29 Austin

Austin

“I’m still not eager to talk about it,” I told Remy, though he had no clue what the fuck I was talking about since I’d basically just started up a conversation out of nowhere.

My eyes were glued to the fire pit in the backyard of Reed’s safe house. It was cool here, but not as cold as back in Nebraska. The fire helped to fend off that late-night chill.

He didn’t say anything, so I decided to keep going. Apparently, I had shit I needed to get off my chest.

“I wish...” I pulled in a lungful of crisp air and tried again.“I wish my father never existed. I wish it had never happened.” I gave a sharp shake of my head, knowing I sounded as smooth as the words were coming to me in my head. “But Ford makes me feel like it would be okay if I did want to talk about it.”

“That’s good,” he said, staring at me cautiously.

Okay, so just because he was the one I was closest to, didn’t mean that we really talked. Not like this, where I approached him and wanted to sit down and have some beers. Not when it was my issues I was working out.

Actually, I was surprised when he nodded and then followed me out here twenty minutes ago. It had taken me a while to get to this point, but I’d done it. I’d broken the awkward silence.

“Life’s a lot easier when we have people we trust. People who we know will be there no matter what,” he went on. “People who will accept us… for who we are.”

“Yeah,” I agreed with a frown. His last statement struck me as odd. “What do you mean by that?”

“What?” he asked, quickly taking a gulp of beer.

“The last part. What about me is odd enough for you to say that exact thing.”

“I didn’t mean anything by it.” His lips twisted to the side. I was making him uncomfortable. I should have just drank the beer in silence and appreciated a strong, non-verbal male bonding moment for just that.

“I think you’re right, though,” I said, clearly needing the talking kind of bonding moment.

“I’m not pushing you to talk, Aust—”

“I know. I’m just talking. If you want me to shut up, you’re going to have to say those words exactly. Until then, you’re gonna help me figure some shit out. Because I need a best friend, and I’ve decided you’re gonna be it.”

He snorted into his beer, his lips twitching behind the rim and he stared at me over the top of the glass with a twinkle in his eyes.

“Did you always know that you like guys?” I asked, turning my focus to the fire.

“Yeah,” he said. He shifted in the chair, but the way he moved made me think it was more to get pressure off of his prosthetic leg than because he was uncomfortable with my question. “Figured it out pretty early on. But that might not be everyone. We each have our own experiences, and the world around us also helps to shape what we see… or don’t see. Or… you know, sometimes it isn’t until later that it just clicks.”

“So what if I said that I never felt attraction toward anyone before?” I took a sip of my beer, hoping that he couldn’t see how my hand was shaking a little. It wasn’t so much the subject matter, I didn’t think. I didn’t have a problem figuring out what was going on with me. It was more the whole talking and opening up part. I was still getting used to it. But if I didn’t push myself, I’d never grow.

The door to the house behind us clicked. I turned my head, looking over my shoulder to see Jameson standing there. His eyes went from me to Remy and back again. I wasn’t sure I liked the way he cocked his head and stared me down.

“Wanna sit?” I asked, feeling hopeful and extremely vulnerable. I was like a damn puppy when it came to Jameson, and he was the old grumpy dog. I think all I ever wanted was his approval. For him to like me. It was kinda pathetic, and I realized that.

He grunted and moved around to sit on the chair next to me.

I went silent for a moment as the three of us awkwardly stared at the fire pit.

“I’ve never been attracted to anyone,” I blurted out, my eyes locked hard on the dancing flames of the fire like it was the most exciting thing I’d ever seen in my life. “At first, I thought it was just because I didn’t want to be…” Fuck. Talking about this was going to require a lot more opening up. “My father is the—”

“I know,” Jameson said, then pointed to Remy. “Guessing he does too, since he looks slightly uncomfortable.”

“Not uncomfortable,” Remy argued with a furrowed brow. “I just know this is a big moment and I don’t want to fuck it up. He needs me and I’ve been waiting for a moment like this for a while.”

I blinked at Remy for a minute. Then a laugh bubbled up out of my throat, and I couldn’t stop it if I wanted to. Once it died down, I still held a wide smile on my face.

“I didn’t expect that,” I said honestly.

Remy shrugged, but there was a slight smile on his face.

“Okay, so no in-depth backstory needed?” I clarified.

Jameson shook his head and I felt this huge relief in both of them knowing my past. Which I didn’t think I would have. Before this, I certainly wouldn’t have.

“After my girlfriend… well, I shoved everything down. I swore I wasn’t going to ever let someone into my life again because I felt responsible for what happened to her. I didn’t think I deserved to have the love of another person.” I swallowed thickly before remembering I had a beer in my hand. The glass was cold against my lips, keeping me in the moment as I took a swallow. “But I think I’ve recently figured out that I… uh, not real sure how to say this. I don’t even think it makes sense to me. And I don’t know if you guys can help me or if you’ll just think I’m crazy—”

“Austin,” Jameson nearly barked. “Just spit it out.”

My brow furrowed.

“I don’t think I’ve ever really felt attraction before,” I said, then huffed like an aggravated teen. But it did feel good to say out loud. It would probably feel a lot better if one of them would say something.

“Before? Are you saying you feel it now?” Remy asked.

“Well, yeah. I feel things toward Ford.” I looked at Jameson, my lips spreading into a cocky grin. It was like I couldn’t stop myself. “I get that bodyguard thing now. Fuckin’ hot, right?”

He scowled at me. Yeah, he saw right through that shit. But I was me, and he was him, and we wouldn’t be us if I didn’t try to get under his skin a little while he pretended to be aggravated by it.

