Chapter 19

19

STERLING

I 'd really gone and done it now. I'd kissed Daphne LaSalle and it wasn't the kind of kiss I could come back from. It hadn't been a friendly peck or an affectionate brush of my lips against her cheek. It had been a full-on, I'd-like-to-fuck-you-now kiss.

Maybe even an I-like-you kiss. It might possibly even have been an I-could-love-you kiss.

I blew out a heavy breath, unable to tear my gaze away from her where she was speaking to the fire chief. She was pointing at the bakery, obviously explaining to him where and how the fire had started. It was surreal to me that it had gone that far.

That she had been caught in what might've become an inferno right here at Northfield Farms. I'd known the place needed work. I just hadn't realized the potential consequences of neglecting it.

"You need to let me have some upgrades done around the farm," I said to my dad, who'd appeared on the scene about five minutes before. "I'll pay for everything I can't do myself. It won't cost you a cent."

While he hadn't said anything to me yet, opting instead to just stand and stare at the building, I wasn't surprised at the first word that came out of his mouth. "No."

"Dad—"

"You have a life, Sterling," he said firmly. "I don't want you getting involved in Northfield Farms. You made your choice."

"Yeah, I know, Dad, but I've already spoken to Jake. They can help us do the repairs and?—"

"I said no," he snapped, his fingers rolling into fists at his side. The rain had stopped, but the sky was still ominously dark overhead. Dad glanced up at it from under the rim of his ballcap, his jaw so tight it looked like his teeth might break before he glanced back at me. "End of conversation."

"I know you don't want my help and I realize you don't want me here, but whether or not I chose to leave, this is still my family's farm. It's our family business, and without work being done on the bakery at the very least, it might not break even this year. You'll be in worse shape than you already are."

Grinding his teeth, he glanced back up at the sky, staring for a long moment like he was waiting for answers to drop out of it. When he finally responded, my heart broke when I realized who he'd been waiting for answers from. Why he kept looking toward the sky.

"Your mother wouldn't have wanted this for either of us," he muttered harshly, his voice rougher than I'd heard it in a long time. "The farm lost its touch when she died. I'm happy to let it die with her. Just let it go, Sterling."

Shock rendered me completely immobile. Stunned speechless, I watched as he started forward and walked away, striding across the parking lot to join Daphne and the fire chief. I stared after him, utterly unable to believe what he'd just said.

It helped me make sense of the state of the place, but shit. I'd known he wasn't doing well. I just never would've guessed he was letting it go to shit intentionally.

I'd thought it was grief. Money troubles. Maybe even spite that I wouldn't be taking it over from him, but never, not once, had it occurred to me that he was just letting it die.

As he struck up a conversation with the fire chief, Daphne glanced at me over her shoulder, looking way too concerned as her gaze met mine. I tried to give her a smile, but it fell flat. I wasn't okay and clearly she knew it.

Our kiss played through my head all over again. I groaned, scrubbing a palm over my face as I wondered what the hell I had been thinking. I shouldn't have done it. In the moment, I just hadn't given a shit.

Worst of all was that I wanted to do it again. Badly. Just to see if what I'd felt was true or if it'd simply been the aftermath of the adrenaline. I had just pulled her out of a fire, after all. I needed to know if that spark had been real, and the only way to find out would be to do it again—sans flames, preferably.

But that spark?

Shit. It had been something so deep that it had settled in the marrow of my bones. Something I knew would change me irrevocably if it had been real. Something I wished I'd done ten years ago, but if it was true, if it hadn't simply been the adrenaline, then I'd wasted a lot of time I could've spent with her.

Time I could've spent building the life I'd never known I wanted, but now knew I needed. If it had been true, then she was what had been missing all this time. She was?—

Eric pulled up with a squeal of tires, sliding sideways into the parking spot near where his sister was standing and racing out of his car without even shutting off the engine. He rushed to her side, pulling her into a giant hug and holding her tight.

Oh, yeah. I just kissed Eric's little sister.

