8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Freya

I 've made him feel uncomfortable. Not sure why. I'm only speaking the truth. That's all I've ever spoken to him. Well, that's all I've ever wanted to speak, that is. Love is a funny thing, see. The more I wanted to tell him, the more I was afraid to. I loved him. He loved me. I didn't think I'd ever see that again, and I was right. I haven't. And I won't. He doesn't look back as he walks out the door, carrying my teddy bear. But I do see him look at me as he starts his truck. It's a quick glance. But the look in his eyes is heartbreaking. He's not over what happened between us. If I'm honest with myself, neither am I. Although it's been a year, it's still so raw.

What's upsetting is that he doesn't understand. The relationship between Caleb and I wasn't even a relationship. It was nothing. I never had feelings for him. But with Ethan, I loved him like I've never loved before and will never love again. I'm not sure if he gets that. I'm not sure if there is a way to convey that, either, or if it's worthwhile to try. It's clear that he cares, otherwise he wouldn't have shown up here, but how much he cares is another thing altogether. I stare at the towel on the table, dripping with thawing ice, and it's like time is frozen.

"Wh...why are you out of breath?" He asks me, as I get to the door. "Were you in the tub or something?" It's my birthday, but he doesn't know. I know that he wants to keep our relationship a secret, and I've accepted it, so I didn't tell him that it's my birthday, and a bunch of my friends are taking me out for dinner later. I had plans to see him tonight, and I didn't want to break them, so I sort of double booked myself with him.

"No. I just didn't want to keep you waiting, and I was half dressed."

He wiggles his brows. "I could have handled that."

I step aside so he can enter. I hate to hurry him along, and I know that he has a late meeting tonight, so he literally squeezed me in, even though I told him we could get together tomorrow night. His arms wrap around me as he looks into my eyes. "You look nice."

I smile. "Thank you." I kiss his lips and wipe off the lipstick residue. "How long can you stay?"

"Just a few minutes."

I grin. "We could have gotten together tomorrow night, Ethan. Why the fuss?"

He searches my eyes and then he kisses my lips. His voice is low and soft. "Why didn't you tell me it's your birthday today?"

I tilt my head and sigh. "How did you find out?"

He pulls me close to him, eyes on mine, gaze warm and soft. "Answer the question."

"Because I know that you like to keep things low key between us, Ethan. I'm going out with friends tonight, and I knew that you wouldn't want to be a part of that. I didn't want you to feel bad or excluded. It's not a big deal."

He leans his forehead on mine, staying silent, closing his eyes, as if battling with himself on something. "God, I love you."

It's the first time he's ever said it. Well, the first time he's said it for real. He said it when I gave him an ice cream cake, but I know he didn't mean it then, like he does now. "I love you, too, Ethan."

"I want to do something for you for your birthday." He says, as if chiding himself.

"Well, we can do something tomorrow night. It's okay."

"But tomorrow's not your birthday."

"So? How many people celebrate on their actual birthday?"

"Well, I do. And I feel awful not doing something for you today. I wish you had told me." He says, and those words hit a nerve. I told him I love him, but what I should have done before that is told him the truth. Part of me is just so happy to hear those three words for the first time from a man, and the other part of me is kicking the first part of me in the ass.

"I'm sorry. Do you want to come with me tonight? The girls would love to finally meet you."

He exhales and kisses my forehead. "No. I don't want to crash your party, either. That would be equally shitty. Besides, I've got a meeting in a half an hour, and I have no idea how long it's going to last."

"So, come after." I shrug.

"How about I come over after you get home? Assuming you won't be stone cold drunk by then."

I smile. "I might. And Trudy's staying the night. They've ordered a limo, which will be here in an hour, and the girls are meeting me here."

"A sleepover." He nods, as if mulling it over.

"Aye. If all goes well, all of them will be camping out on my floor tonight, some in the bathroom, some not." I chuckle.

"Okay." He sighs. "But I'm making it up to you tomorrow, no buts about it."

"I'm game for that. What do you want to do?"

"Anything you want. Assuming you're not too hung over." He chuckles. "You think about it and let me know."

I nod. "Okay."

