Hunter

HUNTER

"And how's the lamb today?" I asked Sophia in a low voice, trying not to let my voice carry over the sound of the nearby conversation.

The butcher's assistant glanced over at her boss and smiled. "It's on sale if you'd like some."

Right…I knew what that meant. "Mmm, I'll think about it. I have company right now, and now that I think about it, I know he can be a little weird about new food, and he's never had lamb before."

That was a downright lie. It was easily Kai's favorite meat. But Sophia had never led me astray on cuts of meat. If she told me it was on sale, they were trying to get it out of the shop as quickly as possible before they couldn't sell it.

"Well, we'll have a new order in on Tuesday," she said with a shrug. "Maybe check with him and come back for it."

"A good idea. I'll stick to something reliable. How about a nice steak?"

"What cut?"

"Sophia, we've been over this. I trust your judgment. I'm going home to make it the most basic way possible."

"Uh-huh, and what's basic to you?"

"Butter, garlic, rosemary, and a little red wine in the pan for a reduction."

"You and most people I know have very different ideas about basic."

I laughed. "You grab me something good, would you?"

"Of course," she said, bending down to grab the meat for me. "And what's this about having someone over? You've been cooking for yourself for a while now."

"An old friend just got out of the military for good, and he's staying with me for a while."

"Oh? Needs help to get back on his feet?"

"No, not really. But it would be nice, you know, to have someone around. And Kai is just the person."

"Oh really now?" she asked curiously as she wrapped the food.

"Not like that ," I told her in a stern voice. "Don't you start."

"Oh, fine. I won't pry," she said in a voice that said she would dearly love to pry as much information out of me as possible. Everyone in the neighborhood knew something awful had happened to me, and not just Lucas being murdered. They also knew there were a lot of questionable things around the investigation and that, despite initially trying to make sure the law came down hard, I eventually stopped talking about it and tried to get my life together instead.

"Although," she said as she turned around and slapped the bag on the counter before me, "if you wanted to talk about how you've apparently been seen walking around with an absolute hunk of a man."

"I know it probably gets confusing, working in a butcher shop, but people are not cuts of meat to evaluate," I told her with a shake of my head. "He's a very good friend. We've known each other since we were kids. And I like having him around."

"Hmm, from what I saw, I wouldn't mind having him around either," she said, raising a brow.

"Oh my God, just charge me so I can pretend you're not talking about my friend like this," I said with a groan.

Not that I necessarily blamed her or anyone else. From the moment I considered guys attractive, Kai had been at the top of my list. That was, of course, a problem since he was my best friend and a guy who….well, for all I or anyone else could tell, wasn't interested in many people sexually or romantically.

I knew he'd had a couple of girlfriends in the past. I knew he'd done short-term affairs after what could only be called a disastrous attempt at a ‘real' girlfriend after boot camp. I still didn't know the details, but I knew it had left a mark on him. After that, even though he'd mentioned he was seeing someone, it would always, without fail, be over within a month or two.

And guys? Non-existent. He'd never so much as looked at a guy with interest and the only guys he'd brought up were his buddies in the service. So there I was, one of the biggest cliches in existence, a gay man who had feelings for his straight best friend. All those years of fantasizing, dreaming, trying to look for a clue that I was wrong, and now? Well, now he was the only living lifeline I had tying me to sanity, even more so now he was here.

After dodging any more of Sophia's questions, I left the butcher shop and made my way to the grocery store. It was more like a grocery hole in the wall, but I liked its cramped aisles and select items that were slightly more expensive than going to a chain. The old couple who ran it were some of the nicest people, and I always tried to drop money there.

"Evening, Rose," I said after I found what I needed and set it on the counter. "And what scandalous book are you reading this time?"

Rose chuckled, setting her book aside, and I could see the shirtless man with glowing eyes and unnaturally white hair on the cover. "Fey Lords falling in love with a young, feisty girl who reminds me of myself."

