Chapter One | Owen

Laughter and whistling erupted, filling the room with exuberant sound. The raucous banter in the kitchen elicited a whisper of happiness in me. My house was usually so quiet and lonely. Having my friends come for a barbeque as part of our Christmas celebrations every year had become one of our traditions I cherished. It helped to fill my eternally saddened and solitary heart.

I know—dramatic.

Ethan shrieked and drummed the counter.

Surprising myself, I chuckled.

Noah and Ethan, with their partners at their sides, were teasing one another as only good friends could do. Brody and Daniel were looking on at the exchange with gleeful grins.

So much love for their men.

A ding from the security system sounded as the front door opened. I'd been anxious to see the approaching couple all week. I hadn't seen them together yet. To see Liam in love was likely going to do strange things to my insides. Of the four of us, I never expected Liam to find the one . A man he could build a long and meaningful life with. I was especially surprised that the man he had fallen in love with was in a wheelchair. I assumed Liam was shallower than that.

Asshole thinking?

Guilty.

Liam and I had never been particularly amicable in all the years I'd known him. Watching him transform himself from an average-looking, chubby kid into something of beauty had stirred jealousy in me. Not that I would resort to something as extreme as cosmetic surgery, but I wasn't impressed with the way I had matured. My face was attractive enough, but it was topped by unruly auburn hair and sported a strip of freckles across my cheeks and bridge of my nose.

I couldn't compete with Liam and his new face and body. Thankfully, I never had to. We had been seeking very different things when it came to men. I wanted to find a husband while Liam had been prowling for his next fuck. I had assumed that's all he was capable of relationship-wise. I was having trouble believing this newfound love with Jamal was real.

Maybe I was biased.

I lifted my wineglass to my lips. Don't get me wrong. I loved Liam. I just didn't always see eye to eye with him. We'd never come to blows but we'd come close a few times.

Jamal reached for Liam's hand after they arrived in my kitchen. Liam clung to it as if there was nowhere else he'd rather be than touching Jamal. The height of the kitchen island was all off for Jamal. He was barely able to peer above it. It didn't appear to be bothering him.

Noah and Ethan crowded around and gave them hugs. Brody and Daniel shook their hands. Everyone was excited to see them. A twinge of acceptance and warmth almost propelled me to engage with them, but I was too occupied with trying to figure them out. I looked Jamal up and down. He was as beautiful as Liam in his own way. They made an attractive couple.

My stomach clenched.

"Since we're all here," Ethan said. "I have news."

I groaned and rolled my eyes. "I'm going to guess it has something to do with the uniformly sized Christmas presents you brought with you today for us."

Ethan clapped his hands together. "The coffee table books of me are done. "

Liam looked at Jamal. "Ethan has a photographer friend, Carlos. Ethan posed for him in sheer manties and corsets. The guy did an entire book solely of Ethan."

Jamal stared at Ethan with an incredulous expression.

"Have you seen any?" Jamal asked Liam.

Liam nodded. "They're extremely hot. And it sounds like we'll have one for our new home."

Noah slapped the counter, his eyebrows raised, overhearing what Liam had said. "What? Liam. You didn't tell me this. Are you and Jamal moving in together?"

Liam laughed. "It's new. We get the place on February 1 st . It's set up to accommodate Jamal and his wheelchair. Lower counters. Leg room under appliances. Stuff like that."

I exhaled a long and exasperated sigh. Of course, they were moving in together.

"How did Mamma react?" Noah asked, directing his question at Jamal.

"She was upset," Jamal replied. "But she understands why I want to do it." He looked up at Liam. His expression was one filled with love. "Why we want to do it."

"Kind of fast," I said and crossed my arms. I know. I was being a prick, trying to rain on their happiness, but I doubted Liam would give my criticism any merit.

"Don't be such an ass," Ethan said to me. "They're in love. Let them be happy." He pursed his lips. "I think you should be next to share, Owen. You have interesting news."

Oh, for fuck's sake, Ethan.

"Maybe I don't want to talk about it," I replied.

"Are you embarrassed?" Ethan challenged.

I grunted. Okay, he won. "Fine. Chad's husband, Skylar, and I have been texting."

There was a collective uproar of sound from everyone gathered. A lot of what the fuck kind of exclamations. Jamal simply looked confused .

"You've been doing what?" Noah practically shouted. "What happened to denying his husband any kind of pleasure? I seem to remember you were pretty clear on that."

I was, but then Skylar contacted me separately… and all bets were off.

Liam touched Jamal's shoulder, leaned close to his ear, and whispered something to him. Jamal gave me a strange look. The truth was it wasn't a big deal. "It's nothing salacious," I responded. "He just checks in with me on Friday nights."

"Checks in?" Liam asked.

"We talk about our week." I shrugged. "Mostly my week."

"How and when did this start?" Noah asked.

"He's texted me three times … that's it." I looked at the counter. "He's a good listener. He draws me out. Gets me talking about stuff that's bothering me."

"So … he what … texted you out of the blue?" Liam asked.

