4. Apryle

Chapter 4

Apryle

I wake in the dark, sweat running down the back of my neck and the scream poised on the tip of my tongue. Swallowing it back, my throat aching as if I've chewed glass, I try to breathe through the encroaching panic.

I'm safe. I'm safe.

Am I, though?

I try to reach out to my wolf, craving her presence, but there's nothing there. I'm alone, as always. Why does that hurt so much more than usual?

Apryle? Are you okay?

I jackknife up in the bed, my heart bouncing around in my chest. I forgot about Kyson and his new residence inside my brain.

Kye . Even his name is sexy.

Apryle, I know you can hear me. Are you hurt? Do you need me? I felt your fear through our bond.

Why does he have to sound so concerned, and why does it make me feel warm that he does?

It's just the bond making him this way. It's not real. He doesn't give a crap about me, other than his need to control me and keep me like a pet.

I rub at my suddenly aching temple. My life is complicated enough without this. We're in the middle of a fucking war, and every day is a fight for survival. I don't need this on top of all of that.

Are you going to keep giving me the silent treatment?

Oh yeah, there's that irritation bleeding through his concern for me.

I ignore this too as I throw back the covers and sit on the edge of the mattress in the dark. Shoving him out of my mind would be the best option, but mating bonds aren't like pack ones. There's no muting them. As much as it pains me to admit it, there's also a part of me that is comforted by his presence. I've been alone for a long time.

Apryle, I'm two seconds away from breaking into your building .

The last thing I want is him in my bedroom, or in my personal space at all. I'd been like a dog in heat the last time he'd touched me. I can't risk that again.

Calm down. I just had a shitty dream, and it woke me. You don't need to worry about me. I'm not your problem, Kye.

His snort through the bond tells me what I can do with that assertion.

You are my only problem, he mutters.

Thanks, I drawl. Go back to sleep.

I shut him out as much as possible while I nibble my bottom lip. Things are out of my control, and I don't like that feeling.

As I switch on the lamp on the nightstand, the room floods with light, chasing the shadows away. For a moment, I feel better, but it's fleeting. As much as I want to hide away, eventually I'll have to deal with Kye—however that looks.

Knowing I'll never be able to get back to sleep, I pull on my workout gear, scrape my hair back into a ponytail, and head downstairs. The building is silent, unsurprising given the early hour, and as I slip outside, the soupy start of dawn greets me.

I shove my earbuds in and pull up my playlist as I walk to the outskirts of the compound, shaking out my arms to loosen my muscles. Running isn't my favorite exercise, but I need to clear my head.

Securing my phone in the pocket of my yoga pants, I jog slowly, warming up as I cross the grass at a steady pace. The bass thumps in my ears as I find my rhythm.

Left foot, right foot, left… I get lost in the momentum, pumping my arms as I propel forward.

The sky is lightening, but there are still shadows around the edge of the compound, where the floods don't quite reach.

As I run, my thoughts empty of everything. I get lost in my breathing and the burn in my legs. The music pounds in my ears, drowning out any sound, including my labored breaths.

I'm coming up to my second lap around the compound when I scent him. I run faster, as if I can escape him if he truly decides to give chase.

I barely manage twenty steps before I hit a patch of uneven ground. My foot twists over, the bone crunching as I lose my balance.

A strangled yelp escapes my mouth as I fall heavily, throwing my hands out instinctively to cushion my body. As soon as my palms connect with the grass beneath me, a shock of pain burns up my wrist, radiating to my fingers and all the way to my elbow.

Fuck ! The pain has me seeing stars. It hurts so badly my head swims.

Then he's there, crouching in front of me, his big bulk filling my vision. Despite trying to ignore the bond, I feel his panic surge between us.

"You run from me as if you're afraid I'm going to toss you on the ground and take you," he mutters, his gaze on my wrist, which I'm cradling to my chest.

"Aren't you?" The pain makes my words tight.

His face contorts, becoming a furious mask. "No. I'm not a fucking animal, Apryle."

Ugly regret fizzles through me when I realize he's hurt beneath the anger. It's written in the stiffness of his body, but I can also feel it through our bond. Damn. I try to bury my own feelings, my fear, and my reluctance.

He reaches for my wrist, pausing before he touches me, and his head lifts as if asking for permission. I throw him an olive branch, offering my hand to him.

Despite his size, his fingers are gentle as they skim over my skin, and to my horror, his touch sends paroxysmal waves of need through me. This is not the time to be turned on, and I hold my breath, overwhelmed by his presence. His scent fills my nose, his awareness is in my head, and I can't seem to fill my lungs as he examines my injury.

"Do you run in the middle of the night a lot?"

