Chapter 17

Zeke

I knewmy anger was over the top and directed at the wrong person. Lawson hadn't done anything wrong, exactly. He was, however, looking way too fuckin' cozy with my wife, considering he, like everyone else, thought our marriage was real. There were tears in Rainey's eyes as I stalked up to them, and I was jealous another man had gotten to comfort her.

When I woke up this morning and she was nowhere to be found, I'd been scared. Angry. Bitter that I'd given the same woman my heart again, only to be left in the dust. It was fuckin' groundhog day. When I saw her on the bench in the park as I was on my way to our spot to find her, I was both relieved to see she was still in Blueball, and pissed she'd been talking so intimately with Lawson when I wanted to be everything to her. Maybe last night had only been sex to Rainey, but it had been yet another declaration of my love.

And fuck me for being willing to offer her my body before I'd gotten a chance to reel in her heart.

"Are you kidding me right now?" Rainey snapped, standing up from the park bench and squaring off with me.

I fuckin' loved that too. Her spirit. The way she didn't fear me in the least.

Her purse slid down her arm and she pulled the strap back over her shoulder. My gaze snagged on the folded white papers sticking out of the leather. Clarity hit like a lightning bolt.

"You were leaving again," I whispered. Not a question. A statement of truth. She went to the bank and got her money. I was no longer of use to her.

With a blow to the chest that stole my breath, I spun on my heel and marched away. Vaguely I heard Rainey call my name, but I was too pissed—and yeah, fuckin' hurt—to turn around. I'd been playing the long game again, showing Rainey how much I loved her while she'd been planning her quick exit.

Two hands grabbed my elbow and wrenched me around. Rainey was breathing hard and snapping electricity from her eyeballs as she glared me down. Those same hands came up to my chest and she shoved me backward. My shoulder blades and skull cracked against something hard. The bridge. We were right by our spot, though the wildflowers didn't pervade my space with peace and calm like they normally did.

"Quit running away!"

I gaped at her. "Oh, that's rich. Rainey Shaw telling me not to run away."

Hurt crept into those angry eyes. "Low blow, Zeke."

I pointed at her purse that was now dragging along the ground. "Isn't that what you're doing? Running away again? Got your money, so fuck everyone else, right?"

Rainey's eyes filled with tears, even as her chest pumped air in and out in a rapid pace. "Yes, I got my money. No, I wasn't leaving town." Her gaze skittered away and my lungs felt crushed. "I thought about it."

I straightened my spine and tried to shift out of her way, but she jumped in front of me, her chest plowing into my torso. "I thought about it, but I couldn't bear to hurt you again," she said, emphasizing every word.

It wasn't a declaration of love—not by a long shot—but it was something. And I wasn't too proud to grasp at straws if it meant I got Rainey's heart in the long term.

Grasping her by the arms, I spun us around and pressed her into the side of the bridge, her inhales rubbing her chest against me, a constant distraction. Gritting my teeth together so hard I feared my molars would crack, I asked her a simple question.

"Why not? You did it before, why not do it again?"

Her eyes darted left and right, searching mine for something I couldn't provide her. She had to figure this out on her own. Her cheeks went from pink to red, matching the leftover tears in her eyes.

"Because I care about you, all right!" she shouted. "And I wasn't cuddled up with Lawson, you big dummy. He was listening to me talk because I was crying."

My heart melded a few of its pieces back together again as she declared she cared about me. It was paltry in comparison to the love I felt for her, but I was a desperate man. Always had been where it concerned Rainey. Ignoring her first statement to address the more pressing issue, I vowed silently to come back to the first.

"Why were you crying? Are you hurt?" I ran my hands up and down her arms, checking her person for injury, but she seemed fine. Overwhelmed emotionally, for sure, but not physically harmed.

Rainey lifted her nose in the air, her eyes shifting to a steely blue that always came before she said something that would certainly piss me off. "No, I'm not hurt. But I was."

Her words hung there for a long moment as I tried to understand. When it still didn't make sense, she sighed, grabbed my hands off her arms and tugged me to the bench I'd made for our spot, pulling me down to sit next to her. She didn't let go of my hands, but her knee was bobbing up and down, giving away her nervousness.

"It's a long story. You sure you want to hear it?"

"I want to know everything about you," I answered easily, because it was the truth.

"Do you remember the day I left Blueball?"

My jaw hardened. "In excruciating detail, yes."

Her hand tightened on mine. "I was so excited to have an adventure with Hawk. He and I had been messaging for weeks before graduation."

I squeezed my eyes shut, wondering if maybe I didn't want to hear this story after all. It would only hurt me more. Then again, it might help me understand Rainey. If I could understand why she left, maybe I could provide what she needed so she didn't feel like she had to leave again.