I exhaled. "Chad gave him my number."

"We told you they might not be fucking with you." Noah leaned on the counter. "So, you're considering it. Hooking up with Skylar."

I shook my head. "We're just talking. I'm not even sure he wants more." That was the truth. I had no idea what Skylar wanted from me. All I knew was I needed what he was giving me.

"He cornered you in the bathroom," Ethan said. "Rubbed up on you."

"It's no secret," I said. "I think Skylar is hot. That whole femme nerd thing he has going on is doing it for me, but he comes with a festering Chad-shaped growth."

"Sounds like he's trying to get to know you first," Daniel pointed out. "Maybe he hasn't decided if he wants to follow through on that aggressive move he made on you. "

"No, he made his intention clear with that move," Brody responded. "Reminds me of the night I waited for Noah outside the pub and solicited him for sex. I was serious about wanting him."

Noah grinned, gripped Brody's bicep, and leaned against his shoulder.

"I think he wants Owen," Ethan agreed. "But he's decided to take his time with him."

"You're sure this isn't Chad messing with you?" Liam asked.

I pulled my phone from my jeans, called up our thread, scrolled, and handed the phone to Liam. "Does this look like Chad is even in on the conversation?" The text contained words of support and something that felt like affection. Skylar had an innate ability in the way he always managed to give me what I needed. I'd never felt so listened to. Even Ethan didn't fill that need.

Liam scanned the screen, dragging his finger from bottom to top multiple times as he read. His brow furrowed and he handed the cell back to me. "The guy is sophisticated, I'll give him that. It's hard to tell what his end game is, he's so focused on understanding you. My bet is he does want to fuck you. And I do mean fuck you . There's no way that guy is a bottom."

"My thoughts too," Ethan said and looked at me. "Told you."

I sighed. I was done with this. "I want to change the topic."

The conversation turned to the prosecution of the man who had attacked Jamal at the Rainbow Youth Centre. Apparently, that had been when Liam and Jamal shared their first words of love. Liam had rushed to Jamal's side like some kind of dashing medieval knight .

The way Ethan told it, the whole scene had been extremely romantic. I furrowed my brow. Despite how much it irked me, I couldn't begrudge Liam the elation he had found.

"What's even better is that Avery is out of their house," Jamal said. "They moved into our new youth housing area. We have five kids living there now. They're all going to need counselling but at least they're in a positive environment with the full support of me and the volunteers."

I rejoined the conversation; Jamal's words snapping me out of my thoughts.

"I wanted to talk to you about the youth shelter," I said to Jamal. "I'd like to donate some money. Maybe buy some colourful bedding and whatever else you think would make life fun for them again. Those kids deserve to feel loved, accepted, and celebrated."

Jamal touched his hand to his chest. His features softened and tears pooled in his eyes. "Thank you so much, Owen. I have ideas. The kids will be thrilled."

"It's the least I can do. I'll text you." I decided to ease up on my scrutiny and smiled at him.

"Mm." Ethan leapt in place, grinning. "Liam's belated birthday present." He bounded out of the kitchen. The gift had been Ethan's idea. Apparently, he and Daniel liked to play with them. Jamal snorted as Ethan set a small, badly wrapped mass of dragon dildo on the counter.

Liam lifted it and wobbled it around. "Jeezus, guys." He reluctantly unwrapped it.

Ethan leaned on the counter, his elbows spread, his chin on his folded hands. "My question is who's going to be using it on whom. Liam looks like he's eyeing it up."

"None of your damned business, Ethan," Noah responded .

Liam raised his hand. "No, I owe you guys an apology. For years I've been hassling you about being needy bottoms." He retook Jamal's hand and squeezed it. "I've joined the club."

I'm sorry … what?

Ethan shrieked in stark contrast to the stunned silence that struck the rest of the group around the island. "See! We told you! Best thing ever!"

"I'm honestly stunned," I said. "You've been arguing with us since we started having sex."

Liam shrugged. "Decided to give it a try." He smiled at Jamal. "It's brought us closer."

Noah shook his head. "I can't believe you kept this from me. It's like part of the friend code that a guy tells his best friend when he starts taking it up the ass."

Jamal spluttered into a bout of coughing, choking on his spit. Liam rubbed and patted his back, grinning down at him. "Welcome to the Salish Sea Society where everyone has a habit of speaking their minds no matter how personal or obscene."

"Okay, dinner time," I said, shutting down the direction of the conversation, and everyone agreed. Noah, Ethan, and Liam joined me in preparing everything. Noah finished off the potato salad by adding mayonnaise while Ethan grabbed the cutlery and headed for the dining room to set the table. Liam unwrapped the fresh buns Ethan had baked, piled them in a bowl, and retrieved the butter. I was charged with barbequing the beef ribs.

We left the guy's partners to entertain themselves. Get to know one another better. They had been folded into our group. Holidays were never going to be the same again.

As usual, everything was delicious and the chatter was heartwarming, but a few times, my friends became engaged in private conversation with their significant others, leaving me sitting on my own with no one to speak to. Like now. I spun my wine glass around a few times.

