22. Clara

CHAPTER 22

CLARA

I’m sorry, Clara. I can’t go with you. I have to put my focus on college. My dad would have wanted that. I can’t do this face to face. I’d never be able to leave you. - Nick

The Fall Festival faded into the distance as I drove home.

I’d decided to tell Nick everything; I had no other choice. There was no way to keep it to myself now that Malcolm was in the picture. I would never be able to live with myself if Morgan actually ended up married to that asshole.

A quick text from Nick after I pulled into my driveway told me the kids were with Morgan at the festival and they were fine, and Malcolm had gone home to Knoxville “with a headache” exactly like he’d told me he would do.

I had time. I could plan the best way to tell Nick. But I was still beyond angry.

This was my secret.

It was one thing in my life that would not hurt anyone if I kept it to myself forever, and goddamn Malcolm for putting me in this position.

The entitlement of mediocre men would never cease to amaze me. I was a threat to him at that law firm. His father had founded it, and after little Malcolm had graduated from law school, his daddy hired him. He’d had to “earn” his partnership by working there, but there was never any doubt he’d get the position.

I’d earned my position every step of the way. My record was better than his, and I was on the cusp of eclipsing his dumb ass by becoming a partner alongside him. But nooo, he couldn’t have that, could he?

He needed to have all the power and prestige for himself, and god forbid he be forced to share it with a mere woman. So he chose to belittle me. To turn me into a sex object put there for his own enjoyment, because in his mind, I was nothing.

Gracie was right. I shouldn’t be alone right now. The temptation to rage-flail around my house, throwing things and stomping around like a toddler having a tantrum, was far too real.

I backed out of my driveway and headed toward the Smoky Mountain Inn. Being alone was stupid when I was in this mood.

I’d tell Molly and Leo everything. It could be sort of like a test run before I had to tell Nick. I could also let go and freak out a little bit too. Leo would feed me, and Molly would smother me with hugs, and everything would feel okay. Probably. Maybe Garrett would be there too. He was always good for a laugh, and I needed a laugh because what the hell was happening to my life right now?

Sadie’s van was in a spot up front when I arrived. Perfect. I could tell the three of them. Now I’d get food, hugs, and Sadie would come up with at least a hundred crazy ideas for revenge.

They were all sitting on the huge enclosed front porch sipping lemonade and sharing a plate of cookies when I rounded the corner and made it to the front entrance.

Willa was there, too. I smiled at her, and she waved me over. “We’re here to get our nails done,” she called to me. “Want to join us?”

Molly nudged her. “Oh no, something’s wrong.” She scanned my face, then looked me up and down, probably checking for injuries. “You look . . . ,” she began. “I don’t even know. Is your life flashing before your eyes right now, Clara? You look like you’ve seen a ghost or something.”

“What’s happening, sweetie?” Leo rushed toward me to help me up the front stairs. He could always tell when I was too upset to function.

Sadie joined him at my other side and took my hand. “What’s going on?”

“Malcolm” was all I could manage to say.

“That prick!” Sadie hollered. “Is it time? I’ve been saving up all my tuna fish cans. They’re in a sealed-up tote in the Bandit Lake garage. I am fully prepared to bribe his housekeeper to stash them throughout his house—think of the smell! We’ll call that a soft opening before we get to the good stuff⁠—”

“No, Sadie.” God, I loved how fierce she could be, especially when it was on my behalf. “I mean, maybe? But not yet.”

“Okay, fine. Hear me out. We tell Momma and let her take care of him. She’s always threatening to shoot someone. I say we let her.”

Though I loved the idea of watching my mom shoot Malcolm right in the butt, I knew I couldn’t condone it. “No, we finally have a chance with her. I don’t want to have to visit her in prison.”

“Fine. Point taken. I’ll come up with something else⁠—”

“Do not listen to your nutball sister.” Leo guided me to a chair, and I sat down hard with a plop.

It was so pretty here. The inn backed up to the Great Smoky Mountains National Park. I let my eyes wander up into the misty mountains in the distance as I tried to clear my mind of all the garbage floating around inside it so I could focus on the problem at hand.

