18. Rita

18

RITA

I picked up the mug of steaming hot coffee, and used too much force. Coffee sloshed over the sides and splashed against my fingers.

"Shit!" I yelped and dropped the mug in the sink. It shattered as coffee splattered all over the counter. Snatching the towel hanging off the stove, I wrapped it around my hand as I curled over. "That hurt!"

No one was here to care about my cries of pain, but it felt so much better to get them out.

Turning on the cool water, I dropped the towel and held my fingers under the faucet. The pulsing from the burn wasn't so strong now. But when I turned the water off, my skin was still bright red.

Orgasms were supposed to make everything better. That was the shit I told myself over the last week. I'd had more orgasms in that time than I'd had in the entire last year. At least not self induced.

Instead of helping last night, I calmly walked out on both Matías and Esteban, then drove my happy ass home. Happy was sarcasm. I couldn't even fool myself .

My phone buzzed.

A night of terrible tossing and turning and a morning of everything going wrong should have worn my brain out. It didn't. Thoughts of what was going to happen with the Dirty Dogs and the lives we'd lost much too soon played on repeat.

Another buzz vibrated across the counter.

Sighing, I turned it around to see the screen. Ricco.

He was one of my favorites, but the shit he was pulling lately, I didn't want to speak to him.

I answered anyway. "What?" I snapped.

"Rita, carino . I'm just calling to check in on you." His voice was so familiar, it provided a weird comfort even though I was pissed with him.

"Really? Because all you've been doing is undermine me and try to bring Matías into the fold. Did you forget he ran away twice ? And one of those times he fucked me over?"

"A breakup is not fucking you over," he said, exasperated. "My concern is the club. I want the Dirty Dogs to thrive now that the Institution is no longer there to hold us down. The brothers seem like they're willing to honor their truce with us, but Matías is still the leader we should have."

"The leader you want us to have or that you think Javier wanted us to have?" I pinched my phone between my ear and shoulder and used my left hand, the unburned one, to wipe up the counter.

There was a pause. "Do you think you're the best leader for the club?"

My hackles immediately raised and I froze. "Why are you asking me that? It's clear that you already have your own opinions."

Instead of answering my questions, he hit me with another one. This one the worst by far. "Tell me three reasons why you want to lead? I'm not sure you can name one good one."

"A good one?" Instead of letting my ego take a hit like last night, I straightened up, embracing the anger building inside me.

"We know you miss your father. But you can't hold onto him just by taking his place."

Oh...I was going to fuck his shit up the next time I saw him. Placing my phone on the counter, I hit the speaker button. My hands shook and I gripped the countertop just to steady myself.

"How about because we have shit options. And if you say Matías' name, I will hang up on you. Then there's the fact that I'm more level-headed than any of said shit options. And lastly? Because it's my fucking legacy and I, more than any of you, know the toll the club had on Papá ."

It was true. He hid his frustration and exhaustion from them. I'd seen it in his house. He'd talked to me about it. Not them. I sat through the majority of meetings and he never showed them a goddamn hint that he was tired from leading the club.

But it was his life's work.

I'd be damned if I let them run it into the ground because their egos were bigger than their cocks.

"What time is the meeting? I haven't been notified at all." We should be meeting in a few hours to go over anything and everything Due found. I'd be there, just in case they tried to wedge me out.

"We haven't decided," Ricco said, but the tone was off.

"You mean you were hoping I'd miss it. I'll be there." Then I hit the red end button. Even if he tried to keep me away, Esteban would make sure I was there.

Esteban. I closed my eyes .

He was proving to be everything I needed and then some. I still felt guilt, especially after using him to hurt Matías. Esteban seemed like he hadn't minded.

And Matías hadn't seemed hurt at all. Well, he was feeling some level of hurt, but he was turned on more. I'd never seen his cock as big as last night when it tented his jeans.

I got a text message.

Esteban: I have to check on the shop. I'll swing by to get you for the meeting.

So there was a time already set. Assholes.

Me: Don't worry about it. I'm going to the compound early.

