Chapter 21

Chapter Twenty-One

Every time Everest blinked, he saw the past like a movie playing, one still frame for every blink, and he couldn't escape it. No, but he could lose himself in Cadel. In his taste and touch and scent.

The things that were very real now.

The pressure of Cadel's fingers on his ass, the grind of his cock against his belly. Everest tipped his head back as Cadel kissed and licked along his jaw and down his neck. He jerked Everest's hips trying to find the right amount of friction instead of relishing the tease of it not quite being enough. Of standing on the edge, ready to jump and fly. Everest liked the moment before the end became obvious.

Cadel growled, which sent a shiver up Everest's spine.

"Can you do that with a dick in your mouth?"

"I have no idea. I want?—"

Everest tugged his head up and kissed him. The past flickered, losing its hold on him. "I know what you want. Sometimes, there is fun in waiting."

His hand trailed over Cadel's chest, loving the way the hair tickled his fingers, then lower over the ridge of his abs before sweeping over the length of his erection. He swallowed, wanting to do more than grind against it, and he couldn't even promise himself that he'd get it inside him another time.

"You're struggling," Cadel murmured.

"Yes." He hated admitting it, but he was worried that if they rushed and jumped, he'd fall asleep and not wake up, or at least not be woken without some difficulty. He needed to hold it together for a few more days. "It's the same lifetime stalking me."

"Maybe it's important."

"It is." The unlocking of his memories had happened before. Cadel had needed to pull him out of the memory of that life, plus the other one he'd fallen into. "And I need to find out what happens, but I can't, not yet."

"Okay." Cadel kissed him again. The heat was still there but tempered.

Everest didn't want that either.

He wanted everything, all of it, now. The life he might have lived crammed into a few short days. He needed someone to see him. Not as a prince, or a spy, or a brother, but as a man. He wanted someone to understand him. To understand that he was messed up and broken in ways that were almost impossible to understand because living so many times was hard on his soul and mind, if not his body.

"What do you need from me?" Cadel murmured.

"For you to be you. That's all." Because Cadel saw him, and even if he didn't understand him, he didn't push Everest to be something he wasn't. He was perfectly fine holding all of the mess.

And Everest had no idea why.

Only that he didn't want it to stop .

Cadel rubbed his cheek against Everest's and gave a low growl. "I'm still waiting for you to liberate my cock, sir."

"Since you asked so nicely…though, to be honest, you told me to stop playing games, so as much as I like it?—"

"I don't mind."

"I think you will if I order you around."

"And that would be different to normal, how?"

Everest gave a low laugh. "You have no idea." He tugged Cadel's pajama pants lower and wrapped his fingers around the lion shifter's cock. "No games tonight. I'm not sure my mind can handle much more."

The past was still there, though dull and grainy and soundless. The pain of the unleashed memories of all those centuries ago was a dull throb at the back of his skull.

"One day at a time," Cadel said. He sucked in a breath as Everest swept his thumb around the head and over the slit.

Everest had been thinking one hour at a time, so he appreciated Cadel's faith in his ability to stay focused on the job. Right now, his only job was to stroke the cock in his hand and learn every millimeter of hot, hard flesh. Reducing his focus to only that took away some of the pain.

Would a future version of himself ever find this memory?

If he'd had all of his memories before…

…he dragged himself back to the present, aware of the insidious grip the past had on him and the way it clawed at him trying to pull him back.

Cadel's fingers flexed against his ass cheek as if he wasn't sure what to do but needed to do something.

Everest kissed him as he took Cadel's hand and shoved it into his pajama pants. "I realize you've never handled another guy's cock, but I really want to feel your hand around mine. Please." He couldn't remember the last time he'd said please to a lover .

It took Cadel a couple of seconds to figure out the best way to do that within the confines of the fabric.

What he wanted was both of them naked. He'd only worn the pajama pants because sleeping naked on the job was not advisable, and he hoped Cadel reached the conclusion that getting naked would be easier before he lost patience.

"Like this?" Cadel gave Everest's length a slow stroke.

