7. Chapter 7

It was like a lit match being dropped into a pan of gasoline. I couldn't begin to explain why we had the working chemistry we did but I was pretty sure not many people shared something this potent. Our connection while working on his new song was crazy good, as if we were both hearing the same melody in our heads and it was simply a matter of getting it written down onto sheet music. It made me wonder how it would be to work on more songs with him.

As soon as I accepted his offer to collaborate he hurried to his bedroom and came back with two thicker notebooks and another acoustic guitar. He stood next to me and I sensed his apprehension as he handed the items to me. I carefully set the instrument against the side of the couch and held the notebooks in my hands.

It truly felt like I was holding onto a priceless piece of art—or solid gold bars, the weight of more than just the book in my hands. I knew this moment was huge for Gage and possibly a first for him to share this part of himself with anyone outside of his band. I couldn't ignore the enormity of what he was giving me and fanned my fingers on the cover of the first notebook like a caress. Frankly, I was stunned he was allowing me this kind of access and for a moment I wasn't sure I was worthy. I glanced up at him where he remained standing beside me. I was in utter disbelief he was entrusting me with something this undeniably valuable.

"Are you sure about this?" I asked, my voice almost a whisper.

"I trust you," he said quietly and set his hand onto my shoulder. I swear the heat of his touch seeped all the way into my bones.

Those three words hit me square in the solar plexus and my heart melted inside my chest. I reached up and placed my hand over his on my shoulder and squeezed. Our eyes met and I saw a dozen different emotions flashing in his eyes until I gripped his fingers and then I watched as everything inside him came to rest, like I'd somehow centered him. This man would be my undoing if I wasn't careful. But Jesus, I loved witnessing him crack open for me. I never imagined Gage Tennison would allow himself to be so raw and vulnerable, but fuck, with that came a responsibility to keep him safe and to always ensure him trusting me wasn't a mistake. I didn't ever want to disappoint him for letting me in.

I let go of his hand and opened the cover to reveal the first page of the notebook. Gage walked around the coffee table and took his seat again on the couch. I could sense him watching me and saw the slight fidgets of his legs and hands, but I kept my focus on the pages. If he wanted to share this with me then I would give it my full attention.

His handwriting was all over the pages but not necessarily on the lines and other details caught my eyes as well. There was everything from pencil sketches, doodles that made no sense, a to-do list, a couple of phone numbers, and of course music and lots of lyrics. It was like a scrapbook created by a musician. Kind of like peering into his life during the time he was filling the pages. It was absolutely fascinating. Every page held the same kind of mishmash of random thoughts and song material. I read through some of the phrases he'd written on the pages and inspiration began to creep into me. I could hear notes spinning in my head as well and excitement grew in my gut.

I turned to look at Gage to see how he was handling me invading his most inner sanctum. He was curled up with his legs tucked under his ass on the couch cushion facing me and his head rested on an arm folded against the back. He was intently watching me with a strained look of concern or maybe even panic on his face. His expression made me feel bad. The last thing I wanted to do was to cause him any kind of emotional pain or turmoil.

"Are you still okay with me looking at this?" I asked him.

Wordlessly he nodded at me while he bit his bottom lip.

I smiled at him and reached over to squeeze his bent knee. "I'm glad because your notes are filling me with inspiration," I said.

His eyes began to dance with life and he sat up straighter. "Really?" he asked. "Do you want to try working together on something?"

"I'd love to," I answered and turned to a page that had caught my full attention. "The lyrics and musical notes you wrote for this one are really good. Let's see what we can do with it." I laid the notebook open on the coffee table with the page of interest in our view, then reached for the guitar Gage had brought to me. "Are you ready to compose?"

"Fuck, yeah!"

We worked long hours for the rest of the day and into the next. We tackled the first song that caught my eye in the notebook and then started piecing together a second and we did it all with minimal breaks for food or sleep. We were inseparable, working all over the house and the outside property, as well. The security guards must have thought we'd lost our minds, as I'm sure our singing and raucous guitar playing had to have reached their ears even out at their entrance guard post more than once. I didn't care all that much. I was having the time of my life and Gage seemed equally at ease with the situation.

It wasn't until the third day that I realized I'd done nothing in terms of acting like a PA. I hadn't even looked at Gage's emails or his work calendar. In a panic I grabbed my laptop to see if I'd made Gage miss anything important. Thankfully I hadn't but I had managed to miss several of Ray's phone calls and a few texts as well.