"Well, I suppose that's one way to enjoy yourself," I said with a chuckle as she rang everything up. "As long as it makes you happy. Speaking of, how's your Fey Lord doing?"

"Fey Lord? I married an old goat," she said fondly as she bagged everything. "And he's out tending the garden like I told him to do two hours ago. And I bet I'll find him napping in a chair when I go to see how he's doing."

"Well, it is a pretty nice day," I said, glancing out the window with a smile. "Perfect for a nap in the sun."

"Oh, it's nice to see you smile," she said with a wink as I paid for the groceries. "Something special going on? Or just another day being surrounded by miniature devils."

"You say that, but I happen to know you leave food out for the neighborhood strays."

"Pish posh, I would never do such a thing."

"Just like you'd never dream of being carried off by a Fey Lord for a forced marriage?"

"Now that's completely different."

I laughed. "Alright, well, you enjoy that book. Try not to come down too hard on the old goat."

"I make no promises!" she called after me before I stepped back out into the sun.

For the first time in over two years, I smiled as I gazed at the neighborhood, taking in its sights. When Lucas and I first moved to this side of town after the café had started doing well, it felt like there was rarely a day I wasn't happy at the sight. There were nicer places not too far away, but this neighborhood was somewhere I'd fallen in love with almost immediately while walking around the blocks, waiting for the appointment to see the apartments.

It wasn't too far from one of the city's harbors, and you could smell the ocean when it was particularly windy. It was an old part of the city, apparently one of the first built after its founding. It was rough in places and could use repairs in others, but unlike other parts of the city, the people here felt connected rather than simply living in the same place. Little shops stayed in business because people chose them. Although my café was on the border of the upscale neighborhood, that too saw business from local people in support.

The people I had come to know in the couple of years leading up to…to Lucas's death had all been wonderful after he'd been murdered. Nobody asked too many questions, and people tried their best to support me. Rose and Sophia had shown up at my apartment before I'd had the strength to move out to somewhere that wasn't drenched in the memories of my murdered love to bring me food and make sure I was bathing. When I reopened the café, dozens of people from the neighborhood swarmed in to buy a coffee or croissant or stand and talk to me.

It had been nice to be surrounded by the same people I'd locked myself away from through no fault of their own. But how could I have explained that the sight of them made me feel sick? They were essentially pieces of my life with Lucas, and seeing them reminded me of everything I'd lost. With that reminder came the grief that threatened to pull me into the depths where I was afraid I'd drown…or worse.

Sometimes, I felt that ‘worse' thing lurking beneath the surface, in the depths of my mind. I could feel something shifting, moving restlessly beneath. Waiting, not to eat me, but for me to reach down to it. I never had the words for what it was because whenever I felt the dark shadow move, I'd turn away as quickly as I could.

There were moments when I wanted to look down, take a breath, and let the pain, rage, grief, sorrow, and…everything take me over to see what would come of it. To find what the monster was and put a name to it…even if the name was my own.

I chose not to. Nothing had given me a reason to choose otherwise. So I stayed the course and finally let the people back into my life when their faces no longer brought tears to my eyes or a stirring in the shadows of my heart.

I was practically whistling by the time I got back to the café. Seeing Kai again and knowing he would be around for good this time had lightened my step considerably. Eventually, we would have to talk, but that could wait. I still wanted him to know things I couldn't have told him a year ago, but now I had more strength and the ability to move on as best I could.

"Hello, hello," I said as I entered the café through the front, locking the doors behind me before punching in the code for the silent alarm before it alerted the cops. Not that I thought the fuckers would show up, considering I wasn't one of the elite members of the city who could line their sleazy pockets.

"Not today, , not today," I reminded myself as I turned the alarm system back on. I rechecked the doors to ensure they were locked and the metal shutters in the windows before heading toward the back. Just outside my office were the stairs that led up to the space I'd turned into an apartment. I had to unlock that one as well. The heavy-duty lock thunked in the quiet hallway as I twisted the key. The only other way into the stairwell was the small cat door at the bottom, but not even a child could fit through that thing.

