Chapter 37

Chapter Thirty-Seven

"You know what's weird?" Cadel took another bite of the sandwich that the kitchen had prepared for their picnic.

"Everything? I'm not even allowed out of the castle grounds to go on a proper date."

They'd only been back for five days, but Gerrit was taking Everest's grounding seriously. Cadel wasn't tempted to find a sneaky way around the rules, and Everest hadn't tried either for all his complaining. He was grumbling for show because it seemed to Cadel that Everest liked not going anywhere or doing anything.

"You didn't enjoy exploring the catacombs beneath the castle or going through the closed wing?" They'd been creative in finding things to do around the castle. "Or having lunch in the different gardens?"

Everest smiled. "It's easier now there are no echoes of all the previous times…so if it's not being stuck in the castle, what's weird?"

Cadel took another bite before answering. The bruises on Everest's skin caused by his magic use were fading. He was healing without the use of more magic. More magic wasn't always the solution, and though it had been discussed, no one wanted to take that option. Not even Everest. Cadel didn't want to press on any unseen bruises either, but at the same time, it was obvious Everest was pulling away even though they were in the same bed.

"You haven't made an obvious pass at me." He'd become so used to it over the time he worked for him that Everest, without all the memories, was subdued in comparison. "And you haven't asked to shift."

"One of my brothers put you up to asking the latter question." Everest picked up a piece of cheese and popped it in his mouth, dodging the first question.

"Is the bond stopping you?"

Everest shook his head and stretched his legs out on the picnic blanket. "I can feel the shifting heat in me. But my magic and energy and everything is so depleted…I've managed to make one spark."

The frustration at having to light a candle the regular way the second night back had brought him to tears again. There'd been a lot of them. Usually after talking with one of his brothers, even though Cadel wasn't there for the conversations, he had to pick up the pieces afterward and comfort him. They were being too harsh on him. He wanted to say something, but Everest said it was needed to purge the wound so it didn't haunt any of them.

"It'll come back." He may not remember everything that had happened, but Cadel was sure some part of him remembered and didn't want to use magic. "If you want, I can give you a boost?"

"No. I'll get there." And Everest was determined not to use the binding, nor did he want the magic broken.

Every so often, Everest brushed up against the bond like he was checking to make sure it was there, and Cadel would return the gesture.

Everest glanced at him. "If you want to shift, you can. You don't have to wait for me."

"Prowl the castle?" He growled. He liked going out and exploring the forest, though he wasn't that keen on walking through snow.

"At least you have the option. I'd rather not burn down another historic building." He plucked up another bit of cheese along with a slice of apple.

The Shadow Board's building was now a shell, and the remains of a few bodies had been found. The whole thing had been dealt with as the kidnapping of the prince, and it had been linked to the cyber-attack that had occurred earlier.

Officially, Everest was recovering from the ordeal.

Unofficially, he was also recovering and trying to work out who he was and mend his relationship with his brothers. Kaine had so far been the easiest, coming to play chess with him—and winning much to Kaine's delight and Everest's horror—and talking with him.

Quentin had also visited. They'd talked for a bit before he'd taken a quick walk through Everest's mind and declared that everything looked fine to him. The doors were closed, and if Everest wanted to explore the past and some dead languages, he only needed to text.

Everest said he couldn't even find the doors, which was probably his mind protecting itself from further trauma.

"I've wanted to say something." He plucked at the edge of the picnic blanket. "You're in bed next to me, but…I don't know how to reach for you without feeling like I'm wielding a sword to keep you away. Or using sex to control you and get what I want. That feels like all I know." Everest frowned. "I'm sorry. I don't have a better answer. I've certainly had plenty of smutty th oughts about you if that helps. Or have you changed your mind because I've changed too much?"

"You're different." There was no denying that, but this was a less driven, less destructive version. "You're not as pointy and dangerous."

"I can't believe I pulled the whole devil thing…" He shook his head.

"It was very convincing and terrifying." And not something Cadel was ever going to forget.

"That's why I've got no magic. I burned through my energy reserves and then more. I was running on fumes." Everest rubbed his fingers together as if contemplating making a spark.

"I don't mean to push." But at the same time, Cadel wasn't sure what was going on between them.