My phone buzzed in my pocket. I was happy to retrieve it and have something to do. There was a text message from the one person who could alleviate my loneliness.

Skylar: How are you doing?

I rose to my feet, excused myself, and headed for my office, and closed the door behind me.

Me: It's as difficult as I thought it would be.

Skylar: Figured it might be. What's going through your mind?

Me: That I'm alone and always will be. That my life is going to be a solitary quest with so little joy I'll wither and become that crotchety old guy down the block who frightens children.

Skylar: That's very specific.

Me: I think about it a lot. I'm struggling.

Skylar: I think you would benefit from striving to be patient and not get wrapped up in your current loneliness because honestly, you aren't alone. You have an incredible friend group. Even if you never find that special someone, you will always have them. You'll never be truly alone.

Me: Doesn't make me feel any better.

Skylar: What about family? Are they in your life?

Me: They are. Too many of them. I was the eldest of four boys.

Skylar: Were you expected to look after them?

Me: So often. Both my parents worked. Sometimes I felt as if I was parenting them .

Skylar: Explains so much. You were forced to mature before it was healthy for you. You've carried that into your adulthood. You scrutinize everything. It's like you're on constant alert for danger or situations that aren't optimal. That might make it difficult for you to open up.

Me: Story of my life. You've nailed that one on the head.

Skylar: Are you seeing your family for Christmas?

Me: We all have dinner on Christmas Day at my parents' house.

Skylar: How does that go?

Me: The same as today. All my siblings are married and have children. I feel defective when I'm home with them. Like I'm not capable of engaging in a healthy relationship.

Skylar: Do you believe that? That you're not capable of engaging in a healthy relationship?

I sighed. I wasn't even sure. Aside from one failed long-term relationship, all my interactions with men had been fleeting. I had a horrible history when it came to guys.

Me: I don't even know.

Skylar: I think we need to explore that further. Another time. Am I right in assuming you still have guests over at your house and that you're ignoring them?

Me: I left them sitting around the table coupling off with their conversations.

Skylar: Go back to them and change the dynamic. Engage with them. Don't just sit there and let melancholy wash over you. This is an event in your home. You have the floor .

Skylar was right. My friends weren't intentionally leaving me out. They needed to be reminded I was there and pulled back into a group conversation. We could start with dish duty.

Me: Thank you. I'm going to go down and put everyone to work.

Skylar: I'm glad I could offer some counsel.

I had questions about that. For the past three weeks, Skylar had texted me on Friday. And now tonight, he'd known I'd be feeling unsettled, and he'd reached out to me.

Me: Why are you doing this? You've been so supportive.

Skylar: I could call it making up for tackling you in the bathroom at that Christmas party. I was drunk, but then you clung to me as if I were a life raft. I felt like you needed something more from me than sex. I talked to Chad about it, and that's why he agreed to give me your phone number.

I hated that he had brought Chad into the conversation. A warped part of my brain wanted to pretend that Skylar was single. That we were building something.

Me: I appreciate you listening to me.

Skylar: Then I'll keep doing it for as long as you need me.

My cheeks heated and I bit my bottom lip. I couldn't stop myself from wishing Skylar would show up at my house after everyone left. That he'd hold and soothe me. Help me feel worthy of affection. I could still feel his arms around me. They'd felt so commanding and safe.

Me: I should get back.

Skylar: Talk on Friday .

Me: Looking forward to it.

Skylar: Good night.

I hovered over the keys to leave a heart emoji on the screen but decided against it. That's not what this was. Skylar wasn't courting me. He had a husband he loved. He was just a nice guy.

Me: Night.

I headed back downstairs. The guys had already loaded the dishwasher and were gathered in the living room, laughing and talking. Ethan leapt to his feet when I took a seat.

"My present first!"

God.

I was not looking forward to this. I dutifully took the present and unwrapped it. As expected, it was a copy of the coffee table book featuring Ethan. I flipped through a few pages.

Homoerotic didn't cover what I was seeing. Carlos had captured Ethan's playful side and a sexual side of him I'd never seen before. He was absolutely smouldering.

I swallowed and blinked as I turned the page.

Jeezus.

Never in my life would I have imagined I'd ever see Ethan's hard erect cock. He was thicker and longer than I would have imagined … which I hadn't. The contrast between that overt show of masculinity and the silken lace corset, fishnet stockings, and black stilettos was stunning.

I admired my best friend. He lived his life free of restraints, following his heart and desires in everything he did. He'd been blessed to find Daniel, a man who indulged every one of Ethan's forays into the latest idea that sprang into his imagination. Even this kind of sexual exposure .

I would never be comfortable knowing so many eyes would see me naked. I could barely stand for the men I slept with to see me. I was always quick to cover up when we were done fucking around. I didn't like men to see my body. Correction. I only wanted the right man to see my body. My one and only. The man who would become my husband.

I closed the book, nodded at Ethan, and smiled.

For now, Ethan was my source of comfort and affection, and I loved him for it.