Years’ worth of feelings butted up against each other just like those old hills and trees, spreading up and down and every which way until I’d lost all train of thought. I was stuck somewhere deep in the recesses of my mind thinking of everything I had done wrong to lead me to this place right now.

“Have some lemonade.” Molly slid a cold glass into my hand, then gently closed my fingers around it. “Take a sip now, go on. You’ll feel better.”

In another universe, somewhere in another time, I was simply sitting on a porch with my friends and nothing bad had ever happened to me. Oh, how I wish I could be there right now . . .

I sipped at the lemonade and slowly came back to myself. I blinked and looked around, finding them staring at me in expectation. They wanted to grill me but were holding back.

I couldn’t even object, because I’d done the same thing to them every time I’d had the sense they were troubled about something. Funny how it wasn’t quite as fun when the shoe was on the other foot. Despite my reason for being here, being the center of attention was not my favorite thing.

“What’s going on?” Leo finally asked. “Your mood is bleaker than I’ve ever seen.”

Malcolm weighed heavily on my mind. Being forced to tell Nick about how I’d paid my way through college and law school weighed even heavier. Suddenly, I didn’t feel like talking anymore. I felt like curling up into a ball and forgetting my entire life.

“Earth to Clara.” Molly waved a hand in front of my face. “It’s okay, you know. You can talk to us. We are fully stocked with hugs, comfort, cookies, milk, booze, more of that kick-ass lemonade, and whatever else you need. Plus, none of us are judgy. Not only have we all made our share of mistakes, but we love you.”

“What did you say?” I came out of my bitter reverie with a jolt. “I’m sorry.”

“Is this about Nick?” Molly asked.

“Huh? Yes. Well, kind of, but mostly no. Not really.”

“That made total sense,” Willa cracked.

My head flopped forward and I let out a deep sigh. “I’m sorry. I don’t even know where to begin with this.”

“One thing at a time.” Leo patted my leg and offered me a cookie.

“Thanks.” I stuffed half of it in my mouth while contemplating how to begin. After chewing and swallowing, I finally said, “Malcolm is trying to blackmail me.”

They all knew about Malcolm and why I’d left my job but none of them—no one at all—had any idea that I’d stripped to pay my way through college.

“What could you have possibly done that’s worthy of blackmail? None of us are going to think less of you, whatever it is,” Leo soothed. “We’ve known you forever, Clara. You’re safe with us. Just get it out and let us help you.”

I took a deep breath. In, then out.

Time to rip off the Band-Aid.

“I never planned to ever tell anyone about this. And I dread telling Nick. He’s not like anyone else I’ve ever dated—he’s the real deal. I mean, Chris wasn’t a real boyfriend. He was just a hot mistake I kept making over and over until he got sick of me and took off. Like, brooding is hot, but it isn’t a real personality trait. I was so stupid about him, about all the men I dated when I really think about it. For years, I chose men I could never truly be happy with because⁠—”

“Because deep down, you never let go of Nick, of loving him and holding on to the possibility of being with him again someday,” Sadie deduced. “If you were with someone easily dumpable, you could move on fast.”

It felt odd to sit here having a normal conversation with my sisters and friends while my entire life crumbled around me piece by piece.

“You can tell us anything. You’ve lived your life, Clara. You took it by the reins and look how far you’ve come.” Sadie took my hand with an encouraging smile. “Nothing can be that bad, right?”

“She has a point,” Leo chimed in. “It’s better to regret what you did rather than what you were too afraid to try. Unless it’s murder or something, of course.” He pointed at me. “Don’t kill people.”

I rolled my eyes. “Fine, Leo, I guess I won’t run off and murder Malcolm.” I cracked a joke to try to get some of this tension out of my chest.

“Attagirl.” He clinked his lemonade glass to mine.

“So, what’s the big secret?” Sadie prodded. “Let us help you.”

“Um, so, remember when I told you I was a waitress? Back in Nashville, I mean. When I was in college.”

“Yeah, at the Sizzler,” Sadie confirmed with a nod.

