26. Chapter 26

Chapter 26

Mason

Moonlit pines and frigid winds accompanied our drive home. Sophia and I were out way longer than I thought we’d be. For some fucked up reason, I was proud that I’d kept her with me, away from work all day. I know it was unforgivably selfish, but... it made me feel like she actually cared about me.

Eventually, the trees gave way to the farmhouse, and I was ecstatic to see Sebastian’s SUV when we pulled in. He was back sooner than I thought he’d be, and I couldn’t wait to tell him about my day. He’d be so happy to hear that I was listening to him.

When Sophia parked, I practically rushed to the front door, hoping to see him downstairs. Instead, I saw Cameron rooting through a take-out bag. My heart fell just a little.

A gust of wind blew in through the open door, and Cameron looked up at me.

I hadn’t meant to kiss him earlier; I just got caught up in the moment. Now I felt guilty. As his eyes pinned on mine and a smile tugged at his lips, I wondered if I should apologize. I liked Cameron, and I had a feeling I’d fuck this up like I always did. He wasn’t meant to love me, even if I wanted it.

I was fine in public. I ate the pretzels and felt confident for the first time in years. But returning home felt like I was returning to real life. Even if I was the social butterfly I pretended to be, I could never fly high enough to escape my insecurities. They were part of me, laced into my impenetrable exoskeleton. Without them, I didn’t feel safe, especially with someone that left me as defenseless as Cameron.

“Hey, I got dinner… are ya hungry?”

My stomach rumbled, and Lavender kicked.

“I’ll take that as a yes.” A deep, rumbling chuckle accompanied his words, one that reverberated through my chest.

“Do you like sushi? Vegetarian, of course.”

A strange smile threatened to sprout on my lips, and it took every ounce of self-control to deny it.

“It’s my favorite,” I said, acting completely unfazed by his kindness.

A neutral expression washed over his face before he forced a smile, and I wondered if I had given him the wrong answer. He cleared his throat, his voice taking on a serious tone that sounded out-of-place for Cameron.

“I got a bunch of different things because I wasn’t sure what you liked, so—”

“Mason James Albright!” Sophia called. “You did not leave me to carry in your bags!”

My face went hot. I was so busy wondering if she loved me that I had forgotten how much of a burden I could be.

“Here, you go sit.” Cameron coached, his hands resting on my shoulders long enough to warm my skin. “I’ll help her carry the stuff in.”

“I can do it,” I whispered.

“I know that, but I want you to rest.” He drew nearer, pressing his nose to mine.

My pulse turned erratic. Was he going to kiss me again? Our lips were so close I could feel his breath, and my heart wanted nothing more than to close the gap.

However, my mind wasn’t as kind. Cameron had been abused. He deserved to be with someone who could love him properly; I was too damaged to give him what he needed.

“Mason!” Sophia called again.

“I’m comin’!” Cameron yelled back.

“...You’re not Mason.”

He rolled his eyes and pulled away. “I’m gonna go shut her up. You go sit.”

I nodded, but the second the front door closed, I darted up the steps like a monster was chasing after me. By the time I reached the apartment and opened the door, I was shaking. I made sure to shut and lock it behind me before I pressed my back to it and slid down. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think, I couldn’t do anything right, could I? What the actual fuck was wrong with me?

My phone buzzed, and I yanked it out of my pocket before throwing the damn thing as hard as I could. I didn’t need to hear about how I disappointed everyone; that’s what I always did.

As the phone crashed against the wall, Sebastian’s voice echoed through the apartment:

“Mason?”

Tears burned my cheeks as I drew my knees to my chest.

Why did everyone have to care about me? They should hate me. Lucian had the right idea; he was keeping me at arm’s length, making sure I couldn’t hurt him again. Everyone else should’ve been doing the same. If I let anyone in this house love me, I’d lose them. I didn’t want that.

Not again.

“Mason!” Sebastian’s voice was more frantic, followed by stumbling footsteps.