"Yes." Everest rocked his hips, fucking Cadel's hand. "You can grip a little tighter."

He did, and when Everest swept his thumb over Cadel's slit, Cadel mimicked the motion. He showed Cadel what he liked, the little twist, the slow stroke down, and Cadel copied every movement.

Everest paused, and without saying anything, Cadel started to lead the dance, showing Everest what he liked. He used the pre-cum slipping from the tip to smooth his stroke as he copied.

Cadel hips rocked gently. "I want to…"

"Tell me." He licked Cadel's lip, needing to hear what he wanted in case he never got the chance again.

"I want to press you into the mattress like I'm fucking you."

"Only if you take off those pants first." He'd barely finished speaking before Cadel had released him to drag down Everest's pants. "I can undress myself."

"Fine." Cadel rolled onto his back and shoved off his pants.

Everest shimmied out of his pants and rolled onto his back. His dick slapped his belly, waiting for attention.

Cadel propped himself up on one elbow and paused to let his gaze drift over Everest, and for a heartbeat, he thought Cadel might go in for a lick. Though perhaps Cadel thought it was too soon to be putting another man's dick in his mouth and tasting his cum, because he didn't. But he didn't move over him either.

He rubbed his cheek over Everest's pec and licked his nipple before biting down gently. Everest sucked in a breath, his back arching, wanting more, but Cadel was already moving on. He was so used to demanding that allowing someone else to take their time with him, to kiss him everywhere, was…terrifying and exciting.

Cadel worked his way up Everest's throat with little kisses as he slowly moved to line up their hips until they were pressed together. They were too close for Everest to get his hand between, but maybe he didn't need to because when Cadel rolled his hips, the length of his cock slid against Everest's in a way that might be enough.

Everest smoothed his hands over Cadel's back, over his ass, and gripped his hips. Watching the way he moved and breathing in the scent of lust on his skin, he didn't want to be anywhere else.

"Am I doing it wrong?" Cadel murmured against Everest's lips.

"No, I want to touch you." He wanted to lose himself in Cadel. In this moment. This wasn't about control and keeping people away. It wasn't even about convenience. But he wasn't ready to admit what it was because he had spent far too long making sure no one ever got close.

How had Cadel done it?

How had he not realized what was happening?

This wasn't going to end well.

Cadel stopped, noticing something had changed.

"Let me slide my hand in there." Everest pushed as much carefree sultriness as he could into those words, and he tasted the lie on his lips because he did care.

Which was bloody stupid and dangerous.

Lovers betrayed him.

He teetered on the edge of falling into the past again, of reliving every painful part. It would be so much easier to let go .

Cadel kissed him and lifted his hips. It was enough to keep him there. But the noise in his head grew louder. It wasn't only one lifetime clamoring for his attention; every door he'd opened in his mind added to the chaos. He didn't know how to shut them and keep them closed. Because he'd gone through and closed them, and now, the doors were banging against the frames, and his past was yelling answers to questions that he hadn't asked.

"Are you here?"

"Yes." For how much longer would he be able to answer that question? It was all falling apart too fast, and he wasn't done. He concentrated on the way Cadel's lips moved, the solid beating of his heart, and the places they were connected. He wrapped his hand around them both.

Cadel grunted and fucked his fist, unable to hold back. "Fuck. If you keep doing that, I'll come."

"That's the point." He swept his thumb over the slick head of Cadel's cock. "I want to see you come."

"Is that an order?"

"Do you want it to be one?"

His hips stuttered as he considered the question. "Maybe?"

"That's a no."

Pre-cum dripped onto his belly, and he didn't know if it was Cadel's or his. He didn't care. He wanted to come, but he didn't want to be first.

Cadel glanced between them, watching. "Why the fuck does that feel so good?"

"Because I know what I'm doing, and you showed me what you liked."

Cadel's scent sharpened. Then he stilled, spilling over Everest's hand and cock. He lowered his head, his cheek resting against Everest's and his breath sweeping over his skin. Everest used the cum to slick each stroke .