He kisses me. "I should go. I've got that meeting and you've got to finish getting ready, not that you don't look fucking perfect as you are."

I smile. "How is it you know exactly the right thing to say?"

He shrugs modestly. "I don't know. I just speak the truth."

I repress the feeling of anxiety in the pit of my stomach. I want to tell him I love him again, wanting so desperately to be that couple that says ‘I love you' all the time, but I know that that's not happening, so I kiss him again.

"Happy Birthday, Freya."

"Thanks."

He kisses me again before leaving.

Thirty minutes later, Trudy is at my door, and she knows right away that there's something bothering me. "How do you do that?" I ask, dumbfounded. "How do you know that something happened?"

"You get a look in your eyes. They don't crinkle when you smile." She explains. "What's up? Getting older freaking you out?"

"No." I answer soberly. "Ethan told me he loves me."

Her eyes widen. "Shit."

"Aye."

"I'll assume that you haven't told him."

I shake my head. "That would be a no."

"Better to do it now, than when he introduces you to his family, and Caleb spills the beans."

"He won't, but still, I get your point. Frankly, I'm surprised that Caleb hasn't told him yet."

"Why would he? Unless Ethan has told him about you, which I assume he hasn't, since mister ‘I don't want the world to know I have a girlfriend' is so fucking secretive."

"I get it though, Trudy."

"That's the part I'd give money to understand. How is it that you get that? He's embarrassed. You're not a fucking billionaire like he is. That family doesn't want their blood tainted with civilian DNA, Freya. That's why he's keeping you a secret."

"I know. But I love him, Trudy. I don't care what form I get him in."

"Well, you're not going to have him in any form, if you don't tell him the truth. Some day, his father is going to make him get married, and it's bad enough that you don't have nine digits in your bank account, you give him more reason not to choose you, you're sunk."

I sigh. "I know. It's just..."

"You're afraid. I get it. But, Freya, the longer you leave it, the worse it's going to get."

"Can we not talk about this anymore tonight?" I whine.

After a beat, she waves. "You're right. It's your birthday. Live it up. I'm sorry."

"It's okay. I know you only want what's best for me. And you're right. I'll tell him. The sooner the better."

She nods. "Okay. On with it. Let the debauchery begin!"

My head finally stops pounding around noon, and that's after my da's special hangover concoction; something I've grown to tolerate over the years. And it works. Ethan calls me around two o'clock, from the office, and I can tell because it's so quiet you can hear a pin drop. When he's home, he's always got music or the television on in the background. And he almost always puts me on speakerphone when he's home, since he's always multitasking. "How do you feel?" He opens with, speaking with a soft chuckle.

"Alive. About an hour ago." I snuffle honestly.

"I take it you had fun? It was worth it?"

"Aye. So much fun. We bar-hopped and partied all night long. I think one of my friends got laid, too."

"No kidding." He laughs. "Did you decide what you want to do with me?"

"How about we order in and have a nice quiet night here?"

"If that's what you want, then that's what we will do."

"I look forward to it."

"When do you think you'll feel alive enough to welcome me?"

"Ethan, you are welcome anytime. I just don't know when you can drag yourself away."

"I'm leaving in five."

I tidy up, since I already showered, and I only just do that to keep my mind off what needs to be said. Trudy's judgemental face is in my head every time I think about it. But I know that she's right. I need to be honest with him, so that we can both move on from this. And as he pulls into the driveway, I feel my stomach do a flip. Half for excitement, and half for nerves. I make sure I don't jump his bones the second that he walks in, even though I want to so badly. "Hey, happy belated birthday, baby." He says, hugging me tight. He pulls back and kisses my lips. "You look beautiful."

"Please." I scoff. "I look pasty and dehydrated."

"Not to me, you don't. And it's nothing a decent meal can't take care of."

"We'll order shortly, but there's something I need to talk to you about first."

He looks at me squarely. "Sounds serious."

"It might be. Sit. Do you want a tea?"

"No thanks." He frowns, sitting on the kitchen chair. "What's up?"

I sit across from him with a sigh. "I should have told you this a long time ago, but I was so torn, because I wasn't sure if I was making a big deal, foolishly, or what."

