyes focused on where I'm headed: toward the bathroom, away from Micah and the girl he's with. But I only make it a few feet along the perimeter of the pool when I realize I need to pass Grant to get to my destination.

I clutch my bag and start to turn on my heel, but I'm too late. Grant is already standing in front of me.

"Where are you headed, Addy?" he asks, lifting his chin as he grins. He reaches out and curls his finger around one of the ends of my braided pigtails.

"Leave me alone, Grant," I force out between my clenched teeth, and jerk back. His hand falls away from me.

He looks the same as he did during the school year. I've known Grant ever since we were in kindergarten, and he stole my favorite pink, feathered pencil with the unicorn eraser.

His cheeks redden and his dark eyebrows knit. "That's not very nice. I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings, Addy ."

"Stop calling me that." I steel my voice, narrowing my eyes.

His attention falls to my makeup bag clutched in my hand. "You look pretty in pink." His gaze roams over my body.

Maybe there's truth to what Ember is saying. Maybe Grant does like me. He hasn't stopped teasing me since we were five years old.

I swallow. "Thank you."

"Yeah. Whatever. Don't take it to heart. I was only being nice because no one really likes you except for Ember." He quickly glances over my shoulder.

I turn, following what or who has grabbed his attention, only to see Micah is walking toward us. The woman he was with is no longer beside him. Neither is my brother.

I snap my head back to Grant. Water splashes on my feet from swimmers in the pool. I didn't realize how close to the edge we are.

"I don't get it," Grant says, curling his lip as his eyes dance across my face. "Who wears makeup to the pool, anyway?"

"I like it." I grip my makeup bag even tighter. My nails cut into the sharp-edged sequins.

"Yeah," he scoffs, his eyes falling to my mouth. "We all know the real reason you put it on."

"Everything okay, Addy?"

My heart beats erratically at the sound of his voice. I immediately feel his tall frame fill the space around me, and I look up to find Micah standing next to me, trading glances between me and Grant.

I want to ask him how his summer has been and how he's been since he lost his father a few weeks ago. I didn't make it to the funeral because my father didn't want me to be seen with the family. He and Mom left me at home with my father's secretary. When Archer told me he wished I was there but understood when our father told him I was away at summer camp, I didn't bother correcting him. When I asked how it went, Archer told me it was a bunch of rich, old people gathered around to celebrate a man who didn't deserve it, so I didn't miss anything by not going.

He was wrong, though. I missed seeing Micah and being there for him, even if I am his best friend's annoying little sister.

My cheeks flush with heat when my eyes fall to Micah's cheek and I remember how a woman's finger grazed it only minutes ago. I tighten my grip on my bag for different reasons than my reaction to Grant.

I look into Micah's blue-gray eyes. "I'm fine." I give Grant a side glance, then turn in the other direction. "I was just on my way to the bathroom."

"What?" Grant jerks his head back. "So, it's okay for him to call you Addy but not me?"

I roll my eyes, wanting to get away from Grant and my embarrassment. I cross my arms over my chest. "Micah is my brother's best friend. He's been calling me Addy for years. You and I aren't friends."

"You're right." He quickly flicks his gaze to Micah before looking back at me, his eyes flashing with anger. "We aren't."

"Are you sure there isn't a problem?" Micah asks, his brow furrowing deeper.

"Yes, Micah. I'm fine." I hate that I sound annoyed, but I can't help it. Grant has gotten under my skin.

Micah gives me a nod before taking a step back, away from Grant and me.

I spin on my heel and take a step in the opposite direction. I briefly glance up to see if Ember saw my interaction with Grant and Micah, half expecting her eyes to be glued to the drama, but she's no longer laying back in her chair. Now, she's leaning against the lifeguard stand, looking up at Teddy, flirting with him. She whips her hair and gives him a grin that stretches up to her eyes, and it reminds me of the woman Micah was talking to earlier.

Embarrassment fills my chest like a balloon ready to pop. I hold my breath as tears sting the backs of my eyes. I hate that Micah just overheard Grant talking to me the way he did. And that Micah tried bailing me out. I know I'm only eleven, but somehow, I feel more aware of my age around Micah.

He's protective of me, in a big brother sort of way.

I hear footsteps behind me as I make my way to the opposite end of the pool. Swimmers and waitstaff pass by me along the edge of the pool. My feet grow closer to the edge the more I try to avoid bumping into them. I look down and unzip my bag when I feel a finger tap my shoulder.

"Hey, Addy."

I'm already spinning around before reality sets in.

Grant. Again.

"What do you want?" I ask him, tired of his teasing. "I told you to leave me alone."

"The pool is meant for swimming, Addy ," he mocks, the corner of his mouth curling into another evil grin. "Don't you think it's about time you actually swim?"

Then his hands are on my shoulders.

A gasp catches in my throat when I'm pushed back into the pool. My sandals scrape across the concrete before my feet slide out of them and into the water. My scream is muffled the second my head goes under.

Water rushes in my ears. The sound of the people outside and the swimmers surrounding me are silenced while I sink to the bottom.

The dying grip I once had on my makeup bag loosens, allowing it to float to the surface. Instinct tells me to immediately kick back to the surface. My lungs burn from the air caught in my throat, shocked from Grant's shove. I open my eyes and allow the water to burn, mixing with the tears I already know I'm shedding.

