13. Clara

CHAPTER 13

CLARA

You’re the only one who understands me. How did I get so lucky? - Nick

Days had passed, then a week. Then two-ish more until time had lost all meaning for me other than there were days when I saw him, and days that I didn’t.

Days when glimmers of my past with him gave me a smile, and days when it broke my heart all over again. The trouble was, I couldn’t seem to predict how seeing him would make me feel.

Some memories were cherished, never to be forgotten; but then there were the kind that hung on no matter how much you wanted to forget them. They existed, clawing at my subconscious, determined to never let me be happy.

Neighborhood chitchat, high school teacher scuttlebutt, and asking about his kids was the name of the game for me now.

Nothing personal.

No feelings allowed, and no more talk about trying to be something we could never be.

And absolutely no more kissing; that was off the table for good.

I had decided to be cordial-neighbor-Clara. It was safe and the right thing to do. I couldn’t ignore him anymore; it was rude and he didn’t deserve it. Hiding had never really worked, and it was too obvious anyway.

I liked his kids. I even liked him. I’d had to figure out how to make it work and I thought I had it down. Sure, occasionally when his kids were with Morgan, we got caught up in an accidental flirt-fest in the yard. And passing him in the halls at school was as dangerous as it had always been—the longing glances were inevitable. But I always put a quick stop to all of it. I had the sense that no matter what he said, he wasn’t quite ready for more with me anyway.

We still had chemistry and shared a lot of memories, but we didn’t have to fall victim to them.

But tonight felt particularly hard. The nostalgia was real, and it was driving me to the brink of something terrible.

I was restless. My heart was pounding to the beat of teen-delinquent Clara’s angst, and it was all I could do not to run off and hide.

Tonight was homecoming, and for some damn reason I was sitting in the bleachers with my sisters, brothers-in-law, and their kids watching the stupid game.

Did I find it odd to be here, sitting on a bench like an upstanding citizen right above the place where I’d spent almost four years getting wasted with my friends? Yes, I sure as hell did.

Memories of being here while Nick was out on the field doing his thing were chugging like a freight train through my mind. He had been so good; the crowd had loved him, the town had adored him. He’d earned a football scholarship to UT, for eff’s sake.

Then there was me, hanging out with Molly and Leo, watching it all, half-drunk in our usual spot. He never knew I was here watching him play—well, except the first time he played as quarterback, but that was it—I had never wanted him to know. How awkward would that have been? The quarterback, the golden boy, wasting his time with a burnout from beneath the bleachers. Nope, no way that could never be . . .

And he was still good—and hot, and sexy, and ARGH! He was coaching his ass off out there and I couldn’t stop staring as he ran up and down the field in that stupid, well-fitting Green Valley High polo and backward baseball cap.

I should be far, far away from here but Gracie had insisted I come tonight, because Willa had insisted that she come. “It’s a family thing,” Gracie had said.

And when I resisted, she mentioned that Marianne and her two witches would most likely be here and reminded me that I was the only one who knew about their bullshit bullying.

Added to that was the fact that Ruby would be marching with the band and not available to hang out with. And Mari wouldn’t be around either; she’d be busy with the pregame and halftime shows. There was no way she could run interference with all she had to do.

How could I say no? I couldn’t, and she knew it.

So not only was I here, being tortured alive by memories of my tragic past, but I had a perfect bird’s-eye view of Nick stopping and waving to his kids and ex-wife sitting on the bench up front.

Jealousy burned through me like an out-of-control freaking forest fire, and I was ashamed of myself. I had zero right to be jealous of anything, plus he was divorced. Being jealous of an ex made me a nut, but I couldn’t seem to stop these feelings.

It was good that they got along. It was even better that they spent time with their kids together. It’s what every child from a broken home wants, and I was happy to see it for Sasha and Ethan’s sake.

But for me? It made the desire to find my way under the bleachers and hide out almost irresistible. Ugh.

I managed to keep my feelings at bay until halftime. My sisters and I headed down to the snack bar to grab popcorn and hot dogs and slushies—football game essentials—while the men stayed to entertain the kids, as they should.

We stood at the edge of the field blending in with the crowd, munching on our snacks and slurping up our drinks as we watched Ruby and the band put on their halftime field show.

Mari was there, running back and forth, making sure everything went off without a hitch. We caught her eye and she stopped for a second for a quick hello before darting off down the field again. Damn, if I had half the energy she did, I’d probably have a heart attack and die.

Gracie grabbed my arm and gritted out, “There she is. It’s so hard not to kick her ass now that the freaking boot is gone. Now that I have my balance back, that bitch better watch out.” She paused her ranting and closed her eyes. “Oh no, Clara, help me. All my anger management skills are failing me. I need to take a deep breath and chill before I lose my temper. I’m a grown-up. Tell me I’m mature. Tell me I can let it go.”

“You’re so mature. I’m in awe of your grown-up ways. So, is she up to something? What’s going on?” I hissed as she pulled me away from Willa and Sadie. They were so caught up in the game they barely noticed when we stepped to the edge of the stands. We chucked our trash in the can, and I yanked her part way beneath. The echo under here was familiar. My head cleared immediately as I inhaled the smoky mustiness that only years of sneaked cigarettes, mold, and greasy trash could create.