"Something wrong?" Gage asked as he returned to the enclosed screen porch where we were working that day. It was late afternoon and we were taking a short break from writing. He set down two glasses of iced tea on the table and sat beside me on the daybed. I loved this spot in the afternoons because it was sunny and warm. The screens in the wooden frames that enclosed the space allowed a nice breeze to flow through which was nice.

"Ray's called me twice and I didn't respond," I mentioned.

"Yeah, he's tried to get in touch with me, too," Gage said.

"I haven't done any PA work for you since I arrived nor have I helped you with your schedule," I said. "He's going to fire me."

"Not a chance that will happen," Gage affirmed, "and you've done nothing but help me with my music. That's a big fucking deal. Maybe Ray should fire you as my PA, then I'll hire you as my full-time collaborator. How's that sound?"

"Are you being serious?" I asked and studied his face. He sure appeared to be sincere but was he being logical?

"I'm being very serious," Gage replied. "Ray can hire me another PA if he wants to. I want us to continue working together as we have been for the last few days. This is the most productive I've been in ages."

I tipped my head at him like I was trying to solve a mystery.

"Cain, it's a paid position," Gage added, "and will likely earn you a helluva lot more money writing music with me than you would have made being my PA."

"It's not about the money," I said. "Well, of course to some degree it matters, but I don't want to let Ray down. He hired me in good faith I'd do a great job working with you."

"And you're doing a fantastic job working with me—just not as a PA," Gage said and smiled.

Christ, his smile. It could melt the Polar Icecap if he aimed one in the right direction. It did serious damage to my heart every time he looked at me that way. I knew that much, and honestly, his stolen glances and grins were getting more and more noticeable with every day that passed. Maybe I was imagining the smiles and reading something into them because I wanted it to be true. But regardless, things were shifting for me and I didn't know what to do about it. Real feelings were starting to flare in my head like warning beacons. I should be heeding the flashing red lights but instead I was zeroing in on him like a moth to a flame. I was being stupid because I'd been down this road before and barely survived the implosion that ended everything. I knew how this worked, and yet I couldn't help being drawn closer to him.

I tipped my head back against the pillows on the daybed and closed my eyes. I felt Gage shift beside me and opened one eye. I watched him look at his phone and hit a button, then a moment later he started speaking.

"Ray, sorry I missed your calls but I wanted you to know that I fired Cain as my PA," he said nonchalantly. "Then I re-hired him as my new writing collaborator which is going really well. I'm certain you'll be pleased with the songs we've written already and more are in the works. Turns out the man has mad composing skills. Who knew? But go ahead and run another ad for a PA for me if you really feel the need. Talk soon."

"Did you really just leave Ray that message?" I questioned.

"I sure did," Gage said and laughed as he set his phone down beside him.

"Shit, I'm so fired," I said and rubbed at my temples.

"Forget about the PA gig," Gage said. "Writing with me is a way better job. Look at all the fun we're having."

I rolled my head on the pillows and looked at him. He was flashing another one of his gut-wrenching smiles and my core began to heat at the sight. He was utterly infuriating, fascinating, and adorable all at the same goddamned annoying time. I had no idea what I was going to do except I was nowhere near ready to go home.

A moment later Gage's phone was ringing. He picked it up and looked at the screen. "Well, that didn't take long," Gage chuckled right before he said hello to Ray.

"Of course I know what I'm doing and no, I'm not drunk," I heard Gage say as he got up and walked outside the screen room. "We've been working almost nonstop on music, Ray. In three days we have three songs roughed-out and a forth started."

Gage paused and I could hear Ray yelling through the phone but not clearly enough for me to distinguish exactly what he was saying except for the fact it was loud.

"For fuck's sake, you can get another PA for me," Gage continued, "and no, I'm not fucking him! Jesus! I'm not backing down on this. I want him as my writing partner and my decision isn't going to change. We can discuss the legalities of this when I get back to LA but for now, Cain and I are going to stay at the compound and write. I don't know when I'll be back in LA."

More hollering came from Ray's end before Gage interrupted him again. "Ray, I'm done talking about this. Everything is fine. You can fly back to LA alone but Cain stays with me. We'll fly back together later. Got it?"