Everest smiled at him. While there were no flames in his eyes, there was heat. "You're not. I've gone from one hundred to zero, and I'm figuring everything out. I'm scared of fucking up and pushing you away. That was my default for centuries."

"Is that what your book said?" Everest had spent an afternoon in the secret library going through what he'd written.

"Yes. Papa wasn't wrong. I put everything in my books. Things that make me embarrassed to have even thought them…and they read them."

Cadel put his arm around Everest and pulled him close. "You did what you needed to. And you weren't yourself."

Everest sighed. "But I was, I was every version of me until now. Including sides of me that I don't want to experience again."

"And if they had done the same thing, they would've found versions of themselves they weren't proud of either. But you were what was needed at the time. You shouldn't hate your past selves when they enabled you to survive and to be who you are now. "

"I'm still processing everything. And I need to because I do not want this to fester over several lives."

"Or you could stop worrying about the past and future and live."

"That's so much harder than you make it sound."

"How much harder?" He trailed his fingertip up the outside of Everest's thigh.

Everest lifted his eyebrows. "Was that a lame attempt at hitting on me?"

"Maybe?"

He laughed and pulled Cadel in for a kiss. "I liked it. I was so used to knowing what to say and how to say it to get what I wanted, and now I can't find the words. Nothing was real because I manipulated everyone around me. Even you."

"But I understood what you were doing and why. I saw a young man who risked everything for his brother."

Yet Everest hadn't seen Oliver since the rescue, as he didn't want to scare his brother. That Oliver didn't want to see him must hurt, but Everest seemed to be okay. He'd gotten Oliver home, and that was the important thing.

"You're the one who came out of this with a medal for carrying me out of the burning building with my bare ass hanging out for everyone to see."

Someone had taken photos and posted them online, which was why an official statement had been made.

"And it's a lovely ass."

Everest leaned a little closer. "That's where you're supposed to go for a grope."

"That would be obvious…sir." Cadel watched him, not sure if that was something he liked in this life or if it belonged to a past version. Or all versions.

Everest's lips parted as if he were wondering the same thing. Then he gave a small nod. "I have missed hearing you say that."

"I might save it for special occasions." He teased, and Everest's pulse quickened.

"What kind of special occasions?"

Cadel kissed him slowly. The past two mornings, he'd woken up with Everest pressed against his back, hard in all the right places, but when Cadel turned toward him, Everest kissed him and found a reason to climb out of bed. It made sense now, but this morning, after the second time, Cadel had wondered if Everest wanted him to leave. He'd been ready for that conversation, not the one where Everest admitted he was unsure of himself.

Everest's hand slid beneath Cadel's sweater. "I could come with you if you want to go for a prowl?"

Cadel lowered his voice. "You want to hear my growl."

"I do." Everest shivered with delight. "You make me feel safe. Like you'll stop me from running off the cliff without shifting. It's why I don't want the binding broken. Without it, I'll break apart and scatter in the wind."

"But I'm not using the magic." Since Everest had woken up, the binding had existed between them. He hadn't pushed energy through the bond, and he hadn't drawn anything either.

"I know, and I trust you not to. But I sense the binding around me, and when everything is too much, it's there, holding me together. You're there…even when I'm running away. I didn't want to leave you in bed this morning, but I didn't know what to say."

"Or you say nothing and see what happens." He kept his hand on Everest's thigh.

Everest glanced at Cadel's hand, then up at his face. "You won't feel obligated?"

"I can say no, and so can you. "

Everest lifted his eyebrows in the dangerous way. The confident prince who knew what he wanted still existed somewhere within him. "So you have been thinking about getting me naked?"

"You sleep naked, so it's not much of a reach."

"Maybe you should try it." Everest leaned in.

Cadel mirrored him. "Maybe I will."

"Good." Their lips were millimeters apart. "Maybe I still want you naked and on your knees." He drew in a breath and held it.

Cadel let him hang for a moment. "And then what happens?"

"You'll have to kneel to find out."

"You just want to find out what my tongue feels like on your dick." He licked Everest's cheek in a long, slow stripe.

"And you want to learn how to suck a dick."

"That's going to work out well for both of us, isn't it?"

"It is." Everest pushed him onto his back, and Cadel pulled him close, their picnic temporarily forgotten.