He furrows his brows, but his tone is casual. "What is it?"

I just come out with it. "I'm not...proud of this, Ethan. But I thought I better tell you now, since, well, since we said those...three words...you know, yesterday. I didn't want to leave it any longer."

He sits forward and takes my hand in his. "Freya, did it freak you out, me telling you that? That I love you?"

I shake my head adamantly. "No, not at all, and I'm glad that you did. But it just resonated with me, and it sort of made me realize that I need to tell you this now, since...you know...maybe things are getting more serious between us?"

He frowns again and tilts his head. "Maybe." I sense the hesitation, but I'm not sure if it's always been there, or if it's because I'm freaking him out right now.

"Ethan..." I bite my lip. "It was a long time ago...like a year ago." I pause to swallow, feeling my gut clench. "I had an affair with your brother, Caleb."

He releases my hand instantly, letting it drop, like I've just told him I'm a leper. "You what?" He whispers, his face soured, like I just passed him a plate full of worms instead of the steak he'd asked for. "You…slept…with my brother?" He repeats, like he's making sure he heard correctly. He's blinking fast, disgust registered on his face.

"Yes. I'm so sorry, Ethan. I should have told you a long time ago, but I was so scared."

He rises, like his chair was just set on fire. "Jesus Christ!" He rakes a hand through his hair. "What the fuck! How fucked up is that! You fuck my brother and then you fuck me!" He shudders. "God, I want to puke!"

I don't fight the lump that's suddenly presented itself in my throat. "I'm so sorry, Ethan." I gasp. "I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you."

I try to say more, but he lifts a hand, stifling me. He glares at me, like he can telepathically tell me how much he hates me, how he's in total shock and disbelief, how much I've hurt him, how much I've broken his heart, all in just a look. His nostrils flare, his chest heaves, as though he's mustering up the courage to shout at me, but he doesn't. Instead, all he does is clench his teeth together and walk out the door, without a word.

As I stand there, staring at the towel Ethan used for his nose, all the memories come flooding back, from the last time I saw him. I didn't try to contact him. He never spoke to me again. It's funny how Caleb never reached out to me, either, but then he probably had his fill of me, and since he's getting married, I'll assume he's found someone better. Much better. I spent a month in bed, depressed, defeated, alienated, feeling like I'd lost the love of my life for something so stupid. A stupid lie. A stupid mistake. But then, after some time, I convince myself that at least I loved. How many people get to say that they got to do that? I had true love. No matter how brief.

After I got to that place, I reconciled myself by saying that maybe he'd come back to me, but then after a few months of nothing, I started losing hope. The courage to reach out to him was never there. And then I got a promotion at work, my business starting really taking off, and I shoved Ethan in the back of my memory, only to show up as a reminder that I would never meet anyone like him again. Trudy tried convincing me to date again, but I've never been able to bring myself to do it. I'll deny it until my death if asked, but part of me is still in love with him. It's mostly in love with the memories of the time we shared together, but it's still a love of them.

I celebrated another birthday just a couple of months ago. Or, at least, Trudy did. Birthdays will always be a sore spot going forward. She tried to convince me to go out, but I couldn't. Instead, we got drunk and watched porn at my house, with the girls. No actual going out in public. Just us girls. I joked and said that I might as well join a convent or turn to women, because that's as close as I'll ever get to being in a relationship again, and my friends laugh at me. They say that it'll pass. That I'll meet someone some day that will make me say, ‘Ethan who?', but I don't believe it.

When I'm feeling like this, the only thing that makes me feel better is work, so I pack myself up and head over to the office. I already did a ton of work on my business earlier, so it's time to switch it up, and it's the perfect excuse to get out of the house, and not obsess over what just happened with Ethan. The only trouble is that I'm at work for a couple of hours and Trudy shows up. The woman can read me like a book, and there's no use trying to deny it. All she does, after seeing the expression on my face, is. "Alright. That's it. We're going out, and I'm not taking no for an answer."

And for the next four hours I drown my sorrows with my best friend. But then a week later, I get a strange email that makes me question everything all over again.

…but it's not from Ethan, or Caleb.