I locked that door behind me and headed up toward the next door, which also needed to be unlocked. After almost being taken out by a cat darting from the apartment, I managed to get in and lock the door behind me. Having lived around cats for so long, I could walk down the hallway and drop everything off on the kitchen counter without too much trouble.

"Hey there, Leo," I said to the majestic fluff ball lying on the end of the counter. "I know it's a losing battle, but we talked about this. The counters are for food, not fat kitty asses."

He looked unimpressed by my reminder and continued grooming himself steadily. When I picked him up and set him on the floor, however, he managed to summon the energy to give me an offended look before sauntering off, probably to find somewhere else to lay that would be in someone's way. With him out of the way, however, I could get the groceries put away, sliding the steaks into the microwave to let them sit at room temperature for a while without being eaten by cats.

"Alright, now let's go see if someone's hungry," I said to Tina, sitting on one of the dining room chairs, peering out to watch me intently. She squinted at me, saying she agreed with my decision but wouldn't be the one to follow me in investigating.

I had to use the front door, by the guest room, to go back down. I had never intended to use it after moving in but had still treated it like one. My bedroom was at the opposite end, closer to the kitchen. That way, if anyone managed to get through all the doors, I would still have plenty of warning and time to react to the invasion.

One of a long list of reasons I never intended to use the guest bedroom for a guest. It would have felt like serving them up as a sacrifice to save my skin. That, of course, was before I had my best friend staying there. Kai wasn't talkative about his deployments, but I had picked up enough over the years to know that anyone coming through that door better hope they had the same training and experience in life-or-death combat situations.

The door was left ajar, and I pushed it open gently, pondering how I had a man who I suspected was a highly trained, effective, and experienced killer in my house, and it…didn't bother me. Not just because it was an added layer of protection but because it was Kai. He was nothing like the people I'd grown to fear, who had taught me the true meaning of fear when I thought my childhood had done a good job of that. I had seen him growing up, he could be violent and mean when it was called for, but his true nature was gentler, protective, and a little sweet, if awkward. Maybe my experience had colored my vision in a darker way than most people, but in my heart, I knew that while he was a threat, he wasn't a threat to me.

Which was made all the more apparent when the door opened fully, and I snorted softly at the display before me. I had wondered where all the furry bodies were, and now I had my answer. While I'd been gone, Kai had passed out on his back, limbs sprawled haphazardly. Half a dozen cats had claimed his body, save for the seventh. Clem had taken refuge near his shoulder. His big head lay across Kai's neck.

Seven pairs of eyes peered up at me from the huddle on the bed, and I stood there, crossing my arms and leaning against the doorway to watch them. It was such a contradiction to the rather dark thoughts I'd just been having about him. Kai had always had a way with cats, even if attention from animals confused him. I knew people who were awkward with people but good with animals, but Kai? Kai was consistently awkward.

The clip on my hip brushed against the doorframe when I attempted to back up and let everyone nap in peace. That was all it took for Kai's eyes to flash open, immediately alert and looking around. Once upon a time, I had been worried and confused when he woke with such a sudden start, wondering what could be wrong that he didn't realize he was perfectly safe.

Now? Now, I could only smile sadly in understanding.

"Sorry," I said in a soft voice. "Didn't mean to wake you."

"No, I…" he began and looked around. "What the fuck?"

I chuckled. "There's no place safe from them. Other than the shower, that is….wait, no. Mon likes the shower."

"Mon?" he asked, and I could see from the look of concentration on his face he was pondering how he would get up without risking at least four of five needles in his skin.

"Monroe," I said, not needing to gesture when the tuxedo cat lying on his stomach gave an acknowledging chirrup. "The only cat in the building who genuinely loves water. Will walk into the shower with you if you let him…but I advise closing the stall, if not the bathroom door. He uh…also likes jumping up to hit…dangling things, and isn't the best at controlling his claws when he's excited."