Fuck. This was going from bad to worse. I exhaled heavily, dragging my fingers through my hair and trying to center myself.

This had been one hell of a morning. The disappointment when I'd woken up. The pain of seeing those pictures. The revelations. The fire. The kiss. Going into the bakery.

I suddenly froze, even my lungs seizing as I looked over at the bakery. My mom's bakery.

That place had been her pride and joy. I hadn't really taken the time to look around in there given the circumstances, but I'd seen enough to know that it looked almost exactly the same as it used to. The shiny, fancy coffee machine was new, but outside of that, I hadn't noticed anything that had jumped out at me as being out of place.

She'd poured her heart and soul into the yellow and blue mural on the side wall. That heavy wooden table in the kitchen had stood in our dining room for generations of Norths until she'd decided to move it.

Dad had told her his ancestors would be proud to have her using it to recreate her own family's recipes in that bakery. If it could help her live out her passion.

I felt like I couldn't breathe all over again. My shoulders caved and my chest dipped. I dropped my head, closing my eyes and focusing all my energy on trying to drag in oxygen through my nostrils. Usually, I wasn't one to feel overwhelmed by emotions, but I'd never felt as deeply as I had today.

Just this morning, I'd felt more than I had in forever. Grief. Pain. Fear. Shock. Disbelief.

I shook my head. Jesus, thank you for not making me one of those people who have to live like this every day.

Right then, I didn't know how they did it. How they coped when they felt everything this deeply all the time. Exhaling the breath I'd managed to pull in, I focused on the bakery once more.

From the outside, there was only one black streak that hinted at what had happened. For the most part, it was untouched. It looked normal.

But I knew the inside was a mess.

I'd gotten the fire extinguished before the flames had caused too much damage, but between the smoke and the extinguisher, I knew there was no chance it was going to be open again anytime soon. I would have to check with the fire department, but I assumed it would take a few days at least.

My gaze drifted back to the LaSalle siblings. Daphne and Eric had parted, but they were still standing side by side, their backs to me. She waved a hand at one of the fire trucks. Knowing that I needed to speak to her about this, I strode over to them, wanting to get it done sooner rather than later.

"Hey, guys," I said as I approached, my body wanting to be so much closer to Daphne than it was, but I kept a few feet between us. "How are you doing?"

"I'm still fine," she replied softly, her eyes wide and so worried when they met mine. "How are you?"

I shrugged. "Just another day in paradise."

Eric cocked his head at me, his own eyes stormy with concern. "What's up? You look like you need to say something."

"Yeah, I, uh…" I pushed my fingers into my hair, biting my cheek hard so I had something to focus on other than how badly I wanted to kiss her again and how fucking much I missed my mother.

I'm such a goddamn mess.

"The bakery won't be able to open this week," I said eventually, forcing myself to look into those beautiful blue eyes of hers. I almost reached for her. I wanted it more than my next breath, but then I moved my gaze to Eric's.

Daphne wasn't mine. The spark had probably been the adrenaline. She was his little sister and I lived in Manhattan, a world away from small-town Vermont.

"I need to bring in a crew to clean up and to fix the outlets and the oven," I said. "I'm going to talk to Jake and to the fire chief, but I don't imagine it could take less than a week. I'm not even sure if we'll be cleared to go in there to start cleaning up this week."

When I risked another look at Daphne, I saw the profound sadness in her eyes but she nodded. "Of course. I'll talk to June. She called in sick today, but I'll let her know that we'll keep her updated."

"Thanks."

She glanced at her brother then, reaching out to squeeze his forearm. He looked back at her, sliding his hand into hers and giving it a squeeze. Jealousy zipped through me like an out of control freight train. I knew that it was completely irrational, but I couldn't help it.

I knew he was her brother, but he got to hold her hand. He got reassuring squeezes and— Fucking stop it. Right now.

"I'm going to take off," she said, mostly to him before she flashed me a quick smile too. "I need to go get cleaned up and then I'll see if I can help out with the homecoming prep at school. I'm really fine, so both of you can relax. I'll see you around, okay?"

