27. Grace

Chapter 27

Grace

"Are you awake up there?" Elijah whispered from the bottom bunk.

I dropped from the top and he scooted over. It was a tight fit, two sixteen-year-old boys on a twin mattress, shoulder-to-shoulder, hip-to-hip.

"Where do you think we should apply?" he asked. Our guidance counselor was pressuring us to narrow down our college application list.

I didn't know what I wanted to study, just that I wanted a school big enough for privacy. Growing up in a small town with a Pastor father and three brothers, everybody knew ‘those Heywood boys' without giving me a chance to decide who I was for myself.

"Nanna …" I let out a long sigh. Her memory was faltering. We didn't know how much time we had left.

"So, SUNY?" he asked, meaning the state college in Plattsburgh, only a twenty-minute drive home and fifteen from Nanna's nursing home.

"Except …" If we stayed in town, Dad would expect us at church every Sunday, maybe to live at home to save money. Neither of us could stay under his constant scrutiny for another four years.

We sighed in unison.

"What about Syracuse?" I asked, since that's where Isaac went.

"Definitely. What about the University of Vermont?" he asked, surprising me since I hadn't considered leaving New York. "Burlington is only an hour drive around Lake Champlain, and we could learn to ski."

"You know I'm scared of heights," I said.

"You're braver than you think."

"Of course I am," I said, sounding more confident than I felt. "I'm the one who jumped."

We'd been playing superheroes when we were six, and Levi dared us to climb the tree high enough that if we jumped off, we could fly. Elijah had climbed down, but I'd leaped into Isaac's arms.

"What about Skidmore?" he said. "I've heard Saratoga Springs is beautiful."

I shrugged. I hadn't even heard of it.

"What about Clarkson or RPI?" I whispered. Elijah had the science grades to get into the elite engineering schools. I didn't. "I've heard —"

"Stop it," he said. :I told you, I'm not going to engineering school. I'm not going anywhere without you. Final."

He knew what I was trying to do. Elijah had big dreams to travel the world, whereas my dreams were simpler: a big house full of family. I worried he would choose a school he hated so we could go together and then resent me.

He deserved a bigger, richer life without me holding him back.

"Promise me," I said, rolling to face him and holding out my pinkie. "If we go to the same school, promise me you'll study abroad." Promise me you'll go without me.

He shifted so we were lined up nose-to-nose like a mirror. "Only if you promise we'll talk every week, and you'll be waiting at the airport when I come home."

"Where else would I be?"

He hooked his pinkie around mine and we both kissed our thumbs. Before he let go, he recited his favorite Scripture passage from the book of Ruth, "Don't urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God."

Somehow even in this drafty attic, I woke up sweaty from Alex's chest against my back and his arm slung over me under layers of blankets. He'd dragged me so close that we were huddled onto his twin mattress, shoulder-to-shoulder, hip-to-hip. Stifled by insulated heat and dormant memories, I slid out of our makeshift king, grabbed my clothes, and headed for the shower to get my head on straight.

I hadn't lied to Mallory in the truck yesterday; I hadn't expected to like him this much. Sure, I'd been attracted to him right away, but he kept surprising me: the apple slicing, the apology burritos, the movie cuddles, the detailed notes. He was the perfect Snickerdoodle: crispy outside, soft inside.

When he came upstairs last night, I shelved my tendency to overthink and embraced Mallory's advice: ‘Have fun, be safe, guard your heart, and don't expect forever.' I tried to keep things casual: teasing him with a silly Christmas song, purposely not kissing him, then offering a blowjob without expecting anything in return. What guy says no to that?

Then he'd stopped, right on the verge. ‘You first, darling, please.' He'd come prepared with lube, pausing so I could get there. And when I hadn't been able to hold back my moans, he hadn't just muffled me. No, his desperate kisses didn't stop even after he came.

How was I supposed to stay casual when he acted like that?