The call ended and Gage came back inside the screen room and looked at me. "Can you believe that?" he asked. "Ray thought I was fucking another PA."

I pressed my fingers into my eye sockets and groaned. Ray knew my history—well, most of it, and I had given him my word I would never cross a professional line with Gage. Just days after I had that very conversation with Ray, he was now thinking I'd already broken my word and was sleeping with another employer. Great. I might as well start sending out my resume and pack my bags. Looked like the new job I was so excited to have would be over in less than a week.

I shoved myself off the daybed and came to my feet to move toward the screen door Gage had just come through and he took notice. "Where are you going?" he asked.

"I need to get my shit together and figure out my next move," I answered him.

"What the hell does that mean?" Gage asked.

"It means I'm going to need to look for another job, for starters," I explained.

Gage latched onto my arm and spun me to face him. "Don't you want to collaborate with me?" he asked.

"Of course I do. I definitely enjoyed it but it's not what I was hired to do, Gage. I need to look at this from a practical standpoint. Not to mention, collaborating on an album isn't exactly full-time work on a yearly basis."

"I guess I assumed since you seemed to love the writing process with me that you'd want to continue," Gage said glumly.

"This doesn't feel like a real job to me," I said. I glanced out the screen panel at the water in the distance and stuffed my hands into my jean pockets. "I mean, it's not like we made any official agreement to me collaborating with you or to what extent. I'm not even completely sure what you want or how serious you are about working together on this album. It was just something you told me I was doing for now, but I'm going to need a job to support myself beyond this album and if that's not being your PA then I'm going to have to start looking for a job."

His fingers touched my chin and turned my face to look at him. "You're right. I didn't ask or fully factor in your feelings on this and I'm sorry. I didn't give you a chance to think about it or even discuss it with me," he said. "But I'm asking you now. Would you like to stay and work with me as my writing partner on this project and on future projects as well? We can talk about the money and writing credits once we get back to LA to make it legal but for now I'd really like to work with you in a collaborator capacity. What do you say? Are you at all interested?"

His fingers on my chin fell away right after he started talking and I missed the warmth of his touch immediately. I was angry at myself for feeling that way. Gage was talking about a writing partnership, not a life partner, and it was highly unlikely he'd ever consider me as anything else.

"Can I think about it?" I asked Gage.

"Yeah, yeah. Of course," he said. "I'm going to go season the steaks for dinner. Take all the time you need to think, but my offer is genuine. We work well together and seem to have the same vision for this music. I'd like to see what else we can accomplish, but only if you're interested."

"I just need to focus on the ‘after' part of this job," I said. "I can't sit around for months or years at a time waiting for you to be ready to write the next album. See what I'm saying?"

I saw his shoulders slouch and knew he had finally understood my predicament.

"I'll talk to Ray," Gage said. "Maybe we can figure out a way for you to do both; write with me on the albums and then be my PA in between albums, or something like that."

"I'll think about it," I said.

"That's fair," Gage replied with a nod.

I watched him walk into the family room and continue into the kitchen beyond, then opened the screen door and stepped outside. I stood there for a moment and stared up at the tall pine trees with bursts of light sifting through the pine needle branches from the lowering sun. After a moment, I decided to walk down to the dock and out to the very end where the bench seats were positioned and sat. My mind was busy contemplating the full meaning behind the conversation I'd just exchanged with Gage. Or maybe there was no meaning at all and Gage was just being. . . Gage.

I was certain he had no idea that things had emotionally changed for me. To him, this was all about working with a new collaborator. For me, it was an opportunity to do a job I'd never done before but always wondered if I could. I absolutely loved the theory behind the music and everything from creating it to dissecting it. Composing with a professional of Gage's caliber would be a dream come true. But I also couldn't ignore the growing feelings I had for this man that weren't on a professional level at all. Working closely with him for the foreseeable future like he was suggesting would kill me. I would invariably want more from him that he simply wasn't wired to give and I wasn't sure I was up for the task—or strong enough to survive.

I sat on the bench for a long time; possibly over an hour, for all I knew. Then I felt his presence behind me and squeezed my eyes shut. He stepped in front of the bench looking nervous and apprehensive which was very un-Gage like. He was always the confident one, so sure of himself.

"Mind if I join you?" he asked.

"Of course," I answered.