“Didn’t you see her take my picture?” She took her phone from her pocket and scrolled through some social media app I didn’t recognize—#oldladyproblems.

“I didn’t notice.” Damn, what kind of bodyguard was I? I had to get my head back in the game. I’d gotten complacent; once Marianne spotted me at the school, she’d dialed back on her shenanigans and apparently, I’d become less observant.

“Look.” She passed me the phone.

Marianne had edited the pic of Gracie onto a headstone. I read the caption: How sad is this? Here lies Gracie May Hill. Once the quarterback’s girlfriend trying to belong where she never did and never will. And now a pathetic loner hanging around with a bunch of old ladies. Go back to your lavender farm, hillbilly slut.

“Hillbilly slut?! That little witch! And, hey, I’m not that old. Thirty-two is the new, uh, twenty-two, or whatever.” It was fine if I made fun of myself for being old, but not if some ridiculous teenage brat did it. It made sense, okay? I handed Gracie back her phone. “God, back in my day we’d just start a damn fight and call it a day. This shit is exhausting.” My eyes grew wide with alarm. “Oh my god, do not let Sadie see this or she’ll march over there right now and give her a piece of her mind. Or a piece of her hot dog shoved straight into her face.” My lips shifted into a sideways grin. “Actually, you could sic Sadie on her, film it, then post it to that app . . .” Sadie was no stranger to causing a scene; she ran out of fucks to give ages ago.

“No.” Gracie laughed. “Not tonight. Like, I mostly don’t care, it’s just annoying is all. She won’t let it go.” She took a deep breath. “She’s so stupid. She never does anything at school anymore, that’s why you haven’t seen anything. She doesn’t want to get in trouble for bullying—there’s that zero-tolerance policy.” She let out a huge sigh. “I just want to go home. Willa said she was tired. Maybe we can leave.”

“Do you really not care? I can’t believe that, Gracie. Will you please let me talk to her? I promise I won’t make threats or commit any felonies. I’m not like Sadie, I can rein it in. I’ve had just as much therapy as you.”

“No.” She let out a laugh. “Thank you though. Look, I finally have all my sisters back in town. I have Ruby and Mari—I mean, Miss Mitchell. And I still have Weston, even though we’re broken up for now. I do not give a shit what happens at school or on the internet. She’ll get over it eventually. Your job is to prevent me from kicking her ass when I forget to be mature about it. Please?”

I studied her face. She was telling the truth. “I believe you. I’m proud of you, and I’m here to talk to any time you need me. Tell Willa your ankle is bothering you and she’ll take you home. I’ll wait here. We’ll talk more about the Marianne crap later.”

Gracie’s lips pursed in a knowing look. “I’m onto you, you know.”

I gave her my best wide-eyed, innocent look. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Yeah, okay. So you’re not going to go creeping around down here and end up under Nick’s ex like the type of sneaky little eavesdropper all of us Hill sisters have grown up to be? There’s something going on between the two of you, I know it.”

My head drew back on my neck. “No. I would never—” It actually wasn’t a bad idea . . .

“Listen, Clara. You’re stuck, same as me. Only I’m stuck in school and I can’t quit since I need my dumb diploma. You’re stuck somewhere in the past, aren’t you? It’s okay to move on. Letting things go is healthy. Nobody has the power to put you down anymore, and if you’re letting someone keep you down, it’s on you.”

I held one hand up and flattened the other over my heart. “Ouch. Thanks, Dr. Gracie. I’ll take that all under advisement.” This kid was smarter than me and it kinda freaked me out.

“Think about it. I’m here for you too, you know. I’m going to talk to Willa. I’ll see you Monday for school. Or before, if you feel like talking shit over.”

“If you’re going home, I’m going home too,” I lied. “In fact, tell them I’m already gone.”

She nodded, that knowing look lighting up her features. She was too mature, too wise for her age, and though I was proud of her, it also made me kind of sad. All of us Hill girls had grown up way too fast.

The temptation to go further under the bleachers was too much. Like the other night with Nick at Sky Lake, I wanted to feel the memories again. I needed a dose of where I had come from so I would remember what I could never have.

I watched Sadie head back up in the stands, then saw Willa pull Gracie into a side hug and call Everett to let him know they were leaving. I smiled as they left arm in arm. Gracie was in good hands with Willa.

Bodyguard duty for the night was complete; my time was my own again. I slipped further beneath the bleachers instead of going home and ditching all the Nick memories like I knew I should.

But I wasn’t the only one with the idea. A few kids stood in groups here and there, smoke puffing out of the tops of their little circles.

I squinted into the strips of light that managed to shine through the bleachers. Back in the darkest corner, eyes glued to the field, stood my neighbor, Leonard, knee bent with his foot up against the wall behind him like all the hot bad boys leaned.

What the hell was he doing under here?

“Hiding from Mari?” I guessed.

He jumped about a foot in the air, and I laughed. “What the hell? Is that you, Clara?”