But he knew how to keep it casual, I guess. He'd called sex ‘utilitarian.' He'd made me promise not to fall in love with him as if he'd foreseen this exact circumstance. Had he been burned before by women who shared his bed and expected him to share his heart?

After drying off and getting dressed, I went to the kitchen, where Helen was flipping pancakes. Tears sprang to her eyes and she left the stove to wrap me in her arms and whisper, "Thank you."

"For what?"

"Last night, we heard you two," I felt a wave of horror at which moans and gasps may have carried, "laughing."

Oh thank God.

"I haven't heard Alex's laugh in so long, I was starting to wonder if he still could. I've been worried about the two of you, how it will …" she squeezed me tighter. "His laugh was the best Christmas present a mother could ask for. "

Mallory entered and pried me out of Helen's embrace. Kate styled Mal's hair into two braids to keep it away from her face under her helmet on the slopes, then gestured for me next.

Alex's shadow darkened the door frame. I caught a half-second hesitation before he confidently crossed the room, brushed his lips along my temple, tugged on the finished braid, and said, "Very cute, darling," before continuing towards the coffeemaker.

Kate's hands froze in my hair. Helen's eyebrows shot up. Mallory's gaze flew over my shoulder to Kate as she mouthed, ‘Darling?'

Mallory recovered first. "This isn't kindergarten, you shouldn't pull on a girl's braids."

"How else will she know that I like her?" he grinned, then faked out Mallory to tug on hers before swooping in to grab a pancake instead. "Let's go, slowpoke!" he yelled while exiting the kitchen. Always the competitor, Mallory chased, ready to jump on his back like a monkey to slow him down.

Kate secured my second braid and then leaned close so Helen couldn't hear. "He's way more pleasant when he gets laid." I flushed to my hairline, which she took as confirmation. "Have fun today. Don't fall too hard."

Pretty sure she wasn't talking about skiing.

At the mountain, after teasing Alex about whether they took AARP for his day pass on the blue square trails, Mallory left us for the black diamonds.

As the ski lift ascended, heat ignited where our thighs touched until we arrived at the summit. The snow crunched beneath my boots as he wrapped an arm around my waist and we joined the eager lineup. We shuffled forward in line and I tightened my bindings, then appreciated the breathtaking panorama, the snow-draped peaks lit by the morning sun.

Last year with Bruce, I'd been a nervous wreck about glimpsing a member of my estranged family, afraid that I'd be recognized and outed. This year, on this same trail, I still scanned faces … but instead of fearing my brothers' tall, lean frames and hazel eyes, I felt curious.

What if I looked so different that they overlooked me?

Or what if they recognized me, and I looked happy ?

What if they finally saw their sister, tucked under the arm of the hottest man on the mountain? That would be the ultimate comeuppance: to prove that I could find somebody who knew who I was and still wanted me.

Even if it was only for a few days.

As I looked above the ski trails, a hawk soared over the snow-capped Adirondacks. The sun warmed my face and a breeze caressed my skin.

Pressure formed in my chest. My poles weren't sturdy enough to grip tightly. I tried to breathe deeper but the air felt too cold in my lungs.

My vision blurred … then I wasn't on the mountain anymore.

"It's too high up here," I said, biting my fingernail. The ground spun as I looked down from the top branch. "I want to get down."

"Is that a bald eagle?" Elijah asked from the next branch over.

I squinted. It was too small for an eagle. "No, red-tailed hawk."

I made a face at him, like, ‘How could you get those confused?' He grinned, that goofy look that told me that he knew it was a hawk but he was trying to take my mind off my fear of heights. His distraction worked: the fiery foliage stretched out in all directions, the nearby Adirondacks peaks dusted with snow. Elijah took a deep breath and I followed his lead.

I always follow his lead, just like Batman and Robin: Elijah was strong and I backed him up .. which is how we found ourselves in this tree.

"Are you two stuck up there like widdle kittens?" a taunt echoed from below. "Need me to call the fire department to get the babies down?"