I closed my eyes and rolled my lips between my teeth, then blew out a big breath. “I was not a waitress at the Sizzler, Sadie.” Step one of the confession was done. One more step to go.

“Ohhhhh snap!” Molly’s eyes got huge. “What did you do? Is that what he’s coming after you with?”

“You can’t make the kind of money I made waiting tables at the Sizzler,” I added pointedly.

Was I hoping they’d just guess?

“No, you cannot,” Willa confirmed. “I’ve been waiting tables for years and I can’t afford to dress like you, have a car like yours, or a big ol’ house like yours . . .” Willa’s eyes went on a trip from my eyes to my toes then back up again. “Oh. Ohhh. Dude. Not gonna lie, I considered doing it a time or two after my divorce, but I was too shy. Being broke sucks so bad. Good for you. This explains the pole class you taught at Stripped, doesn’t it?”

My lips slid up into a half smile. She had figured it out.

For some reason I couldn’t bring myself to say the words out loud. I was a stripper.

“Wait, hold up. What are we all ohhing for?” Sadie questioned. “I don’t get it. Are you saying . . . ?”

“She was a stripper, sugar plum,” Leo answered for me. “With all that T and A and those killer dance moves, well, it explains a lot. Law school is expensive and little miss Clara over there doesn’t have any student loans to speak of, do you, sweetie?”

I couldn’t help but crack a smile. “No, I do not.”

“Oh my lord. Why did I never think of doin’ that?” Sadie frowned. “If Momma blessed us with anything, it was her boobs. I could have cleaned the frick up! Hot stripper mom Sadie—think about that! I would have kicked ass at it. Okay, back to you. You did clean up, didn’t you? Willa said it—look at that huge house, the BMW, all those Louis Vuitton purses and fancy shoes. You minored in finance, right?”

I nodded.

“What was your stripper name?” Molly asked. Her tone implied she was intrigued and not disgusted by me. “Will you teach me some moves?”

To clarify, there was nothing wrong with stripping—for other people. I still carried huge amounts of the shame my mother had heaped on me growing up and I couldn’t seem to let it all go.

“Lavender Lane.” They were making this almost fun, but it shouldn’t be, should it?

“You named yourself after the farm!” Sadie hooted. “I love it!”

I was in shock. “This is going to come out after I tell Nick about Malcolm, and I’m mortified,” I reminded them. “Why aren’t y’all disappointed in me?”

“Why would you be mortified?” Willa questioned. “And why would we be disappointed in you? Look what you’ve accomplished.”

“Hell no, Clara.” Sadie stood and poked a finger in my face. “Do not be ashamed of what you did to survive. Be proud of it, damn it.” She had gone from joking with the rest of them to righteous indignation. “Do you think any of the women down at the Pink Pony should be mortified? Should Hannah Townsen be ashamed of herself? Hell no! She took care of her sick momma by stripping, everyone knows that. Should any of the women you worked with in Nashville be mortified? Fuck no, they shouldn’t, and neither should you. In fact, I wish I would have done it myself. They shouldn’t be embarrassed, and neither should you. Right, Clara? Are you ashamed of yourself? Are you really?”

I stood up to pace the porch. “No, I’m not ashamed of it, not at all, not really. But it’s not that simple for me, okay?” I tried to gather my thoughts so I could explain what I meant. “There’s nothing wrong with stripping. Not one thing. It’s a perfectly acceptable profession. It’s artistic. It’s athletic. It was fun. It can even be beautiful sometimes⁠—”

“So, it’s okay for them to do it and not for you?” Sadie scoffed. “Explain that to me, because I do not understand where you are coming from.”

“It’s more complicated than that. Don’t you remember all the shitty things everyone said about us over the years? Hillbilly trash? Worthless, slut, dumb, and good for nothing but a piece of ass. Even Willa with her scholarship to that private school heard all the same shit. And I proved everybody right, didn’t I? I turned out exactly how people said I would.”