Kai wrinkled his nose. "That doesn't sound like fun."

"It's not."

"So, uh, are you going to help?"

"I'm going to go get the food prep started. If you want to shower, be my guest."

"That's not what I meant."

"Oh, I know."

Smirking, I left him groaning in protest at his predicament. If I knew Kai even half as well as I thought I did, he wasn't worried about getting clawed trying to move the cats. His biggest concern would be whether he could do it without hurting the cats, which I was sure he could manage just fine. The real issue was that he would disturb the animals when they were so comfortable, which would bother him a great deal.

Considering he'd be living with the cats as much as I was, he would have to learn to deal with it, especially when the cats clearly liked having him around. When it came to cats, it was sink or swim when they were in groups and you had to learn to bully them right back.

"Hello again, Leo," I said as I scooped the cat off the counter again and gently tossed him away from the cooking area. I then wiped down the counter to remove any residue from tiny feet before pulling out everything for dinner. I had potatoes cut already and water salted and boiling when Kai finally emerged from the bedroom. "That was an impressively long time to extract yourself."

He gave a heavy yawn, covering his mouth with the back of his hand. "Sorry. Ended up dozing off again."

"Hey, I'm sure you probably need the rest," I told him with a shrug. "So, if you want to nap some more, I can hold off."

"Nah," he said with another yawn, albeit smaller than the last. "If I get too much sleep, I won't wake up right."

"I'm not quite sure what that means."

"It just means when you sleep like shit a lot, you get used to sleeping like shit a lot. You adapt. If I laid down and tried to get a full eight hours, I'd probably still wake up after a few hours. And if I did force it, I would probably sleep long enough for you to wonder if I'd slipped into a coma."

"Oh, gross."

"It'll take a few weeks for my body to realize it can actually sleep for a full eight or whatever. No big deal, I'll nap like I normally do."

It was hard to argue with that. I knew what it was like not to get much sleep. "Alright, well, you do what you have to do. You know best for yourself."

There was a long enough pause after I spoke that I looked up in confusion to see him watching me with an odd look. "What?"

His face shifted to neutral as he shook his head. "It's nothing."

"Kind of looked like something."

"Nah."

"Kai?"

He rubbed at his chest before letting out a sigh. "I just…back in the day, you would have given me shit and fretted over me not sleeping right."

I felt the heavy thump of my heart as the rate picked up, and I realized what he was saying. A lot had changed from when I could live in blissful ignorance. After moving out of my parents' house, I learned to shed the fears and worries of being able to sleep at night without worrying that someone was going to drag me out of bed or wake me up by screaming. That period of peace was gone, however, taken from me by four men with more evil in their hearts than I ever wanted to comprehend.

"Well, I know what it's like to have troubled sleep," I said in the best voice I could manage. I tried to avoid talking about what was going on in my head, but I knew it didn't make sense to do it around Kai. The man not only knew me better than I knew him, but he was damned good at reading people. Plus, he probably knew how to spot the signs of someone who wasn't doing the best mentally.

I could feel the questions behind his eyes, but instead, he just nodded. "I'm going to take that shower now. Anything I should know?"

"Not really," I assured him. "It's pretty simple. No tricks, no fiddling."

"I remember your last apartment," he said with a laugh, his eyes darting to me. "Well, anyway."

I sighed heavily, appreciating his care for me and irritated by his tiptoeing. "Kai?"

"Yeah?"

"You can bring up things that might connect to Lucas, okay? I'm not going to break down because of his memory. It's been two years."

"Is two years enough?"