I tightened my hold around the branch. Elijah snapped, "Shut up, Levi."

"I didn't think Maya would even make it halfway."

I shrank as Elijah's nostrils flared. He shouted, "Don't call him that."

Levi's chest puffed. "How are you gonna stop me from up there?"

Elijah shifted to descend, ready to force Levi to apologize. As he rushed down, the tree branches tilted. A gust of wind blew, leaves abandoning their posts to fall to the ground.

From the house, a strong voice yelled my name in concern. Isaac sprinted across the yard, covering the distance in record time, just as Elijah leaped down from the bottom branch and tackled Levi, the two of them a heap on the ground wailing on each other.

Isaac pulled his brothers apart with practiced ease, holding each by the scruff of their collars, and scowled. "Talk."

"Levi dared us to climb up, so we could jump between trees like Batman."

Isaac's head swiveled. "Seriously, Levi? They're seven."

"I climbed it at their age," Levi skulked, like twelve was so old, especially compared to Isaac, who was practically a grown-up at fifteen.

Elijah whined defensively, "We're not babies! We got up there just fine!"

"It's not getting up that I'm worried about," Isaac muttered.

"Can you hear me, darling?" A deep voice rumbled across the mountains. "It's your — it's Alexander. It's two days after Christmas. You're safe."

"You alright up there?"

"Of course he's not, the sissy," Levi taunted.

From above, I watched Isaac grab the collar of Levi's shirt and snarl, "Shut your mouth, I'll deal with you later." He shoved him in the direction of the house. Levi trampled away instead of staying to watch me panic.

Isaac hollered up. "Can you climb down on your own?"

I moved down a branch, heard a splintering sound, and quickly leaned back into the trunk, pulse pounding in my ears.

"You have two choices, buddy: climb down, or jump and I'll catch you."

"You're on Whiteface Mountain, sweetheart, in Lake Placid. It's perfect skiing conditions: sunny but not too windy. Can you open your eyes?"

I closed my eyes, which just made the wind feel stronger. Isaac was tall, but not nearly tall enough to reach the top of the tree.

"You can't stay up there forever," Isaac barked. "Climb or jump?"

"What if I fall?" I asked, hating how small my voice sounded.

"Falling could happen either way," Isaac said. "Whatever happens, we'll figure it out together, ok kiddo?"

I nodded. My feet were numb from standing in the tree.

"Can you feel the bench beneath you? What about the snow under your feet? Try to wiggle your toes. I'm going to unclip your skis, ok? You might feel some light pressure on top of your boots. "

"How do I know if it's safe to jump?" I asked, my voice trembling.

My big brother stood below the tree, arms outstretched. "I guess you have to decide whether you'd rather do it alone, or if you trust me to catch you."

I took a ragged breath and looked at the tree limbs — too many to count, too scary to go it alone. I met Isaac's steady gaze, his hazel eyes locked on mine.

"I got you, buddy," he said, taking two steps back. When he nodded, I leaped.

"I'm here, darling. It's Alex. You're not alone. Nothing bad is happening."

Landing in Isaac's outstretched arms, he dropped to the ground and took the brunt of my weight. After we both took rough breaths, Isaac transferred me gently into the grass and brushed a stray leaf off my face.

"Can you open your eyes? It might be a little bright, because the sun —"

My eyelids flickered open. My lung expanded with a giant breath of cold, crisp air. The stunning snow was blinding, but a few blinks revealed concerned blue eyes with long dark lashes.

His scowling mouth tilted up. "Welcome back, darling, I'm your —"

"Alex," I breathed, burying my head in his neck. "You're here."

"Of course I'm here," he said, his hands running circles over my back.

I took four steadying breaths, timing my inhales to his heartbeat. We were on a heated bench. In the distance a ski lift carried passengers up the mountain.

"I've been here before," I said in a daze.