Even if it left me feeling a little guilty when what I said sunk in. Nick had been in real danger when Jameson and I had been put on watch duty for the movie star. And now Ford’s life was in real danger. So, yeah, I suddenly got it in a way I hadn’t before.

Fuck, I’d almost lost Ford last night. Had it really been only twenty-four hours since they had come to my home and attacked us? Shit. The last two weeks had felt like the longest couple of weeks in the history of my life, and that was saying something.

The thought that he could have been killed made me want to throw up.

“Sorry,” I mumbled to Jameson. I made light of things because that was the way I dealt with and avoided deep feelings, but now, it was hard to ignore the sour taste in the back of my throat over doing it.

Maybe it was time for a new era. Time to change this… slightly toxic relationship Jameson and I had.

“Anyway, so I never really thought about all this stuff before, ya know?” I went on. “I had a girlfriend and when we were together in an intimate sense, it was okay. I didn’t hate it, so I figured that was how it was supposed to be. I loved her… but now I realize it was more of a tame kind of love. I feel like an asshole saying this… but I don’t think I was ever in love with her.”

I took a minute to reflect on this. To silently send words up to the Heavens to her saying how sorry I was. Sorry that I couldn’t love her the way she deserved to be loved. Sorry she never got the chance to find someone who would love her the right way. Sorry that I hadn’t been able to save her from what she’d had to go through.

Wetness collected in my eyes, spilling out and running down my face. I lifted my hand to wipe the wet tracks away from my cheeks, but I wasn’t ashamed of the tears I was shedding or the fact that Jameson and Remy were witnessing it. I finally realized that I deserved to cry. I deserved to feel things and should let myself release all this shit I’d been holding in for so fucking long.

Remy’s hand fell heavy on my shoulder and he gave me a good squeeze.

I swallowed hard and nodded as I worked on putting myself back together.

“Listen,” I said after clearing my throat. “I just never thought of it before. Then I didn’t want to think about it.” I huffed out a breath. “Now I’m just confused. What does this mean? Did Reed see something in me that I couldn’t even see?”

Jameson snorted, and when I looked over at Remy, he had an odd smile on his face.

I guess Reed did see something. Did he have some kind of LGBTQIA+ crystal ball or something? Is that why he’d picked me?

“I think Reed tends to gravitate toward people who need this the most. The team, I mean. The job and the security of being with people they can feel safe around,” Jameson said.

“This little found family,” Remy said. “We’re teammates, but we’re also brothers.”

“Yeah, exactly,” Jameson said like Remy had put it perfectly. Then he rolled his eyes and shook his head. Couldn’t get too mushy here. “I’m Bi. Always known it. Always accepted it. When I married Kelly—” I opened my mouth to ask what the hell he was talking about— because… married?!— but he stopped me with a hand in the air. “I knew she was it for me. I loved her with everything I had in me. I didn’t need anyone or anything else because she gave me everything I needed. Then she died, and I swore I’d never let anyone in again. I only slept with men casually because, as stupid as it was, I never wanted another woman to take a piece of me. I wanted to keep them all for her.” He took a deep breath. “Then I went and fell for Nick.”

“Fucked your plan up real bad, didn’t it?” I teased, no asshole tone in there.

“Yep,” Jameson said, but there was no regret in his tone. Actually, I would have sworn I heard a smile in that one word, even though his face was blank.

“You could need a deeper connection,” Remy said. When I looked over at him, he gave a little half shrug, like it wasn’t that big of a deal. Like there was a perfectly good explanation for how I was. “Maybe you’re demisexual.”

“Demi… sexual?” I stared at him like he was talking a different language.

“I’m no expert, but I think it means you have to know someone to feel attraction toward them. It’s based more on an emotional connection,” Remy said. “Maybe you should do some research on it. You know, see if that feels right to you?”

“Okay, yeah. I mean, that kinda sounds right. My heart didn’t start fluttering all weird until after I began noticing little pieces of him. Hearing his stories. Being around him constantly for days. Seeing how he cares about people.” Until I learned who the man behind the badge was. “And I totally have lusty eyes for him now.” My cheeks went a little pink as I admitted it. “So, since I’m attracted to him, does that mean I’m gay?”

Remy’s cheeks puffed out and he slowly released a long breath.

“I can’t answer that for you,” Remy said.

I looked to Jameson.

“Means you got some queer in you,” he said, and I would have sworn his lips tipped up in a ghost of a smile.

“Maybe I’m just Fordsexual,” I said, then busted out laughing. Remy laughed with me, and I felt Jameson chuckling on the inside.

That was ridiculous on so many levels. But I had to admit it was kind of cute too… and it felt right. I think that was one best kept to this circle.

“I’m just kidding,” I said. “I feel like you should welcome me to the club or something.”

“That’s about all of the Austin I can take for today,” Jameson said as he began to rise.

Remy chuckled under his breath.

“Sit,” I said practically pushing him back in the chair. “I’ll stop.” I pressed my lips in a thin line and mimed zipping it.

Jameson stayed. I managed to be quiet for five minutes, but I tried my hardest not to purposely annoy him for the rest of the night.

Once my beer was done, all I could think about was heading back inside to find Ford. With any luck, I’d find him waiting in bed for me.

I hoped he didn’t see me as needy. I didn’t want to smother him, but all I could think about was being near him all the time.

Was this obsession? Possession? The start of something toxic and unhealthy? Or was it because I had all these new things blooming in my life and I wanted to hold onto them— hold on to Ford?

I pushed to my feet.

“Thanks, guys. This has been really helpful,” I said, feeling much lighter than I had when I first walked out here.