Chapter Seven

Later that evening, after dinner had concluded and the gathering disbursed from the drawing room, Lavinia didn't wish to retire to her room. Since it wasn't raining, she wandered outside to sit on the steps in front of the manor house.

Her mind was steeped in confusion. The kisses she'd shared with Elliott this week had left her both bemused and worried, for even though they were wonderful, it felt like a betrayal to her husband's memory. Though Adam had been gone for over a year, and she'd known for years his health had been worsening, there were days when it felt as if his death had just happened.

Yet being in Elliott's arms, having his lips against hers, had been both exhilarating and concerning, for she'd missed that with having Adam gone, and truth be told, she'd longed for that sort of thing from her marriage. Those last few years didn't have much physical affection, for Adam's health had steadily declined to a point that it took too much effort to do much more than sit in his favorite chair and read.

Because of that, being with Elliott was familiar and gave her a sense of rightness. Or was she just imagining such out of a need to be fulfilled physically? It was difficult to tell.

"Why did you have to leave?" she whispered into the darkness as the evening chill went through her, for she hadn't grabbed her cloak, only a light shawl. "Your absence has complicated everything."

Of course she knew why, and at least he wasn't suffering any longer.

"I miss you," she said in a barely audible voice as she stared into the star-strewn midnight heavens. "And now there is the problem of Elliott. What should I do?" Though she was curious to see what was between them, she hesitated to move forward out of respect for Adam.

As she stared into the night sky, a shiver went down her spine, as if he had stroked a hand down her back. It felt so real, like he was right there whispering comfort into her ear.

Elliott is a good man.

Perhaps he was, and the Regent obviously thought so enough to award him the title of earl. Still, it was as confusing as if she were hurtled back in time when he and Adam were competing with each other for her attention, but that didn't mean she knew what to do now any more than she did back then. "I shouldn't have come here. Being in his company has stirred up so many feelings I hadn't anticipated." Yet she'd never forgotten.

For long moments, she watched the heavens, but there were no answers forthcoming.

"I hope you have found peace, Adam, because I certainly haven't."

Would that change if she asked Elliott to pay his addresses to her? Is that what she wanted from her life? The grief stung far too much when she lost Adam, so what would happen to her if she lost Elliott as well?

She heaved out a sigh. "What should I do?"

A breeze floated across her cheek. Give him a chance.

"He isn't you," she countered in another low whisper.

Perhaps he didn't need to be, for she'd already had Adam. He'd been a good husband, a decent man, but all along she'd wanted Elliott, had always wondered what life would have been like with the earl even while married to Adam. That had been her private shame, the guilt she'd carried around for the past several years.

Tears welled in her eyes. Had Adam known? Remorse pressed in on her chest. The moisture spilled onto her cheeks. "That didn't mean I loved you less; I just loved you differently."

The breeze came again to caress her cheek. You had every right. I know you settled for me because Elliott wasn't ready. Another round of tears fell, but she took comfort in that being a sign from her deceased husband.

"You were always such a troublemaker," she said with affection. Then a sigh escaped. "I am not saying I wish to have him now, but if I want to explore such a thing?" The possibilities left her a bit breathless. "Would you give your blessing?"

Again, she looked toward the heavens as she scrubbed the tears from her cheeks. A bright star twinkled in the darkened skies, almost as if Adam had said, We spent our time together well enough while we had it, but since I can't be there for you in this time of your life, Elliott is the next best thing.

That set her conscience at ease, and she drew her first deep breath since Adam's death. Most certainly she still mourned his loss, probably always would, but without the weight of guilt on her chest, there was an assurance she could make the decisions that would affect her future without being dragged back to the past.

Several minutes went by while she was lost in thought, then he was there, and she was awash in Elliott's scent, his all-consuming presence, the heat of him, and he was as different from Adam as day was to night.

As it should be.

"What are you doing out here by yourself?" The deep rumble of his voice tickled through her chest. "I missed your company in the drawing room, had hoped to teach you to play faro."

"How scandalous." Lavinia allowed a small smile. "I needed to take in the air and think away from everyone else but didn't wish to be confined to my room." When she glanced again at the dark skies, the bright star that had twinkled for her before was suddenly dim.

Had it truly been Adam's presence she'd felt and communed with? Lavinia liked to think that it was.