"You came here last year," he said, "with my dad. I mean, um, Bruce."

For a flash, I saw Bruce's face overlaid on Alex's, sitting with me on this bench: same lopsided smile, more silver hair, deeper laugh lines.

Alex tugged each finger to slide off his glove, then brushed my tears away with his thumb. He rifled around his ski jacket's inner pocket and pulled out a granola bar, tearing open the wrapper. Layers of memories peeled back into the present. He sat with me, his arm behind me on the bench as the ski lift rose.

After six groups ascended, I told Alex about my memory: Elijah's hawk, Levi's teasing, Isaac's rescue. He put the crumpled wrapper in his pocket and said quietly, "I think I'd like Isaac."

My chest constricted at a vision of them meeting in my parents' kitchen: both protective and scowling before slowly warming up.

I spoke around the lump in my throat. "I think he'd like you. "

"Do you want to go home to the cabin?" he asked. "We can go in the hot tub if you're up to it. I'm sure Mom would make hot chocolate, and Kate could spike it."

I saw two paths in front of me, as clear as the trail map signs.

One: I could climb down. I could be safe and guard my heart like Mallory suggested. I could let fear make the decision, a gazelle escaping a perceived threat.

Or two: I could take the lift back up, press off, and careen down the precipice, even when I knew the end would come too quickly.

Whether I climbed down or jumped, I might fall and get hurt.

But at least for today, I knew who would be waiting at the bottom.

We skied for hours. Sometimes I went first and he'd try to catch up. Most times I followed in his path, maneuvering through the twists and turns, pushing my limits to feel the exhilarating rush of wind against my face.

After several runs, the adrenaline caught up to me and I couldn't resist any longer. I was tired of holding back. Tired of trying to guard my heart. Tired of worrying about what would happen when he got on that plane in five days. I knew I was careening headfirst into heartbreak, and yet, I couldn't prevent myself from falling.

At the bottom of the trail he waited, chest heaving and face flushed. When he saw me turn the corner, he lifted his ski goggles to rest on his helmet as his eyes crinkled. I did the same, pulling my balaclava ski mask from my mouth to rest on my neck.

Gliding towards him, I tugged down his mask, seized the front of his coat with my gloved hands and pulled his mouth to mine, letting my heart lead, pouring my decision into actions that I refused to articulate.

His lips were cold and tight with surprise, but they yielded as I pressed myself against him, fingers curling into the fabric of his jacket. His mouth was sweet and inviting, a tantalizing blend of mint and desire. The rapid thumping of his heart reverberated through the layers of our jackets.

"Ok, I'm in," I whispered, pulling back to see his reaction. "I'll take whatever time you can give me."

A slow smile started in Alexander's eyes, gradually spreading across his face like the sun breaking through the clouds. It illuminated every corner, mirroring the radiant snow-covered mountain. I froze, captivated by the dazzling whiteness of his teeth, reflecting off the pristine snow, almost blinding in its intensity. His usual smirks and grins paled in comparison to the brilliance that lit up his face.

A smile. A real smile, without any smugness or restraint.

I thought the crooked grin was sexy, but this left it in the dust.

Until it was replaced by confusion.

"What?" he asked, masking his discomfort at my awestruck expression by wiping a hand under his nose. "Do I have snot on my face or something?"

"I was right at the tree farm," I breathed, still reeling. "When you smile, really smile, it's irresistible."

He seemed taken aback, surprise flickering. "This is the first time I've been happy in years."

He pressed his lips to mine again as his low, husky groan reverberated, a primal sound that fueled my desire.

"Hey! Clear the path!" A skier's voice cried from uncomfortably close. His companion chimed in, "Get a room!"

Alex efficiently unclasped our shoe clips, stepping out of his skis and nudging me to do the same. With a mischievous glint in his eyes, he gathered our equipment, hand sliding down to interlace our fingers. "I think we should follow their advice."

"Clear the path?"

"No," he smirked. "Get a room."