Tires squealed outside and I ran to the corner drawer. I pulled out a gun and crouched as I moved toward the front door. Gunshots went off next.

Shit. I should have taken Esteban up on his offer last night to come home with me, but I'd needed some time away from both of them.

My house was brick, so I was relatively safe hunkered down close to the floor. When I didn't hear any more noises, I raised up and peeked through the corner of my front window.

Matías stood at the end of the sidewalk, glaring down the street with his gun held in both hands.

What the fuck?

I opened the door, not ready to put the gun down, and poked my head out. "What are you doing?" I hissed.

This was Dirty Dogs territory, but we still had to be careful not to raise too many questions.

Matías didn't look at me right away. He watched the empty street like he believed a threat would pop out at any minute .

Eventually, as my heart left my throat, he turned to me but stared down at the ground. "Fuck," he muttered.

On the ground were two spilled coffees from my favorite cafe and a box of breakfast food splattered across the concrete. The savory smell of rice, beans, and eggs registered.

My stomach growled the same time that my eyelids fluttered shut. He'd tried to bring me my favorite breakfast. Even after I'd fucked Esteban's face right in front of him.

I opened my eyes. No. I would not feel guilty about any of that. His actions had consequences. I just couldn't figure out why he didn't seem to care what those consequences were.

Clearing my throat, I lift my gaze to his eyes. After last night, I could miraculously look him in the eye again. "What happened?"

"I believe the new club was going to try and either shoot up your house or car. Until they saw me." His grin was full of sharp teeth.

"So you shot at them?"

"They were in the process of lowering their windows. If I didn't shoot first, it would have given them an opportunity to not only hurt you, but to kill me." He raised one shoulder. "This way, they were on the defensive and sped away."

Matías sneered down at his wasted efforts. "Motherfuckers." Then sighing, he shook his head. "Let's grab breakfast."

I blinked. "Grab breakfast? After those assholes tried to hurt me."

"You're hungry. When you need food, you always get this crazy look in your eyes." He waved his hand toward my face.

I tried not to grin. There was nothing to grin about, but his statement still set off butterflies in my stomach.

"I'm mad at you, Matías. You should hate me. "

He canted his head. "Funny. I don't. And you should be mad at me. I fucked up." Swiping a hand through his hair, Matías turned his head for a brief second before swinging hurt eyes back to me. “I did, okay. I fucked up. I could have done a million things differently, but I can’t change it. I believed I was doing the right thing. The best I could do for you and for my family. I can’t change it,” he repeated on a broken whisper.

I was still stuck in a bubble of grief and stress and his words made sense, but at the same time, it was like I was in an alternate reality.

The best for me? I started shaking my head, but it was pointless. He really thought that. But it didn’t change anything, did it? He broke my heart with the best of intentions, but he still broke my heart. Who was to say he wouldn’t do it again?

Like he was shaking off the unwanted emotions, he shook his head and sighed as he walked up to the door. "You're dressed. Grab your shoes and we can go. You want to drive?"

I jerked back in whiplash.

"What is wrong with you?" We never went out to eat before. We met at the compound, our clubs, or under the cover of dark. At the time, I'd thought it was sexy and mysterious. Dangerous and thrilling.

Now, a little older, and fuck of a lot more jaded, I saw it for what it was. I had been a dirty little secret.

Licking his bottom lip, he held my gaze. "I did everything wrong the first time. You were right about some of the things you said last night, but not all of them. This is me correcting my mistakes."

"By feeding me? "

A ghost of a smile slid over his face. "Sure, if that's what you want to take from this."

I started shaking my head and tried to close the door. He stopped it with a hand. I glanced up at him, and his face had sobered to the point of being depressingly sad. "If you don't want to go with me, that's fine. I won't force you. Despite what you think, I would never force a woman to do anything."

A twinge flared in my chest as I remembered one comment I'd made out of spite. I hadn't meant it.