Is it possible to die from embarrassment? How did this day suddenly turn into a nightmare?

I stay under the water as long as my body allows.

The world is quiet and still down here. I'm completely alone. I imagine the grin of satisfaction on Grant's face. I imagine Micah wrapping his arms around the woman at the bar. I imagine Ember flirting with Teddy, not caring that I haven't returned from the bathroom yet.

My chest squeezes, and my lungs burn as raw as my eyes.

I may only be eleven, but it feels as if all my dreams have been shattered in this moment. I don't want to face the world. I wish I could hide from this one and emerge in my own. One where I'm in control. One where I'm a successful model, living far away from all the elites who feel superior.

People surround me in the pool. Their headless bodies kick and swim around me, but I'm completely alone. Dark spots fill my vision, and my head feels light. I feel weightless and free under here.

Bubbles escape my mouth while my lungs attempt to hold onto the only bit of oxygen left in them. I point my toes and prepare to kick to the surface when two arms wrap around my waist from behind. I'm suddenly pulled and dragged to the surface, and I let my arms fall to the side, surrendering myself to the world above. A sob escapes me one last time before I'm suddenly gasping for air once I break the surface.

After swimming away from the person who pulled me up, I blink and spit water out as I swim to the edge, then I pull myself out of the pool and hang my head low. I crawl on my hands and knees, coughing and gasping for air. My lungs and chest are still burning, and when I gather the strength, I finally look up, fully expecting to see Teddy beside me… but it isn't him.

It's Micah.

His soaking wet hair sticks to his forehead, and his blue suit clings to his arms. Somehow, the water has made his blue-gray eyes shine brighter than I remember. Or it could be that this is the closest he's ever been to me. His hand gently rests on my bare back and suddenly, I'm fully aware of it. It's as if a million sirens are going off as a million arrows are pointed to his hand on my back.

His hand. On my back.

"Are you okay?" he asks.

But I can't speak. The words get caught on a cough. I simply nod, squeezing my eyes shut as I keep looking at the ground.

"Okay," he says. When I don't say anything, the tone in his voice changes. "Then, what the hell were you thinking, Addy?"

I look up sharply. Anger flashes across his too gorgeous face. Despite my entire body burning, my heart still beats erratically at the sight of him.

He's too old for you, Adeline. Obviously. You can't like him.

"What?" I rasp. My throat burns. "What do you mean?"

His hand falls away from my back, and he moves to sit beside me. Micah bends his legs and rests his elbows on his knees, hanging his head low as the muscles on his back move dramatically. He's still working to catch a breath of his own.

"I heard you scream, and when I turned around you slipped into the pool. I was expecting you to come back to the surface. When you didn't, I went in after you. I thought you were drowning." He wipes his hand across his forehead, pushing his wet hair back, then turns to look me in the eye. "You know how to swim, Addy. What the fuck?"

I narrow my eyes, anger building inside me. I've never heard him talk to me this way.

First, Grant. Now, Micah.

Tears slip from my eyes, but I wonder if they're even visible, considering I'm already wet. This isn't how I expected my first conversation of the summer with Micah to go. My heart broke for his, and when I look into his eyes, I search for the sadness—sadness and loss for losing his father—hoping I'll catch a glimpse of what it looks like to love your father enough to be fractured by their loss.

Instead, all I see is fury and anger in his eyes, and my heart breaks again.

"You're a jerk." My chin wobbles as tears flow down my wet cheeks.

"Right." He scoffs, pushing his soaking wet hair off his forehead. "I jump in the pool to save you, yet I'm the jerk."

"You are." I stand, curling my hands into tight fists.

Micah stands, too, placing his hands on his hips.

I look down at my bikini, making sure it's still intact. Thankfully, it didn't come loose or shift when Grant pushed me in, so I tuck my wet hair behind my ear and cross my arms over my chest, every emotion flooding to the surface. Somehow, I bite back the tears stinging my eyes.

"Maybe you should pay more attention where you're walking when you're around the pool," Micah scolds, narrowing his eyes.

"I was pushed in," I force between gritted teeth.

"What?" He takes a step forward, his eyes softening. "You were pushed in? I didn't see." His eyebrows dip in concern. "Addy, I swear, I thought..."

I look over his shoulder as Archer and the girl he was with earlier move to stand behind Micah. The woman Micah was with earlier is only one step behind. All three of them look at me, with Archer's eyes bouncing between Micah and me.

"What the hell happened?"

I don't answer my brother. My entire body is on fire with embarrassment. I want to hide. I want to run far away from eyes who look at me like I'm someone to be doted on. I want to escape eyes that look at me with pity. Like I'm some little girl who's just had her heart broken. Which I am, and I have.

I look Micah in his blue-gray eyes, and my heart aches for someone who can never be mine. Will never be mine. It's a foolish dream for a foolish girl like me.

"Thank you for pulling me out." I harden my gaze and curl my fingers into fists. "But I don't need you to save me. I don't need anyone to save me."

I turn on my bare heel and leave the country club as fast as my feet will carry me. If this is how the rest of the summer is going to go, seventh grade can't come fast enough.