The bluntness of the question took me more off guard than the question itself, and I stared at him in surprise. After taking a moment to recover, I could only shrug. "It's enough for now. I moved out of our old place because the memories of him, of us, were everywhere and they were too much. I stored his things for a while for the same reason. But look around. I have pictures of us in the café and my living room. I can finally listen to the music he loved, and I pulled his old paintings out of storage and hung them up a few months ago. So yes, it hurts, sometimes it hurts like fucking hell, and I forget how to breathe, but…I'm not drowning anymore. And you, of all people, should know I'm not a fragile flower."

He watched me for several seconds before nodding. "Alright. And just so you know, it doesn't take being a fragile flower to be hurt badly."

"I know that."

"Okay, I'm going to take that shower."

"Then I'll get these potatoes going."

His grunt told me he was perfectly fine with that, and I watched him drift out of the room. For one jarring moment, I realized I could no longer track his movements through the apartment once he was out of the room. I didn't have guests over often, and never for the night, but I suddenly realized I tracked their movements through the house by listening to their footsteps. Except with Kai…there were no footsteps.

I didn't know which was more unsettling, the realization about him or the one about myself. Yet, instead of dwelling, I glanced at the nearby cat sitting on the floor, watching me serenely. "You know, I think that might be why you guys like him so much. Maybe he's just a cat that got mixed up in the factory and turned into a human. What do you think?"

She blinked at me, which I took as a yes, and busied myself with the potatoes. I had sliced them into wedges and only wanted to soften them a bit, not cook them thoroughly. While they did, I prepared the dressing and turned on the stove to be preheated when it was time to finish the potatoes.

I had just got the potatoes out and was stirring them in the oil and herb mixture when a shirtless, wet man appeared in the doorway. Without taking a moment to remember I wasn't alone, I jerked hard enough to send a few chunks of potato flying across the kitchen to splat on the wall. "Jesus Christ!"

Kai stared at me with wide eyes, his hand balling into a fist but otherwise not moving. "Sorry."

"No, you're…you're fine," I said with a shaky laugh. "I just forgot I wasn't alone while I was zoned out on dinner. Fucking hell, you move so quietly, I'm going to need to put a bell on you."

That put a smile on his face. "I'm not one of the cats, you know."

"Yeah, well, tell that to my poor nerves," I said with a laugh, spreading the potatoes out and shoving the tray into the hot oven. "That should give me enough time to do the steaks."

"I'll try to make a noise moving around," he said.

I took a deep breath, pulling the steaks out to season them with salt and pepper. "No, it's fine. Just something I have to get used to."

"It's easier to train myself to stop walking quietly than it is for you to stop being freaked out about it," he said casually as he pulled a stool out and dropped onto it.

I glanced at him and then looked away just as quickly. He had at least put on a pair of shorts, perhaps the smallest things in existence, but he hadn't bothered with a shirt. The last time he'd been around had been a year ago, and I…well, I hadn't been in the state of mind that would notice him in a physical way, but there was always a pattern to his deployments. Usually, when he came back, he was skinnier because he lost fat from a dodgy diet in the desert and being worked to the bone. After a few months back, he put on some softer bulk as he wasn't required to be as harsh on himself, and I usually spoiled him with food.

Currently, he was pretty much all muscle and almost no fat. His skin had taken to the sun like fish took to water and had turned bronze while he'd been gone. The decently thick dark hair on his stomach and chest was beaded with water and not quite thick enough to cover up the muscles. Even now, I remember being fascinated by the dark hair on his forearms when we were teenagers and loved watching his arms when he moved.

"You okay?" he asked in a tone of concern that was wholly inappropriate to the perverted thoughts I was having. I quite frankly needed to nip them in the bud because not only was I too old to be lusting after my straight friend, but the idea of having sexual thoughts was absolutely terrifying, let alone the act itself.

"Looking at you, I have a question," I said, pushing the thoughts away.

"Yes, I did eat. Yes, I did drink water. And I only got grazed this time, not shot."

My lips pursed at the reminder of his first deployment. He'd taken three shots, one to the arm, one to the chest, and one to the torso. All three wounds were reminders of how close to death he had come. That wasn't counting the other marks, like the shrapnel from a mortar shell that had cut through the back of his calf or the two damn knife wounds on his torso.