"Oh?" Elliott sat beside her on the second step from the top. From this distance, the roof from the dower house could barely be seen. The golden glimmer of lights in some of the tenant cottages farther out than that gave warmth and life to the dark landscape like fireflies. "What have you been thinking about?"

The possibilities you represent. But aloud she said, "Life and death. Mostly those two things." It wasn't entirely a lie.

"I understand that all too well. Each year that creeps by shows me that mortality is fleeting and I should be doing more with the life I've been given." He sat close enough to her that when he shrugged, the sleeve of his tailcoat brushed her arm. "I have recently been thinking about making changes to that life."

"Well, you are hoping to marry. That is a rather large change." And it was something he'd not shown that deep of an interest in before.

"There is that, though the search for a bride has me vexed currently." Silence fell between them while they both watched the stars. "I suppose if fate has willed it, the lady I'm to be with will come along eventually."

"That is generally how such things work," she murmured. Her heartbeat accelerated. It was all too tempting, sitting in the dark alone with him, but their location didn't lend well to romance or even scandal. "If you do marry soon, would you wish to have children right away?" Should they become a couple, Lavinia wasn't certain she could give him offspring. Perhaps Adam's poisoning hadn't been the crux of the issue. The results of the doctor's examinations hadn't been conclusive.

"Ah, due to my extreme age?" Teasing wove through his voice. Elliott knocked his shoulder into hers, leaving charged tingles in his wake. "I suppose it would be a good thing to have the heir and the spare while I can still chase after them without creaky knees and aching joints."

"Stop." But she giggled. How could she not? "I think that is probably for the best. You want to still have strength and energy to keep up with them. However, would you continue working for the Home Office? If your family was growing, would you want to spend so much time away from them?"

And would she want to worry over yet another husband tied to that life?

"In fact, I was thinking over that the other day, and I'm truly leaning toward retiring from my position at Whitehall. Perhaps it's time I give the full of my attention to my titles and properties. That is the real legacy I would leave to my children."

Lavinia stared at him in open mouthed shock. "I must have spoken too soon when I said you hadn't changed."

"Life is ever-changing." He chuckled. "Ah, Livi. Why is life so confusing, even when we're older and wiser?"

"I suppose so we can learn and mature." Was it possible he had conflicting feelings about her he didn't wish to share?

"Perhaps." He half turned toward her, and in the process, his knee knocked against hers. Tingles went up her limb. "What of you? Will you marry again if the right man showed himself?"

"I've recently been mulling over that possibility, and I might, but certainly not to a man in the military or connected to spy life. I can't go through that worrying and wondering again." Was that why he had put forth the idea of retirement? Flutters scudded through her lower belly. Would he truly do that for her?

"Fair enough." Elliott nodded. "How about taking a peer for your husband? Or an ambassador? You could travel, see the world. I think that life would suit you."

How interesting. "That would be different. I haven't been much of anywhere."

"You deserve every good thing," he said in a barely audible voice, but when she glanced at him, he was once more contemplating the heavens. "Do you wish for children? You had talked briefly of losing a few pregnancies when we first met a few days ago. I didn't know if you would want to try again. It would take much bravery and strength."

A flutter moved through her heart. He'd remembered that out of the whole dressing down she'd given him? "I would perhaps try if the man in question was compelling enough."

"Ah." The corner of his mouth twitched. "Do you have aspirations for your life beyond that?" He cleared his throat. "I mean, should having children not be in fate's design?"

In his stilted, awkward way, he was adorable. "I think perhaps I'd start with a dog."

"A dog?" Surprise rolled through those two words as he regarded her with lifted eyebrows. "Why?"

Lavinia shrugged. "It was lonely the times Adam was gone, and I'd wished I'd had company." Truly, it was as simple as that. And it was enjoyable to catch him off guard.

"I can understand that." Elliott's grin bedeviled the butterflies in her belly. "What sort of a dog?"

"Not a big one but not a small one."

"That does not narrow it down." His bark of laughter prompted her to smile.

"Or perhaps I should enjoy keeping ducks."

"What?"

She nodded with more enthusiasm. "As I was walking yesterday morning, I met a lovely young girl who was herding the prettiest ducks. They're all so docile and funny with different personalities. I don't imagine there would be time for loneliness if I had ducks." It was a lovely dream, but she couldn't very well keep ducks in London with her mother.

"If you do manage to keep ducks, I should like to see that."