“You did no such thing! You supported yourself. You even supported me for a while too, you dang ol’ dingbat. You put yourself through college and law school and bought a damn house in town for us all to live in when I couldn’t afford to take care of my boys on my own. Damn it, Clara. You saved my life. You did that. You, my beautiful, smart, determined, ambitious, brilliant sister.”

“And hey, you live in the nicest house on your block, and I know you paid for it outright. You never have to work again, do you?” Molly asked.

“No,” I grudgingly admitted. “I could retire right now if I wanted to. I was more interested in finance than law. Dabbling in the stock market is a fun hobby—that, and working in my yard. Becoming an attorney seemed more outwardly impressive, I guess.” I flopped back on the couch as what we were all saying sank in. “Oh god, my whole entire thought process is so fucked. I think I may have a problem.”

I looked up to find them all staring at me like it was obvious.

“You did all these things because deep down you think you’re not good enough,” Sadie stated. “The big house, the BMW . . . because if you’re dressed in more expensive clothes than everyone in town and your purse is worth more than the average house payment then nobody would dare call you a hillbilly, or a slut, or bring up how Daddy left Momma high and dry to raise a bunch of raggedy little girls.”

Well, crap. When you put it like that . . . “You might have a point⁠—”

“Hell yes I have a point, and it’s a good one.” Once Sadie started on a rant, it was hard to stop it, so I closed my mouth and let her go on. “You did all that so you could shut them up by threatening to sue them with your expensive law degree, or kick ’em in the shins with a Louboutin, or maybe whoop them upside the head with that little Fendi bag I’ve been coveting, am I right?”

“Yeah. I think subconsciously I had to know what I was doing,” I admitted. “Like, deep down, I know I don’t need all that stuff, but it makes me feel better to have it. You want the Fendi? You can have it.”

“Listen,” Willa cut in. “Even if you don’t need those things, you earned that money and there’s nothing wrong with spending it however you see fit.”

“Your mother was the same way,” Molly pointed out. “She cared a lot about what people thought of her. Her reputation is impeccable. Only people who cared to look closer knew about what was really going on with y’all.”

“She was determined,” Sadie agreed. “She built up the farm and created her own little empire up there. You’ve built a solid reputation for yourself too, Clara.” Her voice softened, and I knew I wasn’t going to want to hear what she said next. “But unfortunately, sugar plum, it’s a house of cards. The outside means nothing if you don’t believe in yourself.”

“Dang it, Sadie.” Tears filled my eyes. “That was too real. Was I this mean to you when you had your thing happening with Barrett?”

Her eyes shifted to the side and a sardonic half smile quirked up the right side of her face. “I almost don’t wanna answer you, but yes you were, and I’ll be grateful forever for it. What kind of sisters are we if we don’t call each other out on our bullshit?”

I sniffled back the tears threatening to fall. “That’s fair and you’re right. Maybe someday I’ll appreciate this and not want to cry.”

“We all have triggers,” Willa pointed out. “You wanted approval, didn’t you? From Momma, from people in town? And maybe even from Nick?”

“Not him. Nick never treated me like I wasn’t good enough. But his family turned into a bunch of snobs after his mom remarried, and I guess I had hoped they’d accept me someday. Or maybe I’m wrong—we kept our entire relationship a secret, didn’t we?” The tears finally spilled down my cheeks, and I brushed them away. “And it wasn’t my idea. Maybe I should forget about him. This is too hard. Especially when I can’t seem to let anything go”

“It’s always bothered you, hasn’t it?” she murmured. “That you could never be open about being with him.”

“Yeah.” My whispered admission felt like a betrayal. And it wasn’t fair to Nick since I had never spoken up about it. How could he fix a problem he never knew existed?

“Well, you are good enough, no matter what. Even if you weren’t dripping in designer stuff and living in that big-ass house, you’re good enough, Clara,” Leo insisted. “I wish you would believe in yourself like we do. You deserve to be happy. You’ve sure as hell earned it after all these years taking care of everyone except yourself.”

My heart wanted to believe what he was saying. “I guess so.”