I don't know how he makes that sound like an accusation. "It's not the middle of the night. It's almost morning."

His fingers press against a sensitive spot, sending a sharp stab of pain racing through my wrist. I hiss, pulling back a little, but he keeps hold of me. "Sorry," he murmurs, his touch softer when he resumes his examination. "It's not safe."

It takes me a second to realize he's talking about the jogging.

"Really? It's not safe to run inside this fortress? I mean, it's not like we're surrounded by chain-link fences and guarded by patrols, is it?"

He lifts his head, his brow cocking at my sarcasm, but I sense his amusement through our bond. I also can't stop staring at the thick line of his jaw. It's so chiseled?—

"Are you always so bitchy?"

That douses my interest in him. "Only to you," I snap back.

It's not true. I wear my barbed words like armor around everyone.

He stares at me as if trying to understand me. "I'm not the enemy, Apryle," he says.

"Aren't you? You want something I can't give you."

His eyes narrow slightly—in confusion maybe, and a little frustration. "And what exactly do you think I want?"

I swallow down the lump blocking my throat, threatening to choke me. "You want a mate, and I can't be that."

"Why not?"

For a hundred reasons, none of which I want to get into.

The hand touching my wrist isn't Kye's. It happens in a split second. I'm back there, held down, pain racking my body as they?—

"Apryle!" The desperate bark of his voice brings me back to the present.

His fingers span my cheeks, his head dipped low so he can focus on my eyes. My chest heaves as my lungs stutter before working again. "Sorry."

"You're trembling," he notes.

I am. My body is shaking. Why am I still so affected by my past? I hate it, and I hate the way Kye is gazing at me with so much softness in his eyes. I can't bear it. I don't deserve it.

I scramble back from him, tearing out of his grasp. There's a flash of what might be hurt from him before he slides his mask of indifference back into place. Clearly, he wears his own past like armor, too.

"I have to…" I break off, my frazzled brain unable to come up with a reason for why I have to leave.

One-handed, I climb to my feet, suddenly feeling vulnerable. Kye follows me up, dusting his hands off on his combat pants. He wears them well, the thickness of his thighs filling out the material in a way that makes my mouth water.

Stop it, I chastise myself. I can't have these feelings and thoughts about Kye.

"Apryle." When he steps toward me, I back away, clutching my throbbing wrist to my chest. "Are you scared of me?" I can see the horror in his face at this realization. I don't want to hurt him, but the truth is, I would be scared of anyone standing in front of me right now.

He's not my old pack. He would never visit the torture they did on me, but my body remembers, and it protects me the only way it can. Avoidance.

"I'm not sure yet."

The crack of vulnerability in my voice seems to calm him. His expression softens slightly. "Let me show you who I am."

Yes…

My traitorous wolf surfaces long enough to demand this, but I ignore her. She isn't driving this car. She doesn't get a say. I back up a couple more steps, needing more distance between us, but he follows, and before I can run, he collars the nape of my neck. I buck against his hold, but his grasp is firm, and the only way for me to break free would involve hurting us both.

He must sense where my thoughts have gone, or maybe I've communicated it through our bond, but his hold tightens. "Don't even think about hitting me with your magic again, little tau."

"Do you really expect me not to protect myself?" I challenge.

"You don't need to protect yourself from me." His words sound true, but I've learned that what comes out of people's mouths isn't always what they intend.

"I'll be the judge of that."

Despite this, I don't move out of his hold, and I don't try to remove it either. My pulse flutters wildly in my throat, and I wish my body wasn't reacting to him.

Unable to stop myself, I lean into him as his thumb swipes back and forth across my nape. It is so soothing, my eyes start to feel heavy. The throbbing in my wrist is forgotten as my head dips onto my chest, every inch of me feeling boneless.

"You fight me with words, but your body doesn't agree with your mouth," he says.

I don't move as he continues to rub circles with his whole hand on the back of my neck. "I'm not yours to order around," I whisper around a moan.

He chuckles, and I don't blame him because right now I am like a pliant cat. "I know you're scared. Even if I couldn't feel it through the bond, I can see it on your face every time I get close to you. I'm not going to ask you to talk about what has you this way, but if you choose to tell me, I'll listen."

Oh, boy. I didn't expect him to be understanding or even nice to me. My throat clogs with emotion. "You say these things now, but I've heard it a hundred times from others. In the end, I'm always the one who suffers."

His eyes flash before they narrow. "Someone hurt you."

I don't know if my memories flash through our bond or if he's just really good at reading me.

"Of course they did. I've been hunted and tormented from the moment my pack discovered I was a hybrid."

