Chapter 36

Chapter Thirty-Six

It was light. But it took Everest, and several goes to open his eyes. He had no idea where he was, and for a couple of heartbeats he thought he was in another memory. But nothing seemed familiar, and he couldn't get up and explore. He wasn't sure he could get up at all. His body ached and there was a headache throbbing at the base of his skull.

Merde.

What happened?

He reached for the memories out of habit. He remembered running out of time as he went to free Oliver. The wall of flame. Then there was nothing. Until now.

Which might be a gap of five minutes or five days or five years.

Wait…had he died and re-hatched?

Is that why he hurt?

Lifting his hand took far more effort than it should. But it was his hand. Not a baby hand. The panic that had been rising settled.

He couldn't remember the last time his body had been this ruined… Literally, he didn't remember. Panic fluttered in his chest.

When had he used a wall of flame?

Nothing.

What was the memory that had been pushing through?

Nothing.

They were all gone. The knowledge of a thousand and more different lifetimes was gone. How could he do anything without them?

He pushed himself up onto one elbow, panting from the effort. He wasn't in a hospital room; he was in a bedroom. While the curtains were closed, they were thin enough to let in the light.

It was only then he became aware that he wasn't alone in bed. And while he'd been tucked in, the man next to him sprawled on his stomach, fully clothed on top of the sheets. His long, dark lashes lay against his cheek, and his back rose and fell with each breath.

Cadel had stayed with him, protecting him. Everest was sure he'd ordered Cadel out of the building, but he was also sure Cadel had ignored the order. But there was nothing to back up that feeling.

Everest tried to swallow, but his mouth was so dry it was like he'd eaten sand. He opened his mouth to call out, and his lower lip split, but no sound came out. His throat was too dry, and his voice was in hiding. With a grunt, he lay back down. Everything was far too much effort.

Someone would come, or Cadel would wake.

In the silence of his mind and the exhaustion of his body, there was nothing to do but stare up at the ceiling. His vision blurred, and he blinked to clear away the tears that formed. He missed the memories that had been killing him and didn't remember how to live without them .

Who was he without them?

He'd relied on them for so long…

What did he do now?

He lifted his hand and swiped the tear off his cheek. He was alive, so he'd figure out the rest. Except all his figuring out had involved reaching for solutions and analyzing the past for the best path forward. Been able to eliminate options in a fraction of a second simply because he had all those lives to draw on.

Now?

He only had this life, and all the things he thought he'd known were gone. All the languages…all that everything. Gone. He was alone in his own mind, and he didn't like it.

"You're awake," Gerrit said.

Everest turned his head to see the man playing the part of his father in this life sitting on a chair.

Gerrit hauled himself up and walked over. "We didn't know how long you'd sleep."

From the worry in his voice, it was clear Gerrit had wondered if he'd wake up at all.

Everest opened his mouth, and winced at the sting of his split lover lip.

Gerrit held out a glass of water with a straw. "You've been unconscious for a day."

Everest took a drink of water, which unglued his tongue from the roof of his mouth, though it didn't stop the stinging of his lip. The headache was caused by a lack of water and possibly digging out the memories. What else had been destroyed along with his past? "What happened?"

Gerrit sighed, and the tension in his body eased. "Can you move?"

Fucking hell. How close to death had he been?

"Yes, but everything hurts." He gave his toes a wiggle to prove they did move, partly for himself. "The memories are gone."

"We weren't sure, Quentin had to get out."

"Quentin was in my head again?"

Gerrit smiled and ruffled his hair. "I think you're going to be fine. You're grounded forever, by the way."

"I haven't even gotten out of bed. You can't punish me for stuff I did last life."

"You should've told us what you were planning when you started planning it."

"I can't remember planning it." Which was the truth. All he remembered was what he'd done in this life. "Olier…he's safe? We have him back?"

Even as he asked, he knew the answer because the wound that had existed within him, that had been tearing him apart for so long, was also gone. It no longer hurt to breathe, as the loss no longer crushed his chest.

"Yes."

The bed moved as Cadel rolled over.

Gerrit glanced over at him. "I'm going to leave you two alone for a bit. Cadel will fetch me when you're done." From the tone, that was an order—not to be disobeyed.

Everest pushed himself up onto one elbow again, which was far more tiring than it should be. "Thank you for trusting me."

Gerrit winced. "You manipulated us all. And you did it so well, none of us realized. You laid it all out in your books, knowing that we would read it. That's why you're grounded. So, while we are glad everything worked out and that you are still with us, do not expect everything to return to how it was."

This time, Everest couldn't hold back the tears. "I'm sorry."

"You'd do it again, which means you aren't. "

Everest nodded. "Then why did you bother trying to save me?"

"Because we couldn't live with that option. Though we discussed it."

A lump the size of a dragon's egg swelled in his throat. His brothers had talked about egging him. Perhaps they should have.

"Besides, it's better if we work on healing our relationship in this life while the wounds are fresh." Gerrit opened the door.

Everest flopped back onto the bed, not wanting to see his father walk away.

The door closed softly.

And Everest gave in to the grief, wanting it to swallow him whole.

Cadel pulled him close. Wrapping him in his arms until there was nothing left and no more tears fell. He had saved one brother only to alienate the other three. He wanted to be smart again and know exactly what to do and say next.

"It's going to be okay," Cadel murmured. "You're going to need to give everyone some time because they really thought you were done. Especially when it took you so long to wake up."

"There's nothing in me. I'm hollow. I'm nothing."

Cadel kissed his forehead. "You are the Crown Prince of Mont de Leucoy."