His hands were warm and wet as they found my shoulders. I looked up, only for a bead of water to fall from his hair and onto my cheek.

“Mason? What’s wrong?” His whole body was tight as his hands shook against me. “Are you hurt? Is Lavender okay?”

I choked on nothing, feeling stupid for causing this big of a fuss. People out there had real problems, and I was crying like a child because I was terrified of love and the inevitable loss that came with it.

“I don’t want to be in Lucian’s relationship,” I sobbed.

I didn’t want to hurt them. I didn’t want them to hurt me . I didn’t want any of it.

Sebastian had been kneeling, but he shifted his weight to sit in a cross-legged position as he pulled me onto the towel covering his lap. He held me close, the heat of his still-damp body acting like a security blanket. He wrapped his well-muscled arms around me, weaving a hand into my hair.

“Did one of them hurt you?” His question was calm but pointed.

I shook my head.

“I don’t want them. I want you.”

He sighed, playing with the bow Sophia pinned in my hair. “I want you too… but are you sure you don’t want a relationship with any of them?”

I wanted a relationship with all of them, but they deserved better. Lucian and Sophia were still in love with the old version of me, a person who no longer existed. And Cameron? He probably just felt sorry for me. That was the only logical reason any of them would have feelings for me, and I was awful for exploiting them.

“I just want you,” I repeated.

And that seemed good enough for Seb.

“I’ll text Lucky and have him spread the news.” Seb brushed a kiss to the top of my head, and if I could have sunk any further into him, I would have.

To be loved was a dangerous thing, but Sebastian was my safety. He would never leave, even if I begged him to.

“And I think you, my dear, need a nap,” he chided.

“What? No! You just got home, and I missed you.” I quickly wiped tears from my eyes with the back of my hands.

“Princess,” he soothed, “I know when you’re tired. Let’s just lay down for a little; if you sleep, you sleep. If you don’t? That’s fine too.”

When I woke up, Sebastian’s arms were tangled around me, and he was snoring. My mouth was so dry it hurt, and my eyes were still heavy.

I started the arduous process of rolling over to go back to sleep, but my stomach growled, and the hunger-induced nausea loomed. My gaze found the half-eaten packet of peanut butter crackers on my nightstand, and my nose wrinkled. They weren’t bad, but they also weren’t what I wanted.

As I stretched my back, I noticed Sebastian had gotten my phone for me and placed it on the charger. I grabbed it, immediately noticing a large crack in the screen. It’s not like I deserved any different after throwing it the way I had.

I tapped on the broken screen, and once it lit up, the time caught my eye. It was just past eleven-thirty. I had also received a text from Cameron. We had swapped numbers last night in his truck, but we’d never bothered to message each other. I unlocked my screen, partly expecting him to tell me off for running away like I did.

I put the leftovers in the fridge if you’re hungry.

Somehow, that was worse than being yelled at.

I looked down just in time to see Lavender kick. This late at night, it was probably safe for me to go downstairs.

I slowly detangled myself from Sebastian. After sneaking out of bed, I stripped off Sophia’s clothes and pulled on Sebastian’s hoodie over a pair of pajama pants. Once I was done, I crept down the steps and into the kitchen.

The dim light above the stove was my only beacon as I approached the kitchen. At first, I thought I was alone, but then I noticed Lucian sitting on the counter. My heart skipped as he eyed me over. He popped a piece of sushi out of the plastic to-go container and into his mouth, still glaring at me.

It was so quiet I could hear him chew.

We maintained eye contact for a moment, but I knew if I waited much longer to eat, I’d throw up. So, as long as he wasn’t talking to me, I wouldn’t talk to him.

I walked to the fridge, feeling his burning gaze on me all the while. The cool air dusted my face as I opened the door and leafed through the sushi containers. I pulled out a roll with yams, cucumbers, avocado, and some brown sauce on top—not my favorite, but it’d be good enough to settle my stomach. I shut the fridge and grabbed a pair of chopsticks from the pile on the counter before hopping up onto one of the barstools at the island.