“Yup.” I sauntered toward him, feeling better about myself now that I wasn’t the only so-called adult under here. Somehow, it made me feel less pathetic. “This was like a second home to me back in high school. I was a bit of a wild child. I thought I’d come down here and reminisce for a few minutes.” I poked the edge of his knit hat with a grin. “Nice beanie.”

He smiled back. “I know all about you. Your reputation outlived your time here. I was a freshman when you were a senior.”

“Aww, then as someone older and wiser, let me give you two pieces of advice. One, don’t piss Mari off. She has a bit of a temper.”

“What . . . ?”

“Tut-tut, listen.”

He rolled his eyes. “You’re older, but the wiser thing is questionable. I’m not the only one in the neighborhood who’s noticed how you’ve been dodging Nick lately.” He squinted a mock-accusing glare at me. “His ex is sitting right above us with the kids, isn’t she? No one will call you an eavesdropping stalker if you’re seen talking to your pathetic neighbor down here, right?”

“Touché, my young padawan. Both of our life choices are definitely up for debate.”

“Let’s hear it. What’s number two?”

Damn if I wasn’t about to take this sexy nerd-boy under my wing. Would I ever be able to walk away from an underdog? “Start working the nerdy rockstar thing, Leonard. It’s hot. I saw you in that caftan the other day, with the pecs and the thighs. Look at you with the glasses and the raggedy old Rush tee and those the sexy arms. You’re a tall drink of water, Leonard. Own that shit.”

He turned bright red. Nerd, indeed. “I don’t know about that,” he mumbled. “Also, I prefer to be called Leo.”

“Too bad. I already have a friend named Leo and I don’t need that kind of confusion in my life, Leonard.”

“Okay…”

“Glad we got that settled. You like my cousin Mari, don’t you?”

He blushed even harder. His expression was agonized. It was obvious he had it bad for her.

“I’ll take your red-faced lack of an answer as a yes. You should ask her out.” Mari may have sworn off men, but this one was carrying a huge-ass torch for her. He was sweet, and his mom was amazing. I could see good things happening between them, and since I was never one to not meddle . . .

His eyes darted nervously back and forth as he twisted his toe in the dirt like something out of a movie. Could he be any cuter? “Uhh . . .”

“I’ll accept payment for my sage advice in the form of a clipping from your neon pothos. I covet it, Leonard. You’re lucky I haven’t snuck over and plantnapped it.”

He chuckled and held out his hand. I shook it with a grin. “I accept your terms. And maybe we could trade sometime? I’d love to have an ultra-pink princess philodendron like the one hanging on your porch. No nursery seems to carry them around here.”

I nodded as I considered whether or not to let go of my one-sided yard rivalry with him. Could two people exist on a block with equally nice yards?

“Nope, no one does. I got it from some online nursery in Maine. It was half-dead when it arrived at my house. It was touch and go for a few weeks.” I bit the bullet; maybe we could end up being friends. “Come over next time you see me outside. We’ll have coffee and talk plants.”

“Will do, I’d love that. Do me a favor and tell your cousin to keep the band out of my yard. I don’t think she gets how⁠—”

“I got you. I’ll talk to her. We’re plant people, Leonard. It’s a state of mind. Like cat ladies without the cats, am I right?” I held out a fist. He bumped it, lips turning up in a sardonic grin.

“No one else gets it,” he confirmed.

“We have to stick together.” I looked around. “Okay, it’s becoming too much for me down here. Nostalgia can be a real kick in the ass. I have to get out of here. Later.”

“Hey, wait a second.”

I stopped and turned. “Yeah?”

“Nick waits for you to come outside every morning before he leaves for work.” He smirked. “Maybe I should tell him to get his ass out to his truck a little bit earlier.”

“Are you sure you really want to get into my business?” I shook my head, and twisted my lips to the side. “Maybe I’ll go find Mari and tell her you’re hiding out under here like a creepy little spy kid.”

His eyes bulged. “No. Do not do that.”

I threw my hands up, palms facing him. “I make no promises. You poked the bear, Leonard. I’m invested now.”

“Clara, wait! Let’s call another truce.”

“Bye-bye, see you on the street!” I wiggled my fingers over my shoulder as I left.

That was weird. Instead of spying like the creepy little freak I was, I’d made a new plant friend.

I popped out from beneath the bleachers in time to see the band march off the field. I watched as they jogged up into the stands with Mari bringing up the rear.

“They sound really good,” I stopped her.

“Thanks!” Her smile was infectious as we chatted about her students. I steered the conversation toward the topic of Leonard, and I couldn’t help myself. In the spirit of not meddling, I told her where he was hiding out. She stomped off in his direction with a determined look on her face.

Sometimes you had to stir the pot.

I was about to turn toward the parking lot gate and get the heck out of here when I was spotted by Nick’s son.

Avoiding him was impossible, seeing how he was waving at me with two hands and smiling his little heart out.

Damn, his kids were entirely too sweet. “Hey there, Ethan,” I called out. I didn’t have it in me to ignore a kid, no matter how much I wanted to hide from his hot dad.