"Hey," he said with a cock of his head. "You said to never keep that kind of thing from you again."

"Actually, what I think I said was, if you ever hide getting hurt like that again, I was going to finish the job when I found out," I said, remembering how furious I had been. Unlike what many people thought about me, I did have one hell of a temper. I was just good at keeping it under control. Or maybe it was like Lucas had always said, I was better at chaining it and burying it for fear of becoming my parents. But hell, if it worked, it worked.

"That was closer to what you said," he said with a smirk.

"I love how you smile every time that's brought up, like it's a joke."

"Mmm, no. I smile every time because I know other people think it's a joke, but you'd probably gun me down for it."

"Suddenly being taken seriously over a threat like that leaves me unsure about myself."

"Cook the food, you dork," he said with a chuckle, leaning back in his seat. "And tell me what burning question you had."

"I just," I said, turning to the large, hot skillet and dropping the steaks in. "I know you walk around in gear all the damn over there. How the hell do you manage to keep an even, full-body tan?"

"Full-body?" he asked, twisting in his stool to shove a finger into his waistband and pull it down at his hip to show that his skin was, in fact, incredibly pale where his underwear sat.

"Thank you for that," I said dryly in an attempt to cover up the distinct jolt of arousal that shot through me. God, it was weird how foreign that feeling was. My sex drive had been buried under so much grief and loss I'd forgotten what it felt like to be turned on by the faintest glimpse of skin.

Not that it should have been too surprising. Even knowing I was too old to be lusting after my best friend, that truth had never gotten further than my conscious thoughts. My hormones, body, or whatever was responsible still refused to listen to reason. Which had been incredibly awkward when I'd been with Lucas, but he?—

"I know," he'd said one day, watching me from the comfortable cocoon of blankets and pillows he'd made on the couch. Held in one hand was a book with a practically naked man on the cover, a steaming cup of tea on the table next to him.

"What's that?" I'd asked him, glancing up from my screen as cries of dying goblins from the speakers finally died out. We had only been living together for a few weeks but quickly settled into a comfortable routine of being able to do our own thing in the same room.

"About Kai."

"What about him?"

"I catch the way you look at him sometimes. I bet I'm not the only one."

Never had I paused a game so fast. "What?"

He'd given me a soft smile. "Are you…in love with him?"

"I'm not?—"

"You're in lust, I know that. Not that I blame you. He's got that tall, dark, handsome, and slightly dangerous sexiness about him."

"Uh," I'd begun, confused and thrown off by the unexpected, if accurate, summary of Kai's attractiveness. "I'm…I'm not in love with him."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm in love with you."

"Oh?"

"I said that weeks ago. You know that."

"Does the heart have a limit?"

"Huh?"

"Can it only love one person at a time?"

"I'm…I love him. Of course I do. You always said you were glad I had someone like him in my life."

"I also said he's lucky to have someone like you in his life."

"Lucas, I…"

"Look, I'm not upset. I just wanted you to know that I know. And since I know you would never do anything to hurt me, I wanted you to know that it doesn't bother me."

"I don't want you walking around thinking I only love you with part of my heart either."

Lucas had laughed then, his dark eyes filled with understanding as he shook his head, picking up his book to resume reading. "Babe, I don't think you've ever loved anything halfway. I'm beyond not worried."

Even now, I had to shake my head because, of course, Lucas would think that settled everything. He had acknowledged something I'd hidden from the world for so long and then stated it wasn't a problem for him. Direct and simple had always been his way of solving problems. It had been jarring at the beginning of our relationship, having someone take any problem and meet it head-on, not in confrontation, but to settle it and simplify life.

"Uh, ?"

"W-what?"

"Pretty sure you're burning those."

