10. Chapter Ten

Chapter Ten

Ronan

I t's been two days since I kissed my professor.

Two days since I lost my damn mind. I don't know what I was thinking. But I couldn't stop myself. Knowing he's the shy guy from the live video this summer and the fact he admitted to watching my other videos.

I'm not sure what came over me.

All I know is I wanted to feel his lips against mine.

So, I took it. I kissed him.

And now I'm an anxious mess, wondering what's going to happen today in class. Is he going to outright ignore me? Is he going to pretend nothing happened? He ran away from our kiss like his ass was on fire, so who knows what could happen today?

Moving up in line, I scan the menu at the front of the café. They have a few new coffee flavors I'm dying to try. Once I reach the front of the line, I take in Noah, who's standing at the register. He's not paying attention to the crowd, so I wave my hand in front of his face, trying to get his attention.

"Hey, you okay?" I ask, worried about my friend.

He blinks a few times, shaking his head. "I'm good. Zoned out. Sorry. What do you want?"

"Hmm. How about the iced caramel mixed with vanilla bean? And some time with my best friend."

Noah's writing my order down onto the cup when he stops mid word looking up at me.

"Damn. It has been a while since we've spent some time together, huh? Since Thanksgiving break."

"Too long." And it really has been. We hang out here and there, but nothing like before.

"I'm sorry." He looks away and I instantly feel like shit. I don't ever want him to think I'm trying to come between him and Asher. I would never do that, but I do miss seeing him.

"Don't be. There's nothing to be sorry for," I tell him honestly.

"I should still make sure I'm spending time with you. I'll talk with Asher. I miss time with my best friend, too."

Noah continues writing my order on the cup and I move over to the side while my drink is being made. Once it's done, Noah brings me the cup, keeping it out of reach. "I'm sorry again. We'll find time. I promise."

"Sounds good, Noah. I'll see you in class?"

"Yeah, I'm about to clock out, and then I'll meet you later today."

I walk toward the front door, waving goodbye as I exit.

Taking a sip, I sigh. Now to bring on the rest of the day.

Once again, I'm sitting in my chair, watching all the students slowly exit the lecture hall. Noah gives me a look before asking why I keep staying late. I give him the shitty excuse of needing to ask a question about our assignment before he reluctantly nods, gathering his things and leaving.

I wait till the door clicks shut behind Ty, the teacher's aide, before picking up my backpack and walking toward Professor Carson—Oliver.

"Hey," I say, rubbing my hand on the nape of my neck.

"Good afternoon, Mr. James." He doesn't look at me, just continues to mark his papers with his red pen.

"Are we meeting at the library today?"

"Yes, just give me a couple minutes and I can meet you there?" He glances at me quickly before looking back down at his paper.

"Sure."

I wait for him to say something else, but when he doesn't, I roll my eyes and leave the lecture hall. Stomping through the quad, I mutter under my breath, annoyed with the entire situation. I honestly don't even know how I got myself into this or what this even is.

Nothing has happened, but at the same time, a lot of things have happened. Well, whatever it is, we're going to fucking talk about this.

Turning on my heel, I pivot back toward the lecture hall, determined to get him to talk to me. Pushing open the door, I wince when it slams against the wall, Oliver's head whipping in my direction. I stomp down the aisle, my eyes never leaving his as I approach him. Twisting my hands a couple times I try to gather the courage to confront him.

"We need to talk," I blurt out.

"About the assignment? I was gathering my things to meet you in the library."

"No. Not the assignment. Us ."

"There is no us," he deadpans, not looking at me. And fuck does that hurt. The way he can so easily dismiss us, or anything that could be us.

"But there could be. You and I both know there's something more going on here. Not even talking about the whole webcam thing. Us working side by side each week the past couple months. You're telling me that nothing was going on then?"

"No," he states. I watch as he swallows hard, his eyes flickering to me for a second before darting away again.

"You're a liar. You may not want to admit it, but there was more going on. Did you really think I needed help with my assignment weekly? That I couldn't figure out how to cite a paper, or gather evidence for an argument? I was the only student who you met with that much. Why?"

"Why? Why what?"

"Why was I the only student?" I reiterate, a bite in my voice that I barely recognize.

"Because you were the only one who asked."

"Bullshit. It's because we both felt something more. And the only way for us to be around each other was for you to tutor me. You know it and I know it."

Oliver pinches the bridge of his nose before exhaling loudly. "I'm your professor."

"So?"

" So that means nothing can happen between us. Not while you're my student." His voice trails off and there's a flicker of hope that blooms in my chest from his words.

"What about when I'm not your student?"