"However, I will not leave. If this new club has their sights set on you, you need to be guarded. I thought Esteban would have stayed with you last night. Yet, when I drove by early this morning his car wasn't here. But yours was." Matías glanced toward my baby in the drive. "Why didn't you put her in the garage?"

I wasn't sure. Which was really fucking telling for where my headspace had been last night.

"Esteban wanted to come but I needed time to myself." I needed to take up for him. I had pushed him away last night so him not being here was my doing.

"Then he should have sat on your porch or had some of the other Dirty Dogs protecting you." Judgment clung to his shoulders as he surveyed the street. He didn't trust the men wouldn't drive by again.

I almost caved.

"I don't want breakfast. And I'm not going to invite you in. Thank you, but I'm leaving in a few minutes to go to the compound." I closed the door quietly and he didn't protest.

My heart fluttered in my chest. This was fucking hard. Why now? What was so different about now over last month? Hell, six months ago ?

Peeking out the window, I held my breath. He wouldn't hear me, but he'd be able to see me checking on him.

Like he'd said Esteban needed to do, he sat down on the top step like he did this every day.

Going back into the kitchen, I grabbed a banana and scarfed it down. It was tough. It wasn't anywhere near as delicious as the food at my favorite cafe, but I'd be damned if I rolled over and allowed Matías back into my life with a few pretty words.

They felt good. They might even have started to mend the broken pieces inside me. But I couldn't forget. Actions spoke louder than words, and all this man had ever done was meet me in the dark.

Ten minutes later, I stepped outside. After checking to make sure no gangs were lurking in the bushes.

Matías hopped up and dusted off his jeans. I took a second to study him while he wasn't looking at me.

He wore jeans and a T-shirt today. An outfit so very different from anything he would have worn before. When we were together, he mostly wore suits or some variations of business casual. I used to get a kick out of it, but now, it was just one more sign I should have paid attention to that we didn't fit.

"See something you like?" he asked mildly.

I stiffened. "Nope." Breezing past, I slid my sunglasses on my face. "I'm just shocked to see you out of a suit."

"I found that suits weren't really my thing. I'm in my new era of figuring out who the hell I am. More importantly, who I wanted to be." He'd said all that so innocently, like he was on some quest in a fantasy book .

He'd never been good with words. He'd been better with threats and deranged smiles when he felt threatened. And this new side of him was getting to me. I couldn't trust it.

The quick reminder helped me focus back on the more important issues for the day. Making sure Ricco and Joel knew exactly where I stood and that I wasn't going anywhere.

I climbed in my car and revved the engine. I'd driven this sweet girl for five years. It was hell on wheels and sentimental. Esteban had actually been the one to oversee it.

It was everything a Lamborghini Veneno should be, but he'd souped it up in all the best ways. Matías got in his car parked on the street and when I pulled out, he followed.

Glancing in the rearview mirror, I floored the pedal and left him in the dust.

Cranking the music, I smiled during the short drive to the compound. It was only when Matías pulled in behind me and got out that my short stint of happiness burst.

"What are you doing?" I faced off with him.

"Attending the meeting." His own sunglasses were black tinted lenses so I could only see my own reflection in them.

"Why? You're not a Dirty Dog."

Another sly smile that was there, then gone. "You see, that's the thing. I'm figuring myself out and there's only one thing I want, outside of you."

His brothers. But that wouldn’t be what he was thinking to lay it out like this between us. If he did, he knew I’d claw the shit out of him. That left something he thought was romantic. Or something I had once wanted.

I didn't know whether to melt into a puddle of goo or burst into flames at how he kept pushing me into a corner. He thought he was cunning .

"What's that?" I asked as a form of torture I apparently loved to inflict on myself.

The smile lines deepened on one side as he gave me a crooked grin. "To be a Dirty Dog. I'm here to put in my official application."

"You've got to be fucking shitting me!" Esteban stormed around the side of the compound, grease marking his hands and shirt.

I should have stepped between them, but I was shocked. I knew what he would say, yet I was still shook to my core.

He wanted to be a Dirty Dog? Fuck.