My eyes snapped to the pan, and I swore as I yanked it away from the stovetop. In my panic, however, I had forgotten to grab the hot glove. So, instead of saving the steaks, I yelped as red-hot pain seared its way up along my palm, making me fling it away.

Before I had a chance to register that I'd made it worse, I felt strong hands grab me from behind and yank me back. I could smell the burning food that smelled too much like burning flesh. And now someone had grabbed me and was trying to pull me close.

God, they always fight. Fucking love that .

Panic and terror twisted inside me, cutting off the air from my lungs as my pulse pounded in my head. My vision didn't go black and hazy this time, but oversaturated, filled with white and red as my body went taut. Everything from my classes from the past couple of years felt like a distant memory as my body twisted and bent, lashing out in terror and something so much like the furious hate from two years before.

Slowly, I became aware that the iron grip around me had lessened, and I was standing on the far side of the kitchen. Reality began trickling back into my brain as I looked around. There wasn't one cat left in the kitchen. The still sizzling pan, including the butter and steaks, was on the floor in front of the stove.

Kai stood near the dining set on the other side of the kitchen. He was pressed against the tile, his hands held out in what was probably supposed to be a non-threatening gesture. There was an angry red mark across his face and down his chest, with a faint trickle of blood coming from both. His face was intense, but there was no anger, just a steady stare as he waited.

"?" he asked softly.

"Y-yeah," I stammered and looked down, horrified to find a large chef's knife in my hand. "Oh fuck."

It dropped to the ground with a harsh clatter, and then the pain came back, and I grimaced, holding my hands out before me. An angry red mark showed where I had stupidly grabbed the handle, and I groaned in pain. Tears sprung to my eyes as I turned toward the sink, letting out a soft moan when the cool water struck the burn.

"," Kai repeated, this time not as a question, and I could see his shadow moving closer.

"Don't," I choked out, trying to get myself under control as emotions bubbled and rippled beneath the surface. "I fucking hurt you."

"You think this counts after everything I've?—"

"Don't! Just don't. I attacked you, okay? I fucking invite you into my home, and the first thing I do is attack you when you were…were just trying to save me from the hot pan. I freaked out for no reason, and I…just don't. Okay?"

"Okay."

That felt way too easy, but I wasn't going to argue, not when I could feel my sense of control still teetering on the brink. Now I was finally calm enough to think, even around the shame and heated embarrassment, I realized what had happened. I'd panicked, grabbed the pan, and burned myself. When I'd tossed it down, it had been close to my feet, and Kai had tried to pull me out of the splash zone. Which he probably had, but I'd repaid him by freaking out and attacking him. I didn't know how I had ended up on the other side of the kitchen so quickly and without burning myself.

"It wasn't for no reason," he said, interrupting my spiraling panic.

"What?" I croaked, realizing I'd clenched my eyes, and looked at him.

"You freaked out for a reason, not no reason."

"No good reason, then."

"You were never good at deciding when a normal reaction was a good thing."

"Jesus fucking Christ, Kai! Don't!"

He eased into view by leaning on the counter and watching me carefully. "Look, someone doesn't have that kind of reaction unless there's a really good reason, okay? It's not something you would have done three years ago."

"Fuck, I wonder why," I snarled and then clamped down on my anger as the shame rose to prick at my eyes. "I'm sorry, I just…this hurts and I?—"

"And you went through a lot more than you told me," he finished, stopping my explanation dead in its tracks.

"Why would you say that?" I asked him.

"Because I know you, and I know you held back the full truth. I don't know why and ," he said, a little louder as I opened my mouth to protest, "I'm not asking you to tell me the whole story either. I know what I know, and I know that for whatever reason, you decided to keep what happened with the cops and all that to yourself as well. And again, I'm not asking."

"Then what are you doing?" I asked, my hand limp under the water now. What could I even tell him if he did ask? That I had been stonewalled and then harassed? That the fuckers who raped me and killed my boyfriend, almost killing me in the process, had all got off without so much as an interview because a couple of them were from Port Dale's oldest families?