Lucian was still staring at me.

I looked away, doing my best to ignore him. To my credit, I was doing a damn good job until he plopped himself into the stool beside me and pulled my sushi right out from under me.

“Can I help you?” I asked sharply.

His eyes pinned on mine, and his jaw was tight. Suddenly, it felt like I was interrupting something. As if I’d come downstairs and stolen from them, even though I had written permission.

“Cameron said I could have some. I have the texts to—”

“Not before we talk,” he snapped. “Can you explain why my brother is saying you’re done with us?”

“Because I am.” I tugged the container out of his hands. Just as I started to pop the lid off, Lucian pulled it away again.

“No, you’re not.”

“Yes, I am.” Once again, I stole it back.

“No,” he snatched it away again, “you’re—”

“If I don’t eat right this second, I’m going to vomit on your counter,” I warned.

He hesitated, as if he was actually considering whether he wanted to clean up my puke, before slipping my food back in front of me.

“One piece.”

I snapped the lid off and selected one, popping it in my mouth.

“All the pieces.”

He snagged one from the corner and crammed it down his stupid throat before I could stop him.

“Hey!” I exclaimed with a full mouth.

“Hey, yourself.”

To say that Lucian was grating on my nerves would be a massive understatement.

“You can just tell me you’re pissed off,” I accused.

He glanced at me before taking another piece of my sushi.

“Stop it!”

“I will if you talk to me.”

I groaned and pushed the container away as I hopped down from the barstool. Sushi wasn’t worth this. I could just go upstairs and—

“So, you’re seriously going to fucking run?” He snorted. “Good to see you never fucking change.”

I stopped in place before turning on my heels. I knew better than anyone that it was best to ignore Lucian—he was just trying to get a rise out of me. But I couldn’t leave well enough alone, so I marched up to him and jabbed a finger into his chest.

“I have changed plenty, thank you.”

“Yeah, but not for the better,” he scoffed.

“What the hell are you trying to say? In what ways have I changed for the worse?”

“You want a fucking list?” He dissected me with his gaze, but still, I thought he was bluffing.

“Sure, tear me to shreds.”

“Your funeral.” He rolled his eyes as he stood to his full height, towering over me. With just inches between us, my heart thundered.

“First, where the hell is your personality?”

“I have a personality.”

“Yeah, but not a good one. You’re fucking scared of everything.” He circled behind me, then grabbed my shoulder to force me to look at him.

“Also, you really need some fucking meat on your bones.”

He poked at my ribs, and I swatted him away.

“Don’t body-shame me.”

“It’s not body-shaming; it’s a health concern,” he retorted. “But I can look past whatever’s going on with you and help you get back to being healthy. What I can’t deal with is the fact that you still run instead of facing your problems.”

He grumbled the last word as he drew nearer, leaning down to my level. He had to hunch his back just to look me in the eyes.

“I’m not running! I am literally still in the same house,” I huffed.

But he shook his head. “You can be physically present but still run. That’s why you had my brother break up with me for you, over text, of all things. Seriously, what is this? Middle school?”

My chest tightened at his question.

“I’m just doing what’s best for you!” My voice shook as I tried to defend myself.

“What’s best for me ?” he snapped, but the subtle sheen in his eyes betrayed the fa?ade of anger he was so desperately trying to maintain. “I am a goddamn adult; I don’t need you to decide what’s best for me. Unless you can look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t want to be with me, or Sophia, or Cameron, we’re not breaking up !”

His voice cracked at the end of his sentence, and I swore I was about to see Lucian cry.

“Tell me you hate me. Tell me I’m a piece of shit. It doesn’t matter what reason you give. I just need an answer, so I don’t have to sit around and wonder what I did to drive you away.” His voice was raw with emotion.