His teeth grind together. "If you tell me who, I will make them die a hundred deaths." His fingers tighten for a moment before he continues stroking.

"I don't need you to fight my battles."

"No," he agrees, "you don't. You think I don't know how strong and capable you are? Even now, you're fighting against something that can't be denied. I see you, Apryle. You could take on a whole army and defeat it on your own, but you have to understand that from this moment on I'll be behind you, ready to stand with you if you need it."

Every inch of my body feels suddenly alert and awake in a way it never has. What do I say to that?

I was always terrified of being alone when I was younger. I dreamed of having a mate at my side who would take care of me, who would love me even though everyone else around me thought that I was an abomination. Kye is standing in front of me offering this, and yet I am frozen with fear of taking that step.

"I need to see to my wrist," I whisper, my throat suddenly strangled.

"We have a healer who can help."

I shake my head. "I'll ask Halle. She's part of my coven. I… I trust her."

The intensity of his gaze makes me squirm. Those eyes of his are so easy to get lost in, and if I allow myself to, I'll drown in their depths. Still, I can't look away. I am the starving animal, drawn in by the temptation of food, only to discover the cage that slams around me when I eat it. Kye is tantalizing, but this is also a trap.

"Please, Kye…" I'm not sure if he knows what I'm pleading for, but he releases his hold on my neck, allowing me to step backward and create space between us.

"I don't like this game we're playing," he says. I don't either, but I don't know what else to do. I'm not ready to open up to him yet. "Are you rejecting me?"

Those words spear my heart. The thought of him suffering if I do doesn't sit well. He didn't get a choice in this, though he doesn't seem unhappy about it. "I just need some time," I answer.

"I want to give you that, but I'm afraid if I do, you're just going to pull further away from me."

He's right to fear that. "I'm sorry."

Kye's eyes drift to my neck, to the place where mates mark each other. My uninjured hand clamps over it, as if I can hide it from him.

"Please, don't follow me."

I back up several steps, putting distance between us before I dare to turn. It is a stupid illusion of safety because Kye is a vargr, and if he chose to, he could take me down in an instant. He doesn't move, but I feel his gaze spearing me as I walk away.

I don't run home, but I don't idle either. By the time I reach the building, the sun is just peeking over the horizon, bathing the landscape in a delicate soft yellow hue.

As soon as I step inside, I lock the door behind me and sag against it. My chest feels tight as I try to control my breathing. How am I going to survive with him in my space all the time? Even going for a jog puts him in my path.

Why do we need to avoid him?

My traitorous wolf chooses this moment to appear, urging me to go back to him. I ignore her. It's just the mating bond making me feel that way. My biology is fighting against my head, and I won't allow it to. I don't want a mate. Kye will turn on me, like everyone else.

But his awareness in my mind has my skin heating and my pussy throbbing.

How am I going to fight my wolf and my body?

"Apryle?"

Fuck!

I spin around, my heart thumping. "Why are you spying on me?" I hiss at Wyatt.

His brow lifts. "I… uh… live here."

"Then why are you awake? It's early."

"I could ask you the same thing." He juts his chin in my direction. "What happened to your wrist?"

I glance down. I didn't realize I was clutching my arm to my chest, but I'm not surprised he asked the question. There's definite swelling, and a faint mottling is emerging on the skin. It's going to bruise badly if Halle doesn't heal me. "I fell while I was running."

He takes this in for a moment before he answers. "Were you running or being chased?"

I roll my eyes at him, stepping into the kitchen and heading over to the coffeepot. "I said I was running, didn't I?"

"I can smell a male on you."

Sometimes, I forget I'm surrounded by people with extraordinary talents. "He's a pain in the ass and the reason I fell."

There is a sudden change in the air. I feel the tension as if it is a palpable, breathing thing. "Did this asshole hurt you?"

The anger lacing his voice surprises me. I wasn't aware the males in our little group really gave a shit about me, but Wyatt seems pissed at the thought Kye might have put his hands on me. It's enough to prompt me to look at him. "Kye didn't do this. I'm not lying when I say I fell, Wyatt. I mean, technically, it was his fault because he scared the life out of me, but he didn't touch me."

Wyatt's shoulders relax, and he goes back to eating. "What happened?"

I consider lying, but he'll find out soon enough. "We bonded."

Wyatt leans back against the wall, his brows climbing up his forehead. "You found your mate? Congratulations."

I head into the kitchen area, opening the freezer. Finding a packet of peas, I pull them out and wrap it in a cloth before carefully placing it on my swelling wrist. "Don't get too excited."

"You don't want him?" he asks, following me into the space. When I turn to him, he's leaning against the counter behind him.