"I'm asking you not to be this hard on yourself."

"I attacked you."

"Because I grabbed someone who has clearly gone through hell and back, who was attacked. Someone who was panicked and in pain, and I grabbed you. I knew better, but I still did it."

"That doesn't?—"

"And at least you didn't try to stab me."

"That's not funny, Kai!"

It wasn't funny, not in any way I could find, because I'd felt something come to life inside me in a way that scared the hell out of me. It was as if that thing inside me had stirred to life, and I was even more aware and intent than before, perhaps seeing my desperation and seeking its chance. Despite the fuzziness of the moment, I could still remember how I'd felt. Not just fear, terror, and panic but something else. Something bleaker, darker, and more horrible.

I'd meant to harm. Maybe even kill. It had been the same feeling that snapped to the front of my mind when Callum and his buddies had…but it hadn't served me or Lucas that night, and it wasn't going to serve me now. Not when I was dealing with the reality that I might have been willing to kill my best friend and the last bit of closeness I had left.

So, no, it wasn't funny.

His brow rose slightly. "Do I look like I'm joking? This isn't the first time I've seen someone have a flashback. Trust me, I'm used to guys having them. Never out and about. Your brain knows when it's in danger. But back at base? Some of us were given barracks away from everyone else's."

"Why?"

"Because why remind the everyday grunts and guards and guys doing the cooking or basic patrolling of the fucked-up shit that's out there by making them hear the screaming some of us did when waking up? Or why make them deal when some of those guys wake up and start swinging the knife they keep under their pillow? Shit, we had to ban guns in the barracks after one nasty incident."

I probably looked as pathetic and miserable as I felt, but I still looked up to meet his eyes. "Did you?"

"Scream or attack someone?"

"Yes…either."

"I woke up a few times yelling warnings to people in my dreams," he said with a low chuckle.

"Nice to see you've got a sense of humor about it," I said dryly. "No, really, it is. I wish I could."

"Everyone finds their way to handle things. Whether that's coming up with jokes to make it seem less bad, bottling it all up and dealing with it on your own, getting into drugs and drinking, getting way too pissed at the world."

"You know, most of those don't sound too great."

"They're not, but that's how I see people dealing with them. It looks like you've been doing your best to put your life back together, trying to get all the broken pieces and put them back together as best you can."

I let out a shaky, watery laugh. "Oh yeah, and look how great I'm doing at that. Making an even bigger mess."

"There are worse ways, even worse than the ones I listed before," he said with a shrug, reaching out slowly toward my hand. I gave him a small smile to tell him it was perfectly fine to touch me, and he pulled my hand closer.

"Hmm, doesn't look too bad. I don't see any blistering, so you should be fine. Keep it under the water for the next ten minutes, then see if that first aid kit in your bathroom has anything," he said. "I was never trained as a medic, but I saw enough to pick up some things."

"Good enough for me," I said. "So…about dinner."

He smiled. "Is that Indian place still around here?"

"Yeah, want some?"

"Yeah."

"Hey, uh, one quick question."

"What's up?"

"You said there were worse ways than all the other stuff you said."

"Mhmm."

"Like what?"

It was a genuine question, but the way he hesitated and continued hesitating made me even more curious. What could be so bad that he didn't want to say it aloud? And why did he have a strange, hard glint in his eyes while he waited?

"Maybe ‘worse' wasn't quite the way to say it," he said after a moment and then grimaced. "It…let's focus on your hand and then food."

"Seriously, Kai?"

"I…it's a whole story I really don't want to go into right now, alright? Let's get you feeling better and some food in our stomachs. And maybe a few drinks if you're up for it."

"Fine, but no beer. Whiskey or gin and tonics."

"You aren't going to hear me complain about whiskey."

"Yeah, well, you definitely won't complain about the bottle I've been keeping for when you showed up."

"Even better."