"One never knows what the future will hold." She shrugged. For one moment of insanity, she wanted to burrow into his arms, let him protect her from being buffeted by the world, but tamped the urge. Instead, she kept her gaze on the stars and the moon. "Years ago, I wished for a strand of pearls. I've never owned anything as lovely as those before, and when I was a little girl, I thought pearls were drops of lost moonlight. I used to pretend I would gather those drops from plants and flowers at night then string them together the following morning."

"What a lovely story, and something I never knew about you." Surprise reflected in his expression when she turned her head to look at him.

"Just the silly ramblings of a young girl who didn't know any better."

"Nothing is ever silly. All of those dreams are merely pathways that lead us to people we were always destined to become."

Another swath of silence brewed between them, but there was no tension or uncomfortable feelings there. Instead, they merely watched the stars, lost to their own thoughts.

Eventually, Elliott stirred. He sighed. "I apologize for not calling on you, Livi. I would have liked making amends with Adam, but my damned pride prevented it." He glanced at her, found her gaze with his in the darkness. "It also meant I lost you from my life over the years, and that is perhaps my biggest regret."

Oh, dear lord. It was more than she'd hoped for, and the apology was even sweeter and more meaningful than she could have hoped. Tears unexpectedly welled in her eyes, but she rapidly blinked them away. Could she open her heart fully to him, let fate play out as it might have all those years ago? Perhaps she was ready for that to happen, especially after her talk with Adam tonight. Still, it was daunting, and her belly tightened. "As I have said before, you aren't quite ancient yet. Who knows what the week will continue to offer?" Would he understand what she didn't say?

"Meaning?"

No, he did not.

Another giggle escaped her. "Practice patience, Elliott. We are all trying our best." Then, because she'd apparently lost the last vestiges of her sanity, Lavinia turned fully to him, slipped a hand up his chest to wrap about his nape, and drew his head to hers. "Forward progress is slower when one needs to continually work through grief and second guessing." When she kissed him, he froze as if he didn't know how to act if it wasn't him making the advance. It was all too adorable, but she continued on, moving her lips over his, seeking, asking, perhaps granting him permission to what he would when she couldn't find the words or the daring to speak it aloud.

"I…" Then the kiss continued in a gentle style that was not demanding. He returned the overture, even went so far as to slip an arm about her hips and cupped a breast with his other hand.

"Mmm." Warm sensations of excitement pushed languidly through her blood. Oh, she'd missed that rush, those feelings he'd always managed to bring out in her that would soon build into heated desire if they weren't careful. Suddenly, she wished they were alone with the freedom to explore at will, for she was all too ready to grant him the intimate access he'd wanted all those years ago.

"I heartily concur with that sentiment," he whispered against her lips, and even still they continued to share kisses as if they had all the time in the world. The second he slipped a finger inside her bodice to tease the hardening nipple, Lavinia nearly lost her ability to think. Wild sensation bolted through her veins to collide with memories of their past, thoughts of her dead husband, as well as her hopes and fretting over the future.

It was a heady mix—an impossible muddle—but it was hers and it was much better than sitting at home in London with only her mother for company.

Eventually, she broke the kiss but remained in his loose embrace, and her breathing was as shallow as his. "I should return inside."

He didn't move. Neither did she. "I'll remain out here." The warmth of his breath eased over her cheek. "Ah, at least until certain… things settle."

"Oh?" Daring much, Lavinia drew her hand down his torso, past his abdomen to briefly brush her fingers along the outline of his rigid length that strained against the front of his breeches. Oh, but she'd always wondered what it would feel like to be claimed by him. "I'm happy to know I can still arouse a man."

"Ah, sweeting, never doubt your effect. At least not on me." Elliott snatched up her hand and kissed her fingers before she could explore further, but his use of the endearment sent tremors into her heart. "Promise me you won't seek out ducks just yet, hmm?" Once more, his gaze was intense in the star shine.

"I…" This was all too real, too close to her heart and memories of Adam. Again, the ground beneath her feet shifted. "I promise I shall wait on fate until your harvest ball." Quickly, she stood, backed away before she did something truly scandalous like drag him into the back gardens and have her wicked way with him. "Goodnight, Elliott."

"Goodnight, Livi. I trust you'll have a restorative sleep."

How could she when her body was far too restless and all she could think about was him sharing her bed?

Please God let me not have made a foolish mistake.