“Whatever blame you’re placing on yourself, whatever grief for the past you’re holding on to? Try to let it go. Forgive yourself, forgive him, and go get what you want. You’re more than good enough,” Willa added. “It’s hard to let go of the past—believe me, I know. But it will be worth it once you’re on the other side.”

“Forgiving myself won’t take away the pain if I lose him again,” I argued.

“If you give up and let him get away, years from now you’ll remember this moment and you’ll wish you had put your heart out there again,” Sadie insisted. “You’ll wonder if he really was the one for you and you’ll think, What if? Don’t stop now. Tell him everything, including how you feel about keeping your relationship a secret.”

“What if I tell him and get my heart broken again? How will I be able to take it? It almost destroyed me the first time.”

“If he breaks your heart, then he doesn’t deserve it. And this time you won’t be alone with it, sugar,” Leo soothed. “We will be here for you every step of the way.”

“Go out there and do some main character shit.” Sadie nudged me toward the door. “Go on now, talk to him.”

“Fine. I have to talk to him, if only to tell him about Malcolm, for the sake of his kids. They don’t deserve to get stuck with a stepfather like him. But all I want for myself is peace, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to have it when I’m in a relationship.”

“Oh, Clara, no—” Sadie started.

I cut her off. “I want to feel good about myself. I need to be settled and secure and not constantly wondering when something will go wrong. Like . . .” I struggled to find the right words to explain how I felt, which was hard since I didn’t completely understand it myself. “Nothing in life is perfect, I know that. But do you ever doubt Barrett, Sadie?” She bit her lip and looked away. “Molly, do you ever wonder if Garrett is going to leave you? If something happens, do you know Everett is going to stay and work shit out with you, Willa? And Leo, you know Landon is with you forever. You two are the gold standard.”

Molly hugged me into her side. “I’m so sorry you feel like this. As the biggest mess of this group, I might be the only one here who completely gets how you feel right now,” she joked. “But even I think you should try. Nick is a great guy, Clara. He comes out here all the time to play football with Garrett and the guys. I wish I had known what he meant to you. I wish I could have helped somehow.”

My voice felt small and shaky. “I just want someone who will stay with me, you know? Because I’ll stay. I’ll try until there’s nothing left—it’s what I do. But I don’t know if I can take losing him again.”

“You deserve to have that, Clara,” she insisted. “I’ve known Nick for years—the adult Nick, not the memory you’ve been carrying around with you. Even though you have this huge past together, you’re still getting to know each other again. He won’t judge you for this. I honestly believe everything will be okay.”

“I wish I did too. Why am I so afraid?”

“Because this is huge and, like you said before, it’s the real deal. It’s potentially the rest of your life on the line. Plus, a bunch of crap you’ve been burying is hitting you all at once. Don’t give up. You’ll get through this.” She took my hands and gave them a squeeze.

I stood and went to the window overlooking the vast expanse of lawn in back of the inn. Nick was out there playing football with his friends. Maybe they were right, and I should go talk to him.

Could it really be that easy?

I watched him catch the ball then toss it to someone. I took a step back and to the side to move out of view when I saw his brother run across the lawn to catch it.

Over the last few months, I’d forced the memory of that day at the bus station out of my mind. I’d truly believed the past had no bearing on my future with Nick. But seeing Sam brought back how much it hurt.

He was the one who met me that night to give me the note from Nick telling me he had to choose college over me. I’d understood. It had been the smart choice. He had earned a full scholarship to UT and I had nothing, so I accepted his decision without a fight and went on with my life so I wouldn’t hold him back.

Funny how the mind of a teenager can be so fatalistic. Like we couldn’t have worked something out, or even communicated over the years at some point? By the time I had realized how stupid I’d been it was too late.

I couldn’t deal with this right now.

But I would soon for the sake of his kids, and because I loved him, and because no matter how scared and angry I felt right now, I didn’t want to lose him.

I needed a minute to process my feelings and figure out the best way to tell him.

I needed a pause. A small one, just for a few hours, until dinner tonight.