My bottom lip quivered. “You think you drove me away?”

He nodded, letting his hair waterfall off his shoulder to cover the redness on his face.

“I know I was shitty when your mom died. You needed me—I should have comforted you instead of going off and taking a shower by myself. But I was nineteen. Teenagers are stupid, Mason.”

Through his veil of hair, I saw a single tear roll down his cheek.

“What we saw that day... I couldn’t get the image out of my head no matter how hard I tried. When I got out of the shower, all I wanted to do was hold you and make plans for everything to be okay, but you were gone. Dad said you just left—I spent all night searching the neighborhood, thinking you were lost in the woods having a breakdown all alone. And when I couldn’t find you, I was the one who broke down in the woods, alone. I still don’t know what the fuck happened!”

Lucian took a breath and steadied his tone.

“I deserve a reason this time.”

But I didn’t have one. Not one he’d like, anyway. I couldn’t tell him I was terrified to be loved; he’d never accept that answer. Instead, I needed him to hate me.

“I’m pathetic, and you deserve better.”

His brow deepened, and his tears dried.

“What are you talking about?”

“When you went to shower, your dad came to talk to me. He told me I was ruining everything for you. And I listened!“ My voice cracked. “Instead of fighting for our relationship, I let him push me away from you, because I am a coward , Lucian. You deserve to be loved by someone who stands by you no matter what, not a flighty bitch like me.”

Creases formed on his forehead as shock took over his face—oh yes, this was perfect. Soon, Lucian would be so pissed he’d never look at me again, and I’d be allowed to hide in Sebastian’s apartment until this whole nightmare was over.

Slowly, Lucian’s confusion morphed into irritation.

“Seriously? You left because of my dad ?”

I nodded. “He let me know how much I was ruining your life, and—”

“Ahht!” He held a finger to my lips. “I’m not done talking.”

My heart threatened to escape my throat as my spine ratcheted straight. I needed to brace myself for Lucian’s anger. I wanted to stand strong as he screamed at me. If I cried, he might forgive the inexcusable.

“So, you genuinely believed my sellout of a father when he told you my life would be better if you left?”

I nodded again, unable to do much else. Hearing my line of thought out loud was somehow worse than dwelling on it for years. But I deserved to feel uncomfortable. This was the long-overdue consequence of my actions.

Lucian’s nostrils flared as he slowly stalked toward me. I held my breath, preparing for his wrath. Lucian’s lips parted and then sealed as he stared me down. My eyes squeezed shut, and before I knew it, all the oxygen in my lungs was replaced with the scent of sage and sea salt. The rapid beating of Lucian’s heart filled my ears, drowning out the wicked thoughts playing through my mind like a movie as his arms wrapped around me.

Lucian’s touch was as warm and secure as I remembered. Worse than that, his presence still felt like home.

My exhale was shaky as I opened my eyes, trying to ignore how they burned as I tried and failed to lift my head from Lucian’s chest.

“Please, just hate me,” I whimpered.

“Believe me, Mason, I’ve tried. It doesn’t work.” He cleared his throat. “For years, I thought you left because of me. Now I’m finding out my dad got in your head. I wish you’d just talked to me about it. I could’ve told you he was full of shit.”

Lucian took a deep, slow breath.

“If you don’t want to be part of our family, I need you to tell me. In person. No text messages or third parties.”

“I... can’t do that.”

I couldn’t lie to him. Despite everything, I wanted to be with Lucian. I wanted to be with them all.

Lucian extracted himself from my embrace. A tight smile crossed his lips as he guided me back to the island.

“Then I guess we didn’t break up,” he declared.

His hand remained on my back as I slid into the seat, my chest feeling strangely full.

“You don’t want to break up?”

Lucian shook his head before pointing to the sushi.

“Now hurry up and eat; I’m tired.”

“Then... go to bed? I’ll see you in the morning”

“Nope. You’re coming with me.”