Oliver doesn't say anything, but by the way his fingers are twisting the pen, I can tell I have him rattled.

Slumping my shoulders, I gesture to the chairs, giving up my tough act. "Can we please sit and talk?"

"Fine," he relents.

I sit down in the chair while Oliver takes the seat next to me. "Are you really telling me you don't feel anything? That this is all in my head?"

He leans forward, putting his head in his hands. He sighs loudly before turning to look at me, his shoulders sagging. "No."

"Okay... so…?" I trail off, not knowing why he's fighting this so much if we both feel something.

"There's no ‘ okay so ', Ronan. We wouldn't even be having this conversation if you hadn't recognized me on your live session thing. Or, fuck, if I had never logged on in the first place."

"But it did happen."

"Yeah, it did. And now we have to be adults and forget about it. I'm sorry."

"Okay," I concede. I'm not going to force him into something he clearly doesn't want.

I'm honestly not even sure what I want to happen. He's right, he's my professor and I'm his student. It makes the most sense to forget any of this happened and move on. I barely even know him.

"I'll see you next week."

I get up slowly, waiting to see if he'll say anything else, but he doesn't. I grip the handle to the door before looking back to see if he's looking at me. Oliver's head is in his hands again and I shake my head.

Oh well, I tried.

My ego is shot to hell, so as soon as I step through the front door, I race up the stairs to my room, not wanting to see anyone. Sitting at my desk, I take out all my books and slowly start working on assignments for my courses. Oliver's face flashes through my mind and I shake my head.

I don't know what I was thinking. Just because he joined my live, doesn't mean he'd want to try anything with me. Hell, he didn't even know it was me. He wasn't joining to see me personally. He was joining to see whoever was on that screen. And whatever I thought could happen between us is ridiculous.

I work on my assignments for about an hour before packing it all away. There's a restless energy running through me, so I slip into my closet and take down my tripod. I might as well make a video since I'm not going to sleep anytime soon.

Lifting my shirt over my head, I toss it onto the floor before unbuttoning my jeans and shoving them down my legs. Standing in my black briefs, I grab a mask out of my dresser and sit on the edge of my bed, fiddling with my phone, trying to position it onto the tripod.

Once I get everything set up, I log into the FAN-tasy site and click the button to take me to a live session. I'm not waiting long before a few names start popping into my waiting room wanting to join. My finger hovers over the screen, getting ready to click a name, when a semi-familiar handle pops up.

My breath comes out in a whoosh, and my hand falls onto my lap.

What the fuck?

Not letting him second-guess himself, I quickly press on his name, watching the twirling circle load the session. His face pops up on my screen, both of us staring at each other, neither saying a word.

"Prof—"

"Oliver. Please, call me Oliver."

"Oliver," I croak, pulling my mask off. "What are you doing here?"

He sits back in his chair, running his hand through his hair. I can't see much, but I can tell he's on his couch. He's a little farther away from his screen than I am, so I'm pretty sure he's using his computer. He shakes his head, then looks back at the camera.

"I'm not sure," he whispers. "But I can't stay away." He shrugs his shoulders, then scoots up onto the couch so his face is in closer view. "You're still my student though, so whatever this is..." He flicks his hand from his body and toward the camera. "Needs to stay on here."

"On here?" I ask slowly. "On the computer?"

"It's the only way I can see this happening. At least for now."

"Okay," I say easily, knowing that I would agree to anything that allows me to get close to him.

We stare at each other again. I don't know what to say. I wasn't expecting him to show up in my live, and I wasn't expecting him to say that he can't stay away. I have no idea what that even means. But fuck, I'll take it. There's been something fascinating about Oliver since the first time I saw his faceless body on the screen. Before I knew who he was.

"So, what happens now?" I ask, sitting back down. I grab the handle of the tripod and bring it closer to the bed.

"We talk. I'm honestly not sure what's going to happen. I've never been in this situation before."

"What? Being attracted to your student?" I joke.

Oliver doesn't say anything for a few seconds, and I start to wonder if I fucked it up before it even began.

"Well, fuck, yes. That. But also, the whole talking to a man thing. I've always known I was bisexual, but I was with the same woman for so long, I never had the chance to try anything with a man."

"Wow," I breathe out. "How long ago did you break up? "

"A year ago. It wasn't a bad breakup. We both realized we had outgrown each other. It was one of the reasons I applied for the job at BU. I wanted to start over."

"And now?"

"Now, I want to learn more about who I am. Which is how I found your site in the first place." He smiles shyly, looking away from the camera.

"Well, I can help with that."

"Can you?"

"Mm-hmm."

"How so?"

"Take off your pants."