"Take my truck," Eric offered immediately. "I was busy fixing your tire when I got the call about the fire. I'll pick mine up from you later and bring back yours."

"Thanks," she said, accepting the keys when he handed them over. "Bye, guys."

"Bye," he called after her.

I didn't say anything at all because I hated seeing her walk away from me after all that. Strangely—completely illogically—I needed to be with her. I needed her to be with me. I needed to make sure she wasn't pretending to be okay. Frankly, I knew I wasn't okay.

But I let her go anyway, watching as she climbed into her brother's truck and drove away. Eric was staring at me when I finally looked at him. There was still worry written all over his features, his eyebrows tugged together and his eyes dark.

"Level with me," he said and I braced myself for the worst, convinced he was going to ask me why he kept catching me staring at his sister. I would've told the truth too, except that he went in a completely different direction. "What's going on with the farm, Sterling?"

"What?" I frowned deeply, my mind reeling at the sudden change in focus. "What are you talking about?"

Eric's blue eyes searched my own, his hands sliding into the front pockets of his jeans. He locked his elbows, his head cocking. "Jake told me he came up here to check things out. He said you invited him to see for himself what needed to be done."

"Yeah, I did. He came out earlier this week. Why are we talking about this?"

"Everything is falling to pieces," he said, spelling it out for me. "Jake said it's gone to the dogs. Nothing seems to have been maintained at all. So what's going on?"

I sighed, my lids slamming shut as I wondered how much to tell him. There had been a time when it wouldn't have been a question. He'd asked me to level with him and I would have without any hesitation, but now things were different.

On the other hand, Eric was the same guy he'd always been. He was hardworking and he had an arrogant streak, but he was a good guy who had stood by me no matter what.

Things could've been awkward between us once I'd come back. He might've resented me for leaving or falling out of touch. He might've even written me off completely.

Instead, he'd loaned me his old truck, offered me his guest bedroom, and sent his sister to pick me up from the airport.

I was the one who had changed. Plus, Jake had already been out here and he'd obviously told Eric what he'd seen. There wasn't much point in trying to deny what his best friend had already told him.

"I don't know, man. I honestly don't know what to think right now, but Jake wasn't lying or exaggerating. Things are going to shit, but my dad doesn't want me intervening."

"I thought you'd hired Jake to fix things up, though?" Eric said.

I shrugged. "I did, but my dad doesn't know they've been here. We've been arguing about it, but he's been refusing to give an inch. I told Jake to start when he could anyway, but I didn't have my father's permission to do it."

Eric remained silent for a long moment, those eyes moving from one of mine to the other. "Did he give you a reason? He obviously needs help."

My throat constricted again, my chest burning as I dropped my chin in a curt nod. "Actually, he did, yeah. He told me just before you got here."

"What is it?" he asked quietly, urgently. "You don't look so good right now. What did the doc say?—"

"It's not that," I said. "I wasn't injured. I just, uh, it's been a long day. The gist of it is that my dad wants the farm to keep going to shit. He thinks my mom didn't want this for me and that I should go back to my own life."

"Fuck."

"Yep." I inhaled deeply, forcing a tight grin as I shook my head at my oldest friend. "Like I said, I don't really know what to tell you about what's going on at the farm. I'm trying to work it all out, but it's not going very well."

He nodded. "I'm sorry, bro. I should've come out here to check up on things while you were gone. I tried a couple times, but your dad was never home when I came. We stopped seeing much of him around town and I just thought he was busy, you know?"

"I don't blame you. He's pretty good at pushing people away." I saw the fire chief looking around, and when he spotted me, he waved me over. "I need a drink, but first, let me go find out what else he needs."

"Then we'll get a drink. I'm going to need a lift back to town, anyway," he replied.

I chuckled humorlessly, simply relieved that he was willing to drink with me. "You got it. I'll give you a lift all the way to Maverick's. It's on me, but we're not leaving until we're blind drunk and passing out on the couches."