"I was him three years ago. I don't know how to be him. How am I supposed to figure out anything? How am I supposed to make it right with my brothers?"

"The same way everyone else does, with only this life's experiences instead of using the past as a cheat sheet. I might stand a chance of beating you at chess."

"I was able to beat Kaine before…" His life was now divided into three chunks, before memories, with the me mories, and dealing with life after the memories. "I can't remember who I was before."

"You were a kid. You're only nineteen."

"Almost twenty." He wasn't a child. He'd lost almost four years to the mission. And while he'd done a lot in that time, he wasn't sure he learned anything because he'd used the past to cheat, as Cadel said. Everest pulled away enough that he was able to tilt his head and look Cadel in the eye. "Why did he leave us alone? Do they all suspect something is going on?"

Cadel considered him for several seconds. "You don't remember what happened at all?"

"Not after I went pyromaniac."

"Do you remember skipping in and out of the past and the bleeding?"

"Yes, but I don't remember the past if that makes sense. The last week is fractured." He was missing chunks of time, and the bits he did remember didn't fit together. "What happened?"

Cadel pressed his lips together. "We're not telling you what you don't remember. And I am not disobeying your brothers."

"Huh." That meant it was serious.

"I can tell you that you nearly died. Quentin was in your mind and was shaken by what he saw. He drained Kaine pretty badly to help you. Your body gave out. You seized. Your father was worried that you may not wake up and…" Cadel's embrace tightened. "You're not going to like this bit, but it is reversible."

"I'm not liking it already." But he liked the way Cadel held him, as though he wouldn't let anything happen.

"You needed extra energy to survive long enough for Quentin to help you, to close all the memories—he said he'll have to go back in at some point?—"

"Because it's temporary." There was a slight echo there as he'd done this all before, but he didn't remember when .

"Not quite. More of a check-up to make sure that everything is okay. He had to leave before he was sure you'd make it back."

He didn't remember Quentin even being in his mind or what he'd done, which was unsettling but not as unsettling as the rest of what Cadel had said. "Given that I don't have a fated mate, how was I given the extra energy?"

He didn't like where his guesses led.

Cadel lifted his hand, revealing a small cut on his thumb. "You resisted my help as if you wanted to fight and die on your own. It was only when Quentin left you let the magic take hold. Orion wasn't even sure how you fought off the binding.

"You bound me." Everest wasn't sure if he should be mortified or grateful.

There was a word that meant both, but he didn't remember the language or the word.

"It can be undone. Saving you wiped me out for ten hours, and because it's a binding, not a bond, I didn't know what was going on in your head. All I could do was feed you energy so you could fight. It was exhausting."

"Which is why you were sleeping next to me." The warmth within him, the golden heat. That was Cadel. "You're still giving me energy."

"Yes, in the hope you'd wake up. You claimed you were prepared to die on this job, but it was always about living without the weight of the past, so I wasn't going to give up on you." Cadel drew in a breath. "I love you."

Everest stared at him.

"I don't expect you to say it back."

"You saw me do stuff." While his memories of being taken by the Board were little more than shards that sparkled with magic, he'd done things he'd rather not remember.

"I'm not going to lie. That was terrifying. But I also learned you push people away. You use sex as armor so people can't get to know the real you."

"I had to." He frowned. "No one could find out what I was doing."

"I understand. You were deep undercover. But you're not anymore. You don't have a job to complete. You can allow yourself to live. And maybe…love." Cadel gave him a small smile, and Everest wanted to believe that living was that easy.

"I'm not sure I can love without someone getting hurt." Loving Olier had almost destroyed him. He loved his brothers but had hurt them.

"I've never fallen for a guy before, so don't look at me for answers."

Everest smiled. "I'm pretty sure my brothers will tell you it's no different."

"I've never fallen for a prince, either."

"Don't tell anyone, but I'm pretty sure princes are just as fucked up as everyone else. Perhaps more so." It would be very easy to fall into Cadel's gold-flecked eyes, to stay wrapped in his arms and drown in the safety of his embrace. To be grounded.

That's what the lion shifter energy wrapped around him felt like. Cadel's binding was warm and steady. A couple of weeks ago, Everest would've said boring, and the kind of man always hired to protect him…

Because Kaine knew what he needed, and it wasn't a bodyguard who'd do whatever Everest told him, who'd jump off the cliff with him. No, he needed a man who would look at him and ask questions, not caring that he was a prince.

"You'll want to break the binding, but you should wait until you're up and walking. I'm not sure if your body or magic can take any additional trauma," Cadel said.

The way the bond wrapped around Everest was all golden strength and warmth. Without the binding, he might fall apart because there'd be nothing to hold him together. "I don't want to make any rash decisions."

Cadel frowned. "Are you sure you're okay? Shouldn't you be raging about being bound? That's what you saved your brother from. We were expecting?—"

"Fireworks?" There wasn't a spark within him. He might be awake, but using magic was too big of an ask. "At the moment, I'm barely held together." He snuggled back into the embrace. His head beneath Cadel's chin. "Can we just stay here for a bit?"

"Yes. But you need to eat."

"I will…I'm sorry I scared you and that you needed to risk your life to save mine."

"That's my job description."

His teeth raked over his lower lip. Everything had been so much easier when he just knew. Now he had to take a chance. "You can't be my bodyguard and my boyfriend."

Cadel was silent for a couple of heartbeats. His heartbeat echoed through Everest's ears. He'd never tire of listening to his heart.

"What do you want me to be? Because you know where I stand." His voice rumbled through Everest.

Everest sighed and closed his eyes. "I think I'd like to try having a boyfriend. It'll be new for both of us."