"I don't want anyone."

"Why?"

That's a long story to tell and not a memory I want to revive. "I'm not entirely sure how that is any of your business."

His shoulders shift. "It's not, but I was just curious. Makes sense that you'd reject him, though. You don't like being told what to do." He says that last part with a twinkle of mischief in his eyes that tells me he doesn't think this is a bad thing.

"I don't think my whole life should be decided by some magic trick that says I'm his."

"You don't believe in mating bonds, considering all the mated pairs around you?"

I twist slightly so I can look at him, trying to gauge whether he's mocking me, but he's being sincere. "I didn't say I don't believe. Obviously, mating bonds work for most of our kind."

"I sense a but."

I shake my head. "There's no but." I blow out a sigh.

I don't know why I tell him this. Maybe it's the fact that Wyatt isn't mated and therefore isn't biased. Maybe it's because he and I aren't close enough for his judgment to upset me. Maybe it's because he's here.

"I'm scared to trust him."

"I can see that, but why?"

I consider this question and reach an answer pretty quickly. "He's a vargr wolf, and he could hurt me without breaking a sweat."

There must be something in the way I say this, because Wyatt nods. "You've been hurt before."

I don't want to talk about my past, but in the moment the idea of offloading onto someone who won't judge me is appealing. "You could say that."

It's a massive understatement. I'd been destroyed by the people I trusted and who were supposed to love me. It turned out blood was not thicker than water. Pack links meant nothing. I was a dangerous enemy, someone feared, even though I did nothing to create that mistrust. The moment my first moon ceremony failed and I realized my wolf was not only latent but also weak, I knew my life as I knew it was over. My pack did what all packs do when they find tau in their midst—they tried to kill me.

"What happened?"

I try to keep my emotions closed down. The last thing I want is Kye to pick up on what I'm feeling through our bond as I take this trip down memory lane.

"My pack… They… They did things when they found out what I was and—" I suck in a breath, trying to stop the awful memories from flowing through me. "They tortured me for days. People I'd known my whole life took turns cutting me and hitting me. My own… my own family hurt me to keep their place in the pack."

Even though this kind of violence against tau happens all the time, it feels good to tell someone the horror I endured.

"I'm sorry that happened to you," he says. "It shouldn't have. The witch hunt to destroy hybrids is horrifying, but are you worried about mating because you think Kye will do the same? Because he's vargr, so he's facing similar hate. Our kind aren't exactly welcome at the table either."

He's right. They're not. Vargr are an anomaly too, and plenty of wolves are just as scared of them as they are of tau.

"I think trusting people gets you hurt."

"So reject him."

I grip the counter behind me until my fingers ache. "That's not an option, Wyatt. If we don't nurture our mating bond, we are both in for a future of intense pain and suffering."

It's the cruelest twist when it comes to the bond. Sure, you can reject the mate the magic we channel chose for you, but it will kill you eventually. It's a choice but a shackle for both parties.

"As opposed to a present full of intense pain and suffering?"

It's a fair point, but it still doesn't solve the issue. "Kye hasn't done anything to me, and he didn't ask for this either. I know I have to allow him in, but I don't know if I can."

Wyatt huffs out a breath, and the sadness in his expression squeezes my heart.

"We really lost the genetic lottery, didn't we? Doomed to either spend a lifetime alone without finding our mate or tormented when we do because they may not be the one for us."

My fingers trail over the back of my neck, where I can still feel Kye's touch. Is he the one for me? My stomach flutters at the thought of him even as it revolts at the very idea of being tethered to him. "I know I have to accept him."

"You don't have to do shit, Apryle. Don't let anyone tell you any different."

"But we'll both waste away."

He pushes off the counter, coming to stand in front of me. "Yeah, but at least that'll be your choice. You need that looked at," he says, gesturing to my wrist. "I'll go wake Halle."

He leaves the kitchen, and I stare after him. I didn't expect him to be in my corner. Most wolves are pretty focused on the mating bond once it's in place, but Kye isn't to blame here. I'm guessing this was the last place he expected to find his mate too.

He had been so concerned about my injury, and that hadn't been feigned. He can lie with his expressions or his words, but he can't hide his thoughts from me.

And he's not trying to. I can feel his frustration, a hint of sadness, and worry for me.

I have to allow the bond to grow between us. I won't let him suffer for something he has no choice in, but I won't get close to him. That's not a boundary I'm ever going to cross.

I'm sorry , I say through the bond, throwing out an olive branch.

When no response comes, it's not anger or rejection I feel, but regret. It is a cruel twist of fate that the universe has saddled Kye with an unwilling and broken mate that he cannot fix.