"I'm sorry I put this weight on you," he said after a long, quiet moment. "If you'd rather go back to LA with Ray, you can. I don't have any right to keep you here. That wasn't what I was implying. I mean, this project is one hundred percent your choice. I didn't mean to suggest otherwise and if you'd rather just be my PA, that's fine, too. I'll respect any decision you make."

I had no idea what to say, so I remained silent, my eyes going blurry while staring at the water. When the silence became too heavy, Gage stood and faced me again. "I'm going to go get dinner on the grill," he said. "Come back whenever you're ready to eat."

I listened to his footfalls fade as he walked away. When I couldn't hear him anymore, I inhaled deeply and let it go, hoping to find some relief from the ache in my chest. A few hours ago we were carefree and laughing together while we worked. Comfortable enough with each other that we were leaning into and exchanging causal touches during moments of pure levity. Now the tension between us felt thick, although purely on my part. I was quite certain Gage had no idea of the emotions I was wrestling with and that was probably a good thing.

Not long after Gage went back to the house I could smell the delicious aroma of sizzling steak on the grill. My stomach growled and I realized I needed to head back and face Gage. He was out on the patio manning the grill when I approached and he looked both relieved and happy to see me.

"Did the smell of seared meat entice you to come back?" Gage asked me with a grin.

"It definitely got my attention," I admitted. I stood awkwardly beside him at the grill wondering how to start this conversation.

"Are we good?" he asked as he pushed his shoulder into mine and kept it pressed there.

I closed my eyes at the familiar feel of him in my space. I loved the weight and warmth of his touches too much—I liked him too much, as well, and that was the root of the problem.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I said. "Just trying to figure out my next step."

"I feel bad my offer is stressing you out," he said. "I really thought it was a no-brainer, since we've been so productive together."

"I know, and it has been a tremendous amount of fun for me to be part of," I explained. "But there are other things to consider."

"Like what?" he asked. "I feel as though I'm missing something but I can't imagine what it could be. I mean, I understand the finance end of things and the need to support yourself. Do you have other commitments in Los Angeles—like a boyfriend or another potential job opportunity?"

"No, nothing like that," I said, "and I haven't had a boyfriend in many years. No time for it."

I had no idea how I was supposed to explain this without admitting I could see myself falling for him if I stayed. Maybe none of it mattered since this issue was one-sided, with me being the one fucking things up by allowing emotions to enter into this business arrangement. To Gage, this was about work—not an intimate relationship. I had no doubt he'd keep up his end of the bargain. It was me who was the weak link. But fuck it, I wanted this opportunity to help Gage work through his writer's block and composing music with him would be a dream come true.

"Are you sure?" he questioned again. "Because from where I'm standing you look pretty fucking conflicted right now. It's okay if you want to take a pass on the project and don't worry about breaking it to me easy. It will hurt less if you rip the Band-Aid off quickly."

I shook my head and swallowed hard. I wasn't sure if I would regret jumping into this abyss that this job represented, or if I was doing the smartest thing I'd ever done in my life. Either way, it was a leap of faith and all I could do was hope I was making the right decision for both of us.

"I want to do it with you," I said in a rush. "I mean, I want the job. I'll do it—I'll compose music with you. Jesus, I sound like an idiot."

Gage dropped the long metal tongs on the side of the grill and quickly wrapped his arms around me. His embrace was firm and pressed us together from head to knee and every delicious point in between. His hands roamed over my back and I heard him actually sigh with relief.

"That is the best news I've heard in a long damn time," Gage said beside my ear.

I shivered but how could I not? With the warmth of his solid body against mine and his warm breath as it ghosted across the bare skin on the side of my neck. I felt more alive in that moment than I had in years. We were about the same height, give or take one or two inches, which made us fit together perfectly. I probably should have ended the embrace seconds after it began but instead I wrapped my arms around Gage and leaned into the touch. My hands skimmed over his back, same as he was doing to me and I felt breathless and feverish. Our hug went on far too long but Gage wasn't exactly pulling away either.

When we finally did step back, I saw something in Gage's expression that I'd never seen on him before. It was a deep mixture of things that almost seemed to be at war with him, like he was trying to justify something in his head that didn't quite make sense. Seeing him like this made my breath hitch because I could swear I saw desire swirling in his serene eyes, too, but that couldn't possibly be right.

Could it?