With a growl, Cadel pushed up and batted Everest's hand away, replacing it with his own.

That was unexpected. But the view of Cadel kneeling over his thigh, jerking him off, was so much better. He wasn't sure if he should watch the hand, the body, or the face, because Cadel was staring at Everest's cock, concentrating as if he could somehow fuck up a hand job.

It was so cute.

Everest bit his lip, hips moving as he watched Cadel's face. Cadel glanced up, and the heat in his eyes undid him. Hot cum splashed on his belly and dripped off Cadel's hand.

He looked at it, unsure what to do. Everest pushed himself up, grabbed Cadel's sticky hand, and licked his fingers, never once breaking eye contact.

Cadel's lips parted.

Everest didn't say anything, though if Cadel wanted to lick his belly clean, he wouldn't stop him. From the way Cadel glanced at the mess, he was tempted.

He lifted his gaze and murmured, "Why don't I fetch a cloth?"

Everest released Cadel's now clean hand. "Good idea."

Because he did not like waking up flaky and itchy.

Cadel studied him for a couple of heartbeats. "How are you feeling?"

Everest smirked. "I should be asking you that."

"Like I've crossed a dozen lines." Cadel stepped off the bed.

"I'm sure it wasn't a dozen." Everest watched his ass as he made his way to the bathroom.

Water ran, and it seemed like minutes before Cadel returned. "You're right. It was more like half a dozen."

"Were you counting them?"

"I was cleaning up." He held the cloth in his hand. "Did you want me to… "

Everest considered him for a moment, and then he held out his hand. "I can do it."

He hesitated for a heartbeat, then handed over the cloth.

Everest wanted to know what he'd been going to say. Then he remembered this conversation wasn't private. Whereas before, they'd been whispering, now they talked loud enough for a shifter to overhear.

Everest wiped his belly, then he got up to return it to the bathroom. His previous lives were faint flickers, a glimpse of a shadow that vanished when he turned. He could do this.

He'd have eyes on Olier tomorrow.

He was almost done.

He rested his hands on the vanity. But where he'd expected there to be relief, there was only a kind of hollowness that he was almost done. He'd complete the mission, but he wouldn't experience the reward. By the time he hatched, it would be something no one cared about anymore. And Cadel would be an old man.

That hurt far more than it had any right to.

He had no claim on Cadel, and he didn't want one.

Because he didn't want to be burned. The man in the mirror glared back at him, flames flickering in his eyes as he readied to destroy the world.

Or just himself.

Somewhere within him were the echoes of soul bruises he believed long healed. Or hadn't realized they'd even existed. He hung his head. What did humans say? That the mind suppressed trauma? What would they say about his mind when he'd suppressed trauma for centuries, millennia?

He had drama that was so old, it had become part of who he was, and if it was pulled away, he might fall apart like a building propped up only by scaffolding.

Was there a reason they had used mind readers in the past ?

Memory reader, that's what he'd called the witch. Not a mind reader, but the same magic. It hadn't been only to pass on knowledge and to find solutions; it had been to unpack and heal the damage that living for so long did. He'd seen the consequences in Dalmon after sending his fated mate away. The way he lost himself in his work and became cold and aloof.

The memory of Dalmon wasting away after banishing his mate surfaced. He'd effectively killed himself because he couldn't face the betrayal of his mate. That wound had echoed across the centuries, with all of them forgetting at some point because they didn't read each other's books. That needed to change.

A single knock on the door made his head snap up.

Then Cadel walked towards him. "You've been in here fifteen minutes."

Everest swore, the words rolling off his tongue before he realized it wasn't a language he'd ever spoken in this life. "I was thinking," he said carefully.

Cadel wrapped his arm around him and kissed the top of his head. A gesture that was so weirdly intimate, Everest didn't know what to do. Did his bodyguard care about him?

For half a second, he wanted to push him away and make some caustic remark. But the words didn't form in any language. Maybe he got to heal two wounds this time. Though he wasn't sure that a few days of love was enough to make up for the centuries without.