"He picked me up and the ride on the back of his Harley was exhilarating. We stopped at a lookout point and he had a flask on him. We took turns sipping and talking. He invited me back to his place, though he didn't specify where he lived. I agreed." Rainey stopped and sighed, her shoulders sagging. "I was such an idiot."

"You were barely eighteen and probably drunk." While I agreed with her assessment, I wasn't going to let Hawk off the hook. He preyed on a young girl.

Rainey nodded. "Yeah, I wasn't exactly sober, that's for sure. By the time we got back to his house, there were a ton of Harleys outside. Music was pumping out the windows and people were everywhere. Clearly they were having a party. And you know how much I love a good party."

She slipped her hands out of mine and sat back against the bench. "One thing led to another and suddenly I woke up hungover in Hawk's room."

My hands gripped the wooden bench underneath me, in danger of breaking the whole fuckin' thing. I might be sick.

Rainey laughed, but the sound was empty. "I wasn't the only one in Hawk's bed. I quickly learned that he had several girlfriends and this wasn't a random party. He was part of a motorcycle club. A rough one. He was sweet to me for a whole week, making me feel like I was special. He even kicked the other girls out of his room when I said it made me uncomfortable. But things changed quickly. He grew tired of me, and one night when there was another party, he told me if I didn't let him bring the girls back in, he was going to share me with his friends so I understood how things worked around there."

I stood abruptly, pacing the small area under the bridge just to burn off some steam. I was going to fuckin' kill that bastard. I'd hunt his ass down and make his death long and painful for what he'd done to Rainey.

I could feel her watching me, probably wondering if she should continue. "Lawson was there."

"What?" I spun to face her, ready to march into Crazy Beans and beat the shit out of him too.

Rainey held her hand out. "That's why I was talking to him just now. I saw the club's tattoo on his forearm and he finally recognized me. He apologized for not helping me get out." Rainey stood, putting her hand on the center of my chest. "And I did get out, Zeke. I made sure Hawk was nice and drunk, then snuck out before the sun came up. I hitched rides until I got to Colorado and found a job. He never came looking for me and I have him to thank for growing up real freaking fast."

I ran both hands through my hair, pulling at the strands just to distract myself from the anger coursing through my veins. "You shouldn't have had to, Rain. Why didn't you come back to Blueball? I would have taken care of you."

Her gaze dropped to my chest. "I was embarrassed. I'd left here like a bat out of hell. How could I come back just two weeks later with my tail between my legs?"

My arms fell to my side and her hand slid off my chest. I could see how glossy her eyes had gotten again, and even though I was mad at her, mad at Hawk, mad at the world right now, I loved her more than all of that. I could figure out my anger later. Right now, Rainey needed me. I pulled her close and wrapped her in my arms, feeling her body shake as she cried against my chest.

I wasn't sure how much time passed, but eventually I led her back to my truck and we went home, neither of us saying another word. I wasn't sure if Rainey was back in that place, reliving her experience, or if she was embarrassed now that she'd told me what happened. I wasn't speaking because I didn't trust myself to say the right thing, not when I was still reeling from her story.

As we climbed the steps to my front door, I hung back. Rainey pushed the door open and looked over her shoulder. Daisy came barreling out the door and batted her nose against Rainey's hand until she petted her.

"I, uh, have a job to get to. I'll be back as soon as I can and we'll make dinner together." Without waiting for a reply, I spun around and left. I did have some work to do, but all of it could have waited. I just couldn't be around her and not rage about the things that had happened to her. The last thing she needed was me losing my shit twelve years too late and rehashing all of the trauma.

I did eventually go home and make dinner with her, keeping my rage down to a quiet simmer below the surface. My hands ached from chopping wood. The knuckles on my right hand were split. Found out it hurt like a son of a bitch to punch a tree trunk when you were mad. I hadn't come to any conclusions about what to do with the story Rainey had told me, but I knew it wasn't dead and buried. I wasn't sure I'd ever get over it.

But every night I'd kissed Rainey on the forehead and pull her into my chest as we spooned in bed, thanking whatever god watched over me that she hadn't chosen that day to leave me. I didn't make a move to get her out of those hideous flannel pajamas and she didn't make a move either. We talked about all the little things that happened in our day, but we didn't touch the subjects neither of us were prepared to discuss: her thoughts on leaving town and her past that didn't involve me. We danced around both topics, evidenced by a lull in conversation that happened every so often. I didn't know if those lulls would decrease in number as time went on or become so suffocating that this sham marriage would dissolve under the pressure.

I was giving her space to figure out what she wanted to do with her life. I wouldn't be the asshole who influenced her to stay just so I would be happy. Rainey deserved to make decisions on her own now that she was an adult and had the means to do whatever she wanted.

I just hoped she'd eventually choose me.