“I’m going home,” I told them. “I have to be alone for a little while.” I turned back to the window. “Look at them. Out there playing football without a damn care in the world, never having to worry about being slut-shamed for their life choices or turned into a sex object for some horny asshole’s amusement.”

“Maybe you should stay here with us,” Sadie suggested. “Or maybe I can go home with you? I don’t think you should be alone right now.”

“I’m fine, Sadie. I swear I am. But I’m way too clumsy to be around all this fragile masculinity right now. I’m afraid of what might come out of my mouth if I try to talk to him right now. But I promise I’ll think about everything that y’all said.”

“Okay, honey. I’m just a phone call away. Always. We all are.” She pulled me into a hug. “Please call me later. I’m worried about you,” she added under her breath.

“I’ll call, I promise. I’ll be fine. I’m just so angry right now. Not at him, he didn’t do anything—” I ran my hands into my hair as I spun around looking for my purse. I had to get out of here.

“Here you go.” Willa thrust my bag at me. I took it and dug through it for my keys. “You have every right to feel angry,” she whispered, pulling me into the foyer and gesturing for Sadie to follow. “When guilt tries to creep in with it, do not let it. This entire situation is horrid and unfair.”

“I’m already feeling guilty. I should go out there right now but⁠—”

“Hush, it won’t hurt anything to wait,” Sadie soothed. “Malcolm slithered off back to wherever he came from, right? He doesn’t live with them.”

“You’re right, he probably wouldn’t do anything to really hurt them anyway. That’s the entire point of keeping me quiet, isn’t it? And I’m such an angry mess, I can’t think straight.”

She wrapped an arm around me, and Willa joined her on the other side, pulling me tighter until I ended up squished in the middle of a three-way sister hug. Which, considering I was about to lose my dang mind, was the perfect place to be.

“We’re supposed to have dinner together at his place later,” I mumbled into Sadie’s shoulder. “How am I supposed to do this? I’m exhausted. I mean, god forbid I get to keep anything to myself, right?”

“We’re coming home with you,” Willa declared. “We all know better than to try to deal with things alone by now, don’t we? No running. No hiding. We need each other.”

“Damn right,” Sadie agreed. “Let’s go. We’ll stop at the Piggly Wiggly on the way to your place, because I know your fridge is empty. Those cookies were delicious, but they won’t hold me over until I get back home. And you’ll need something later too.”

We said our goodbyes and headed out to Sadie’s minivan.

I let out a huge sigh, knowing they’d be giving me so much shit. “My kitchen is not empty anymore. Nick convinced me to keep my house stocked when I was sick . . .”

“Oh, he convinced you, did he? You mean that time when he left work to rush to your side and hold your hair back when you were puking, carry you to bed, make you chicken soup, and take care of you when you were sick because he’s in love with you? You mean that time? That’s when he convinced you?” Sadie’s grin told me she was going to go off and I couldn’t blame her. I’d done the same thing to her several times when she was falling for Barrett.

I rolled my eyes and bit back a smile. “Yeah. And?”

“So you, Miss Clara Jean Hill, the woman who subsists on coffee, angst, and whatever food her loved ones happen to bring by, went to the Piggly Wiggly and bought yourself some groceries.” She gave Willa an exaggerated eyebrow waggle in the rearview mirror. “Clara, you’re frustrated now, and you have every right to be, but I see good things in your future. Don’t you agree, Willa?”

“Yes, I sure do, Sadie.” She stuck her fist through the seats and Sadie backward bumped it with a laugh.

“Whatever.” I couldn’t wipe the begrudging grin off my face as they continued teasing me all the way back to my house.

I deserved more than to be someone’s secret. I was good enough. They were all right. I deserved to be loved no matter what I’d done in the past.

I had to finally take my therapist’s advice and take time to grieve the life I never got to have. The mother I’d never had . . .

And the love I had lost because I was too young to know that it was everything I would ever need.

They stayed long enough to ensure I ate a sandwich and took some medicine for my headache, then they tucked me into bed for a nap and left to bring back my car.

Dinner with Nick later was still on, but I had to pull myself together first—and I would. Because I was my own knight in shining armor, and I deserved to be happy.